Know your enema

Hospital waiting room...

Back on the chronic... or was he ever off?

Johnny O has a cigarette in his mouth, when he turns his back to a pair of nurses as they walk down the corridor away from him, so as to hide the smoke from them. He pulls out a zippo and lights the cig, but the paper doesn't burn. Olympus takes a big hit and a small hole in the tip of the cigarette glows hotly. He holds the smoke in, starts coughing, clears his throat, takes another puff, and then empties the one hitter onto the hospital floor by tapping it against the zippo.

Johnny O: COUGH! Good shit...

Johnny O is on the drugs again. Sad.

Johnny O: Where the fuck is that doctor? How long does it take to remove a lawn dart from someone's ass? I guarantee it's going to take a bathysphere, Jacque Cousteau, and the jaws of life for them to get my foot out of Dude Job's pee hole when I get a hold of his ass, because I'm going to try and kick a tunnel the size of the Chunnel through his pelvis next time we meet.

Fucking with losers like Dude JoB, Shaun Stewart, Dynamite, and the rest of Static makes me fucking ill. I'm Johnny fucking Olympus! I helped make SWF what it is today, not that any of those malakas in the front office will give me any credit for it.

I sponsored Tepper's promotion too. Fuck 'em. But I don't need their fucking endorsements, cuz they are all a bunch of egomaniacs themselves. They wouldn't piss on me if I were on fire. They ALL want the spotlight on them. But that's the business, right? What have you done for me lately. So lemme deal with the moment, let me deal with what's been laid out before me. One at a time, I'm gonna rip down the obstacles standing in my fucking way, and take it right to the top, and shit on their parade when it's all said and done.

No one crosses Johnny O and CYDONIA Inc., no one! No more fucking loose ends. Looking down the fucking SWF roster, I got some receipts I'ma need to deliver, FO SHO! Grady, Staggs, it ain't over until it's over. But we'll wait on that cuz I got me some unfinished business with STATIC. Goes all the way back to two months ago. Tag team contendership. Me and Tazi carrying a dud by the name of Mike Steele. That ended badly, but like I said, no loose ends. I'll just FIX the problem. If ANYONE thinks that I am going to walk away from the SWF without getting a piece of everyone that crossed me, they're sadly mistaken.

Nobody knows this but Hunter Tazi's leg was fractured in that last match he had with Tommy Grady, then it got worse when he went up against Lost Worlds in GWA. Otherwise that crazy mother-canucker would be here right now settling scores and decapitating these morons head's from their shoulders. They don't need them anyway, barely use 'em. I'm smarter, I'm original, an innovator, a master manipulator, and the ARCHETYPE of what a pro in this business is all about. They're all a bunch of marks, popping for their own fucking hype. Most of these punks couldn't sell out an arena if they papered half the audience! And the ones that can... well, if we gotta go, we gotta go. They wanna bop with tha best, let's get it on. But until then, I got personal business to attend too. PERSONAL! The conspiracies and clandestine activities of CYDONIA Incorporated, baby!

Hmph, good weed. Helping me think, focus. Get my shit together. Now I gotta get Herb's brain out of his ass and back into his head. Hopefully the doctors can do an ass-otomy. Or a brain transplant. Herb fuckin' Allgood. I KNOW I can make a winner out of him. If that jackass Chris Staggs can be SWF champion, tag team champion... shit, if that dull as dirt, Irish walking liver-transplant, boghopping Mulligan, Tommy Grady can be #1 contender for the strap, I can take The Maniacal Mountie Herb Allgood all the way to the top of this shit-heap. Herb might not be all there, a few screws loose, a few cards short of a full deck... let's face it, a fucking canuck-fuck... shit! How'd I get stuck with that guy!? I was NHBWF and RCW World Champ! I managed The Ominous Alliance to the TWF World Tag Titles! El Qasr Sahli Casbah was my client in W3 when he won the world strap, beat that fucking beefeating limey Pete Ebdon! Hunter Tazi, AWF and OSR Champion! How do I get stuck with Dudley Dickhead, Herb Allgood!?

Ah, fug it. It can't possibly get any worse.

Johnny O turns to head toward Herb's hospital room when...

DING!

The elevator down the hall dings and the doors slide open, and out steps... The Great Activisto!?

Johnny O: I believes, I done be a-spoken, too soon! Gawd damnit!

The Great Activisto: Have no fear, The Great Activisto is heeya!

Activisto is hauling a huge briefcase with him.

Johnny O: Activisto, man! Listen, I know we talked in the past, and you're a friend of Herb, but we don't really need yo--

Activisto: Tell me something boy scout? Is the environment in danger? Some poor species on the brink of extinction somewhere in this world? Women being exploited for their big boobies and private parts? Homeless cats? Teenagers at fast food places spitting in your food!?

The Great Activisto! Super Models Beware!

Johnny O: Yeah, but..

Activisto: Then, by God almighty, The Great Activisto, the wrestling world's answer to Greenpeace but without the pussyness, wrestling's World Wildlife Fund that got the "F" out, and all that other good stuff is needed! Mother Nature can relax now that Activisto is on the scene!

Johnny O: Listen, Herb is in bad shape, but we have ourselves a match next week with a member of STATIC, and a guy I want to fucking see get his head kicked in, Dynamic Dynamite. I need a calm environment here so I can la-

Activisto: Environment!? I'm all about the environment sweetcheeks! Where's my good friend Herb Allgood!? Let The Great Activisto inspire him to defeat the evildoers and super-villains you have become pitted against!

Johnny O: Pitted, yeah, more like pity... on me God, please. Pity!

Activisto takes his great big briefcase and marches into Herb's room followed by Johnny O.

Herb Allgood: Activist-ooooo! My butt! Shazam! Hurts like tha dickens, eh?

Herb Allgood... with all new Mountie Body Armor! Extra padding in the pelvic region sold separately.

Herb is all bandaged up, in a full body cast. A number of i.v. Bags are hooked up to his ass and groin area. The only area of his body we can see is his eye.

Johnny O: Jesus Christ dude, what the fuck? You got a lawn dart up the tookas, you didn't get THAT hurt!

Herb Allgood: Precaution, it's aboot precaution. Moontie's are all aboot safety. I'm a Royal Canadian Moonted Police Officer, trained to serve and protect. What better way to protect then in a full body cast. Bullets will bounce right off of me!

Johnny O: I need another hit. But before I do that, listen up Herb. We got you a match next week against... what the fuck are you doing?

Activisto is putting together a large movie screen and a projector.

Herb Allgood: Yay! Slide show! Is this the one aboot how babies are made? I once helped a moose give birth, don't ya know. We Moontie's are trained in all facets of nature and protecting mother Canada,eh. Plus it gave me the experience points to move up to a third level ranger.

Activisto: In the Fur Wars of 97' we planned out a strategic attack upon all fur wearing women in the Los Angeles area, and let me tell you, by God, there was much red paint spilt that day. And we even closed down Spago's for the day. VEGAN POWER!

Johnny O: WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT!?

Activisto: Always be prepared!

Herb Allgood: Boy scoot rule #1!

Activisto: Rock on Cubby!

Johnny O: Listen hippy, I'm all for the "movement", or whatever, but Herb here needs to prepare for his freaking match this week!

Activisto: Watch... and learn. This is how we do things protest style! LIGHTS! I said... LIGHTS!

Johnny O: I'll show you some lights, malaka pousti poutana!

Johnny O hits the light switch and sits down in a chair and watches. The projector is turned on by Activisto. He whips out a pointer.

Activisto: Herb Allgood, your mission, if you wish to accept, is to rid the SWF of a group of men so disgusting, so inhumane, amd so downright indecent, even NAMBLA wouldn't allow them membership. Let's start off with... the ring leader. Pete Ebdon!

Herb Allgood: Oooh!

Activisto: The "British Sensation" Pete Ebdon, eW World Champion, former W3 and WWS Champion! Well, Herb, all I can say is, this is OUR world, not HIS. And YOU can do something to change that! I suggest we write our congressman and ask them to deport this HGH sucking egomaniac! All in favor, say aye!

Herb Allgood: Aye!

Johnny O: NAY! Fuck him, and if he gets in our way, we'll cut him down, just like CYDONIA has done before. The guy can't do a decent English fucking accent. Someone probably gave him that gimmick just to expose him for the dicklick that he is. Scurvy-infested douche bag! Hit the clicker, man! El Qasr Sahli Casbah made this limey tap out to the "Fark You America". He's no threat to Herb. He's washed up. The most boring mother-fucker in the industry. He doesn't know when to shut up. He doesn't know that he's done nothing original in the past two years. Just another knockoff. Trying to copy every FWF'er to come down the pipe. He makes a move against Herb, we send him down the toilet!

Activisto: Excuse me! Would we want to pollute our rivers and lakes by throwing refuse like Peter Ebdon into them? I don't THINK so. NEXT!

Click.

Activisto: Nicholas Jaxx, newest member of STATIC...

Herb: Oooh!

Activisto: After a recent jaunt into the Himalayas, I believe Mr. Jaxx here oppressed the lives of Tibetan Monks living high up in the mountains with the goats and llamas. I suggest we get together with the Dahli Llama, get some Hari-Krishna's together, and protest this evildoer right out of the SWF!

 

Johnny O: Jaxx is such a deadneck he fucking insulted his own partner in his, dare I call it, promo, this week. If Jaxx thinks Ebdon is a dork, what the hell does that mean? Herb Allgood, you are a man of honor and respect, and you are nothing but dedicated. Don't even worry about him. This gobshite couldn't carry your freaking jock.

Herb Allgood: Definitely couldn't carry my jock this week, eh? I'd prefer if no one were to tooch tha old dingly-dangly fer tha next few days, eh? Just a LITTLE sore down in the num-nums, ya.

Johnny O: OH! Oh no! This one is ALL mine Herb. Shaun Stewart!

Activisito: No way Mister! This guy is all MINE! Drug abuse?! Spitting in people's hamburgers!? WHALE HUNTING!? Sorry Mr. O, but I'm no envelope licker! I'm all action! This man has my name tattooed on his butt!

Johnny O: He hit me with a friggin' shovel!

Herb Allgood: Constable Olympus, I am sure you will bring your man in, cuz us Moontie's always get 'em by tha balls. This week I got it IN tha balls, but them testies are comin' along just aboot fine, eh.

Johnny O: Balls? No, this punk doesn't have any balls. Captain Ahab here is the biggest backstage bitch I've ever seen. And no matter how many times they try and repackage his ass, from a burger flipper at McDork's to the captain of the S.S. Vaginic, this kid's done, finished, in the SWF. He'll never get over. He never WAS over. Activisto, see to it, PERSONALLY!

Click.

Activisto: Lunchmeat here needs no introduction as he was the man who ASSAULTED our good Sgt. Allgood last week.

Herb Allgood: Ahh, eh!

Johnny O: Ha ha ha! Dude JoB... fucking pathetic. Joe Shit here is the biggest also-ran in SWF history! How he got a hold of that Overdrive Championship, I'll never know. He's a disgrace. He's out of his league. He is so intent on gaining acceptance, he will kiss Pete Ebdon's nutsack to do it. That lawn dart he shoved up your ass Herb...

Herb Allgood: No need to remind me there, Constable, eh?

Johnny O: Yeah, well that was Dude JoB's attempt to get some fucking respect. He's never heard of the term "psychology". He probably kayfabe's the drugging. Split personality, my ass. No personality is more like it. He doesn't have enough personality to split it.

And now, he thinks he's got back, that Pete Ebdon and the rest are going to run out every time he's up against the wall. Bring them, bring 'em all, even his gimp girlfriend. Herb Allgood, you've got Johnny Olympus watching YOUR back.

Activisto: I'll be there too Sgt. Allgood, with my signs and protest rallies.

Herb Allgood: Ha ha! Ya, ya, I know that an' all eh, but, are ya tryin' ta tell me I'm gonna have ta take in all o' these young, strappin', errr... evil law breakers? I mean, all of 'em?

Activisto: Next on the list... the worst one of all!

Herb Allgood: There's more of 'em?!

Activisto: This misogynist pig is the target of several boycotts, all of which I will be attending, hopefully with some... one. Anyway, his name is Dynamic Dynamite. Not only is he exploiting women and teaching our young children bad values and morals, but he is also destroying the integrity of bad actors everywhere!

Johnny O: Dynamic Dynamite, you are... ha ha ha! Oh man, you're the best!

Herb Allgood: Who's he talking too, eh?

Johnny O: You are one of the best! You couldn't get over with your talent. You couldn't get over with your stupid name. You couldn't get over with your promos. So you have to go out and spend every freaking dime Carey and Tepper and whoever are paying you, to fuck these bitches with vaginas the size of the Grand Canyon. If I have to play by the rules of the game, then hell, all I can say is the XXX business would be stupid to NOT use you in their movies, right? If the SWF is as big as it thinks it is, the XXX business gets to sell their bad videos to wrestling's bottom of the barrel, 13 year old prepubescent geeks and 40 year old virgins with sticky keyboards and carpal tunnel syndrome from whacking it all day. Jill Kelly casts you in the role of a guy in a coma? Shit, she's the greatest fucking casting director in the history of film! She tagged you perfectly, you big fucking goof!

Just do me one favor knob-shiner, don't make this match with Herb a total abortion come Adrenaline, ok? I'll be there to manage my boy to a big win over your ass. But keep the titty committee off the fucking apron of else I'll put the Olympus Slam on all their silicone enhanced asses. There's no angle here my man, there's no long range plans. You're just cannon fodder. Herb Allgood got a taste of the real world, of the real life of a pro wrestler last week. Right Herb!?

Herb Allgood: Titty committee?

Johnny O: That was just a warm-up, a little practice. Feel everything out, get into character, if you weeeel. But from here on out, boy, the story is scripted perfectly. Babyface rips through the heels one by one until he gets back to the wedgeass that put him in the hospital to begin with, and that's the Overdrive Champ. So keep spunking out those pathetic promos Dynamite, and keep burying yourself deeper into the lower card. I'm quite sure, now that you're no longer teaming up with Stewart, you're going to be a HUGE success. Like in the $4.99 sales rack at Punjab's House of Triple X.

Herb Allgood: Now Constable Olympus, I got something to say here. All yer talkin' is getting me a wee bit confused, eh? How aboot you fill me in, eh? I'm tha lead officer in this here investigation, eh? An' if we're goin' after these choads and wankers Activisto's been puttin' up on the screen there, then I need ta be briefed. A Moontie is always prepared, to tha fullest!

Johnny O: Herb, you're going up against Dynamic Dynamite this week, what more do you need to know, huh?

Herb Allgood: An exploiter of women, you say, eh?

Activisto: We will coordinate the appropriate protests!

Herb Allgood: A man with bad moral values?

Activisto: Women are not sexual objects!

Herb Allgood: A man with no ethics, eh?

Activisto: If the system doesn't work, change it!

Herb Allgood: And what's this aboot a Titty Committee?

Activisto: The six most vile female porn purveyors and sex traffickers in the game!

Johnny O: There's only three of them.

Activisto: Each one of those silicone enhanced breasts is filled with enough evil to level an entire city block!

Johnny O: This is getting pretty awful. Not as bad as a Dynamite promo, but close. Anyway, show him Activisto, so I can go roll up an "L" and relax.

Activisto: Herb Allgood, my good friend, you are a decent man. But what you are about to see will shock you. Hold your moral fiber by the yammies Sgt. Allgood, you're about to be dunked into the mighty pits of XXX hell!

Click!

Herb Allgood: Eh? Hmm, well, they look like nice enough ladies, eh? How aboot I wrestle one o' the--- AAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Activisto: What's wrong ole chum!?

Herb Allgood: The blood! Rushing to mah groin area! The cast! The pressure! Man the torpedoes! The pain! The pain!

Johnny O: I'm out.

Fade......