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 DATELINE FLASH! - (TWW) Mister T, a former employee of the PWL, is under investigation from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Other Things We Don't Tax Nearly Enough, Don't You Know, for alleged violations of federal law in his San Francisco area "boutique," "Mister T's Cosmic Freakout." "I don't know what the fuss is all about," said T in his anachronistic 'southern' drawl, "I mean, all I was doing was supplying the customers with goods and services." T is alleged to have been illegally selling prescription tooth lengthening pills, which go under the trade names of 'Dentexor' and 'Toothicin,' to several undercover agents over a period of nearly six months. "We initiated the investigation in mid-2001," said a Bureau agent, who asked not to be identified, "after receiving several tips and complaints from a number of upset parents who claimed that T was selling these drugs to their children." One of the parents, who asked to be identified as Mildred, told The Whirl, "I just couldn't believe that anyone would stoop so low as to sell these harmful things to just any little child who walked in off the streets with a five-dollar bill." Mildred's son, whom she asked to be refered to as "Mildred's Son," allegedly bought several doses of 'Toothicin' over a period of several months, for the purpose of, as he himself put it, "looking more like that guy behind the counter," adding, "He's pretty awesome." "Do you realize what kind of dentist bills we've had to ring up just to get him to look normal again?" fumed Mildred as we attempted to leave the premises. "If I ever see that [fellow] again, I'm going to wring his [freaking] neck, if he has one!" "Heck," said longtime friend Mister H, "I don't think he meant to hurt anyone. I think he was just doing what he had to do, see. Yeah, and you people make it out to be some sort of capital crime." H then sang a note in an effected operatic voice and stormed out of the room. Longtime family friend of both the T's and the H's, The Thing, was unavailable for comment. |
