Word Lyfe


Scene: "Word Lyfe" also known as John Cena's music blasts on the Public Address system and the crowd immediately goes into a chorus of boo's. The whole entire crowd already knows that John Cena would be coming out, after hearing his long segment about the last crowd on the last SmackDown!. The entire Raw crowd boo's wildly as John Cena walks through the curtains and immediately the crowd begins throwing empty cans and bottles at him. John Cena, as usual, is holding a microphone in his right hand. He walks across the stage as the crowd continues to boo like there's no tomorrow. He tells them all to quiet down. He is, as usual, wearing a jersey and some jean shorts. He laughs as he begins walking down the ramp. His black boots stomp the ramp as he begins nearing the ring. He walks up to the ring and turns his body side-wards to roll into it. He continues rolling for a second, but then he stands up to his feet. Lilian Garcia then announces him.

Lilian Garcia: Inside of the ring at this current time... hailing from Newbury, Massachusetts.. weighing in at two-hundred forty-eight pounds... he is six foot one, John... CENNNAAA!

Scene: There will never be another John Cena... or so we can only hope.

Jerry "The King" Lawler: Don't say that! That's a horrible thing to say!

Jim Ross: He is so disrespectful, though!

John Cena: Yo, yo, yo to all my doggs in Philly! Philadelphia, what a city! Woo! I can feel the energy in this arena! Too bad all the energy comes from a town worse than Madison Square Garden. I mean seriously, let me instruct you on something.

Scene: John Cena pulls a bar of soap out of his pocket.

John Cena: People, this is what you call a bar of soap. You lather it onto your body and cleanse! You enter a mechanism called a shower and rid yourselves of that horrid hygiene that you walk around with! I mean, you guys must be used to it by now, but when you have a super star of my caliber enter the ring, you want to look clean so I don't throw up on nice ole' Lilian Garcia over there. So, that's point number one on our list. Clean! Now, right then I was just talking about bodily hygiene, not dental hygiene. You all apparently have VERY good dental hygiene, and I commend you on that. Wait... Something about that I just said feels very wrong.. Oh, yes, you don't even have teeth! That's a wrong on society, people. Why does the WWEx always place me and the locker room in such bad areas? Do they have a grudge against us or something? Or maybe the other guys back there haven't been up to par lately, like wrestling up to a status that is expected. Doggs, I don't blame them, because there's only one John Cena and only John Cena can live up to John Cena's par. I mean, just because a guy in the back can't cut three minutes in the ring with me doesn't mean he sucks. It just means that he's average. It's basic math. You take a genius and a perfect athlete, like me. Then you add him into a match with some random person, lets say who has been training in the art of boxing for five years and then in the study of wrestling for another five. Lets give them a couple Olympic gold medals for good measure. Now, subtract his skills from mine, and let me tell you.. There's a hell of a lot in there. I mean, nobody has the testosforal fortitude to even step into a ring with me. I mean, that's like challenging Jesus to a miracle match. I'm sure there's not a lot of bright people in this arena right now, so let me spell it out for you. If you step into the ring with me, if you challenge me, it will be like you're the Philadelphia Seventy-Sixers in this past season -- you'll get DECIMATED! You'll get completely destroyed, that's why nobody should try it. I got an idea, doggs. I'm like a bucket of gasoline that you can bring home and fill'er up any time you want to, so listen up: John Cena - keep out of reach of small children, mix with fire and you got some explosions. Listen, you could put me in the Pacific Ocean and I still won't be watered down. You can put me in beach water for days and suffocate me in the process and I will never get washed up. In ten years, I still won't be a has-been. That's how it goes. And some people in the back might come out going all Barbara Streissand on me saying, "well, you're not a haTH-been, you're a never-waTH. THena iTH a loTHer!!" Now, let me tell you something. Nobody's going to do that, because frankly, nobody has the balls to say anything about me. I mean, who would be DUMB enough to pick a fight with me?

Scene: Suddenly, "Chemical" blasts throughout the arena. The whole entire place turns completely red and a pyrotechnic explodes on the ramp-way plus the stage. Kane walks out from behind the curtains and John Cena has a sense of fear struck through his entire body. Kane walks out onto the stage, holding a microphone. The crowd is cheering for Kane 100%, except for a small group of John Cena marks. Kane steps across the stage as John Cena looks like he's seen a ghost. Kane walks to the edge of the stage and starts down the ramp when John Cena begins talking again.

John Cena: Speaking of dumb, here comes Kane!
Momma' dropped him on his head, intelligence stayed the same!
They call Kane a machine because he's not a human being
But he smells like one -- I'm having trouble breathing!
Kane, don't step another foot, or I'll have to go Kung-Fu
Kane's a little boy crying because puberty just fell through
Hello, I'm very dumb, my name is Kane
The reason being is that I don't have a brain!
The way I got my name is 'cause I can spell it!
If I am ten yards away, you can still smell it!
I'm Kane, the big red dude!
Let's play alphabet, I'm in a good mood!
A, b, q, twenty-three!
Pika-boo, you can see me!

Scene: Kane was not amused. Kane continued walking down the ramp, making John Cena stumble back. Kane walked up to the ring when Rob Van Dam came running out. Rob Van Dam ran down the ramp quickly as Kane got into the ring over the top rope. Rob Van Dam ran to the ring as fast as he could. Rob Van Dam then slid into the ring, up to his feet. He got between Kane and John Cena. John Cena was wincing the whole time.

Rob Van Dam: I really don't see what the problem is, you guys. I mean, you seem like you could be good buddy buddies, but you guys, seriously. I mean, neither of you are me, Rob Van Dam, so all you guys really have to worry about is my approval. Don't fight with each other, just try harder to be like me! It's very simple, you guys. Kane, John Cena, I know you two are fighting over me, but it's got to stop. I mean, there's enough Rob Van Dam to go around!

Kane: You think this is about you? You SERIOUSLY think that this is all about you?!

Rob Van Dam: Well, I mean, I am Rob Van..

Kane: I don't care who you are! John Cena came down here and he insulted me and all my freaks. Van Dam, you're my very best friend in the world, and you're going all buddy-ish with him? Over me? Dude, you've changed.

Rob Van Dam: Dude, I'm not the one who's changed, it's you, dude.

Kane: No, dude, it's you, --

John Cena: CAN WE ALL STOP SAYING "DUDE" FOR ONE F***ING SECOND?!

Kane: Okay, okay... ... ... dude.

The Crowd Roars!!

John Cena: THAT IS IT!!

Scene: John Cena begins charging at Kane, but Rob Van Dam does a non-impactive spear that doesn't take down John Cena, just restrains him. John Cena is waving his arms everywhere trying to get to Kane but Kane just stands there. Kane then lifts his arms side-wards and slowly bring them up into the air. He touches his hands together and then drops them rapidly. All four turn buckles explode with red pyrotechnics. John Cena stops for a second, backing up. Kane then walks backwards towards the ropes and does his backwards ring out move where he flips over the top rope. John Cena watches Kane walks towards the ramp-way. Kane walks up the ramp also, not even stopping to turn around because he feels neglect. Kane walks across the stage to the backstage area.

John Cena: What's his problem, dogg?

Rob Van Dam: Dude, you--

John Cena: ENT ENT ENT!! Don't say that word!!!

Rob Van Dam: All right, uh.. Dogg! You guys need to mellow out. Like I said, there is enough Rob Van Dam for both of you. I mean, it's not easy being a world champion and a 100% great tag team partner, but after all, it's not easy being Rob... Van... Dam! .. Which I am, by the way.

John Cena: Really.

Rob Van Dam: Really! Well, I got to go, Kane might need some re-assurance.

John Cena: Peace out, dogg.

Rob Van Dam: Yeah, uh... You too.. dogg.

Scene: "One of a Kind" by Breaking Point blasts through the arena as Van Dam points to himself once again. Rob Van Dam then drops down and rolls out of the ring. Rob Van Dam stands up and walks to the beginning of the ramp-way. He then walks up the ramp as John Cena stands in the middle of the ring. Rob Van Dam walks to the stage. He then walks across the stage to the backstage area.

John Cena: Well, while Rob Van Dam was walking backstage, I was informed that I have a match tonight against two losers. Well, one loser and one giant who doesn't deserve to lose so much but he does because he just sucks. Well now, this match I should just storm right through. I mean, I am facing two men, well, I don't really know what is in their pants, so two PEOPLE that are very angry with eachother. GRR! Get over yourselves. Get over your little arguement, because you're taking up MY television time. MY viewers visions. Now listen, that's not fair to all those MILLIONS and BILLIONS of people out there who love me. That's just not fair. So what I say is this: You two should go get into a mini-van, you can sum up your life savings from the crappy wrestling you do and buy one, both sit in a spot of the front, and then drive off the interstate into a big, big ocean. Heck, just burn yourselves into ashes, we don't need you polluting the already polluted ocean. So listen, doggs, is that the plan? Or do I have to kill you both when I step into the ring with you? Double homocide is fine with me, I mean, when I was up in the hood, I had to kill every day to keep alive. I was in gang wars every day, because I'm a gangstuh! You all know it, you're just JEALOUS!

Jerry "The King" Lawler: Well, besides being jealous of his talent, jealous of his career, jealous that he's rapidly moving up in the rankings, he's rich!

John Cena: Now, I think I'm going to start off talking about Matt Hardy, version one point zero. I would think it was like 4.6, because of all the times you've failed. Matt Hardy, sorry to say, but you're bugged, dogg. You're going to be crushed before you have time to defragment. Matt Hardy, you came out and talked for a little while, and I noticed one thing. All you talked about was Kevin Nash, and what I can render up is one of two things. Either A. you're scared so much that you can't talk about me, or 2.(Hurricane taught me how to do the alphabet! :-P I'm such an asshole) you have a little crush on Kevin Nash. I mean, you were backstage with a camera on you for a long while, and I am a VERY worthy and crushing opponent, and all you talked about was Kevin Nash. I can only wondr what you were doing during that video clip. Now, dogg, I got a little bit of bad news for you, and I hope I don't hurt your feelings, but you know that European title shot you're looking forward to on HeAt? Sorry, but you won't be able to go to it, on account of broken legs. Heck, add in a broken neck, because of a very special F-U I'm going to be handing you. See, aren't I nice?

Jerry "The King" Lawler: Jim Ross, you can learn from this man.. He's a genius!

John Cena: Moving on to bigger things, such as the guy they call Kevin Nash. Big Daddy Cool. Diesel. A person who tore his quadrocept by walking across the ring. He's coming, chasing me. I wonder what's going to happen during this match. Oooh, the suspense. Dogg, all I have to say is this: break a leg. Oh, wait: you've already been through that department. Kevin Nash, listen in closely. Dogg, you're like seven foot one, and you're fighting against MATT HARDY?! I mean, you could throw Matt Hardy across the room like a chihuaha, yet you still seem to lose to him. I beg you this, if anything, please just DON'T lose that ladder match against Matt Hardy. Dogg, you may, well, suck and all, but you deserve to beat Matt Hardy. Plus, I think he'll give you the win, along with holding down the middle rope and making you get in the ring twice, like Scott Steiner and Stacy Keibler. I don't know, maybe it's just the way he looks at Shannon Moore that gives me that feeling about him, and let me tell you -- I don't like that feeling dogg. Nash, make Matt Hardy like the mutt he is and put him down, right after I kick your ass from one post to the next in our triple threat match. Well, for you it's more of a triple threat, because you might have to do more walking than ever to catch up with us, and you might, you know, break something again. But Kevin Nash, never fear, with the technology we have today, it would be minutes until you get to a hospital and start on a full fledged recovery... But the way you suck, I mean, I bet if they hooked you up to a machine, some giggling kid would unplug it. I would respect that kid, dogg. In fact, I would probably be that kid. I'm just eliminating predators.

Jerry "The King" Lawler: Because, JR, he's goooood. Hey -- I just realized, I'm sitting here alone!

John Cena: You know what I find funny about this whole match? These two not only have the first match every night because they reek so horribly so much and so consistantly, they are the guys that have to set up the ring and mop the ramp and all that stuff before the matches because otherwise, they would be fired. Matt Hardy, dogg, good luck on your European title match, because there is no way in hell that you're not winning without a stroke of luck -- speaking of strokes, if Hurricane gets a stroke, then you got a chance. But otherwise, move forward my friend, because I am going to hoard all of the titles. I feel like I'm on a talk show making transitions to the next topic, but here we go any ways -- speaking of hoarding, lets talk about Christian a bit. He's holding Jeff Jarrett's Intercontinental Championship "for him" while Jarrett's away. Well, considering the fact that Christian can't defend it, I would say that that would be hoarding. Christian, give it up dogg, you'll never be anything more than mediocre. Sure, you share a common belief with me -- that being that this whole entire arena sucks. But other than that, your philosaphys planly.. suck! I mean think about it. You can't have your own title, so you take Jarrett's? Well, you better hold on to it tightly, because I heard he's coming back soon, and then I will get my shot. If Shane would allow it, I tell you. I would challenge you, Jeff Jarrett, and the Undertaker all to a handicapt match. ...But, alas, my foot hurts. I really gotta get a massage or something for it, because it's really painful. But never the less, I will go through all three of you. Starting with Christian, then I will plow through the Undertaker. Thinks because he's been in the wrestling business long he deserves respect, although he doesn't really do anything -- at all. So any ways, once we have that taken care of, that leaves the one and only Jeff Jarrett to be beaten senseless, which I find fun for the whole entire family. I got to check my calender, but if time is on my side, then I can have a shot by Vengeance. If not, the Raw afterwords, or whenever. The fact of the matter retains the point, I will become the intercontinental champion, and nobody can stop me. Not Christian, not the Undertaker, not Jeff Jarrett, not the whole four horsemen, not Kane, not even Rob Van Dam himself can stop me. Because I am on a power trip. A power trip that will leave me the intercontinental champion. A power trip that will tear apart the WWEx in the middle of it. A power trip that can only leave me saying two words -- Word Lyfe!

Jerry "The King" Lawler: I'm talking to myself.. JR left... Hmm... Well, John Cena seems very serious... I'm not good at color commentation..

Scene: John Cena drops his microphone as the song "Word Lyfe" blasts throughout the entire arena. John Cena drops his body side-wards and rolls out of the ring. He stands up and does his little "Word Lyfe" gang sign as the crowd boo's very loudly. John Cena tells them to shut up as he nears the ramp-way. John Cena then walks up the ramp to the stage, proceeding in walking across the stage to the backstage area.