The characters depicted here aint mine, they belong to darling Vincent the Barbarian...except fpr Syxx, he's MY bad boy...muh hahahahahaha! Oooh...no copyright infringement (what does that word mean anyway?!) Intended...
In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero…she was Chyna, a mighty she-male forged in the heat of her never ceasing low blows. The power…the passion…the danger! Her courage will change the world…for the better I can’t say, but hell, she’s gonna change it and the damn the consequences…
As you may recall, Syxx the evil Spawn thingie is making life a bitch for Chyna and all her little friends in their little world. Just wait till Chyna gets her hands on Hunter again! But the more immediate problem at hand is that Kane recently fell down a ravine with a jacked up she-he WCW troglodyte who goes by the name of Aysa. Oh dear.
Kane slowly opened his eyes, to find that he was quite amazingly alive, but quite unfortunately that Aysa had landed on top of him. He stood up immediately and the fierce woman slid off, and surveying his surroundings, began to make his exit. But Aysa too was up in a moment, and she looked at him with cold, calculating eyes, and she spoke;
“Just where do you think you’re going?! Eh?!” She spat nastily, adjusting her rabbit skin wonder bra in anguish. “You’re not leaving me here!”
“Uh…yeah…I am.” Kane stated flatly. And then he continued his exit. But Aysa ran at him and blocked his path, and she pulled forth a whip from her small, revealing negligee.
“I am Aysa, Warrior Queen!” She snapped. “I am the finest warrior in all of Nitro, and I’m telling you, you’re taking me with you! Don’t make me hurt you boy!”
Kane spun and stared at her, and unnoticed raised an eyebrow. Aysa snarled and ran at him, and nastily sprung upon his shoulders, maliciously smacking him in the head. Kane staggered backwards and went crashing into the wall, Aysa was flung off and landed heavily. She hissed and was up in a second, she snarled and was about to attack again when all of a sudden two of Billy’s, or rather Syxx’s ‘men’ came loping through the canyon…it was Mae Young and Moolah! Yes, Billy’s stunt grannies! And the pair of hideous crones both attacked poor old Kane at once, beating him senseless with their scabby old fists, and Aysa suddenly felt a twinge of sympathy for the big red dude…that and the fact that Mae was hellbent on displaying her puppies. So Aysa whipped Moolah off Kane, then spun on the gyrating Mae and ripped her head off…it was quite difficult too, for Mae’s neck had the quality of decomposing beef jerky. But Aysa managed it, and when she was done she grabbed Moolah and smashed her into the wall and until every bone in the old hag’s body was shattered, then she dropped her body on Mae’s headless one, and turned to Kane.
“I’ve had a change of heart…you can travel with me for a while, if you really want to…” She smiled a scary smile. “I wouldn’t want you to be attacked by old women again. Come on.”
Kane groaned but complied, hell, he didn’t want this woman to put him in a thigh clutch to the head again…
***
“Yeah…and what the fuck do you want, puff ball?”
“Now you li…li..lis…” D-von kindly smacked him in the noggin. “Listen here bitch. What do you think you’re doing, huh? I aint doing no…no…nothin to help you out…”
“That’s fine, fine…” Chyna said sweetly, dismissing it with a flick of her wrist. Bubba looked slightly surprised.
“You…you mean you don’t care?”
“Not at all.” Her wide smile grew ever so wider.
“Well…then we’ll be leaving now…testify…” Said D-Von, and he and his brother turned to walk out. Chyna raised her hand with a smirk.
“Uh uh uh…” She said firmly, causing the brothers to turn around in unison. Chyna turned to the Rock, who had already begun to walk towards the both of them. “Number One…string them up good and tight…”
“Wha…what?!” Bubba stammered as Chyna herself sprung from her seat and charged, the Rock by her side, and tackled them to the ground. Grabbing some rope, she spoke with a grim smile as she tied them up with her lieutenant.
“You don’t want to help…well that’s fine with me. You’re going to be the bait.” She paused to gag D-Von. “So I’ll tell you what…I’m gonna hang you from a nice tall tree all dressed up in your nice armor, and build a bit of a fake look out there. Naturally Syxx will attempt to kill you, and that’s when he will fall directly into the trap I have set for him…well, that I’m going to set. Then my men…these Hardyz, and a few select hos and Miss Kitty will leap out and provide what I call…distraction. They will fight him for a while, which will give me and Rocko…”
“It’s Rock.”
“Rock, the chance to make our way to Mt. Sexy Boy. Where we will hopefully free HBK, who in turn will be able to destroy this pathetic little bastard. And all this can take place when Road Dogg returns with Kane or X-Pac, but preferably both. Do I make myself perfectly clear?”
“MMMMmmmm! MMMMM!” The two brothers yelped in unison through their gags. Chyna patted each one on the head.
“Good..”
***
Kane and Aysa made their slow way through the pass. Neither speaking to one another or really even trying to look at one another. Aysa would shoot a bit of a glance at Kane once and a while, Kane would turn and eye her a bit, and they would continue walking. Finally Aysa broke the silence.
“Alright, spill the beans…why the fuck were you wandering through the sacred lands of Nitro?”
Kane looked at her. “Because.”
“No that just doesn’t cut it my large red leather clad friend.” She snapped. Stopping dead in her tracks. “You were there for a reason!”
“…I really wasn’t.” Kane sighed. “I got lost…look it’s a really long and painful story.”
“Well, lay it on me.” Aysa said, crossing her arms. Kane stared at her.
“You want to hear it?”
“Yes I want to hear it!”
“Alright…” Kane paused for a second to try and remember the way X-Pac always told the stories of Chyna, and when he thought he had sufficiently summed it all up in his mind, he began.
“Ok, the story begins with this woman named Chyna…she’s kinda like you…”
“Wait wait…” Aysa paused and pulled a flask out of her hefty cleavage. She swigged it and then handed it to Kane. “Get some of this into you…”
“…Ok.” Kane gently lifted up his mask and swigged some of it…it was very strong. “Now where was I…?”
“Chyna woman…” Aysa pulled a very large bottle out of her fuzzy bra. Kane’s eyes widened…oh well, the best way to tell this tale is when you’re completely shlacked anyway…
***
“Hey!” She hissed, elbowing him sharply. He sat up quickly, looking around.
“Wha…what!? The Rock was just resting the people’s eyes!”
“Somebody’s coming.” She said softly, and they all ducked down and waited. The footsteps came nearer, the Dudleyz whimpers became louder, there was a loud cracking noise and a shriek.
“Gaaaaaaaaa!”
“Gotcha fucker!” Chyna screamed running out of the thicket. She looked up, and there dangling from the net was a very frantic looking…Road Dogg. Chyna moaned in anguish.
“What are you doing up there you scabby little reptile?!” Chyna demanded angrily, staring upwards. “Get down!”
But Road Dogg’s struggles had ceased, his jaw had dropped and his eyes were transfixed, terrified on something in the distance. Chyna slowly turned around slowly to witness Syxx standing before them, carrying a lit torch, the flickering light playing on his demonic features. Chyna pulled out her Charkram but then paused as another figure came out of the darkness…it was HHH.
“Hunter…”Chyna breathed slowly, in shock. Hunter smirked and stepped forward, his hands on his black leather clad hips.
“That’s right Chyna, it’s me. And you know what, I think it’s high time I killed you for a change.” He took the torch from Syxx’s grip. “Can you say nighty night?”
And then he flung it into the scrub, the small bushes catching fire immediately and beginning to burn high into the night sky. He pulled a small flask off the side of his belt and threw it into the flames, causing a huge, smoking explosion which blew Chyna, Kitty and the Rock back 10 feet. The fire spread quickly and leapt up the sides of the trees, where unfortunately the charred skeletons of the Dudley boys dangled, their filthy grimy pots still very much attached. Kitty winced at the sight and turned her head, but Chyna stood up tall and flung her Chakram at her Brother…it bounced off his head and came flying back into her hand. He grasped his forehead in pain.
“OW! BITCH!” He shrieked, running around Syxx in little circles. “She hurt me! She hurt me! Do something!”
“Oh my Gods…” Syxx rolled his eyes at his accomplice. “The sacred scrolls never said anything about you being a dick weed.”
“Maybe they need some editing!” Kitty raised her quill high in the air and waved it about a bit…Chyna shoved her to the ground.
“Alright Syxx…you want to fight? So let’s fight.” Chyna snarled, pulling out her sword.
“What…here?” Syxx cried, looking at the smoldering remains of what used to be a forest. “No thankyou, I need an audience. I NEED AN AUDIENCE!”
“Did I hear someone say audience?” A slurred voice came from the blackened bushes, as Aysa and Kane charged through…Kane wearing Aysa’s fuzzy bra and Aysa’s wearing Kane’s oversized Tunic as a large red dress. Aysa raised the empty bottle over her head, and waved it about crazily while Kane giggled inanely.
“We’ll watch you baby!!!!” Aysa cried happily. “Who are you?”
“Well, it looks…it looks like he might be the stripper…” Kane said shakily, nudging Aysa in the ribs. “Aye? Sounds a bit rude to me!”
“Oh hellllllll yeeeee-ah!” Aysa screamed into the night air, before staggering over behind a tree and violently throwing up. Kane gave her a smack on the ass as she did so and she fell head over heels into her own vomit. “…Aw Fuck!”
“What the hell are you doing?!” Chyna demanded Kane, stomping up to him and forgetting all about Syxx, who seemed equally surprised. “You give our family a bad name!”
“Hey…you killed most of it!” Kane cried defensively, putting his hands on his hips. Chyna’s eyes narrowed.
“Don’t start with me!” She snapped. “Or I’ll hurt you.” And with that she snatched a fallen branch gave gave him a good whack over the noggin. Kane looked at her and swayed a bit.
“Look if you’re gonna fight use a REAL weapon…not a toothpick…” He moved a bit to the left and grabbed Aysa’s sword from her collapsed form, raised is very high…his arms began to give out, he staggered backwards…
And smacked Hunter so very very hard in the head.
“Alright, I’ve had enough!” Syxx snapped, stepping over Hunter’s lifeless body. I will fight you tomorrow, after breakfast, at the Parthenon of the gods, in front of my mother…and as many people who will buy tickets. Until then, bitch, I bid thee adieu.” And, grabbing the unconscious HHH by the scruff of the neck he was off in a smallish puff of black smoke. Chyna turned and stared at the blackened forest, the dead Dudleyz, Kane still swaying in a very fuzzy brassiere, and the general ruins of the place, and she sighed;
“What is going on in my horoscope today?”
To Be Continued…