THE WORLD'S FINEST WRESTLING NEWS SOURCE
December 31, 2001 Edition
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Should Auld Acquaintance be forgot?

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Captain Zemo in an undated photo

DATELINE FLASH! - (TWW) In a story only tangentially related to wrestling, Captain Zemo was discharged from his long held position at Rangrate Tugboating Concern on Thursday morning.

"Yes, we can confirm the firing of Captain Zemo," said G.R.O. LaSalle-Rangrate, official spokesman for the concern. "He had been, quite unfortunately, displaying increasingly erratic and bizarre behaviour. In the end, he had to be let go, both for his own safety and for the safety of the other workers. Not to mention the integrity of the equipment."

Zemo, known to wrestling fans mainly through his long time friendship with Monty Swell, had largely retired from television work and had returned to the shipping industry. He was unavailable for comment, but the woman who answered his phone said that he was, "in good spirits." It is left to the reader to decide just exactly to what spirits she referred.

The incident on Thursday last was witnessed by several people on shore, as well as crews of other vessels in the area. "I've never seen anything quite like it," said Randy "Sweetlips" Cringe, a lineman on a nearby barge. "I mean, I really don't know how he did it." Cringe added, "I wouldn't have fired him, man. I mean, I think he was just hungry."

According to witnesses, shortly after nine a.m., a tug piloted by Zemo exited the Rangrate marina and seemed to head out toward the bay with no difficulty. A short time after, however, the boat was observed to make a sharp turn to the right, and to make a 180 degree turn in a matter of seconds. In addition to this, the tug was observed to make this turn in an odd, choppy movement that gave the impression that it had somehow been magically placed in a fast-motion time warp. The tug then headed back to the dock. Zemo was then observed to run from the bridge to the dock and to hurriedly pour himself a bowl of Kellogg's Raisin Bran.

The Sun was unavailable for comment.

DATELINE FLASH! - (TWW) In an unusual turn of events, Whirl columnist Mogreasha has informed our office that she will be writing her column for "the foreseeable future" from her remote cabin "upstate."

Mogreasha assures all her readers that she "intends only the best," and that she fully wishes "to solve a great number of problems."

While we will miss seeing her around the office, we wish Mogreasha only the best, and many, many more years of penning everybody's favourite column.