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 DATELINE FLASH! - (TWW) In a move that has stunned the wrestling world, Joe The Giant let down the student body of Saint Athanasius Elementary School, in the city of Karal in his homeland. The Whirl is proud to have brought you this news before anyone else. Our staff learned that The Joester arranged for an appearance at the school the other day of a person he promised would be "a star," presumably from the PWL-UWF concern that he claims to run in the area. This "star" was to appear for the children as a reward for having sold calendars to gullible stiffs in the area. Our on-the-spot reporter noted that these calendars, sold at the end of the last semester, were unusual in that they contained a full twelve months in the year, and were therefore actually useful. On the afternoon that the "star" was to appear, all the children were filed into a large basement auditorium with a utilitarian designation which translates as "The Multipurpose Room." It is reported that no one dared laugh at the Xerox logo, as no one wished to have to sit next to Sister during the presentation. Expectations were apparently running high among the students. Among the boys, the popular guesses as to the identity of the star were Superman, and He-Man. The girls were hoping for Pippi Longstocking, or Carmela. When former McDonald's pitchman "Mac" made his entrance, however, the children's expectations were dashed. As "Mac" made his way to the podium, he had to duck to avoid flying nonresponsiveness. He surveyed the room as the children rained silence down on him. Not speaking the children's language, "Mac" nevertheless began a twenty minute speech concerning the dangers of smoking and playing on railroad trestles. He also made a cryptic comment about being "the third 'Mac' to appear in your lousy rag. I know you can hear me, you losers." "Mac" then left the school, passing out coupons to the youngsters. Several boys were kept after school for making paper airplanes from their coupons. "I think it went well," said Sister Ascensia, principal. "The children were well behaved and maintained correct posture. Mostly." Some children saw it differently. Our reporter caught up with several students of the school as they walked home. Through an interpreter, he was able to get their reactions. "Yeah, it was crap," said Amro Raspat, grade 6. "I sold all those stupid calendars, and I don't even know who that guy was." Classmate Augustin Vareh agreed, saying, "It was supposed to be a star. That guy had a moon for a head. How is he supposed to be a star?" Augustin's sister, Silvia, who was walking with two of her grade 4 classmates, informed our reporter, "I don't know who that was. I thought at least the star would have been a singer, or something, or even a wrestler, since Joe said he was sending him." Silvia's classmate, Filumena Verendak concurred, saying, "It could have been Fat Albert." Silvia's other classmate told our reporter to get out of her face. When asked by phone why he would send someone to the school who wouldn't be received well by the children, Joe told our reporter, "What am I? Clairvoyant? I thought 'Mac' would be a hit." Joe then went on to verbally assault our reporter saying, "By the way, I don't appreciate you lying to me. I called The Police Department. They want to talk to The Terror regarding something that one of your writers did, trying to set something on fire a few weeks ago. It has nothing to do with Lou Thesz. I'm tired of you taking everything out of context. Is it deliberate?" What The Terror, suspect in the mysterious death of Thesz, has done to Joe to make him so upset is still a mystery. Joe quickly terminated the phoned interview after our reporter asked him why Joe did not make the appearance himself at the school. "I've got to lie down," Joe said by way of explanation, "for my back." "Mac" was unavailable for comment. |
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