I had to laugh when he told me...I'd had boyfriends with the same "problem" and they'd given me all sorts of excuses...
"It just makes me want you more!"
"It inspires me to try new things!"
"It gives me hope for our relationship...see, maybe you can be like HER one day!" Okay, so the relationship with that one had ended VERY shortly after he said that.
But "It calms me down...gets me focused!"? No. I'd never heard that one before. He'd finally spit out the reason why he did it and he gave me that stupid answer? It didn't make any sense to me.
See, he would always watch tapes of his opponent before he went out for a match...THAT made perfect sense. He'd been doing that since he first came to the WWF. He wanted to impress the head honchos by being a "student of the game", so to speak. And that was cool. I had no problem with that.
However, one day, somebody decided it would be funny to take his match tape and replace it with a porno. Yes, a stupid, pointless, plotless porno. Can you tell how I feel about those? All righty then. So anyway, they switched his match tape with something that would make a sailor blush and once he got over the initial shock of it, what did he do? He sat there and watched the whole damn thing! Okay...I know. He's a guy. And guys like porn. So I shouldn't have gotten so upset, right? Well, that's not really how I saw it.
He went out for his match afterwards and claimed he was amazingly focused. At first he thought maybe it was a coincidence, so before his next match, he decided to forego the match tape and go right for that porno. Sure enough, he was feeling very good about himself when he went out for his match. After that, his pre-match ritual was changed...he didn't need to study his opponent anymore. Nope...but he DID need to study "Debbie Does Dallas". And it was okay...I didn't know about it, so it was all good for him. Until that one day that I started suspecting things...
I had finished working on his new ring attire, making some alterations to it, and I wanted to bring it to him. Okay, so I wanted to help him put it on. Well! Being a costume designer, no, I didn't usually make it a point to personally fit *everybody*, but he was my boyfriend, so he was the exception to the rule. I knocked on the door and heard a loud crash in the room. Puzzled, I asked, "Hon, are you in there?"
"Uhhh...uhh...yeah! Just give me a second!"
Okay, whatever. I stood outside the door and waited.
"Okay, come in!" he said a few seconds later. I walked in the room, where he greeted me with a big smile. "Hey baby...did you get my outfit done?"
"Yes I did," I said, waltzing over to him and sitting on his lap. "Want me to help you try it on?"
"I would LOVE that," he grinned as I turned to face him, putting one leg on each side of him.
I laughed. "I knew you'd say that," I said, scooting up closer to him. My smile quickly turned into a look of surprise. Hmm...well, *somebody* was just a little excited, I could feel it. "Uhhh, what have you been doing?" I asked. I only asked this because in all the time I'd been with him, it always took him a long time to, uhm, reach that state, and also a long time for everything to go back to normal, so he couldn't have gotten that way since I had come into the room.
"What?" he asked innocently. "I was just watching a match tape!"
I turned my head towards the TV, where a match between Raven and Perry Saturn, his opponent for the evening, was playing. "Uhh...hon, if you were getting off on THAT, I think we need to have a serious chat with each other."
"No! I am NOT getting off on that! Why would you say that?"
Ha...like he didn't know. I didn't really like it when he played dumb with me. "Uhh, maybe you don't notice these kind of things because you're used to them, but sweetie, you have some MAJORLY happy pants goin' on."
"Oh..." He looked down and I saw him blush. "I guess I do. But it's NOT because of that tape, I swear it."
"Uh-huh..." I wasn't sure what to think..frankly, I thought this whole thing was kinda weird.
"I'm telling the truth! Look, I'm not a doctor, so I can't explain it, but it just happens sometimes, nothing I can do about it!"
Just happens sometimes...for no reason? I wasn't buying that, but I let it go. Everything went along just peachy keen until the day I caught him with his pants down...no, really.
I was going in to give him something...it was a really busy day for me and I was rushing, so therefore I wasn't thinking. I didn't even think of knocking before I opened the door...so when I opened it, I dropped all the outfits I was holding. "Terry Gerin! What in the HELL are you doing?!?" I blurted out.
He just looked at me for a second, slack-jawed. Then he looked down at his hand and dropped what he was doing...well, let go of it...it didn't really *drop*. "Uhhh..." He KNEW he couldn't make up an excuse for that.
Okay, so really, I shouldn't have been so shocked about that, because it was perfectly natural. It would've been cool if he'd been doing it because he was thinking about me, but no...I looked at the TV and there it was...that cursed porn.
"What is THIS?" I asked, pointing at the TV. Okay, so I knew what it was, but I wanted to hear what he had to say.
"Uhh...it's a movie," he said, his voice cracking a little. He stood up, pulled his pants back up and stopped the tape in the VCR before he sat back down in the chair, looking down at the floor.
"Yeah, I saw that...that's hardly a match tape! Why in the heck are you watching that?" I know...asking a dude why he's watching porn is a retarded question. Kinda like asking a five-year-old whether he'd like to read "The Cat In The Hat" or "War and Peace". The answer is obvious.
"I was getting ready for my match!"
"With porn?!?" That sure made no sense.
"Yes! Look, this might sound like bullshit, but it's true...it calms me down...gets me focused!"
I tried not to burst out laughing and the ridiculousness of that comment. "How in the world does it do THAT?"
"I dunno...it just does, though!"
"Well," I frowned, "could you maybe find something else to get you focused?"
"Why? This works, so why should I do anything differently?"
He didn't get it, how it made me feel. "Because I am just NOT cool with you watching that crap! It mean, what? I'm not good enough for you so you have to supplement what I give you with that?"
He let out a sigh. "Katie, no...it's nothing like that! Think about it...do we not fuck like bunnies every single night?" He gave me a grin when he said that.
I cracked a smile myself..yeah, we did. "Yeah, we do."
"Believe me, you are PLENTY good enough for me. This isn't for my pleasure, I swear...it just relaxes me. It's nothing against you, honest."
Damnit...he was giving me that LOOK...the look that said "I look like a big scary guy, but I'm just a teddy bear...hug me, damnit!" When he gave me that look, he could get away with anything...even watching porn.
So I let it slide...after all, our relationship was going great...and he wasn't making mistakes in the ring. I still didnt' like it, though...and I wished he would stop watching it. "Maybe it's a phase..." I thought. Maybe he'll grow out of it." Well, it wasn't exactly like that...but the outcome of the whole situation would turn out to be funny...well, for me anyway.
**End Part 1**
As I said, things were going okay...but Terry was still watching that porn. Oh well. I suppose it wasn't hurting anybody...well, not yet anyway.
"Damnit," he muttered, looking angry as he came backstage after a match. He just walked past me, said nothing, and headed to the locker room. Geez, what was up his butt? I abandoned my duties and jogged down to the locker room, knocking on the door. "Come in," he said.
I walked into the room and he was in there alone, sulking in the corner. I pulled a chair up next to him and sat down. "What's wrong?"
"It's not working anymore!" he said.
Not working anymore? "Oh, hon, just because it wasn't as good last night as it usually is, that doesn't mean something's wrong with you! I'm sure it won't happen again," I assured him.
He gave me a puzzled look. "What? I was talking about my videos!"
Whoops. "Oh," I said sheepishly. "Then, forget I said anything."
"Yeah...sure." He frowned at me and shook his head. "Seriously...I could hardly focus out there. I had about five million thoughts running through my head. I don't think the tapes are working anymore."
Hallelujah! "Aww, gee...that's too bad. Guess you'll just have to find something else to focus you, huh?"
He just glared at me...okay, so he wasn't in the mood for sarcasm. "I guess. It's just like it wears off before I get out there." All of a sudden, his eyes lit up and a smile crossed his face. "Duh! I'll just watch it closer to when I go out for my matches! Geez, why didn't I think of that before? This is great!" he said, smiling over at me.
Yippie...well, I had two seconds of thinking things would go back to normal. I really shouldn't have gotten my hopes up like that.
So the next night, he watched his tape, then came out to see me before his match, like he always did. I gave him a kiss for good luck, then gave him a hug. Whoa...there were those happy pants again. "Uhh, no....this isn't gonna work," I said, chuckling as I looked down.
"What? Come on, you love my hugs! What do you mean, this isn't gonna work?" Boy, I sure had been confusing him a lot lately.
"Dude! I don't mean that...I mean THAT!" I pointed towards his, uhh, "lower regions". "You could poke an eye out with that thing! Do you NOT care that millions of people are gonna see you out in the ring with a big ol' stiffie?"
He rolled his eyes and shrugged. "Who LOOKS?"
"Uhh, hon, I hate to break it to you, but before I worked here, I was a fan..and I *always* looked for stuff like that. Trust me, it's like a hobby for some people. I don't think watching your stuff right before you go out is such a good idea."
"Whatever. Watch, nobody will say anything about it." With that, he walked out for his match.
Well..."nobody will say anything about it"...right. So, when I heard snickers coming from the direction of the monitors in the back, what? I was supposed to assume they were all watching cartoons or something? Sure. I went back there and his match was on the monitors. I just stood there, watching him go against Chris Benoit, with his Little Rhyno standing at attention. God! That was really sorta embarrassing. I just shook my head and looked at a random spot on the ceiling...I couldn't even watch it anymore.
"Hey Katie!" Jay said, walking up to me with a grin. "Maybe you oughta not fool around with him before he goes out there...I mean, what if he landed on that? Dude, that would hurt like hell!"
I let out a sigh. "I *wasn't* fooling around with him! All I'm gonna say is that he brought that on himself."
"Ohhh...heh...man! We SO have to show him the video of this later! That is just too funny," Jay chuckled as he walked away.
Great. So WONDERFUL to know that my man was the current joke of the WWF locker room. Sure, I just LOVED that.
And the crappy thing about it was that he didn't care! He didn't care that Jay and Adam were giving him shit about it...he didn't care when I told him that they were all snickering at him backstage. Nope...it was all water off a duck's back for him. Fuck. I was really hoping the "happy pants" incident would humiliate him, enough to where he wouldn't watch that shit anymore. But no...it was beginning to look like I'd NEVER be rid of it.
**2 Weeks Later**
I had never realized until this day that somebody could be so damn cranky because they left something at home. Nope...didn't realize it until Terry and I were on the plane going from St. Louis to Detroit and he was whining the ENTIRE time about how his match the night before had, according to him, "totally sucked". I didn't think it was THAT bad, but he acted like it was the worst match ever. And he claimed that it was because he'd left his miraculous, focus-enabling pornography at home, a fact which he had discovered about ten minutes before his match. Please. I was starting to think this was all in his head; if he quit watching it, the world would not end, the sun would come up the next day and he would be able to wrestle just fine. But no, he had it set in his mind that without those videos, there was no way he could possibly stay focused. I was wondering how much prodding it would take for him to let me take him to a therapist.
So we got home, to Detroit, where there was to be a Smackdown taping that evening. We picked up our luggage, trudged out to the parking lot and got in his car, presumably to drive home, to spend a little time relaxing before we had to go to the arena. We had about a half-hour drive to the house, so I took advantage of it and tried to get some shut-eye. Plus, honestly, the way he drove kinda freaked me out sometimes, and I bitched at him for it occasionally. Since he was already in a pissy mood, I didn't really feel like aggrivating it more...so I decided to just take a little nap.
"C'mon, wake up," Terry said urgently, nudging my shoulder.
What, we were home already? That was fast. I opened my eyes and stretched out a little. Looking out the window, I could see that we weren't at home, nope...we were in not the nicest part of town. "Hon, where are we?"
"Just come with me...I need your help with something. Please?" he asked as he opened up his door.
"Okay, okay..." I wasn't really awake enough to question everything, so I climbed out of the car and walked down the street a little ways with him. He stopped in front of a store and looked at me, as if he wanted my approval. I looked up and groaned. We were at one of those "adult" stores. "You do NOT want me to go in there with you."
He nodded. "Please? I said, I need your help with something. It's not big deal..come on!"
Well, I wasn't going to stand out there on the sidewalk in that neighborhood, so I reluctantly went in with him. One would think he could've found a slightly less sleazy-looking one, but I guess not. "And uhmm, why are we in here?" I asked, avoiding the leering eyes of some dirty old man that was shopping in there.
He said nothing, just led me over to a section of the store and looked at me. "Okay," he said, "Find one that you're not gonna throw a shit-fit about me watching." He crossed his arms in front of his chest and kept looking at me.
Great...so now he wanted me to hand-pick his dirty movies for him? Wonderful. "Okay, fine," I said as I perused the selection. Man..I felt dirty just LOOKING at those tapes. "Hon, am I supposed to be picking one that I would watch WITH you?" I was kinda confused about what he wanted.
Lord, when I said that, you should've seen the look on his face. He looked like a kid in a candy store. "Uhhh...yeah! That would be AWESOME!" he said enthusiastically.
Hmm. Oh, look, time to fuck around with him for making me do this. I picked up a tape and handed it to him. "That one!"
He studied it and wrinkled up his nose in disapproval. "Kates, this has only GUYS in it."
"I know. Take that one," I said.
"No! Come on, Katie...I'm not gonna watch two guys fucking. Sorry, try again." He handed the tape back to me.
"Okay...I knew you wouldn't go for that, but hey, can't say I didn't try." Fuck, I didn't care which one he watched...they would all make me "throw a shit-fit", as he so eloquently put it. So I just grabbed one and shoved it into his damn porn-loving hands. "There...take it and let's go, please? I don't like being in here."
He nodded in silent approval and we made the incredibly long (or so it seemed to me) journey to the cash register, highlighted with the fact that four guys recognized who he was on the way there. Oh goodie. If I'd gotten online the next day and saw some dudes screaming about "Dude, I saw Rhyno and his woman buying porn! He is a GOD!", somebody would be hearing from me. But that didn't happen.
So, I survived my adventure in that "quaint" little smut-peddling shop. I should've gotten a medal for that. However, what happened that evening somehow made it all worthwhile.
**End Part 2**
After a nice, porn-free afternoon at home...well, video-free *wink wink nudge nudge*, we made our way to the arena. It was just another day at the office for me...repair this, clean that, same old shit.
I was working at the sewing machine when I heard loud footsteps coming down the hallway. "Ohhh K-a-a-a-a-tie," a voice rang out. I looked up to see Terry walking towards me with a huge grin on his face. Was he skipping? Well, not quite, but it was as close to skipping as I'd ever seen him get.
"Uhh, hi sweetie...you okay?" I asked as he sat down next to me.
"I am great! Guess what?" he asked.
"Uhmm...I have no clue. What is it?"
"Me and Angle are going against the Dudleyz for the tag titles tonight!" he said enthusiastically.
"That's great, hon! Are you getting the straps?"
His face fell. "Well, no...but we get a shot...that's cool, isn't it?" Oh, there was that look...he wanted me to say something nice, to make him feel important. He sure was insecure sometimes.
"Sure, that's great...maybe one day you'll get 'em"
"Yeah! Well, I'm gonna go preview that tape we bought...wanna go with me?" he asked hopefully.
No, he didn't give up easily...wasn't his nature. He was totally bent on me watching that movie with him. "Sorry babe, but I really have a lot of work to do," I said, gesturing towards the pile of clothes in front of me that needed sewing. "I'll be lucky to get done in enough time to talk to you before the show." And even if I wasn't busy, there was no friggin' way I would watch that movie with him.
"Aww, damnit...that blows," he pouted. "I'll come see you before the match, though...I'll need a little good luck from ya," he winked.
"Even though you know you're gonna lose," I smiled.
"Yes, even though I know that...why do you have to keep reminding me of that?" he grumbled.
"Oh, stop pouting...it doesn't make you look too intimidating," I said, pinching his cheek...he HATED that.
"Aaaugh...you KNOW I hate that, Katie.." He shook his head. "I'm outta here...my cinematic masterpiece awaits my viewing." He leaned over, giving me a kiss before he got up.
God...he was such a freakin' goober. "All right, hon...have fun and don't hurt yourself." Well, I thought that was good advice...besides, if he hurt himself, I sure wouldn't benefit from it.
I was cleaning up my work area when he came up behind me, practically squishing me in a hug. I turned around in his arms and gave him a puzzled look. "Hello to you too...what was that all about?"
"Have I told you lately how much I love you?" he asked, an extremely goofy grin on his face.
"I guess you just did...thank you." Okay, what the hell had he been smoking? He was acting like a total crackhead.
"No, no, thank YOU. You picked out the BEST MOVIE EVER," he said, nodding happily.
Oh damn. He goes and says something totally sweet, that he loves me, and then he ruins it by saying it has something to do with some stupid-ass porno. Yeah, that made me feel GREAT. I smacked him on the arm. "Gee, thanks! You love me because I picked a good dirty movie for you."
"Ow!" he said, rubbing his arm where I'd hit him. Whoops..guess I did a good job taking my frustrations out on him, because I'd left a big red mark on his arm. "That fucking hurt!"
"Well! Listen to the stupid shit you say! How the hell do you think it makes me feel when you say that?" He could be so stupid sometimes!
"Look, Kates, I didn't mean it in that way....I love you just because you're you...and in *addition* to that, I wanted to tell you that you picked out a kick-ass movie...that's all! Okay?"
Oh hell...I kinda sorta had this inability to stay mad at him for more than, oh, ten seconds...weak, eh? Yeah. So I had to forgive him. "Oh, all right. So..." I looked him up and down and giggled. "Well, I was gonna ask you if you were ready for the match, but obviously part of you is reading for *something*." Ugh...I really needed to get some medication or something, 'cause I should NOT have still been so amused by the happy pants.
I think Terry was thinking the same thing, because he rolled his eyes at me when I said that. "Shit, Kates, it's not that funny. It's perfectly natural...and nobody cares! So please stop being so damn fixated on it." He paused a second. "Err..well, I mean, I want you to be fixated on it but not at work! We need to be serious here!"
I nearly spit out the water I was drinking. "Whoa...hold the phone there, mister. 'We need to be serious here!'...hel-lo!?!? You watch porn when you're at work! How the hell is that serious?" Well, I was confused....I wanted him to enlighten me.
"It helps me with my job! So there is NOTHING wrong with it, okay? Can we please stop arguing about this? I hate arguing with you," he pouted. God, there he went again...trying to be Mr. Huggable.
"Okay...you better get out there. Good luck." I gave him a hug and a kiss. "You be careful and hey, don't put anyone's eye out with that thing."
He rolled his eyes at me again. "Thanks, really. I'll see ya later." He turned and walked away and I took my seat in front of a monitor in the back with some of the other guys.
The match was going along great, everyone seemed to be matched up really well. All of a sudden, Mark slammed Terry down on the mat and set him up for the "Wazzup" spot, with Mark holding Terry's legs and Devon climbing up to the top turnbuckle, ready to butt his head right into a most painful area. Wait a sec....I watched the screen closer. Oh damn...if Devon hit that right, Terry was going to be in a LOT of pain. Jay and Adam were back there watching with me and, of course, since they were both, like, Captain Observant, they noticed it too.
"Dude!" Adam said. "He better hope that D-Von doesn't hit that dead center...ouch-o-rama!"
"Yeah! If he hits that, there goes your evening!" Jay commented, looking at me with a grin. "It'll be like 'Katie! Get the ice pack!'" He and Adam cracked up laughing.
"Very funny, you guys," I said. I watched with a wince as Devon did the spot, his head making contact in that very, uhm, sensitive area.
Terry yelled out in pain, while Devon held a hand over his left eye, rolling around on the mat, kicking and screaming. Mark managed to keep Terry still long enough to cover him, 1-2-3. He and Devon stayed down, both in obvious pain. Shit! When I told Terry not to put anyone's eye out with that thing, I was just playing...I didn't know it might actually happen.
"Dude!!" Jay said, "I think he poked his eye out!"
"Wow! He's got a boner of steel! No wonder he's your boyfriend!" Adam laughed.
I scowled over at them. "Ah haha...you two are soooooo hilarious! I've gotta go now before I wet my pants because you guys are so totally cracking me up!" I got up and smacked them both upside the head as I left the room...they were such doofuses.
I stood right outside the entrance to backstage from the ring, waiting for Terry to show up so I could ask him how he was doing. Shortly I heard Devon's voice.."Man! What the hell do you have in there?"
He and Terry walked until they spotted me, coming over in my direction. "I didn't have anything in there! That was all me, I swear it!" Terry said.
"Well, Jesus! You could've warned me first...how's my eye look?" Devon asked, taking his hand from his face.
Eeesh...that looked pretty nasty. "I think you oughta find the trainer and have him look at that," I piped up.
"Yeah, I should...I'll go do that now."
"Okay...hey, you let me know what's up later, okay?" Terry asked.
"Yeah...sure," Devon muttered as he walked away.
I looked over at Terry. "You all right?"
"Not really," he replied, giving me his best pout. "It hurts...it hurts like hell...oh God, I hope I didn't break it. Will you look at it for me?"
"What good will that do? I'm not a doctor."
"I know, but you've seen it enough to know how it normally looks, so you can tell me if it's fucked up."
Okay, so he had a point there. "All right...let's go to your dressing room and check you out." I put an arm around his waist and led him to the dressing room, closing the door behind us. "Okay," I said as he stood in front of me, looking like he was going to cry. "Drop those drawers and let me see ya."
He frowned. "I can't...bending over hurts...will you do it for me?" Hmm...I was beginning to wonder if he was REALLY in pain or if this was just a ploy to get me to take his clothes off for him.
"Oh, fine," I sighed, taking a hold of the straps of his singlet and pulling the whole thing down around his ankles. Uh-huh..and he wanted me to thoroughly examine him, I presumed. So, that's what I did...and ya know, it was REALLY hard to do that without laughing. This whole thing was just ridiculous. "Well, it looks fine to me...I don't think you need to worry." I tossed him a towel. "Go take a shower, I'll drive you back to the hotel and we'll see how you feel, okay?"
"All right..." He looked down at his feet. "Will you help me take my shoes off?"
God! I highly doubted that his little injury was preventing him from taking his shoes off...but I helped him anyway. He stood up, wrapped the towel around his waist and went off to take his shower, whining all the way. I was surprised that he didn't ask me to help him with that too.
**One Hour Later**
I sat in the hotel room, watching TV, while Terry lounged on the bed, holding an ice pack to his injory. "You should be happy," he said.
Huh? "Why should I be happy?"
"I'm not gonna watch those tapes anymore...I don't wanna do this again. I guess it's back to match tapes for me," he said with a sigh.
Hot damn! Finally, I won my little battle. Sure, it was probably mean that I was sorta glad that he got hurt, but I was REALLY glad he wouldn't be watching that porn anymore. Besides, he'd feel better soon...I was sure of it.
Terry and I were doing great, happy as ever...I was happy because he wasn't watching those tapes anymore and he was happy because I helped him get all better from his injury...and I also made a little compromise with him. He still wanted to watch that stuff with me at home, so we made a deal. I would watch with him, but only the ones that we made. Yep...that was our new hobby. And it was SOOOOOOO much fun; I had no idea he was so creative! He really surprised me...and I think I surprised him a little as well.
Of course...we did have that little problem with one of our tapes being stolen...and then showing up on eBay...but, well, that's another adventure for another day.
**The End!!**
