Note: More of the Hiss and Purr series... Kat explains her confusion...

Ray looked at Kat and sighed. He knew how hard it had been for her to come to the WWF show. The mere possibility of running into Steve had made her change her mind a total of five times. After her fall, and subsequent encounter with Steve, she had refused to be budged, specially when Ray had questioned her decision to return to Switzerland. Ever since the beginning of her therapy, today was the very first time the young woman had agreed to rest and do nothing for a whole day. Ray sat next to her and the two of them admired the view in silence, letting the beauty of the Swiss Alps capture their souls.
"I saw him go to his car," Kat said slowly, her eyes still on the mountains. "He looked drunk, stoned, completely out of it. He couldn't even walk straight. My first instinct was to hold on to my purse a little tighter. In case he came my way and asked me for money, you know? But I stopped paying attention fairly quickly. The America song was still on my mind and I was running through the routine in my head. I'd done harder bits. But this one was special."
Kat sighed and the flow of words stopped as she observed a lone skier race down a mountain side, a flare in his hand, lighting his way. Then the flare died and no matter how hard she squinted, she couldn't see him anymore.
"It was so glamorous, honoring not only Jerome Robbins, but another one of my idols too. Rita Moreno was superb as Anita. Such life, such verve, such beauty. And the way she danced... I dreamt of that role, dreamt of dancing it for her and have her know it had meant as much to me as it had to her. I lived for that show. And for Steve.
"Steve... That man pursued me restlessly. Even while I was with my ex. Poor Andrew, he had no idea. Not that I wanted him to know, not really. Because I didn't want him to do something rash and tell Steve to stop coming on to his girlfriend. I love him but Steve is a diva and might have gotten Drew in trouble. And holding on to my secret was... I don't know, made me feel special, cherished, and sexy.
"I pretended to resist for a long time but from that moment I saw Steve literally undress me with his eyes one day, we both knew I was delaying the inevitable. That first night, the first time I cheated on Andrew, it wasn't something we had planned. Andrew was supposed to meet me in Stamford after the SMACKDOWN tapings and we were going to come up to Montreal. He got stuck doing a signing for Jason instead. Vince didn't want me to waste any time so he booked me for a story meeting with Steve.
"When I saw him standing there, I knew I was going to be unfaithful to Andrew before the night was over. And I wanted Steve too much to care. After four months of running around, I couldn't pretend anymore. I turned down Andrew's proposal and came home. Steve knew by then that I wouldn't touch him unless he left Debra. I never asked him to leave her though. I wanted him to, I think. I'm not sure. I was still afraid we'd been a mistake. I didn't want him to end his marriage over what could have been a huge mistake.
"But he did it, he ended it. And came after me. For some reason, I tried to resist him and my feelings for him, but I couldn't do it for very long and I finally realized I was hopelessly in love with him. I still am."
"So why are we here?" Ray asked. "If you love him so much, why are we in Switzerland?"
Kat said nothing and stared down at her hands. Ray looked at Kat and saw tears splatter onto her skin. She cried in silence, her tears momentarily turning into crystals as they hung in the air, light from the winter moon hitting it just so.
"I failed him," Kat whispered.
"The baby..." Ray said, thinking back to her nightmares.
"I didn't know, Ray. I was too wrapped up in Steve and dancing to know I was pregnant."
"You think losing the baby was your fault?"
"It was. Life is a balancing game, Ray. You get what you put out. I cheated on Andrew, I made Steve walk out on his marriage... I got what I..."
"You DO NOT want to finish that sentence," Ray growled, jumping to his feet. "What the hell happened to you?"
"I don't know."
"You changed a lot Kat. I remember admiring you and your cousin Jennifer when we were kids. You two were the fiercest little boys I knew. Once your mind was made up, there was no stopping you. You didn't second guess yourself. You lived life for the moment."
"I was a child then Ray."
"It's not about being a child, babe. It's about believing in yourself, when did you stop trusting yourself?"
Kat didn't answer, but more tears came flowing out of her eyes. "When I became a woman I didn't like."
"And when was that?"
"When I said yes to Steve and turned my back on my commitment to Andrew. That's what I'm paying for Ray."
"That's not true, Kat," Ray whispered, kneeling in front of her. "You made a mistake, that's all. Losing the baby, that-- I can't begin to explain to you why that happened. But it wasn't your fault. It was that fucking idiot's fault for getting behing the wheel of that car when he was too drunk and too stoned to know any better. None of it was your fault. None of it will ever be your fault."
"But I lost..."
"No baby, you forget. All three of you lost. Steve and you lost a child and that child lost its life. But none of it was your fault. None of it."
Ray took Kat in his arms and held her tight as guilt, awful, tearing guilt, came pouring out of her in angry sobs.

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