In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero…she was Chyna, a mighty she-male forged in the heat of low blows, grog and charred Dudley Boyz. The power, the passion, the danger…her courage will sell a hell of a lot of tickets!
As you may recall, Chyna now is going to be involved in the publicity event of BC with her professional wrestling debut against Syxx atop of Mt. Sexy Boy for the safety of the world from nasties such as certain members of her Jerry Springerous family. Taking onboard a Great warrior named Rock, some high flying Hardy brothers and a carbon clone named Aysa, Chyna is poised for action…
Billy had really taken the selling of the tickets quite to heart as he rushed around the bar waving the scrolls that Kitty had kindly drawn up for the mammoth event, which featured stadium seating, free turnips and free beer. Stone Cold read the parchment excitedly as the entire Bar Community packed their overnight bags and begun the pilgrimage to Mt. Sexy Boy for the most meaningful event in their meaningless lives.
Vince picked up the scroll which had arrived for him via carrier pigeon (which was conveniently shot down, cooked up and pickled for one of Linda’s dinner parties, much to the offence of her feathery son) and read it while munching on his toasted breakfast. His eyes bulged and he spat his lovingly made breakfast on the table, leapt to his feet and called for his chariot. The McMahon’s and their esteemed high council were off, and Linda even took her pickled pigeon for a half time snack.
Mideon ran around the not-so-sacred-anymore lands of the Taker waving the invitation around franticly, that is until Bradshaw clotheslined him. The Holly’s leapt for joy, Viscera put on his favorite leather moo-moo, and the forces of evil shuffled off…its not everyday an event offers free turnips!
Chyna gaped at all the people arriving and clambering as fast as they could up the holy mountain to witness as Kitty quickly scribbled on her scroll behind her, surrounded by the Headbangers, D’Lo Brown and Gangrel. Kitty seemed to be becoming rather stressed out; Chyna strolled up to see what was going on.
“Look, is it that hard to write down?!” D’Lo snapped, thrusting a fistful of Dinars beneath her nose. “I’m wagering 25 dinars that Syxx will defeat Chyna, no interference!”
“Wait wait!” Mosh cried, handing her 2 dirty looking coins. “2 dinars says Chyna wins!”
“3 dinars!” Thrasher added, tossing another coin, which happened to be a very irregular shape. “3 dinars that Chyna will win! Oh wait…that’s not money…I didn’t think that hole had closed over…damn that one cost a lot too.”
“Ewwwww!” Kitty shrieked, flinging the small piece of metal away. “Look, I see your heart is in the right place, but I draw the limit at discarded piercings! Dinars only!”
“I was gonna pay you with my baby teeth…” Gangrel whined, reaching his hand into a small bag at his thigh and pulling out a handful of small pointy teeth. Kitty stared and she pulled a pained expression.
“What are you, an alligator?!” Kitty snapped, slapping his wrist and sending teeth flying in all directions, as Val Venis approached with a small mosaic. He grinned, declared that Syxx would win, and offered the object as his bet. Kitty never knew something so small could be so very pornographic and with a small cry she snatched it off him and bashed him across the head with the offending object, then, as soon as he had hit the ground, begun madly stomping on his fallen form. Chyna rolled her eyes and, taking Mosh’s 2 dirty dinars and Thrasher’s piercing and telling D’Lo to shove his money us his punctured ass, she shooed all the betters away and pulling Kitty off Val, started up the mountain…
The fight was on in an hour and there was no time for breakfast as Edge wandered in Chyna’s personal locker room with his wagon of fruity pies to wish the warrior woman good luck. What he found was Chyna laying back in her locker room clutching at her head while Kane and Aysa drank cheap wine and smoked ancient weed together on the floor (Maybe this woman wasn’t such a good influence after all…), the Rock doing his eyebrow exercises, a small group of hoes and the Hardyz doing aerobics and Kitty wildly scribbling down the tale while Road Dogg played a small flute. His eyes bugged at the sight of Chyna’s stress and so he offered her a pie, and she gave him such a glare he thought his testicles were in for a real pounding.
“Edge…as you can see, I may be totally screwed.” She stood up and prepared to give her moving speech. “But, I would like to take this opportunity to say, in front of this small crowd, who could pay me some respect and at least ATTEMPT to listen…” She kicked at Kane and Aysa at the ground; their wine splattered all over the place and they were on their feet immediately. “That although my line of work is one of the most back breaking, filthy, hardened, irritating, blood spattered and occasionally fatal occupations I can think of, I’m semi-happy. I’m semi-happy knowing I’m making a difference to all your assholes. I’m…aw hell, Aysa, gimme some of that wine. I might as well go out happy…”
“Hear hear…” Kitty clapped softly at the bravery of the Warrior Princess.
HHH munched happily on one of Edge’s gourmet fruity pies in the corner of Syxx’s personal changing room, while Syxx sharpened his sword, Tori styled her hair, and Taker stood in the middle of the room with his arms crossed, glaring at the small, weedy son of X-Pac. How dare he disobey him and not bring Kane? Was he that incompetent? Or perhaps he just felt like really pissing him off. At any rate, as soon as Chyna was dead at his feet, Syxx would be no more, he would assure that. The little bastard had to die with Chyna as he definitely could be a threat to his empire. As he was contemplating the thought, the horn sounded, the crowd cheered, and Syxx looked up…it was time.
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS MORNING AT THE SEXY BOY STADIUM WE HAVE THE ULTIMAAAAAATE BATTLE BETWEEN GOOOOOOOD AND EEEEEEEEEVILLLLLL!” Howard Finkle sounded like some great beast through that sacred horn of the echoes, he really did.
“INTRODUCING FIRST, THE SIDE OF ULTIMATE EVIL, ACCOMPNAIED BY HIS DOTING CRONIES, SYYYYYYYYXXXXXXX!”
“I am not a Cronie!” Undertaker snapped at Howard, leaping onto the podium, grabbing his toga and shaking him nastily. “Call me that again and I’ll…I’ll…”
Before he could finish Syxx had grabbed him by the britches and yanked him down from assaulting the Fink. Taker snarled and eyed the crowd nastily as he tried to maintain composure and continued to walk In his well perfected demonic way directly behind Syxx, with Tori behind him waving inanely at the crowd, and Hunter doing much the same. How did he get mixed up with these gits?
“Don’t treat me like a woman…Don’t you dare treat me like a man…and don’t treat me like you know me either!” Chyna shouted as she ran into the stadium, Miss Kitty at her side waving at the very excitedly crowd. Stone Cold rose from his seat at the front row and asked, a confused look on his face;
“Wait on. If I can’t treat you like a woman, and I can’t treat you like a man, and I can’t treat you like I know you…then how AM I supposed to treat you, eh?”
“Why, for who and what I am, silly boy!” Chyna giggled, waggling a finger at him as she staggered forward. “Gimme that!” And with that, she snatched his Steveweiser and swallowed the contents with one gulp. The crowd cheered even louder as she made loud grunting noises and flexed her muscles in a very over exaggerated manner, then ran around in a few small circles screeching “Wooooooooooo!” Road Dogg ran out into the arena and begun to scream “Getting jiggy wid it!”, Kitty bought out her pom poms and did a very athletic lamby leap in the air, Kane appeared smoking an ancient joint and Edge ran out with his fruit pies and flung them at Hunter with wild abandon. Chyna snatched the joint and inhaled very deeply, and suddenly everything felt pretty cosy in this arena. Stoned out of her brain and stinking of cheap wine she turned to face her adversary, tottering unevenly and, taking her Chakram from her side, whizzed it around her finger with a small giggle. Syxx’s jaw dropped and for the first time in his life he felt very, very embarrassed, Tori’s pout was so large it could have developed sentience, and HHH was franticly trying to get the caked mixture of pastry and summer berries out of his lovely hair. Chyna spoke;
“Now, we are all gathered here I’m sure to see me, Chyna: Warrior Princess, kick some serious ass! Candy ass! Roooooooody pooooooooooo!” Rock appeared behind her and he looked annoyed.
“Don’t you dare rip off the Rock’s sayings!” He squealed.
“Know your role…” Chyna spun and snarled.
“No, you know your role!” Rock snapped. “Why aren’t you knowing it?!”
“Because you’re full of shit Number One…given, it’s a special sort of shit, but the nonetheless…aw fuck off. I’m probably gonna be in a lot of pain soon and I don’t need you hassling me.”
Rock eyed her nastily, stamped his foot, and stomped off to his special bench, but immediately looked happier when Jeff Hardy gave him a turnip. Chyna continued;
“Anywho, back to being optimistic here, I would like to spend some time talking about…my boobies…”
Kitty dropped her pom poms quite stunned at Chyna’s pep talk to the crowd, but then again, most of the crowd was male, and Chyna did have some impressive boobies.
“Some people say my boobies have corrupted a large portion of the ancient world, but I say, why not let your dogs out as long as you have a nice strong leather leash! Coz leather is good except when your riding your pony coz then its goes all askew. But anyway, Syxx you disgusting little silky boy, I guran-damn-tee my boobies will slap you up like the bitch you are! Hand me that beer, Stevie!”
a pair of Steveweisers were thrown in her direction and, catching them in both hands, she cracked them open with her forehead, splashed it down her mighty boobies and gulped down the rest. Stone Cold could not help but wipe away a solitary tear.
“That was…so…beautiful.” He breathed as the Warrior Princess shook the sparkling droplets of ale in all directions. “She is truly…one of us…”
The drunken community was very moved at the beautiful sight of the drunken stoned Warrior Woman, but Syxx was less than impressed with her behavior. He could not believe that the Undertaker was defeated by this woman on all these occasions! He snarled, he screamed for attention, and he pounced on her…the battle was on!