london.

i’ve been to london..
ohh...
i’ve sailed a ship around the world.
i’ve counted angels..
ohh.
i’ve seen a tangerine girl..
and though it’s leading me on..
and though i know that it’s wrong..
and though i’m livin’ my dream..
i still can’t seem to move on...

i’ve swallowed aspirin..
ohh.
i’ve seen the white of my own eyes..
i’ve felt the hunger..
ohh.
i’ve swallowed handfuls of flies..
and though it’s leading me on..
and though i know that it’s wrong..
and though i’m living my dream..
i still can’t seem to move on...

i’ve watched the felines..
i’ve watched them scratch my skin away..
i’ve tripped the land mines..
ohh.
i’ve watched them blow my face away..
and though it’s leading me on..
and though i know that it’s wrong..
and though i’m living my dream...
i still can’t finish this song...

suicide.

Matt closed his eyes as he gripped the sheets tightly, rocking rhythmically atop of Jeff’s lap. He could feel Jeff’s thick cock stretching his walls, and although it kinda hurt--Matt took a sick pleasure in knowing his normally loving little brother would cause him some sort of pain. He smiled darkly as he recalled the shocked expression in his brother’s eyes when he rejected the benefit of using lubrication or any other method of preparation before they fucked.

Lately Matt had been feeling as if everything in his life was in shambles, except for his relationship with Jeff. Matt couldn’t understand why Jeff was so caring and understanding, and it began to make him depressed. Matt had to decipher and deal with the harsh realities of the outside world during the day, but at night, he had to somehow remember how to love. He began feeling as if Jeff was providing a false sort of protection, and whether he understood it or not, he was starting to have suicidal thoughts.

Matt could feel Jeff’s soft voice against his ear, whispering heated words of love and devotion as his baby brother ground his cock deep into his ass. Matt moaned and slid himself up and down on his brother’s cock, his head falling back as he felt Jeff throbbing inside of him, which always drove Matt crazy with pleasure. Jeff tapped his spot perfectly as his colorful nails dug into Matt’s waist, trying to hold his brother as close as possible.

Matt found himself panting out Jeff’s name, wanting this moment to be frozen in time forever. For the first time all day, Matt felt as if he was floating on Cloud Nine, and he really wasn’t prepared to snap out of the dreamworld just yet. The more Matt squirmed and bounced onto Jeff’s cock, the more tears built up in his eyes. He realized that his “safe haven” was about to be snatched away from him as soon as he came, which he attempted to hold out as long as possible.

Jeff nuzzled his cheek against Matt’s, his distinct chin resting over Matt’s broad shoulder as he rocked into him harder and harder. He gasped as he felt Matt’s warm fingers raking against his thighs, igniting his own hungry passion as he began to pump into him even harder. For a minute, Jeff could’ve sworn he heard Matt moan, “Don’t wanna come down..”, but maybe he was mistaken.

Jeff softly tongued Matt’s inner ear, lightly pulling at one of Matt’s earrings. He traced the outline of the small silver hoop with the tip of his tongue, hearing Matt’s small pleading whimpers. Jeff always had a slight fetish for piercings, but he would’ve never guessed that Matt would go out and get not only 3 holes in his ears, but 2 eyebrow piercings and his tongue.

As of a matter of fact, Jeff began to notice that his conservative older brother was beginning to become more and more unlike himself. He began observing that Matt no longer frowned upon the dark side of living, but began to embrace it. Jeff moaned softly, closing his eyes as he attempted to put these thoughts out of his mind and focus on pleasing his brother.

Matt nearly cried when Jeff’s hand slipped around his waist to take hold of his cock. He wanted this to last as long as possible, even if it hurt until he couldn’t bear it anymore. His beautiful dark eyes slipped closed as Jeff’s fingers teasingly skipped over his hardened shaft, his velvet curls falling down his back as his head fell back against Jeff‘s chest.

Jeff nearly fainted as he buried his nose against Matt’s hair, the sweet smell of his brother’s cologne mixed with citrus-scented shampoo filled his upturned nose. He closed his hand around Matt’s cock, stroking him in rhythm with his forceful thrusts. Jeff hadn’t remembered being so dominant, so rough, so...controlling. All he wanted to do was make Matt happy, but obviously his older brother had other plans that overshadowed his simple thoughts of making love.

Jeff thrust up into his brother’s warm tightness until he couldn’t take it anymore, exploding deep within his ass. Jeff shuddered, lowering his head to rest against Matt’s back, “My God..”, he breathed out, closing his eyes as he listened to Matt’s heartbeat.

Matt suddenly began to sob, biting his lip as he rode Jeff faster and harder, slamming himself against his brother as waves of intense pleasure rolled throughout his body. He shuddered violently as his head tilted up towards the ceiling, crying out his release as his eyes flew open. He gnawed at his lip viciously, a trickle of blood running down his chin as he chanted Jeff’s name, letting his little brother’s name roll off his tongue more times than he realized.

Jeff continued to let his hand slip up and down on Matt’s cock, stifling a moan when he felt his brother trembling and spasming in his arms. He pumped every last bit of cum from his brother’s cock, delighted as he felt his cum dribble over the back of his hand. Jeff gasped as Matt lifted his hand to his mouth, smearing the blood from his lip onto his fingers. He could feel Matt’s tongue lapping up the cum from his fingers, the tiny little ball on the surface of his brother’s tongue sliding between every inch of his hand.

Matt suddenly slipped off his brother’s lap, groaning as he felt Jeff’s cock leave his body. That was all, it was over. Matt came down from his high faster than he thought he would, and for some odd reason he felt as if his heart was shattered. He cried and curled up against the sheets, tears streaking down his cheeks as he wrapped his arm around the pillow, closing his eyes at what he saw.

His arms had scars all over them, some small, some fairly large. He had been cutting himself for the past 7 months, but somehow as much of a rush as he felt when he did it, it didn’t last long. Of course Jeff didn’t know about it, no one did really. He wore long-sleeved shirts to hide the evidence, sometimes claiming that he accidentally cut himself while cooking. He sobbed quietly, sniffling up wet tears as he could almost imagine the frown on Jeff’s face.

Jeff sighed, sadly looking over at his brother. He hung his head pitifully, wondering what he’d done to upset Matt like this. It happened almost every night, but for some reason, tonight was the worst out of them all. Electric blue and maroonish-purple strands of hair shadowed his hurt emerald eyes as he listened to his brother cry.

Jeff shut his eyes, allowing beads of silken tears to trail down his face. He wanted to help him, to hold him in his arms as he used to do so many times in the past. The world had been unusually cruel to his older brother, that he didn’t deny. From their mother’s death to repeated rejection in the wrestling business, Matt’s life was one big tragedy.

Jeff recalled the day when he walked into Vince’s office, only to hear the middle-aged man degrading Matt and telling him how he would have nothing if it wasn’t for him. Jeff could hear Matt open his mouth to speak, but Vince silenced him with a simple threat, “You’re living your dream, Matt...don’t make me snatch it away from you, now get the fuck out of my office..”

Jeff looked down at the white sheets, saddened by his brother’s pain. White. Innocence. Purity. Jeff shook his head, what would he do without Matt? Nevermind that, what would he be without Matt?? He wanted to reach over and wrap his arms around his brother and hold him until he felt loved. Not that Jeff hadn’t been showing love all along, in fact, Jeff always let Matt know that he was the only one for him. It had been that way ever since they were kids.

Jeff sighed, giving his brother one last glance before lying back onto the mattress. He rolled over to face Matt’s back, smiling lightly at the small freckles covering the upper half of his body. How he longed to run his hands over Matt and cuddle in his arms, but he knew the luxury was only allowed when they fucked. Jeff frowned a bit. Fucked. He never really liked that word when it came to matters of the heart, especially someone as important as Matt. Jeff just sighed, pretending to sleep, but deep down, he knew his thoughts were elsewhere.

Matt sniffled, all of his goals were already accomplished. He finally made it to the World Wrestling Federation, only to discover that it was something he didn’t want anymore. He crossed all the barriers in his life already, and now that he thought about it, there was nothing else to achieve.

Matt wanted more than just dreams and fairytales, he wanted something unique. His soul craved for something more special than love, and even more powerful than money or wealth. He wanted something that everyone had the chance to receive but a mere few could dare to achieve. He wanted something simple. Death.

The more he thought about it, the worse he felt. His heart felt so empty, so desireless. Matt sighed and rolled over in bed to face Jeff, knowing he was asleep by now. Matt carefully lifted his brother’s hand to his mouth, battling himself on the inside. Jeff would never forgive him for this, but Matt knew what he had to do. He hesitated for a minute, trembling as he kissed Jeff’s fingertips softly, letting his lips linger for a few moments. Matt’s eyes perused over his brother’s sleeping form, a soft gaze he could only reserve for Jeff.

He wondered if Jeff’s eyes would sparkle when he was gone. Would the color and depth of his baby brother’s personality remain untouched, or would he suddenly turn shallow and dark? Matt closed his eyes, his long, beautiful eyelashes tenderly touching the slightly hollow crevice underneath his eye. He leaned over and rested his forehead against Jeff’s, trying to allow himself to feel once more.

Matt silently dared himself to give, to take, to believe. Yes, he loved Jeff more than anything in the world, and technically--he was supposed to be happy. Matt almost smiled. Happiness. How could he be so happy when no one could understand his pain? There were times when he wished life had been better for himself, but mostly for Jeff. he had fought all his life to protect his brother, but lately he felt like he could just give it all up. Matt suddenly got up out of bed, the dull sound of his feet slapping against the floor ringing in his ears.

Jeff resisted the urge to cry when he felt Matt‘s familiar warmth disappear, nearly shaking as he held his tears inside. With Matt’s face so close to his, he felt as if Matt was trying to tell him something. Maybe something had gone wrong with them, but whatever it was, Jeff was willing to make it right.

He almost hated himself for not being strong enough for Matt. Was that it? Was he too weak for his own brother? Jeff breathed deeply, his voice broken as he cried to himself. The single wet tear that escaped from his eyes fell to the sheets, quickly absorbed by the cotton linen.

Matt stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. He wasn’t the same person he saw last year. His eyes looked tired and defeated, lacking their usual gleam of hope. His face was slimmer as well, considering he didn’t eat all that much anymore. His lips were chapped and dry, but still full and plump. He hung his head as he rested his hands against the sink, supporting his weight.

His eyes flickered over to a razor lying innocently on the marble vanity. He pondered for a moment, reaching over to take the thin metal rectangle into his hand. Matt twirled the sharp weapon against his fingers, his eyes lighting up in fascination as he watched it spin.

Matt held out his left wrist, eyeing his skin curiously as he continued to absently twirl the razor on his fingers. Matt seriously contemplated slitting his own wrists, suddenly wracked with tears as he began to press the metal edge just under his palm, ready to slowly drag it across the skin.

Matt held his breath as he deeply pushed the pointed perimeter of the razor into his wrist, clenching his teeth as he painfully cut until he could barely see the razor. He bit at his bloody lip as he repeated the same action on the other wrist, trembling as blood gushed out of his wounds. He gasped as he heard Jeff’s moan from the other room, startling him immediately.

“I love you, Matt...”, Jeff sobbed out softly, his voice filled with hope and everlasting love. He sighed and buried his face in his hands, praying to God that Matt heard him. Matt closed his eyes miserably, letting the stained razor fall to the tiles below. He could feel blood seeping through the profound cuts on his wrists, and while it surprised him, it also made him realize that maybe he didn‘t have anything to live for. Matt looked into the mirror once more, staring deeply at his own reflection. His chocolate eyes melted as he listened to Jeff’s pleading cry, his little brother’s broken sobs splintering his heart.

He shook his head, not even bothering to conceal his arms as he walked out of the bathroom, shutting the light off behind him. He crawled back into bed with Jeff, this time wrapping his arms around his brother and holding him close to his heart. Matt winced as he smeared the blood from his wrists all over Jeff’s back, shaking as he began to sob. Jeff looked up into his eyes curiously, blinking in disbelief as he felt the wetness dripping down his body.

“Matt?”, Jeff swallowed nervously, pulling away to stare down at his brother’s palms, which were covered in thick, scarlet-colored blood.

Jeff hung his head, trembling with fear as he felt Matt’s dark eyes burning a gaping hole into him. His heart was gone. Forever. Suddenly, Jeff tilted his head up towards his brother, carefully taking his wrists and lifting them to his mouth.

Jeff flinched at the taste of Matt’s coppery blood. He gingerly licked the deep wound, tracing his tongue along the outer rim of the cut. This was his last taste of everything that was his older brother, and for some reason, it filled him with a sense of protectiveness. Jeff let Matt’s wrists fall from his mouth, licking the remnants of the plasma from his pink lips. He knew Matt was gone, and in a way, Jeff was too.

Matt looked down into Jeff’s eyes, staring into his gaze for as long as he could. Jeff reached underneath the blood-soaked sheets to hold Matt‘s hand, lacing his fingers with his. The cloth was no longer white but a bright red. A dirty crimson. Jeff sighed softly, resting his forehead against Matt’s until he fell asleep, seemingly void and empty.

Matt silently said a special prayer, resting in Jeff’s arms as let out a deep sigh, “I’m sorry....” , Matt let a tear fall from his eye as he squeezed Jeff’s hand assuringly. Matt’s shallow breathing soon began to slow, remorsefully letting his eyelids slip closed as he gave in to death. As Matt took his last breath, he only had one last simple thought..

Dreams? Fuck dreams...

the end..