Disclaimer: I own no one... but the twisted and demented idea is all mine.
Distribution: Flights.
Note: I just had to do this...
"Hello and welcome to a very special edition of the Maury Povich show. Today, we have a series of very impressive guests on the show and most of them are here just to have fun. But, as is the staple of the show, you're also in store for a couple of confrontations that will leave you smiling, that's for sure. So first and foremost, let's welcome our very first guest on the show, a WWF superstar known all over the world for his skill in the ring, on the silver screen, and strangely enough, for his eyebrow? Ladies and gentlemen, the People's Champion, the Rock."
And out came the Rock, sans sunglasses, grinning cockily, dressed in yummy black slacks and a clingy black top. He waved to his fans, winked at a goddess in a purple leather jacket, matching sarong skirt and a white halter top in the front row and shook Maury's hand before sitting down next to the host.
"Welcome to the show Rock, it's a pleasure to have you here."
"It's a definite pleasure to be here unless you try to introduce me to my old high school sweetheart."
"You afraid a fight might break out?"
"Nah, just afraid she might show some of my dorkier pictures."
"Dorky pictures of you? I doubt it. From the reaction you're getting, I'd say the ladies love you and the guys would die to look like you."
"Trust me, even I had bad hair days."
"I'm sure. But we have one lady backstage who simply won't believe that. Hell, as far as she's concerned, you're as close to God as a man can get."
"Well, Maury, I am the Great One, no doubt about that, but close to God, I am not, as my lovely girlfriend will testify."
"We have your girlfriend right here," Maury said, getting up and going to the front row to the lady in purple, "hello there."
"Hello Maury. Hi darling," she whispered, waving at the Rock.
"And who's this lovely young lady?" the host asked a grinning Rock.
"That's my girlfriend, fiancée, actually, her name is Kai."
"Fiancée, huh? Well, Kai, what do you think of people thinking of your fiancé as the next coming of God?"
"Rock's a great guy and I love him, so I'm biased, but the next coming of God? Give me a break. He's a man, puts his pants on one leg at the time. He is good but a god, he is not."
"No disillusions of grandeur then? I mean, he is a huge superstar."
"I know. But he is still a man."
"All right then, Rock, we're going to ask you to go backstage while we bring out this fan of yours, ok?"
"All right."
With a final wave to Kai, Rock went backstage.
"All right, let's bring out this fan."
When the woman appeared at the top of the small staircase, she was greeted by a shocked silence. The members of Maury's audience were, for once, shocked speechless. She was wearing a bona fide grass skirt with a coconut bra, her stringy black hair decorated by a crown of wilted flowers, a mangy plastic lei around her neck. She ran to Maury, barefeet and all and leapt into his surprised arms, pecking both of his cheeks.
"Oh my God Maury, I am sooooo happy to be here. I watch your show every day and I love you! You are so much cooler than Oprah and Sally. Your show really touches me you know? I mean, it talks so much about my life. I've suffered so much. When I was..."
And off the woman went, opening her life up to Maury and his audience. Five minutes into her long winded speech, Maury managed to stop her.
"All right, thank you, we understand you're a survivor. Now, let's talk about your fascination with the Great One."
"Oh my God, he is so fabulous. And wonderful and beautiful. I want to get down on my knees and suck his dick right off."
"Hey!" Kai shouted, getting up from her chair, "that's my..."
"He's going to father my children," the crazed fan said, ignoring Kai, "and he's going to fall in love with me and..."
"Yeah right."
"Excuse me, but do you have a problem?" the fan asked, turning to Kai, her hostile aura tinting the air around her with negativity.
"Me," Kai asked with a shrug. "No problem at all. How can I have a problem when I have your future husband's engagement ring on my finger?"
The crazy fan growled and leapt at Kai, claws out and was barely detained by a couple of security guards. Kai jumped back and Rock came out, ignoring his cue. When she saw him the fan immediately calmed down and started smoothing down her ridiculous grass skirt.
"You all right baby?" Rock asked, running a gentle finger down his fiancée's cheek.
"I'm fine," Kai said with a smile. "Anyhow, you have a fan that needs you."
Rock turned around and looked down at the fan, his eyes narrowing on as he took in her ridiculous outfit. But she was oblivious to that, fiddling with her skirt and rearranging her idiotic bra.
"Oh my God, Rocky Maiva, I am so honored to meet you. You are my idol. And my favorite wrestler ever. And you are so beautiful and I love you so much and..."
"Stop," he said, putting his hand in front of her face, effectively stopping the flow of words spewing from her mouth. "You think the Rock's going to be impressed by you? The Rock is impressed all right, by your outfit!"
"You like it? I prepared it specially for you, to remind you of home and everything..."
"Home? Where the hell do you think the Rock comes from?"
"Well, from Samoa..."
"Then why are you wearing a grass skirt?"
"Well, my friends call me the Hawaian Princess. Princess Johnson of Hawaii, kind of to remember you by and..."
"Remember me? Does the Rock come from Hawaii?"
"Well..."
"No, the Rock doesn't come from Hawaii! The Rock pisses on Hawaii and all its useless princesses! And the Rock pisses on you in your stupid get-up! You think you're a fan? You're not a fan! You're a loser! Look at you, in your dumb get-up, thinking you're going to impress me? The Rock is not impressed. The Rock is more impressed by people who stay true to themselves, to people who know what's real and what's not and by people who don't attack his fiancée."
"But... but..."
"Hush... Maury, take her away..."
With a nod to the security guards, the fan was taken away and the Rock returned to his seat with Maury.
"Wow," Maury said, "the effect you have on some people. How does that make you feel?"
"A bit sad. It's fine for people to enjoy our show and look up to us but every once in a while, it crosses the line into something scary and possibly dangerous. We just witnessed that."
"She was relatively harmless," Maury reasoned, "she was excited about meeting you."
"And she attacked my girlfriend."
"I see your point. All right, time for a commercial break. When we come back, the biggest Jeff Hardy and Chris Jericho comes face to face with her idols and finds out some really, really interesting things about her idols."