Stephanie! Can we Talk?
AN OPEN LETTER TO STEPHANIE MCMAHON
BY KRISTEN SPARKS
Stephanie, honey?
Gotta moment, girlfriend?
At first, I thought it was a "work." But after weeks and weeks of this outrageous behavior on RAW and Smackdown!, I can't help but think that it's true.
You've turned heel!
And not only have you turned into a "bad girl," you've become the dark side of your Daddy, Vince McMahon, the guy who made the WWF the great institution it is today, but who has also involved himself with some outrageous behavior and been a very tough boss indeed.
But as far as I know, he's never slept with one of your sworn enemies!
I mean, Stephanie! Triple H? Hunter Hearst Helmsley?
I mean, when that Providence, Rhode Island audience started yelling "Slut! Slut! Slut!" at you, I found my pretty voice joining that ugly chant.
Not only did you go ahead with a fraudulent wedding performed at a drive-in Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas while you were conked-out from a mickey fin Triple H had put in your drink, but you shamed your father in front of millions of viewers by telling Vince off and promising to stick by that marriage. I'm still a big foggy as to the reason you want to get back at him!
How could he be, to do what you did to Vince? Why he left you in charge of his company, I have no idea. Shame? Defeat? Depression? I hope that he's down on the south Mexican coast somewhere now, sipping a margarita and getting his blood pressure down. The World of Wrestling needs Vince. Lesser men might have kneeled over dead with what you've done to the poor man!
What happened, Steph? Was that kidnapping business last year that traumatic? When the British Bulldog pegged you on the noggin with that trash can, did you just lose your memory, but part of your brain? Really!
As a professional woman myself, I must admit I despaired for your playing the docile, helpless daughter of the Boss, bitchily betrothed to Test but otherwise bland and dull. But this swing--isn't it too much?
Yes! Yes! Head of the WWF? Terrific! Girl power! But calling it the Helmsley-McMahon era? And Stephanie! Honey! Each week you look cheesier! Each week you wear more an more tarty make up. Each week your bust seems more padded. Each week your hemline goes up!
What? Are you trying for the Britney Spears look? As though your fashion sense heading due south isn't enough, the way you lounge around with Hunter Hearst Helmsley, arguably the meanest, nastiest guy in the company, is, well, Steph....I have to say it but...disgusting! The guy who broke J.R.'s arm! The guy who laid your Dad out in a pool of his own blood. And now you're acting like one of the Godfather's Hos, wrapped around him tighter than his wrestling trunks!
Yeu-kkk!
I know you say the sex with him is great--but is he still slipping drugs into your juice? I mean, in a league of overblown obnoxious blow-hards, Hunter takes the cake!
Even a week or two, I thought this might be some kind of trick. Like maybe you were just playing along with HHH and DX so that Vince could get the upper hand on his chaos-loving villains. But since then you've not only joined the mayhem caused by Triple H and his cronies X-Pac, Road Dogg and Mr. Ass--you've helped to create it. Each show, whether its RAW or Smackdown, it seems like what you and Triple H come up with gets crazier. Matches where, if a wrestler loses, he gets fired? Come on! And it took a while, but Triple H finally got the championship back from the Big Show--after match after match of getting shots he wouldn't have without your help! Goodness, girl!
Not only that, but you've been mixing it up exactly where you don't belong. In and around the ring. You've passed so many steel chairs to Triple H to bash opponents with, you're beginning to look like a roadie!
And that time when that wrestler was going to finish off Dear Hubby by jumping from the turnbuckle and pounding him good--that time when you grabbed his ankle and pulled him down onto the rope so hard he almost became a eunuch....
This kind of behavior, Stephanie McMahon, does not become a young lady!
Now I realize that, as the daughter of wrestling kind, you probably didn't go to either finishing school or Bryn Mawr College bellowing all over the place probably wasn't exactly psychologically healthy. But Steph, honey--being an underhanded floozy is no way to behave. What kind of example is it to the young women of today? What sort of feminist statement does ticking out your chest and your butt and wriggling in a wrestler's lap make?
In fact, when you tried to trip up Mankind and he grabbed you by the ears--I hollered 'Get her, Mick!" Get her, along with the guys standing and cheering and spilling their beer.
Stephanie, you deserved it!
1. You liked hen-pecking Test so much, you wanted to do all the guys in the WWF.
Do you think that Stone Cold is going to put up with this kind of nonsense?
The Rock and the other superstars certainly didn't when they threatened to walk out, if you didn't reinstate Mick Foley! As the Great one might say, Steph, shut your mouth and know your role!
OK, OK. I must say that this particular stunt of yours put the capital E into "Sports Entertainment" sweetie. But pretty soon you're going to have to face the music.
In fact, I have the distinct feeling that by the time this article sees print, Triple H might be in jail...
And you, Stephanie?
Well, dearie. It looks like you're enjoying the spotlight soooo much, that you might actually get into some tights pretty soon and stack ducking it out with someone, with your fighting ability...
Howard Finkel, maybe?
I might not be able to watch.
But my guy buddies with the pizza and beer sure want to see that!
2. You spent a weekend at the Fabulous Moolah's charm school.
3. Your true goal is to seduce Sexual Chocolate Mark Henry.
4. You really work for MicroSoft. Bill Gates wants to get into the wrestling business.
You know, I can't see this kind of nonsense going on much longer, Stephanie. Pretty soon Daddy's going to come back and put his foot down...and if Daddy dawdles, Steph...What if Stone Cold Steve Austin's surgery works and he comes back?