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Job application.
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am applying for the position of 'Deity' I saw advertised in the religious section of the 'Sunday Times". I hope you will consider me for the position, as I'm currently at a loose end as to what to do with my life.
I am particularly attracted by the benefits you mention. 'Omnipotence, omnipresence, Omniscience' and unbridled power to do as I please. I think these sort of things would greatly impress my mother, who tells me, that now I'm 45, it's time I left home and got a life.
I do have a life right now. Don't be taken in by my mums silly comments. I am actually a very responsible person and know some very important people in our town. I always chat to a lot of people when I go the Post Office. I know I must be popular, because some of them talk back to me.
Your ad was a bit vague as to what qualifications are required to be a god. I can see myself being pretty good at the vengeance, wrath and annihilation things, and would try and do those things in a loving, compassionate way.
I would definitely make some long overdue changes. All that chanting and listening to sermons' stuff would have to go. It's just so tedious. Incense, walking-on-water… well I'm up for all of that.
Do you think that 'Sam' is a good name for a Deity? (That's my name, you see. Well really it's 'Samuel', but only mother calls me that. Everybody else calls me 'Sam'). The Great God SAM! Praise ye the SAM". And it would make a good chant (Despite what I said about chants earlier…)
'sam, sam, sam, sam,'
Or try it in an extended low voice sort of way…
'saaarm, saaarm - mee, saaarm, sarm-saaamee'
What do you think?
(of course when I'm a deity that's one question I won't have to ask any more)
Your ad also didn't mention what the pay was like. Being a pretty important job, I expect it has a good rate of renumeration. Would it be a position paid by the hour, or a regular monthly salary?
Again the ad doesn't mention things such as time-off, sick days and holidays. There are labour laws about those sort of things, and I'm sure that being a responsible employer you know all about that.
Is there a uniform or will I have to wear my own clothes? I certainly don't want one of those nightgown robe things. A nice suit would be much more dignified. (A hat would make a real impression… you just don't see pictures of god's wearing hats!)
Well, I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest possible convenience.
SAM.
P.S. One of my mates said that seeing as it was April 1st, the ad could be a wind up. But he's the stupid one because mum says you really shouldn't joke about things like god.
P.P.S. I tell you straight, give me the job, and religion will be no laughing matter ever again. I'll wipe the smile off peoples faces with a few well placed lightning bolts and then follow that up with a plague or two. More loving discipline, that's the answer!
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