thinking of you.

Tell me mama is your life a better change..
And tell me mama Would you live your life the same..
Or come back and rearrange? Tell me mama how is freedom..
.

Oh I'm thinking of you..
And all the things that you wanted me to be..
And I'm trying now..
Oh I'm thinking of you..
And all the things that you wanted me to be..
.

Tell me mama..
Are the colors deeper shades..
And tell me mama..
Are there great big brass parades? Does the sun shine night and day..
Tell me mama no more sleeping Tell me mama no more weeping..

I'm thinking of you..
. And all the things that you wanted me to be..
And I'm trying now..

Tell me mama is it just the way they say..
Tell me mama And tell me mama are you missing me the way..
That I'm missing you today? Tell me mama can you hear me?

Oh I'm thinking of you..
And all the things that you wanted me to be And I'm trying now..

Oh I'm thinking of you..
Thinking of you..
.

Matt strolled the streets aimlessly, his heart filled with a deep emptiness, a heart-filled longing. His dark eyes were filled with tears, straining down at the gritty pavement. It was raining, but he didn't care enough to bring an umbrella, or even a jacket. The heavy downpour soaked his hair, making it slightly curlier than normal. When the car horns blared at him, he just looked up quietly and kept walking. He had no idea where he was going, just content with focusing on his thoughts as he walked through the streets.

Today was the anniversary of his mother's death, the same day 15 years ago when a piece of his heart had flown away to Heaven. He recalled how hard it had been for him to cope with her death, but somehow they all managed to move on through each other.

Matt remembered all the times when him and Jeff had fallen asleep in each other's arms from crying themselves to exhaustion. Matt was always a quiet child, but her death had somehow made him even more withdrawn. Jeff was always there to take care of him when he became depressed, his baby brother constantly there to listen or offer a little hope. Jeff called Matt his soulmate, faithfully telling him that they were two very special halves of a whole. Matt and his brother became even closer throughout the whole experience, and for that he loved Jeff even more.

Matt sighed and blinked back tears threatening to fall, knowing they would only be replaced by others. He had missed Mama so much that it hurt. He remembered visiting her in the hospital on the fateful day of her death. She had told him to protect Jeff and make sure that he was always loved and taken care of. She held Matt's hand, giving him the warmest smile she could as she told him that she loved him and would be watching over him and Jeff. Matt kissed her on the cheek and squeezed her hand before leaving the room in tears. A few minutes later she was gone forever.

Matt suddenly looked up as a car drove by, the tires spewing up a splash of water. He kept walking for hours until he came upon a familiar cemetery. Matt blinked in surprise. He hadn't remembered the cemetery being this close to his father's house. He walked up to the black iron gates, wrapping his fingers around the rusted metal before giving it a light push. The gates swung open slowly, clanging and squeaking as they revealed the cemetery.

Matt walked through the metal gates timidly, his leather boots sinking into the mud at each step. He pushed the hair out of his face, his dark chocolate eyes sad and wounded. As soon as he reached her gravestone, he sank to his knees, his eyes slipping closed. He hung his head as he began sobbing uncontrollably, his wet tears trailing down his flushed cheeks. He sat and prayed, prayed for her, for him and Jeff, for his father. He wondered if she could hear his prayer, because he knew deep down he could hear her voice calling out to him.

He opened his eyes slowly, reaching out to touch her gravestone. His fingertips lightly traced the inscription on the cold marble slab, running his index finger over the two words that meant the most to him.

Loving Mother.

Matt bowed his head solemnly, how could two words sum up his mother's entire personality? She was caring, funny, beautiful, attentitive, she was everything a mother could be. He let a tear run down his cheek, the wet droplet falling onto the damp soil of her grave. He wondered if she was listening, if she could feel his pain, his anger, his hope.

He wanted just one more day with her, one more day to tell her how much she meant to the whole family. How he had used her words of encouragement to look past the injustices that had plagued him all his life. He wanted her to know how he and Jeff had made it to the World Wrestling Federation with a trampoline and a simple dream. He sincerely wished to hear her voice congratulating him for all he'd done and accomplished. He smiled bitterly, his dark curls shadowing his longing expression. His gloomy eyes glinted with love, admiration, and sadness all at the same time.

Matt listened to the faint pitter-patter of the rain falling on her gravestone, absently watching tiny pools of water sliding down the smooth greenish-gray marble. He smiled mournfully, remembering what Jeff had said about times like these. "Look to the sky and open your heart, you can almost see Mama smiling in the clouds". Matt raised his eyes from her gravestone, closing his eyelids as he breathed in the smell of the Earth and the fresh rain. With a silent prayer, Matt opened his eyes slowly, opening his mouth as he allowed the rain to dribble down his face.

He gasped as he watched a floating cloud, dark and heavy, almost reflecting how he felt right now. He swore he could see Mama smiling down at him, and he held open his arms as if embracing her. A cool breeze picked up, brushing against his left hand and swirling against the palm of his hand before disappearing as soon as it came. Matt breathed deeply as he felt his heart lighten little by little, willingly opening his soul to the Heavens above.

He could feel her comforting arms wrapped around him, and he soon began to sob, snuggling up to the winds as they blew around him. The trees that surrounded the cemetery swayed lightly, their green leaves whispering to him. Matt listened quietly as the branches rustled, their soft sound loud in his ears. He heard her telling him how proud she was of him and how much she loved him, and how she'd been watching out for him and Jeff. He whispered back just as softly, a bit timid of his own feelings.

"I love you too, Mama..", Matt sniffled quietly, "Please come back, I miss you so much.."

Matt sensitively cried out his emotions, knowing that somehow she could hear him too. He held onto her for as long as he could until her spirit blew away, leaving him with his tears and deeply embedded faith. He swallowed the rain that fell into his mouth, or 'tears from Heaven' as Jeff called it. Matt smiled lightly at the thought, letting his eyes fall once more to his mother's grave. His eyes took in the narrow plot of land, letting his fingertips drag in the muddy soil.

He leaned over and carefully wrapped his arms around her gravestone, hugging the unique slab close to his heart. Matt trembled as he felt one last gust of air whisk through the graveyard, full of memories with his mother. He saw her playing with him as a child in the front yard, her vivrant yellow sundress blowing in the wind as she helped him pick flowers out of her garden. Matt picking her a bright sunflower, smiling at how much her pretty green eyes lit up when he gave it to her. Matt wept against the gravestone, resting his cheek against the top of the marble slab.

Matt could still smell the scent of her perfume when he closed his eyes, it was as if she was standing right there with him. And in a way she was, for she was forever in his memory and his heart.

Matt inhaled sharply as he looked up to see Jeff standing next to him, his green eyes filled with tears. He bent down to kneel next to Matt, gently smoothing his older brother’s tangled curls away from his face. Jeff smiled lightly as Matt‘s eyes met his, leaning over to softly kiss his big brother’s eyelashes. Matt smiled genuinely as Jeff buried his nose against the back of his shirt, cuddling up to his older brother.

"I came to see you and bring Mama some flowers....", Jeff sniffled against Matt’s back, closing his eyes with a sigh. Matt reveled in the feeling of Jeff’s body pressed against his, the electricity of being with Jeff at Mama’s grave made his stomach flutter. They remained in silence for a few moments, enjoying the quiet peace between the two of them.

Finally, Matt turned his head to speak softly, "I talked to Mama and told her how much we miss her....", Matt sighed and let his sight linger on Jeff for a moment longer.

Jeff lifted his head slightly, his lips pursed into a small smile, "I know..
.I was watching...."

Matt laughed softly, his gaze melting as he looked back into Jeff’s eyes. He still saw the same innocence and hopeful perserverance he saw since they were kids. Of all the things in his life, Jeff had always remained the same loving person as he had been since he was born. The more Matt stared into Jeff’s eyes, the more he realized how much he loved him, and how crucial his relationship with Jeff was. In those emerald eyes, he saw beauty, honesty, and unconditional love. Matt suddenly knew exactly what he saw in Jeff...their mother.

Matt slowly pulled away from the gravestone to wrap his arms around Jeff, holding his brother close. He heard the soft rumble of thunder in the distance as the rain began to let up, the dark clouds rolling away. Matt held Jeff for as long as he could, resting his chin in the small nook where his neck and shoulders met. Matt smiled through his vanishing tears, burying his nose in his brother’s fragrant hair. He even smelled like Mama, as sweet and fragrant as a ripe peach. Matt chuckled quietly, as Southern as his similies were, they always seemed to describe Jeff perfectly.

Jeff pulled away with a smile, gently handing Matt one of the fresh sunflowers he picked. Matt twirled the thick stem between his fingers as he leaned down to take a whiff of its fragrance. He closed his eyes and placed a soft kiss one of its wide petals, carefully placing the flower at Mama’s headstone. Jeff smiled at his brother, gingerly lying the remaining of the flowers next to Matt’s.

Matt looked up at the sky as fluffy white clouds began to roll in, taking the place of the gray rainclouds. The raindrops were replaced with bright sunrays, the healthy light from the sun refracting in the trees. Matt’s tears soon dried up as well, and he began to feel truly blessed. He turned to look at Jeff’s face, his color-filled cheeks, familiar upturned nose, his proud smile, and those gorgeous jade eyes of his that Matt could see Mama in. Matt smiled, thankful for moments like this above all others. Jeff really was his soulmate in more ways than one, for Matt knew that what he lost with his mother, he found with Jeff. Matt didn’t know if his feelings for his brother were sane or even morally decent, but somehow he knew that he was in love with Jeff.

When Mama said to protect Jeff, how did she know that Matt would do everything in his power to do just that? Did Mama know that Matt would sacrifice everything he had just to make Jeff happy? Matt stared thoughtfully into Jeff’s eyes, smiling as he realized the answer. Mama had known all along..

"Thank you, Mama.. For everything.." Matt whispered gratefully as he softly kissed her gravestone, resting his forehead against the cool stone as Jeff reached over to entwine his fingers with Matt’s. As Matt lifted his face, Jeff gently curled his fingers under his older brother’s chin, planting a soft, lingering kiss on his lips. Matt gasped, closing his eyes as he let himself melt into the embrace. Jeff slowly broke the kiss, tenderly brushing his lips against Matt’s as he stared up into his loving gaze.

"I love you too, Matt.." Jeff smiled knowingly, his eyes sparkling as he threw his arms around Matt’s neck, holding him close. Matt smiled and wrapped his arms around Jeff’s waist, holding him as if there was no tomorrow. A new set of tears filled Matt’s soft brown eyes as he cuddled with his brother. He knew he would always keep his promise to Mama for as long as he lived. As he stroked Jeff’s hair, he could feel their hearts beating in perfect rhythm, creating the sweetest beat he could ever hear. Matt buried his nose in his baby brother’s hair, slowly losing himself in a whirlwind of emotions.

As the birds began to tweet in the trees, their beautiful songs were swept up in the soft winds, traveling straight to Heaven. Matt smiled up at the blue sky, winking at a cloud passing by. Matt wondered just what Mama was doing at that very moment, but he knew that whatever it was, she was happy. He knew she was thinking of them always, just as they are thinking of her..

the end.