Carmenes et Poemae Praeteriti...Songs and Poems of the Past

sometimes, everything is right where it's supposed to be · and sometimes, i just don't know what's wrong with me · and i can't tell the truth to you · 'cause i don't know what you will do · and everything i'm feeling stays inside of me · it's destorying me ·

everything just crumbles · i am led to wonder · what would happen if i · threw myself upon the flames · i have come to realise · what i see in your eyes · you are centred · and i'm distorted · i'm distorted · i'm distorted · i'm distorted ·

maybe, when i'm beaten up and broken down · you will see the fantasy that i have found · but, still i cannot tell the truth · because the ignorance of youth · and every emotion i'm feeling · drowns me even more ·

everything just crumbles · i am led to wonder · what would happen if i · threw myself upon the flames · i have come to realise · what i see in your eyes · you are centred · and i'm distorted · i'm distorted · i'm distorted · i'm distorted ·

the less i look, the less i feel · the less i want, the less the pain · the less i need, the less i give · the less i have, the less i receive · the less i wish, the less i care · the less i hate, the less i am · the less i hold, the less that breaks · the less i bare, the less i love myself ·

i found out today that i can't feel a thing · i'm numb · i have become ·

i set myself apart from everyone's heart · i'm estranged · i am stained ·

the closer i get to you, the further away i feel · whenever i'm near you, i realise i haven't healed ·

i set out today to tell the truth to you · i'm alive · but, paralysed ·

i dragged myself through hell for you · i am burned · i am spurned ·

some would say that my life has been empty, though, i regret to say, it hasn't been. i woke one day to find that i was lost. i saw that i had pushed away my friends. i noticed that i was truly alone. the lonliness i'd feared had come to pass, and nowhere was there any sign of hope.

a million reasons came to mind that day, each one more outlandish than the first. i was standing right beside the ocean. the black waves sought to drag me further in. the undertow was dragging me further out into the deep, black, freezing ocean. and, anymore, i wish that i would drown.

hello, dear friend; oh, forgotten one.
i never forgot... well, yes, i did.
i forgot about you as soon as we parted ways,
and that was only after just having had a converstion with you.
it was no great weight upon my mind, i suppose,
for, i neither cared about your condition,
nor, did i care about how and what you felt.
i was simply speaking to you because you spoke to me.
not that it really makes any difference, i suppose.
but, what the hell?

goodbye, dear friend; oh, desired one.
i never forgot... well, yes, i did.
i forgot who you were as soon as i saw your face,
and that was only for the briefest instant.
it never even crossed my mind, i suppose,
for, i neither cared about your reputation,
nor, did i care about how and what your friends felt.
i was simply speaking to you because i wanted to hear your voice.
not that it makes any difference, i suppose.
but, what the hell?

and now, you're looking at me again.
i hate it when you do that, but, i will never tell you so,
mainly because it would take too much effort,
and we both know that i'm not at all willing to expend any effort in your direction.
my friends hate you,
and, to be honest, i'm embarrassed to know your name.
i'm good looking, i'm popular,
and, best of all, i'm better than you will ever be.
not that it really makes any difference, i suppose.
but, what the hell?

and when i look at you, i get sick all over again.
i hate it when you do that, but, i will never tell you to stop,
mainly because watching you do anything is bliss,
and we both know that i love to watch you do anything at all.
whether you're bending over,
or, to be more blunt, when you even move.
you're good looking, you're popular,
and i'm privileged to even know your name.
not that it really makes any difference, i suppose.
but, what the hell?

it never turns out the way that you have expected it to.
it never appears to be the end until you descend.
the pit never looks so black, nor deep until you've sown that which you reap.

it all breaks down.
it always turns around.
you never hear a sound until it's just too late to change the outcome.

and you can cry to the skies, and no one will answer.
the truth, you discover, it acts like a cancer.
and you can pray to your god, and he'll never answer.
the truth, when it's found, it serves as a cancer.

i have seen the most beautiful dream.
i have become a great big machine.
i can't feel love, just raw hate.
(i'd kill myself, but it's too late.)

it's inside of me,
coarse and cold and dead inside.
it's inside of me,
coursing through my black insides.

sometimes, i forget that i am no one,
but, then, you're always there just to remind me.
and after every moment, you can find me,
like a siphon searching for its prey

and every time, you find me at my weakest.
every time you find me, i am on my own.
and every time i look at you, i see my own reflection.
it frightens me to look upon my destination.

dis connector 13-02-00