Episode V: The Final Frontier!
DISCLAIMER:
The characters depicted in this story ae the property of Titan Sports and Vinnie Mac, not me. I'll put em back when I'm done playing around with em. This story contains coarse language and sexual references, but if you've read all the other ones all you under age people why stop there?? This IS the final chapter in the Chyna vs Taker series after all, so INDULGE dammit! Read it! WOOOOOOOO!
In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero…
She was Chyna, a somewhat glamorous she-male forged in the heat of low blows. The power, the passion, the danger…her courage will hopefully kill her family!
Where to begin? Oh yessss, many things have been going down since the first little five pager I wrote to keep myself entertained. HBK has returned, rather non-dramatically in my opinion, seeming he aint a god no more, just a pathetic mortal whom could get whipped by X-Pac! (That is, if X-Pac’s in the mood.) Hunter is kinda hopeless, seeming he didn’t really achieve what he set out to achieve during the previous outing, and that’s killing ‘daddy dear’ HBK. Poor bastard, poor pitiful bastard, first attacked by X-Pac, then totally destroyed by Chyna. Ho hum.
Oh yeah, Chyna finds out how much of a whore mom was. Family has never been sweeter.
***
Chyna clutched at her throbbing temples as she laid back onto the hard floor of Road Dogg’s overturned and rather smashed palace. Although the lack of scenery was the least of her growing list of problems, that was for sure. Her troubles were verging on the edge of irreparable, and somehow she thought that if she hadn’t had interfered at all with the Corporate Ministry she’d be in a better position. Mr. Ass was sitting on a cushion in a drier section of the chamber, flexing his biceps and then admiring them. Chyna stared over her shoulder when she heard a small sigh from behind, to see him completely focused on his muscles, stretching and tensing and groaning softly. Chyna turned back around and continued to try and focus on a solution, but Billy kept on going.
"Oh, look at that muscle baby!" He sighed. "Look at that ass! Aint I just the stud??"
Chyna muttered a curse, spun around to face Badd Ass, and grabbing him by the hair, delivered an assertive headbutt. He groaned and clutched at his forehead as Chyna dropped him on the floor, spat a warning at him and went back into a state of deep thought, leaving Billy to clamber to his feet. X-Pac moved slightly towards Kane, trying to get as far away from Chyna as he could.
"Where’s Road Dogg?!" the Warrior Princess muttered, slamming a fist on the table. "I thought you said he was right behind us!"
"Well, I thought he was!" Said X-Pac defensively. "You know, it was high drama out there! I imagined that Road Dogg wouldn’t have been so stupid as to hang around a warzone!"
"It was Hunter, not a warzone." Sighed Chyna. "I don’t really need him, but Taker would probably find someway to use him against me if he gets a hold of him, and then I’ll be forced to…get rid of him."
"You wouldn’t…" Said X-Pac hopefully.
"She would." HBK and Steve sighed together. Chyna shrugged.
"So, I suggest that you find dear Road Doggy Dogg, before some harm befalls him." Sighed Chyna, standing up and rubbing her temples. She muttered incoherently for a second, then turned to Kane standing in the corner, looking bored.
"Ok then brother dear…" She said carefully. "You know where you’re father…hangs out?"
Kane nodded thoughtfully.
"Where?" She asked him hopefully. Kane cocked his head to one side mindfully, then eyed her suspiciously.
"…Why?" He managed to get out.
Chyna took a deep breath, as five sets of eyes focused on her.
"I’m gonna force some information outta him…I’m gonna seduce him."
They all looked downwards and shuddered at the thought.
"I DO NOT need that image running through my mind!" HBK groaned, looking at Chyna in utter disgust. "I mean…he’s almost your uncle! And even if he wasn’t, I mean…yuck! I seriously mean…YUCKKK! He looks bad enough with clothes ON. Imagine him…well, well, in the altogether…naked. Yuck! Holy orbs of Sable, you’re a sick woman!"
"Are you done?" Muttered Chyna.
"Um…yeah." Said Shawn, shuddering one final time. Chyna smiled grimly, showing a set of perfect white teeth.
"Now Kane…gimme the address."
***
Hunter smiled wickedly as he eyed the Road Dogg wandering around the darkening forest path, trying to find his way through the barrier of large and ungainly trees. Road Dogg peered warily behind him, searching for any signs of trouble. With tentative glances, he moved slowly forward, then, feeling more confident started a medium paced jog. He was cruising along just fine, until his foot slammed into an upturned root, and he came crashing down to earth. He groaned and tried to stagger up, as Hunter seized the opportunity, leaped into the path of the D-Generate, grabbed his plaited locks…and met a well placed knee to the Dogg’s face…
***
Chyna crept around the wall of the palace, carefully feeling her way along until she spotted what she was searching for, a window, high into the rampart of the building. She looked up towards it, squatted low, and then sprung with the power of her muscular hindquarters, sailing up towards the window, grabbing onto the ledge, and then rolling into the room. It was the kitchens. She glanced around a long, oak bench to see Mideon, a pot in his hand, gaping at her. She swore silently and charged as he turned and began to dash towards help. He never made it.
Chyna flipped across the table, and landed neatly in front of him, fists at the ready. He raised the pot, yelled a war cry and swung it frenziedly at her skull. She ducked the blow and replied with a crescent kick which sent him hurtling backwards onto the table, sending dishes flying in all directions. He growled at her, snatched the closest knife to his grasp and sprung off the table with a yell. He hurled himself at the Warrior Princess, slashed the knife at her stomach. Chyna muttered a curse, grabbed his arm and spun him, leaving the weapon in her own hand. She then leapt across the table, planted her feet firmly onto the ground, went down to one knee and moved the knife towards his stomach. He yelped; Chyna threw the knife in one direction and kicked him in the other, sending him slamming into a small bench. It collapsed, sending him with it. Legs, long, muscular and leather covered stood over him; he gazed up warily at the warrior, standing over him, her hands on her hips. She bent over, her eyes not leaving him for an instant, and scooped up the knife.
"Lose something?" She asked, a chilling smile on her lips, as she sighed, and slammed the handle of the weapon into his head. He fell, wordlessly.
Chyna breathed in the silence of the kitchen, sensing that she still wasn’t alone. She heard it…quiet breathing coming from somewhere near the ovens. She strode over towards the noise, and grabbed the unwanted visitor by the hair. She was shocked.
"Christian?" She said, surprised, as she dropped him. He scrambled to his feet. "It’s been a while."
Christian nodded as he stared down at the unconscious Mideon. "You…you’re still pretty much are the same bundle of fun I met a month ago."
"I do what I do." She sighed, raising an eyebrow. "I won’t kill him, it isn’t worth the effort."
"Ah…yes. Princess…"
"Call me Chyna."
"Oh-heh heh…sure Chyna."
"Stop giggling."
"Ah-heh heh, sure Chyna. You…you want me to tell Bearer that you’re here?"
She turned her head…he had taken a step towards her, and he immediately stepped back, and skittered towards the ovens, where a strong, spicy aroma was emulating from.
"No. Finish cooking…whatever the hell that is." She stepped over Mideon and took a seat on a long bench at the oak table. "And give me some of that bread….I’m starving."
Christian looked a little nervous, but scooped up the loaf and handed it to her. She smiled, baring perfect white teeth, and bit into it without another word.
***
Christian hurriedly led Chyna down the long, torch lit corridor towards the dining hall. She could tell he didn’t like the position that she’d put him in; he’d been nervous and jumpy ever since he’d laid first eyes on her in the kitchens. He muttered to himself quietly, before turning at her and clearing his throat.
"You’re mad." He muttered as they walked slowly towards the large oak door at the end of the colonnade. "You’re asking to get you’re throat cut. Bearer has been in a foul mood lately."
"And how did you come to be serving him?" Chyna asked, inquisitively. Christian shrugged.
"Work’s work." He sighed. "It’s been rough for me and Edge ever since…the, you know…Taker incident."
"Mmm." Chyna mused, looking a little guilty.
"Paul Bearer keeps me well employed though, he eats like a Scylla." He looked thoughtful for a moment, and stared at the large trays of food in his grasp, then continued. "Edge is in Athens. I have no idea if he’s found work yet though, he hasn’t sent word."
"And what about that ugly pig man?" Asked Chyna. "What was his name…Gangrene?"
"Gangrel." Muttered Christian bitterly. "He went off with Queen Terri. She’s got terrible taste."
"I’d say." Sighed Chyna. As the reached the door. Christian placed the trays of food onto the floor, then opened the large wooded doors. Chyna winced at the sight of Bearer. He sat, wrapped in a crimson toga, on a large silken pillow. Torches lit the spacious room, bathing the room in a pale orange glow. Bearer was the only occupant of the chamber, which relieved Chyna a little. Still, just looking at him made her feel nauseous. He was hideous.
"Um…food my lord…" Said Christian, tensely approaching the living, breathing tub ‘o’ lard and placing the pair of loaded trays at his slippered feet. Paul Bearer craned his fleshy neck over Christian, and raised a greasy eyebrow at the Warrior Princess standing in the far corner of his chambers.
"And what is she, you pathetic little bloodsucker?"
Christian spun around, to see Chyna gesturing him to turn tail and leave. He turned back to the rotund Bearer and smiled nervously, scratched his head and tried to think of an answer.
"She’s…she’s…she’s here to…"
"To have a PRIVATE little talk." Chyna finished flatly, striding forward and shoving Christian back towards the door; where he reached the exit and kept on going, quietly shutting the door behind him. Chyna regarded the action with a raised eyebrow, before turning her attentions back to the blob on the cushion.
"Well, well, well…" Said Paul, delicately picking a small strip of meat from the dish and indelicately shoving it into his mouth. "What do I owe the honor of this visit, princess?"
Chyna smiled unpleasantly, turned and laid herself across a couch opposite the big boy, and grabbed a bowl of exotic fruits.
"Just to see you." She sighed, picking up a cherry and sucking at, before sinking her teeth into the fruit and biting at it, almost seductively. She rolled it in her mouth…then spat the pit about a foot from her, landing it perfectly into a tank of exotic fish. Paul gulped.
"Nobody…put you up to it?" Paul Bearer asked suspiciously. Chyna tried to look hurt.
"Oh, how could you think that?" Chyna muttered, before smiling and pulling out a large banana from the bowl. She slowly peeled a section of the skin from the long and edible pulpy mass.
"I came of my own accord…" Another piece of skin flopped over the creamy fruit inside.
"Oh…good."
"I hope you realize I’ve always found you…attractive." She rolled her mouth over the long end of the fruit.
"Sexy?"
"SEXY…"
"Really?"
"Come here you…" Chyna purred aggressively, and forced herself to remain seated as Bearer lumbered towards her and took a seat next to her on the couch. It creaked dangerously under the additional weight.
He lent over and planted a juicy kiss on her cheek. Any other person would have removed themselves from her face after the deed, but not this one. He remained latched on and began to snail crawl his lips over her face towards her mouth. Chyna looked over in disgust as he begun to overstay his welcome and tried to crawl on top of her.
Hell, what am I doing?? Chyna thought in horror. No information is worth this.
"Well…uh, Paul…now we’re friends…" Chyna tried to move further across the couch. "How about we discuss the Undertaker’s plans with the Sword of HBK, huh?"
"I’m afraid we’ll have to consummate our new relationship before I divulge that particular information."
"Oh…" Said Chyna, quickly making up her mind about the actions she was going to take in this situation. "In that case…"
***
Hunter stood before the Undertaker, a still sobbing Tori and chicken boy Shane, beaming as he held Road Dogg by the hair in glee.
"Look Taker! Look!" He cried happily. "I captured one! Let’s pick his brain for information about the warrior bitch Chyna!!"
"I really wonder if anyone even pays attention to me anymore." The Undertaker muttered, cradling his face in his palm. "I said KILL HBK, not bring me this ugly little D-Generate! Is Shawn dead?"
"Well…" Said HHH, looking very pitiful. "Chyna attacked me! I think I should kill Chyna first, then get HBK! Chop off the head and the body withers, remember?"
"Yeah, whatever." Muttered Taker. "But make it quick, you’re running out of chances. Shawn must be dead so the ceremony can take place! Tori and I shall be wed, and I shall use the sword to smite the other gods! I shall hold the world in the palm of my hand, and no one, especially CHYNA, shall stop me! MUH HA HA HA HA! MUHHH HA HA HA HA HA!"
"Yeah…ha ha ha ha…" Hunter attempted to giggle maniacally like his dark lord. Undertaker stopped dead and glared at Helmsley.
"SHUT UP."
"Sorry…"
"MUHH HA HA HA HA HAAAA!!!"
***
Bearer sobbed and pulled feebly at his restraints, as he rolled around the floor like a pig ready for slaughter. Chyna stood over his fat body, picking dirt from underneath her nails in great interest, while Christian stood and gaped in horror.
"What…what in the gods names are you doing, Princess?!" He demanded, placing his hands on his hips. "You’ve practically just put me out of employment! He’ll KILL me when he gets loose!"
"That’s IF he gets loose." Chyna muttered, leaning over just inches from the fat mans sweaty face. "I could just leave him for the RATS to knaw on. He could feed em for weeks…"
Paul’s eyes widened in alarm, as he tried to screech something through his gag. Chyna rolled her eyes and sighed; she much preferred the old fashioned method of persuasion…seduction could have worked, but she wasn’t gonna be the first to try it. Even leading him on with banana play had made her feel a little dirty. She shrugged, placed her hand on the whip she had used to silence him and ripped it off.
"Ok fatass." She growled, kicking him into the wall and forcing him into an upright position. "I want to have a small chit chat with you. Don’t worry, no one put me up to it, it was my idea to kick the crap out of you. Although Kane was quite helpful, I’ll have to mention that to him when I get back to the D-Generate Kingdom…"
"You foul harpy, turning my own flesh and blood against me!"
"Shut the fuck up."
Her hand was around his flabby throat now, as she pulled herself inches from his wheezing form. He tried to spit on her; she tightened her grip.
"Where were we?" She mused, smiling a brutal smile. "Oh yeah, I was gonna kick your ass all over this room if you didn’t help my cause…which, by the way is stopping Dead Man. Let’s start with an easy one…where is he?"
Bearer glared viciously, his face scrunching up as tight as a cabbage.
"Go to Tartarus bitch!"
"Tell me you fat bastard!" Chyna screeched, gripping his throat in a Kane like grip and slamming his head into the wall. Again and again Paul’s round head banged into the wall, the back of his skull bashing into the mud bricks.
"Do you like it, huh, HUH?!" Chyna snarled, giving his cranium one final, nasty belt into the barrier. He groaned and swayed dangerously, but Chyna grabbed the muslin toga and prevented him collapsing.
"Christian, prepare the vat of marmalade!" She muttered, spinning on Christian.
"NO NO!" Bearer screamed, breaking down. "NOT THAT! I’ll tell you…I"LL TELL YOU DAMMIT!"
"It seems most logical…" Sighed Chyna.
"Taker is on Mt. Sexy Boy, with Tori and Shane! He’s gonna marry Tori in a ceremony of Darkness, and drink the blood of HBK to welcome him into the world. He’s then going to proceed to disembowel you, and anyone else who gets in his way. Hunter has been sent to kill Shawn or at least get some blood for the ceremony. DON’T KILL ME!!! WAAAAAA!"
"Thank you." Said Chyna serenely, before pulling her sword from the scabbard.
"You said you weren’t gonna kill me!" Paul sobbed hysterically.
"Oh, I’m not gonna kill you." Chyna sighed, raising the weapon and clubbing him on the head with the flat side of the sharp blade. "Silly."
Chyna then rose, pushed the sword back into the sheath and turned towards the door.
"Get moving." She spat at Christian, who meekly followed the charging warrior. The fight for the universe was on!
***
Chyna groaned as she stared at the sheer height of the mountain. Why me? She thought gravely, as she placed her hand on the first rock, and heaved herself up about a foot from the ground, then struggled vainly to stay on the rocky perch while she tried to push herself up higher. Her grip tightened as she hauled herself up another metre, then, clutching inhumanly at a native grass, she attempted to heave herself up further. Unfortunately, plant life isn’t designed for that sort of treatment, so it snapped and she fell flat on her ass.
"Never mind." Sighed Steve, shrugging.
"Yeah, it coulda been worse…" Chimed in X-Pac. "You actually gotten some height and hurt your ass when you fell. Good thing you can’t climb, huh?"
Chyna spun on X-Pac and glared momentarily, before grabbing by the hair and dragging him towards the base of the mountain.
"Get your ass up there stick boy…" Chyna growled. "NOW."
"But why me?" X-Pac asked, hopping up onto the ledge effortlessly.
"Because you’re the smallest and most agile." Chyna sighed. "You’ll make it to the top before I will…before any of us will. You may be my last hope, and you have no idea how much it pains me to say that, X-Pac."
"Well…what about the others? I mean, just you and me Vs the forces of evil?"
"It’s just the mountain that appears to be the difficult part…Badd Ass, start climbing."
Badd Ass nodded, flexed and sprung at the rocks.
"I mean, some can climb mountains and some can’t…Christian, let’s see how you go."
Christian nervously approached the looming peak, and started struggling up the rocks.
"Of course Steve, I’m not allowing you within a hundred feet of this delicate operation." Chyna sighed, taking a run up, and springing onto a high jut in the mountain’s side. "You’re a piss pot. And Kane, can a seven footer climb a mountain? I seriously doubt it, and seeming Steve there is completely ineffectual, you stay down her with HBK and destroy anyone who comes even remotely close to him. You seem to be quite good at that."
And with that Chyna left a very miserable Shawn Michaels at the base and began the slow clamber to the top…
***
The wind whipped fiercely around X-Pac as he reached the top of the peak in record time. He looked around cautiously, then found himself staring at a huge stone parthenon standing on the flat top of the alp. He didn’t like the look of it, that was for sure, so he walked carefully to the edge and stared downwards.
"Uh…Chyna?" He called, eyes searching for a sign of her, as his voice echoed back to him. "Billyyyy? Christiannnnn? ANYBODYYYYYY?! HELLLPPP ME, I’M ALONE AND FRIGHTENED!!!"
The height was absolutely dizzying, so he stepped back a few paces and stared back at the huge building.
"Maybe this is MY destiny!" He said to himself suddenly. "Maybe I’M destined to take care of the Undertaker, right here, right now! With no one helping me, not Road Dogg, not Kane, not Chyna…just me!" He considered this possibility, then turned towards the lair of evil.
X-Pac surged with confidence as he strode towards the structure, his thin wrists vibrating with excitement.
"Yeah!" He said, getting pumped. "YEAH! HEY TAKER, YOUR ASS IS GRASS, AND I’M GONNA SMOKE IT!!!"
"OH YEAH???" A voice boomed from the building. X-Pac froze with fear; he hadn’t expected a response. But, he had sure got one, as the Taker stepped from the structure, all clad in black, his eyes rolling back in his head eerily. Following close behind was Hunter, grinning in glee, and Tori in her wedding gown, holding a chicken and sobbing. Taker spun to HHH.
"Get your ass down that mountain RIGHT NOW." He snarled viciously at Helmsley. "If this scrawny little bastard is up here, that means Chyna’s not too far behind. HBK is vulnerable MUHH HA HA HA HAAA!"
Hunter nodded furiously, sprung towards the edge and started scrambling down the rocky mountain face.
"And now I shall kill you." Cackled the evil Taker, pulling the sword of HBK from a scabbard hanging around his waist, and staring at it for a moment. X-Pac gulped in terror, but there was simply no where for him to run. He looked around frantically for a weapon, and hiding spot, SOMETHING, but failed to find, as the Dead Man charged at him, sword raised above his head. X-Pac cringed and awaited the final blow…
"WAAAAAAAAAA!"
A loud screech was heard, and all stopped dead in their tracks as HHH flew from the rocky face and hurtled through the air, arms and legs flailing like a spider. He flew like that for a good three seconds, before thumping heavily back to earth, landing at the Taker’s black leather clad feet.
"Chyna…" Was all he could manage to say, before passing out.
Taker’s eyes darted to the edge of the mountain in anger, as Chyna flipped out of nowhere and landed cleanly in front of X-Pac.
"You think you would learn NOT to send my pathetic brother on such important errands." Chyna sighed, scratching her nose, shrugging and pulling out her sword. "Oh well, most of my family turned out to be dip-shits. Whaddaya gonna do?"
Taker roared a most loud and pissed off roar and threw himself at the Warrior Princess. Chyna was slammed down by the sheer force of his body, and they hit the ground, the wind whipping at them like icy fingers at all sides. Chyna was on the ground, the Undertaker standing over her, and a dagger coming at her at warp speeds. She did the only thing natural to her in that kind of situation…she kicked him in the nuts.
The Dead Man groaned in anguish, and staggered a little to the left, which opened a world of possibilities to the resourceful Ninth Wonder of the Ancient World. She rolled from his path and sprung up from the ground, her sword no longer in her possession. Instead, she reached for her chakram, and with a snarl, sent it flying towards the Taker’s unprotected stomach. It flew at him, a whizzing disk of razor sharp metal, and struck his leather robe. It sawed through it…and went flying through to the other side, embedding itself in the building. All that remained was a shredded cloak…and a gaping hole through his gut. She could even see Tori through it…
"What the…?" Chyna said in shock, as Undertaker threw his head back in maniacal laughter.
"Stupid woman!" He cackled evilly. "If you get skewered on a tree, you’re gonna have some small disorders aren’t you??"
"Oh." Said Chyna, realizing she was out of weapons. "Crap."
Taker laughed and laughed as he kicked Hunter to get him moving, then sent him tumbling down the mountain to achieve his fell purpose…getting daddy.
***
Hunter landed heavily onto the ground at the bottom, but forgot his aches and pains the moment he saw a hapless Shawn sitting on a boulder. He grabbed his trusty knife, snickered and ran at him. HBK screamed, leapt off the stone and tried to run, but he tripped and landed helplessly in the dirt. Hunter simply couldn’t believe his luck.
He was so happy he didn’t notice what was going on around him…all he felt was his hair being ripped from his skull, and the rush of air as he flew through the stratosphere and onto the ground. He groaned and hacked…he had taken far too many falls today. Slowly he opened his eyes. Boots, black boots, stood over him…then red, then a hand clasping around his throat…
"Shit."
***
Chyna swore silently as a boot found its way into her stomach. She screamed a war cry and kicked franticly at thin air, striking nothing. She struggled away in a spin, bleeding from the mouth, and grasped at her midsection, trying to get some air into her body. She had barely enough time to recover, as soon she was under another assault from the Phenom. He hammered her, he boot kicked her, and one final, malicious headbutt brought her to one knee. Chyna muttered, and as he lent over to pull her up by the hair, she zapped him with a low blow.
It wasn’t much, but at any rate, repeated blows to his sugar bloated testes might just slow him down.
***
"FUCKING TARTARUS!" Hunter screamed, this one final obstacle getting under his skin. "It’s always something! There’s always something to stop me killing this bastard! You are gonna die, you hear me? Both of you! DIE!"
Kane, whom had enough of this impassioned speech, delivered a hellacious smash to the face which sent HHH reeling, before burying the knee into his ripped stomach. Hunter started screaming again about his life, his bad luck with women, his traumatic childhood, everything that had ever pissed him off, then started to smack himself in the forehead and stomp angrily on the ground, throwing the equivalent of a teenage temper tantrum. Kane rolled his eyes in disgust, strode forward and went to deliver another barrage of blows, but this tantrum seemed to energize Helmsley in some way. He leapt in a flurry of right hands and drop kicks, before slashing Kane across the arm with the knife and kicking him into a tree.
"I’m gonna get WHAT I FUCKING WANT!" HHH declared brutally, pulling out his sword and advancing on Shawn, a wicked little smile on his face. Shawn looked around for aid…Kane was down, Austin was lying in the grove with a beer…he was screwed. He needed to appeal to Hunter’s compassion, if any, somehow…it was time to let the cat out of the bag.
"Hunter!" Said Shawn, assuming his most godlike voice. "STOP. You wouldn’t kill your father would you?"
"No." Said Hunter, continuing to advance, his sword moving closer to the former god. "But I am gonna kill you."
"No, no, you miss the point." Muttered Shawn in despair. "I AM your father!"
"Uh, huh…" Said Hunter. "Whatever. Prepare to die. Where does blood spurt most from?"
"You don’t believe me?" Screeched Shawn.
"No."
"May I ask why?!"
"Because you’re about to die, and people say things when they’re screwed…stupid things. Just except it pal…I kicked your ass and it’s only fair that I kill you."
"That’s not very nice! And I AM your father! We look alike!"
"We have the same hair style. So FUCKING WHAT??"
"You’re real name is Huntercles son! I sired you! You’re half god!"
"So I’m an heir to your throne am I?" Said Hunter, smiling unpleasantly. "Well, there’s one more reason to kill you then."
"AW CRAP!" Groaned Michaels. But he saw Kane getting back up, and began to feel a little safer. Unfortunately, his facial expression told Hunter he was about to be ambushed. He spun around, flung his knife, and planted it directly in Kane’s knee.
He didn’t get up again.
"Oh just great!" Moaned Shawn in alarm, looking around for something to smack is son in the head with. He spotted a long, fallen branch and dove at it, snatching it up with both hands and taking a stance with the long chunk of wood. He swung it once, then twice, frantically sending the branch cutting through the air at Hunter. HHH jumped at Shawn and swung his sword towards the sexy boy’s chest.
"Nothing is going to stop me!" Hunter cackled. "Just accept it, I’ve gone through A LOT of shit to kill you, and it’s MY turn for victory!"
But it wasn’t over yet, not by a long shot, as whizzing outta nowhere, a Steveweiser hurtled from the trees and smacked Helmsley right in the forehead. The beer temporarily blinded him, and he staggered backwards, giving HBK a window of opportunity to flee. And out from the forest charged a pissed off Austin, who tackled HHH to the ground and started pummeling him senseless with fiery right hands. Hunter kicked him off with a forceful boot. He unceremoniously fell backwards and slammed directly into the escaping Michaels, stopping him dead in his tracks. HHH, his hair dreadfully messed up, screamed, ran forward and bought his sword slashing towards Shawn’s stomach. He rolled slightly, and the blow missed his midsection, but slashed into his arm. Blood, thick and red, came pouring out of the wound. Hunter sighed…the blood was enough, he couldn’t be bothered finishing him off, he would have to battle a piss pot. He pulled a gourd skin from his belt and filled it with the thick liquid, then looked up the mountain and screamed;
"HEY, BEAM ME UP TAKER! THE DEED IS DONE…SORTA. I GOT THE BLOOD!"
And he was gone in a puff of smoke.
Shawn started sobbing on the ground, as Austin lifelessly rolled off him and landed on the beer soaked earth. Kane swore and smacked himself in the forehead.
"If I could…move." He muttered. "I’d…kill you myself."
"Hear hear…!" Lolled the Drunken Steve as he rolled around in the dirt, giggling inanely.
***
Chyna dodged blow after blow, realizing she couldn’t keep this up. Suddenly, she felt a hand on her shoulder, spinning her around, and a blow connecting to her face. She coughed in pain and found herself staring at the ground…at a pair of black boots, at a familiar pair of metallic pants, at an amazing nose…
"Hunter!" She screeched as he threw her towards the edge of the mountain. She rolled towards the edge, and then felt herself tumbling off the brink. She grasped onto the side and found herself dangling over the jaws of life, helplessly. She saw Hunter rushing to the Taker happily, presenting him with a gourd. Taker opened the container and smiled and evil smile, confirming her fears…
"LET THE CEREMONY BEGIN!"
That gourd contained the blood of a god.
***
Chyna couldn’t hang on. She felt her grasp slipping away faster than her hope as she watched Taker and Tori stand together, Hunter standing there holding the gourd and grinning stupidly.
"We are here to celebrate the union of the Phenom and Queen Tori!" Hunter said gleefully.
"UNHOLY UNION."
"Oh, sorry. UNHOLY union of the Phenom and Tori."
"Queen Tori!" Tori said between sobs. (Yes, she’s still mourning for Shane!)
"Um sorry, sorry. Uh, if anyone apart from Chyna is against this taking place, speak now or REST IN PEACE!!!"
"ME DAMMIT!"
They turned to see X-Pac, who had been watching helplessly, run at the happy couple in anger. Taker sighed and caught him with a huge boot, knocking him cold.
"Anyone else?" Sighed HHH.
Nothing. This was it. Chyna was going…
When suddenly she felt something boost up her leg, supporting her before she tumbled to her doom.
"Then I now pronounce you…"
"DEADDDDD!!!" Screamed Chyna as she flipped from the edge and landed back to safety. And behind her, struggled up Christian and Mr. Ass! Taker snarled and attacked, but out from the Parthenon strode Road Dogg, who pounced and landed directly on the Phenom’s back! He struggled in vain to shake him off, but to no avail, as Road Dogg’s grip was pretty damn tight!
Badd Ass then sprung into action, kicking the Undertaker mercilessly in the legs as Road Dogg attempted to choke him out with a vice like grip around his neck, as he thrashed about like a guppy in a stingray tank.
"IT’S ME, IT’S ME, IT’S THAT D-O DOUBLE G!" The Dogg screamed in all his glory, as Badd Ass made life very uncomfortable for the Lord of Darkness from the other side.
"THE ROAD DOGG JESSE JAMMES!" Road Dogg shouted.
"THE BADD ASS BILLY GUNN!" Mr. Ass yelled.
"THE NEW AGE…OUTLAWS!!!" They both screamed together as the Taker slowly began to fade away.
"And of course, if you’re not down with that, I got two words for ya!" X-Pac added, leaping at the Taker’s face and performing a perfect drop kick, knocking him all the way down.
"S*CK IT!" The three reunited D-Generates screeched in perfect melody, kicking at the Taker, leaping and whacking, doing what they did best…kicking ass.
Chyna then did what she knew she had to do, what was her destiny to do…to murder Helmsley…again. She ran towards the building, pulled her chakram from the wall, and grinned a triumphant grin as she watched HHH start to attack Christian. With a quick movement of her wrist, she sent the sharp disk soaring through the air. It caught the light and flew, a shining weapon of sheer power, as Chyna watched its course, as it headed for her prey.
Hunter screamed as he felt the razor sharp metal implanting in his back, and sunk down to the ground, defeated. He saw leather boots walking towards him, and stared up pitifully at the Warrior Princess, before closing his eyes and sinking into the bloodied earth for one final time. Chyna smiled a smile of superiority and pulled the weapon out of his back, before setting her sights on the Undertaker, her final opponent.
Taker had managed to shake the D-Generates off, but had not suspected to be attacked by Chyna so rapidly. As she kicked him in the face, he fell, and found himself an arms length from the gourd of precious blood. He snatched it, and leapt up. laughing like a maniac.
"Uh uh uh." He said, waving his finger at Chyna as if she were a child. "One more step, warrior, and I drink the blood of HBK. Now we wouldn’t like that would we?"
"GO TO TARTARUS!" Chyna screamed, snatching the fallen sword of HBK, and sending it bursting through his neck before he could even raise the gourd to his lips. The precious container flew from his grasp, up up, and then descended down, landing conveniently in Chyna’s outstretched hand, while his headless body fell, his head rolling next to the lifeless form, his eyes rolled back.
Chyna raised the bloody sword above her head and screamed the most suitable chant she could think of at the time.
"OH HELLLLLLL YEAHHHHHH!"
***
And so, Chyna had succeeded in her quest to rid the world of the ultimate evil. Without the Taker, Corporate Ministry easily fell to the might of Vince the Barbarian, making the world safe again. The D-Generates had reunited, Shawn had returned to Mt. Sexy Boy to continue his reign as top god, Kane eventually managed to get Hunter’s knife out of his knee, and Austin returned to his favorite bar, to lead on the Legion of Drunks 2000. Everything was rolled up into a neat little package.
And as for Chyna, she returned to her favorite hobby…
Beating up the hos.
THE END.