Episode VIII: Live and Let Die.
The characters aren't mine, no copyright infringement intended, yadda yadda yadda.
As you may remember from her previous episode, Chyna and her annoying little sidekick Miss Kitty had been attending a nice little royal wedding, when some asshole made off with the bride, generally pissing Chyna off. She journeyed through the various kingdoms, searching high and low, until the final showdown with a 7’2, 500lb bag of grade A monkey crap known as the Big Show. Unfortunately, Chyna got kinda squished by the bulk of this beastie, in an attempt to save Kitty from the same fate. But fear not, for Kitty has vowed to rescue the Warrior Princess from hell’s depths…and damn the consequences!
The sun was rising over Mt Sexy Boy, and all seemed well. A small bunny hopped towards the edge of a pool to drink, a small deer skipped from the foliage and the birds sung in the trees. Everything was well, and everything was peaceful…well, for a little while, anyway.
But no, the peace shall be shattered as Kitty charges from the trees, her makeshift armor clanging and her newly appointed sidekick X-Pac whom scrambles after her in a desperate attempt to keep up. She stands, tall and proud, as she is KITTY, Warrior Princess!
“Come sidekick, we must pray at Mt. Sexy Boy.” Kitty stated, staring up at the huge mountain. X-Pac groaned.
“No, please, no!” X-Pac moaned. “Please don’t make me climb that damn mountain again. I almost got the sword of HBK implanted in my head last time I did that.”
“Oh yeah, I know that story, let me retell it…”
“NO!” X-Pac screeched, clapping his hands over his ears. “No, don’t you tell me one more stupid story! I’ll kill myself!”
Kitty sighed, and walked over to her slightly bedraggled accomplice. He edged away slightly from her, but she gestured her hand and then placed her palm on his forehead. X-Pac flinched slightly.
“Uh…what are you doing?”
“I am calming your raging emotions.” Kitty sighed peacefully, humming to herself. “We should meditate together before travelling any further. I can sense conflict in your soul…”
“Conflict?!” X-Pac spat disgustedly, throwing her hand off of his head. “I just want to you to shut up! Is that too much to ask?! You’re driving me insane!”
“I’m sorry you feel that way…” Sighed Kitty, sitting cross legged on the ground and hummed. “Maybe you should return to your D-Generate kingdom, and be happy…I am going to make the world peaceful.”
“What the hell is wrong with you Kitty?!” X-Pac demanded suddenly. “You’ve been acting really weird ever since…well, we passed by Taker’s lands.”
“Nothing is wrong….mmmmmm”
“Well…ok. But I’m still going.” X-Pac turned and started to head back towards his green little kingdom. Kitty waved serenely after him, before an evil smile formed on her lips.
“Fool…muh hah ha ha haaa!”
***
“Who are you?!” Tori demanded, jumping up from her throne and preparing to fry this unwanted guest. But the girl smiled a cold and evil little smile.
“Why…it is I, Tori.” She rolled her eyes back in her head; Tori paused for a moment.
“Taker?!”
“Yes Tori, it is I.” Taker cackled. “I stole this body when she came close to my lands. It is the body of Chyna’s sidekick and trusted friend. She was questing to bring Chyna back to life when I decided to borrow her..”
“Really…?” Mused Tori. “So the warrior wench had an accomplice, did she?! Ha! We will use her against Chyna, she must never be brought back to spite me! But…how to you do it? The rebirth wasn’t a success!”
“Yes, that stupid ingrate couldn’t handle the evil I had bestowed against him…but he did kill Chyna. I managed to will my spirit into the girl’s body as she walked by…she was very close. And as for the Big Show…he was too stupid to be ruthless anyway.”
“Ah…yes, I see.” Tori sighed, sitting down on her throne. “No doubt the fates would bring Chyna back to life, it wasn’t her time. How are we going to persuade them otherwise?”
“I’ve sent Paul Bearer around for lunch.” Taker laughed evilly. “When he’s done, their agricultural situation will be hurtled back to the stone age. They’ll be willing to talk.”
“Brilliant strategy!” Tori snickered. “And as for the revenge on my husband, I have decided I shall have a child to a mortal. It will be trained by you until the day of Armageddon, and then it will conquer HBK.”
“I love it when you talk like that…” Taker cackled in Kitty’s body. “It’s a brilliant plan. Chyna’s soul will be ours, your son will destroy HBK and I shall live again to become master of the universe! Muh ha ha ha ha haaaaa!”
***
“What evil has sent this plague to us?!” Wailed the second fate, Terri.
“Who will save us?” The third fate, B.B, screamed, trying to make Paul hand back the last of their food. “We must save the Warrior Princess, stop it.”
But Paul Bearer, ever the opportunist, snatched up their supply of the precious Ambrosia they were going to use to save Chyna, and stuffed it down his flabby throat. Luna and Terri screamed in horror, for the worst thing had happened...Paul Bearer was now god!
”Save us!” Wailed B.B. “We must save Chyna somehow and bring her back to stop this plague! Paul will destroy the world with his hunger! There will be no more crops!”
Paul chortled maniacally and then waddled from the chambers, leaving the room in a state of disrepair. But at once Luna had a bright idea. Using her greatest powers, she called upon the ghost of the Warrior Princess.
“Oh, Warrior Princess, tis a woeful day!” Luna wailed.
“Oh woeful dayyyyy!” Terri and B.B echoed in unison.
“Alas, alack…Paul Bearer has become a god!” Luna sobbed.
“Oh woe is us!” Terri howled.
“Really?” Sighed Chyna. “Hell, that’s too bad.”
“Alas, it is!” B.B moaned. “You must help us!”
“Well, you know I would, but there is that one pesky little element…” Chyna sighed. “You know, the fact that I’m really very dead at the moment.”
The three Fates all looked at each other at a moment, and then fell to sobbing.
“Oh, it’s true! What are we to do?” Luna screamed. “But…there may be a way…”
“Uh huh.” Sighed Chyna.
“We will send you back into the body of another!” Luna declared.
“Yes, ooh yes!” Terri cried, clapping her hands excitedly. “That is a good one!”
“Do I get to pick?” Muttered Chyna.
“Well…it must be someone of little importance to the great scheme of things.” Luna stated briskly.
“Oh, I know plenty of people like that.” Chyna said with a roll of her eyes. “They’re all relatively useless.”
“But, you don’t know what they may do in the future!” B.B said. “We know all, past…”
“Present…” Sighed Terri.
“And future!” Luna chimed in. “Did you know that one day X-Pac will become a hero to all mankind?”
“What the fuck are you smoking?” Chyna muttered.
“And that Jericho will pull off the biggest heist in Egyptian history?!”
“Not if I can help it.”
“And…” Luna added in sneakily. “We know…we know that it is not your time. You’re destined to die a horrible death somewhere else in the future, and that is why you MUST go back!”
“Oh, how comforting.” Chyna groaned. “Well then…go on, send me back.”
And with that, the three Fates fell to chanting. Terri raised her arms as light began to flicker about the chambers, and a strange mist began form before the three Goddesses.
“The time has come!” B.B screeched as out of this mist, which was becoming increasingly green, stepped none other than…the Road Dogg! Chyna groaned.
“No, not him!” Chyna moaned. “Not him!”
“What is going on?!” Road Dogg demanded. “Where the hell am I?”
“You are going to be loaning out your body for a while!” Terri declared. “Chyna must rescue mankind once more!”
“What?!” Screeched the Road Dogg in horror. He began frantically looking for an escape route. “No, I object! You can’t just up and steal my body…it’s a handsome body! It’s mine!”
“You’ll be quite comfortable here in hell.” Sighed Luna. “We have ducted heating, you know.”
“You have no say in this, Jesse Jammes.” B.B said, shoving him to the back of the room. “You are quite safe from harm.”
“Yeah, I am, but what if Chyna gets herself killed?! That’s my body she’ll be killing!”
“That will not happen!” Terri sighed. “And now Chyna, you must depart.”
Chyna opened her mouth to argue, but was already hurtling through time and space towards her new home…
***
And Chyna’s spirit landed smack bang into Road Dogg. She looked around quickly, realizing she was standing in the D-Generate Kingdom.
“Dammit!” She…or he, cried. “Bad taste, damn bad taste.”
And then she began to examine her surroundings, as not to look to conspicuous. It was truly a little hell hole, the walls broken, the altars smashed, and everything pretty much still in disrepair after the nasty little attack from Mark Henry. Luckily for her, she was alone. But not for long. Kane came walking through the small, smashed throne room, and Chyna immediately attempted to think up the certain mannerisms of the Dogg.
“Hi…” She said quickly. Kane nodded in acknowledgement.
“Um…you may find this hard to believe…” Chyna begun, as Kane turned and looked at the Road Dogg. “But, I’m not who you think I am…I’m Chyna!”
Kane stared at him oddly, Chyna continued.
“I’ve been brought back to life by the fates to save the world from your fatass father who just happens to have become a god and threatens to destroy the world by eating all the crops.”
“Oooo kay.” Kane said slowly. Chyna smiled hopefully.
“You believe me right…you have to believe me?”
Kane nodded his head slightly. “No.”
“Why not?!” She spat. “Why would I make up something as ridiculous as that?! Why would I waste your time and mine making up stupid lies like that?!”
Kane was about to reply, but Chyna continued.
“Ok then, I’ll prove it to you, ok? Look, look…” And the Road Dogg pulled off a series of perfect back flips, leaping onto the table, grabbing a plate a flinging it like a Chakram. It whizzed through the room and shattered against the wall. He stopped, panting.
“See, see dammit?!” Chyna screeched. “It’s me, it’s me, it aint that D-O-double-G! It’s Chyna!”
“My fatass father is a god, huh?” Kane sighed. Chyna nodded vigorously.
“Yeah…yeah he is, but I’m gonna stop him. I’m gonna stop him…”
And out the Road Dogg ran, screaming a pitiful attempt of the war cry.
“Yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip!”
“Someone’s been smoking X-Pac’s weed…” Kane said to himself.
***
“What about Edge?” Tori asked very hopefully. “He is such a hottie, we would have beautiful children together. Or his brother, Christian, he’s quite nice…”
“Silence.” Taker demanded. “You will have the child to my half brother. It will become a ruthless killing machine after I have finished training it. It’s all in the genes.”
“Kane?!” Tori said in disgust. “Out of all the gorgeous men wandering the earth, and you pick Kane? He’s not even cute…well he may be, but I’ll never know, will I?”
“I know my brother, and a child from him will be evil. His father is evil.”
“What if my child develops an eating disorder?! Like Paul Bearer…you can’t do this! And what if it looks like you?!”
“What’s wrong with that? My old body was extremely handsome.”
“Are you kidding me? You’ve deluded yourself, haven’t you?!”
“Don’t start with me, wench!” Taker snarled, throwing her dark hair back and stomping towards Tori.
“It is the closest we have to a child with my genes. HHH is dead, and I am now fully incapable. That leaves Kane, so don’t you complain!”
“What about…what about….someone really muscular and evil like…”
“Viscera?” Taker asked with a smirk. Tori was taken aghast.
“Fine. I shall woo Kane, but I’d rather have Edge, he’s such a babe.”
“Good.” Taker cackled. “Everything shall go to plan, and HBK will be destroyed!”
“Yeah, yeah.” Tori muttered as she transported back down towards earth begrudgingly.
***
“Ah…queen Tori.” Said X-Pac flatly. “Good day.” And he attempted to walk by her. But she hurriedly blocked him.
“Um…X-Pac, isn’t it?” She asked softly.
“Yeah.” Sighed X-Pac.
“And I guess you know who I am?”
“I’ve got a pretty fair idea, Tori.” X-Pac muttered. Tori smiled.
“I hope you don’t hate me…I didn’t mean any of the awful things I’ve done.” Tori said sorrowfully. X-Pac shrugged and tried to keep walking; she continued. “I…Taker made me do such awful things. I’m trapped in a loveless marriage, and Shane promised me a better life if I married the Taker. I did so, but…Chyna ruined everything. It was for the better, I suppose. She was right, Shane was nothing but a little bitch…but, but…ohhh I’m going on again.” And she burst into tears. X-Pac stood there for a moment, then in true gentlemanly fashion he went and tried to console her.
“There there…” He said awkwardly. “Shane is a bitch.”
“Oh, I’m such a fool, I thought he truly cared for me…”
“Now now, don’t call yourself that, your not dumb. Where are you going?” “
I fled from Mt. Sexy Boy after…after Shawn abused me, mentally, physically…and, and sexually!”
X-Pac sighed and put his arms around her; Tori buried her head in his shoulder and sobbed.
“Oh, you’re so kind, after all the horrible things I’ve done.” Tori wailed. “I don’t deserve your sympathy.”
Uh…it’s ok Tori.”
And Tori grinned evilly; “Oh, could you walk me to the inn?”
“Yeah, sure.”
And Tori and X-Pac walked off together, Tori’s evil scheme working perfectly. This was the man whom she would bear his son and heir. She had never been so turned on by a man in all her life.
***
“Road Dogg!” Billy cried running towards him. “My crops, they’re all eaten! The gods are punishing me…can I borrow yours?”
“No.” He said, rolling his eyes. “All mine are gone too…Paul Bearer has become a god.”
“Holy flying orbs of Sable!” Mr. Ass shrieked. “The earth will starve to death!”
“Yeah, it’s pretty bad.”
“Too bad that warrior bitch is dead, she’d deal with it.”
Warrior Bitch?! Chyna thought viciously. “Yeah…too bad.”
“Though I guess she probably couldn’t deal with it…she seems to make everything worse…remember when the Taker first tried to kill us, and she had him killed, and then he came back and raised more hell? That was all her fault.”
“Um…that’s not quite how I remember it, but yeah.”
“And that time she had Nicole Bassius beat my ass! What a whore!”
“I’d shut up now. Ass Man.”
“Aw, and the way she died…what a pitiful way to croak it, she got squashed by the guy she was trying to kill, how damn pathetic! She didn’t even save the princess, what a…”
Road Dogg’s fist fast met up with Billy’s nose; and down he went, once more clutching his ass in horror.
“Goodbye, Mr. Ass.”
And off Chyna went, swearing all the way.
***
“Ohhh X-Pacccc…” She cooed, lying back seductively as X-Pac came back from the lake. “Come here sexy.”
“I…I can’t believe I just got laid with the Queen of the Gods.” X-Pac said, starting to comb his wet hair. “I mean…wow, is mom gonna be proud.”
“Oh X-Pac, are you going back to the D-Generate kingdom?”
“Of course, that’s where I live.” X-Pac sighed absent mindedly. Tori raised a wicked little eyebrow.
“Oh…then you don’t know?”
“Um…no. What?”
“That Kane intends to kill you! He was planning to rejoin his brother the Undertaker, and first he had to take you out of the picture. You know he’s an unpredictable physco …I’m surprised he hasn’t done you in already.”
“Are you serious?” X-Pac laughed. “That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! Kane wouldn’t do anything like that.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way, but it’s the absolute truth! He was dealing with the Undertaker when he attempted the takeover the first time…why else would he have killed him?”
“Um…well, I thought he killed him coz he hates him.”
“That’s what he wanted you to think…he killed him because he knew that he would come back more powerful than ever. That’s why he wasn’t at the final battle atop Mt. Sexy Boy. He was in cahoots with his brother the whole time. How else would have Hunter got the blood? Kane wouldn’t have let that happen unless he wanted it to.”
“It’s all just coincidence.” X-Pac said, but this time he didn’t sound so sure.
“Is it? X-Pac, you’re an intelligent man, I thought you would have picked up on his deceit earlier. You go back there, he’ll kill you.” Tori paused to look at X-Pac’s face. She knew he was starting to trust her. “I shouldn’t even be telling you this, but he came up the mountain to see his brother all the time! We were all in on it, although I wish now that I wasn’t. I’m telling you this because it’s about time I came clean. I want to turn over a new leaf, which is more than I can say for Kane.”
X-Pac was now seriously starting to believe her. “What will I do? I won’t go back…he can’t kill me if I’m not there!”
“No, he’ll hunt you down! He has powers even you don’t know about. No…you must face and kill him.”
“With what…swords are no good…should I shoot him?”
“I shall help you.” Tori said evilly, as a large mace, encrusted in small skulls, appeared in her grasp. “Take this. It will kill anything it touches. It is my gift to you.”
X-Pac took the evil looking weapon in his hand and looked it over. “You sure this will kill him?”
“Positive…” Tori purred, slipping out from between the sheets and putting her clothes back on. “And now, my dear X-Pac, I must be going before my husband starts to miss me too much. And remember, be ruthless.”
And she disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving X-Pac alone in the room, holding the weapon.
***
She found him sitting alone in one of the less shattered rooms, and smiled as she stepped seductively through the doors. Kane jumped to his feet immediately and glared at her balefully. Tori put her hands up defensively.
“Easy big guy…I’m not here to hurt you.” Tori said, taking a careful step forwards. She had to play it very carefully here. “I’ve just come to talk.”
Kane continued his glare, but she took another tiny step towards him and continued her calm smile.
“Well, he did it. He finally pushed it too far.” Sighed Tori, shaking her head. “My no good husband took another wife and flung me from Mt. Sexy Boy. Mortal cow! And here I am…mortal, which is worse.” Kane tilted his head to one side questioningly; Tori played her hand.
“Yes, it’s true, I’m no longer a goddess. He took my immortality in a fit of rage when I questioned him about why he had betrayed me.” And with that she took a knife and ran it along her hand; blood dribbled from the small cut. She wiped it onto the drapes and continued. “I had nowhere to go. I would have asked Chyna to help me, but she was tragically killed. I come across Road Dogg’s palace and was going to ask if I could stay a while. I suppose you want me to leave…I understand.” She turned towards the door.
“Stay…if you want.” Kane said. Tori grinned and turned back towards him.
“I suppose you understand about betrayal, it’s new to me.” Sighed Tori, a small tear rolling down her cheek. “I mean, I never expected he’d do something like this, to allow a mortal to take my place in his heart. I loved him once...we were very young when we married. I was one hundred and six and he was one hundred and nine. I was a fool to expect it to last the rest of our immortal lives.”
“I’m sorry.” Said Kane sympathetically.
“Oh, don’t pity me, in a way I deserved it. After all the awful things I did under the influence of your brother, you’re being so sympathetic.”
“My brother is evil.” Said Kane. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“I believed him.” Tori sighed, starting to cry. “He told me I would have a better life, and all I got was shit.”
“Uh…” Kane decided to consider the options as she sat on the bed and tried to cry on his shoulder. In the end, he let her. “I’m soooo (sob) stuupiddddd….”
Kane, not used to such situations with women, was easy prey for the manipulative wench. He caved.
“You’re not stupid, Tori.”
“Oh…you think?”
“Um…yeah, I guess.”
“THANK YOU!” And with that she threw her arms around his neck. “You like me, you really like me!”
Kane paused for a second…he wasn’t quite sure that he actually liked her, he had just said that to shut her up. But there was no going back now. He nodded slightly.
“Oh, Kane!” Thank the gods I found you when I did!” Tori said suddenly, satisfied she had gained a small sliver of his trust. “I must tell you…X-Pac, he’s going to kill you!”
“What?!” Kane demanded, standing up and staring angrily towards her. She backed off.
“It…it’s true! Before I was cast out, he appeared at Mt. Sexy Boy to discuss plans with the Taker.”
“The Taker?” Kane demanded. Tori suddenly realized she had said too much. “He’s dead.”
“Um…his spirit lives and is cahoots with X-Pac! I swear I saw it with my own two eyes. They shook hands on the deal. X-Pac was the one responsible for Chyna’s death, too.”
“He tried to help…he’s just not very good at it.” Spat Kane.
“Ha, that’s just what he wanted you to think…he led Kitty underneath Big Show, knowing that Chyna’s code of honor wouldn’t allow Kitty to die! He was the one responsible for your own sister’s death, and now he’s out to kill you too! He’s sold his soul to the Undertaker and there’s no going back!”
Kane’s eyes darkened as he strode towards Tori. “Why are you telling me this?”
“To protect you, of course!” Tori said. “When X-Pac returns, he’ll kill you. He killed Kitty on the pass, then doubled back to finish you and the Road Dogg off. He’ll then have control of the D-Generate kingdom and use that power to take over the universe with the Taker! You must kill him first!”
Kane looked confused; Tori leapt at the opportunity and summoned up another weapon of destruction; this time a large, skull encrusted sword. “Take this, it will kill him easily. He’ll be no match for you.”
Kane took it and nodded. “I’ll kill him.”
“Excellent…” And Tori turned and left the room, heading back to Mt. Sexy Boy, her plan working perfectly. She stopped to stare at her hand, which harbored no wound at all, and the small vial of hens blood concealed up her sleeve. Then she vanished…
***
***
“I might of known!” X-Pac snarled, swinging the mace threateningly. “Here you are, waiting to kill me.” His smirk was superior. Kane lowered his head menacingly and prepared the sword.
“I could crush you.” Kane growled. “You know it, you are NOTHING compared to me.”
“Oh yeah?!” Snarled X-Pac. “Well come on then. KILL ME!”
Kane swung the weapon, but X-Pac ducked and threw a shot towards Kane’s legs. He spun and blocked, then smashed him in the nose with his elbow. X-Pac tumbled to the ground, but sprung back up, the mace in his grasp. He swung it a little frantically, but Kane simply took a step back.
“What the fuck are you doing?!” The Road Dogg’s voice sounded from behind them. Kane turned and X-Pac swung…
“No!” Chyna screeched, back flipping towards X-Pac, but it was far too late. Luckily, however, Kane had turned, and the mask shielded the hit. He fell to the ground, X-Pac readied the weapon for the death blow, but Chyna intervened, scissor kicking the mace from his grasp and then punching X-Pac down into the earth.
“What are you doing?!” He screamed, kicking the pair of weapons away. “You could have killed each other.”
“That was basically the idea.” X-Pac growled. “I’d be careful if I were you Dogg, that sociopath could lash out at any second.”
“Hey, I’m not the one who killed Kitty.” Muttered Kane.
“Kitty’s dead? Huh, you killed her too, did you? Sick bastard!”
“Whoah, whoah…” Chyna said. “Who said that Kitty’s dead?”
“Tori…” Kane muttered, clambering to his feet.
“Tori?!” X-Pac spat. “No way, she told me that, that…”
“That Kane’s one crazy physco?” Chyna sighed. X-Pac nodded.
“Yep.” Chyna muttered, picking up the sword and the mace. “Did either of you happen to notice that the Taker’s insignia is on these things?”
X-Pac sat silently I the dirt; Kane absent mindedly scratched his ear.
“I thought so.” He said, throwing them back down to the ground. “Now listen. I’m not the Road Dogg. I’m Chyna, and I’ve been sent back to stop Paul Bearer…but I think that was just to divert me from a larger scheme. Tori and the Taker have got something going here, and I’m gonna find out what it is.”
“So…you’re not the Road Dogg?” X-Pac asked.
“No.”
“So where is he?!”
“Um…hell.” Said Chyna. “He’s in the luxury suite, don’t worry.”
“This day just keeps getting weirder and weirder, don’t it?” Sighed X-Pac, getting up slowly. “One minute you’re trying to save the world, then you get rejected, then you have hot, wild sex with a goddess and then you try and murder…”
“What?!” Screeched Chyna. “Sex with a goddess…which goddess?!”
“Uh…Tori.”
“You frikkin moron!” Chyna screamed, shaking her head in despair. “How stupid can you get?! There’ll be a child…and it will destroy us all.”
“How do you know that?” X-Pac sighed. “It was just a little fling. Nothing.”
“Nothing is NEVER nothing when Tori is concerned, dipshit!” Chyna groaned, smacking him in the forehead. “Good gods, I shoulda stayed dead. It would have been less stressful.”
“So, what are we gonna do, Chyna?” X-Pac asked timidly.
“YOU are going to stay here and cause no more trouble. Both of you, I’ve simply had ENOUGH. You can stay and kill each other for all I care. I’m going up the mountain to destroy the child.”
“Now…hang on a second Chyna…” X-Pac started. “We don’t know it’s evil, and it’s my child. You just can’t up and kill my kid!”
Chyna paused for a second. “Maybe.”
“Don’t kill it.”
“We’ll see. Now stay put, I’m going after the Taker’s dead ass.”
***
“Who the hell are you?!” Taker spat. Chyna froze.
“Kitty?” He said, taking a step forward. “Kitty, what are you doing here?”
Taker suddenly felt his advantage. “I was kidnapped by the Undertaker!”
“Don’t worry, after I’ve taken care of Tori I’ll get you outta here.”
“Uh huh…” Said the Taker, raising a dagger behind Chyna’s back. He turned…the flash of steel was before him…he caught the blade between his palms in true Chyna fashion. Taker laughed and rolled her eyes back in her head.
“Taker…” Chyna hissed.
“Road Dogg.” Taker cackled.
“Oh how wrong you are…” Chyna hit him with a flying sidekick, sending the small, fragile girl’s body crashing to the ground. He raised an eyebrow.
“Chyna?!”
“You got it.” He said. “And you’re going straight back to hell.”
“Ha!” Taker sniggered. “You kill me, you kill your little friend. You can’t have both, you know…”
“We’ll see.” Sighed Chyna, staring at the ground. “I call upon the fates! Send our spirits down to hell and return the bodies to their previous owners.”
Chyna smiled a grim smile as their spirits were released and shot back down to hell…
***
“We shall see, Dead Man.” Chyna smirked, pulling the essence of the Chakram, a flaming annulus and flinging it towards him. The demons and death watch crawled from the hiding places, ready to reclaim the loser as their own as Taker blocked the blows with a fireball of his own. Chyna screamed her warcry and backflipped into action, hitting him with a flying drop kick combo to the chest.
“Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!” She screamed as Taker staggered back, then glared, raised his arm and sent her flying backwards. Her body shuddered on earth as her soul was mercilessly beaten into. But she refused to give up, landing his spiritual balls with a hell of a low blow. He staggered, she smashed him in the face with her gauntlet, pulled out a pair of her flaming chakrams and flung them, pinning the Dead Man to the wall. She pulled another out of thin air, growled viciously, and sent it flying towards his throat; it embedded itself in his neck…the fight was over. At once the demons swarmed; he screamed in horror as they dragged him through the rock face as if it weren’t there and back to hell’s prison. The three Fates appeared.
“You were triumphant.” Said Terri.
.“We now have gathered enough Ambrosia to give you life.” Sighed B.B.
“And we have subdued Paul.” Stated Luna, handing her the flowery substance. “Swallow it. It will heal your crushed body and send your spirit back into it.”
Chyna nodded, but Terri raised her hand. “The child. You must decide about the child.”
Chyna ate the Ambrosia, and was at once transported back into her body. She stood for a moment in the cave where she had died, until the Fates sent her post haste to Mt. Sexy Boy. There she stood, dressed in a robe, her massive stomach jutting from the fabric. She held her abdomen and grinned wickedly.
“It’s growing, Chyna.” Tori hissed. “It will be your murderer.”
“The Taker is dead Tori. I doubt you COULD raise it to be evil…just a stupid as yourself.”
“Do not underestimate me Chyna.” Tori suddenly clutched at her gut and groaned. “The baby…it’s coming!”
Chyna could have very easily stabbed Tori in the stomach; instead she dropped the sword and rushed towards her, shoved her onto a pile of cushions and took a deep breath.
“What are you doing?!” Tori shrieked between pants.
“Keeping a promise.” She muttered, grabbing a bucket of water and putting it over the fire. “Push, dammit, push!” At this point, Kitty and Road Dogg ran in and were somewhat forced to watch their first birth…
Tori screamed, Road Dogg fainted, Kitty threw up…Chyna kept her nerve, and knocked the mother to be cold. The birth was rather messy from this point, as Chyna was forced to perform the world’s first caesarian section with the aid of a towel, a bucket of water and her chakram. I shall refrain from the details…
“A boy!” Chyna cried, pulling out the child and hurriedly cutting the cord, wrapping it in a nearby blanket and speeding from the Parthenon. Down the mountain she slowly climbed, the wailing child in her grasp.
“Why me?” Chyna muttered.
“You need some help there?” Kitty asked. Chyna climbed even faster.
“You stay away from me, I remember what happened last time you said that.”
“Ah.”
“There you go.” Chyna sighed, handing X-Pac his half god son. X-Pac looked slightly confused.
“What ever happened to the nine month waiting period?”
“Trust me, gods can bend the rules a little.”
“Oh.” X-Pac stared down at his son. “He’s kinda cute, aint he?”
“Oh…as long as he don’t grow up to look like you.”
“HUH?!”
“Kidding, kidding.”
“Oh…right.” X-Pac nursed the tiny baby happily. “What should we call him? X-Pac Junior?”
“That is…pretty bad, X-Pac.” Sighed Road Dogg. “What about Jesse Jammes Junior?”
“This is not a puppy!” Chyna sighed. “It’s your son. Give him at least a half decent name!”
“I like X-Pac as a name!” X-Pac said indignantly. “What about you Kane…you got ant ideas…we gotta give him a name before his first birthday, dammit!”
Kane thought for a minute. “Sean?”
“What?!”
“Well, that is your given name, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, but…”
“Well, why not?” Asked Road Dogg. “Sean Jammes.”
“That’s gotta nice ring.” Shrugged Chyna. “Come on X-Pac, stick with something.”
“John? Bob? Roger? Rikishi?” Kitty ran through names.
“I know...Syxx! Whaddaya think?”
“I quite like it.” Sighed Road Dogg. “The Syxx Dogg, yeah, it’s brilliant.”
“In that case…” X-Pac held the baby above his head in a regal, definitive kinda way. “I dub thee SYXX, future lord D-Generate!”
“Always kickin that shiznit dawg-gee style!” Road Dogg added.
“Let it be so!” X-Pac screamed, then paused. “Oh…someone needs to be changed.”
Chyna stopped to watch X-Pac panic and frantically search for something to surpass as fresh trousers, then mounted her horse and gestured Kitty to her side.
“You think he can raise a child?” Kitty asked hopefully.
“Oh yeah, piece of cake. The kid will be able to punch his lights out by the time it’s one, anyway. Remember, it isn’t human. Come on Kitty.”
And so, the Warrior Princess rode into the sunset, her faithful sidekick by her side, ready for their next adventure…
And Tori watched them from the heavens, and she cackled…all the pieces were falling into place.