Can't Have
I watched him, he just got done fighting one hell of a ladder match that even I had to hand it to him. I watched him from the door where he couldn't see me, but I saw every bit of him. I noticed the small cuts on is face from the steel ladder being ran into him. I noticed his black and blue shoulder from the falls he took from the top of the ladder unto the hard mat. I saw his swolen knee, and how it was discolored from not having any time to heal. He was a mess, but still beautiful to me. Yeah still beautiful to me.... Even though he's hurt me a dosen times, I still would crawl back to him and lick his wounds. I made myself sick. When we were together, now, I mean really together, not just a fuck, he cared about me. He'd curl up with me in the middle of the night and play with my chest hairs, and I'd run my fingers through his long hair. "I love you..." he would whisper in the middle of the night. and I knew everything in the world was ok because I was his, and he was mine. But then it happened. He started coming into the hotel room late... drunk, with hickeys all over his body. Our amazing sex life became none existant, because of someone else. I knew for a long time before he got the balls to actually tell me the truth, but I guess I was in some sort of denial. I didn't want to believe he could love someone else, hold someone else, care about someone else. I guess I'm just the type of person that only sees what they want to see. And thats because of him. He's like that. Doesn't live with what happened or what's going to happen, and only cares about this instant. I guess before him, I was the type of person who did live day by day.... but him... no. He lives more second by second. He just goes. Does things with out even thinking. Maybe I'm just making excuses for him again. I figure, if he wasn't thinking about cheating on me... then I guess it just happened, and then it's not really his fault so there for I can forgive him. Which brings me back to now. All the shit he's put me through and I still stand here watching him in pain wanting to hold him more then ever. Is it obsession? infatuation???? or can it be the real thing? am I in love? how will I ever know. Does it matter if I do know? If I knew what would that do? I love him.... and he found a women. Makes me sick. He'll never again want what I had to offer him. So in the midst of my radom thoughts and analyzations, he turns around. "Chris? What are you doing in here?" He questioned moving his multi colored hair away from his face. I was dumbstruck, what was i suppose to say to him.
"I... ummm... I saw the match, and wanted to make sure you were ok. Is that alright?" I asked honestly. "Well, under the circumstances, I guess, I'm ok." He answered back crossing his arms to his chest. "Jeff?" "Chris?" We said almost simultaneously. "Go ahead." I said eager to know what he wanted to say. "No you first." He stated staring right at me. His stare was so intense. When his eyes were on me I felt as if they could burn right through my skin and grab my soul. "I miss you." I stated, not believing I even had the guts to spit that out. But now... What was he gonna say? What would he say back to that. Surely he hadn't missed me. So many times I ve said 'hey' in the hallways of so many different arenas and not even a glance back I would recieve from him. He took a breath... was he going to scream and yell at me to get out of his locker room, and get out of his face... or maybe I would get lucky, and he would just quietly politely ask me to leave. I waited for a response, and then he just looked up at me and simply smiled. You all know exactly what I'm talking about. That Jeff Hardy smile. The one that makes you heart beat just a little bit faster. The one that makes you feel your face get hot as you start to blush. The one that makes your heart melt, and want to wrap your arms around. "Thanks Chris. I miss ya to man." He said turning aound and shuffling through his locker taking out a t shirt. He turned back towards me, "Good match? huh?" He asked proud of himself.. I shook my head yes. "I wanna go out and celebrate. You got any plans tonight?" He asked me completley sure of himself, knowing full well that if I did have any plans they were just cancelled. "Nah, I'm not doing anything." "ok, good, I'll catch ya in a few?" He said smiling and looking down at his feet. "yeah." I said turning around and walking out. " ~SMACK~ " He took his t shirt and smacked me on the ass. I turned around. "Lock the door on the way out." He said going back to his locker. I smiled and walked out. I sat outside the arena waiting for Jeff. I thought about all the possiblities of this night. Maybe this was my chance to work things out with him. Maybe tonight was the night I could make him remember how good it felt to be an us... Jeff and I were meant for each other. And it's not that he didn't relize we were meant for each other, he just forgotten. "Ready to go?" He said hitting me on the back. He walked quickly to his car, I slugged behind him noticing everything about him, the way his wet hair fell onto is leather jacket. I noticed the fast pace in his walk, and his legs in his red and balck zebra printed pants. I laughed to myself remember a pair of boxers he wore once that resembled the red zebra prints. "What's so funny?" He asked. "Nothing." I answered shaking my head and still giggling. "Maybe I don't wanna know." He said sliding into his car. I got into the passanger seat. He turned the radio on as we turned out of the arena parking lot and on to the highway. He didn't say much. He sang along with the radio, and concentrated on driving, but not so much concentrating on speed. He didn't even open is mouth about where we were going. I watched the wind blow dry his hair, he was so calm, I watched him and I felt it in my stomach at that moment. It hit me hard just then. I'm in love him.
He pulled into a small diner, "Hungry?" he asked, "I could eat." I answered. He was so the party type. He loved attention. You could tell just by watching him wrestle, always trying to steal the show. I guess he had enough attention for one night, he definatley stole the show. So we went into the small diner. I was happy to be able to sit and have dinner with him. We walked in "Table or booth?" The hostess asked. Jeff scanned the diner, "ummm... I'm actually meeting someone here....." he said. 'WHAT?!' i thought. "Ah, there she is, Jeff said.
"Hey Jeff!" a dark brown haired women said jumping up from a booth and running towards him. She pressed her lips against Jeff's. They sat there sucking face for about 57 seconds, until I couldn't stand it any longer and let out a grunt... "Oh sorry, Lauren, This is Chris, Chris, This is Lauren." I was absolutley discusted. How could he do this, and not even ask me if i felt comfortable. Or at least have enough class to give me a bit of a warning. It pissed me off every night when I would sit alone in my hotel room late at night, It would piss me off everytime I would wake up alone in my bed. It pissed me off everytime I took a shower by myself, that he was with another person, a women. That he was over me and had found someone else. And It hurt all those times, and places that I was alone, and now here I was, having to deal with it right in my face. Conceited bastard. I was sooo hurt and so upset... but yet again, there it was. He could get away with anything. I loved that much to let him continuely to hurt me, and what for? It's not like I was getting anything out of, just more nights alone, and lots of tears. I guess all I got was the chance to be with him, even if it was hard for me, it would be harder to stay away. So we sat and spoke and had dinner. She didn't know about me. She seemed way to comfortable to know that her boyfriend was my lover. "Ok strangest place you've ever had sex?" Lauren asked. The conversation at this point just began to get interesting. "Ummm... let's see...." Jeff said looking up at the ceiling and thinking. "On McMahon's desk." He stated still looking at the cieling, I felt his foot brush against mine under the table. "Jeff, are you serious?!" We're gonna have to try that,"she said giggling. "How bout you Chris?" She asked me. I thought for a moment, and remembered the time Jeff and I were driving from one city to another, long drive, we both just got really horny, so Jeff pulls off to the side of the road and pushes me against the hood of his car, and we just did it right there. "Umm, against the hood of a car." I said kicking Jeff playfully back. "Oh no way!" Lauren said, "There was this one time Jeff and I were driving, and You know him, all spontaneaous, pulls off to the side of the road, and..." Jeff cuts her off, "And we dont need to get into all the details." I didn't know what to do. So I just got up and walked out of the diner. Went to the parking lot, kicking the rocks on the ground into the street. As much as I tried to suck it up, I was falling apart. I leaned against Jeff's car and cried my eyes out. I'm not sure how log I was there till Jeff, came to check on me. "Thanks Chris." He said, "Please don't you get all sarcastic on me" I said through my sobs. "I wasn't being sarcastic, Thank you." I looked up at him, "What for?" I questioned. "For caring about me so much Chris, No one eer cared about me the way you do. And although you may not think it, I really do appriciate it." 'he appriciates it? He's fucking thankful. Fuck Him! I give him my heart and the best he can give me is a thank you? It was all boiling up, I couldn't take it anymore, Why was it that he just couldn't crack, break down, and allow all the feelings he once had to flood back. I knew there was a piece of his heart left for me somewhere in there, but how was I suppose to help him find it. I work out all our problems till they day I stopped breathing but unfortunaly thats not how it works. It takes two people to work things out, and That really just kinda sucks for me. I knew that the fact was he didn't want to be with me, and I understood that, but I was not willing to except it. Jeff sat down next to me. He leaned his head on my shoulder. Sometimes I felt he did this just to test me. Just this, to me, was such a tease. We sat there in silence almost whole night, just holding each other, He drove me to my hotel a few hours before dawn. He hugged me and even kissed me on the cheek when he left. "Good night Jeff." I said. That night, I said Good night but I meant Good bye. Because I knew in my heart I loved him, just like I knew in my heart that it was over. And as much as I thought it could work, without his particiaption i fixing things between us, things would never be how they were, I learned a lot from Jeff Hardy. Fear is only a four letter word.... The xtreme always makes an impression, and......... When you love someone, sometimes you've got to let them go.
Email: alluringeyez@webtv.net
