A/N: The song used in this fic is Let Me Go by Three Doors Down.
Spoilers: Post Chosen for Buffy, no specifics for Stargate - could happen anywhere in the timeline.
At the end of this fic is a vid made by Onlimain. She was inspired by this fic and so she created a vid that I think perfectly captures my story. With her permission I've added it to the site. You have to click on the box to activate it and then push play to watch. WARNING! Those with slower connections - the video may take a few minutes to load.
Let Me Go
One more kiss could be the best thing
One more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you’re not something I deserve
Jack wearily unlocked his front door and entered his quiet house. After hanging his coat up, he went into the kitchen to grab a beer from the fridge. Tossing the cap on a counter as he passed it, he moved into the living room and lit the fire.
All of his joints screamed out in protest as he eased himself onto the couch. If he was a lesser man he’d take that as a hint that he was getting too old to continue going through the gate. But since his body had been issuing these protests for years, even before he joined the Stargate program, and it hadn’t given out on him yet he wasn’t going to let it stop him from doing what he loved.
This last mission had been a close one, though. Even he, the eternal optimist, had grown worried about making it out alive. Not that he voiced his concerns to his fellow teammates. It was his job to keep the team together and alive, it wouldn’t be fitting for them to see the despair he felt. Only when night had fallen and while he kept watch did he even consider letting his fears surface.
Staring out into the darkness, he realized how unfair it would be to Buffy if he died on that godforsaken planet. Or any other planet for that matter. She would never know the truth behind his death and she deserved better than that. If he was being completely honest with himself, he’d say she deserved better than him period.
It still amazed him that someone so young would find him attractive, let alone convince him of their right to be together. Two years later the relationship never lost its spark. But it had been clear within their first few months together that her somewhat cheery demeanor was merely a facade. She was a quite serious and mature woman on the inside, a side that surfaced at seemingly random moments. He could see how men her age would be put off by her confident attitude. She needed someone who wouldn’t be intimidated by her seriousness. Why she chose him he’d never know.
In my head there’s only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there’s real and make-believe
This seems real to me
She had firmly entrenched herself into his battered heart and she showed no signs of leaving. Not that he’d ever want her to. Buffy gave him new reasons to continue fighting and get safely home. He looked forward to coming home at night because she’d be there waiting for him. Waiting for him to love her and love him in return. Something he had been sorely lacking before she had entered his life.
Not to say that he didn’t love his teammates and vice versa, but that was different. They had sustained him through some of the roughest times in his life, but he needed more. He needed to touch and be touched, to hold and be held. He needed to have someone with whom he could just be. Where he could live a normal life that had nothing to do with the goa’uld or saving the world.
But was it fair of him to be using Buffy in this manner? True, he loved her with all his heart and she the same, but was it fair? Could she truly love him when there was a huge part of his life that he had to keep hidden.
You love me but you don’t know who I am
I’m torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don’t know who I am
So let me go
Let me go
He had already done this years ago with Sara. She spent their entire marriage never knowing exactly what he did and he knew that a part of her resented him for that. Not that he could blame her. He was always holding a piece of himself back. Just like he was doing now.
And that part of him was fairly important. For many years it was what kept him going - kept him alive and sane. He wished he could come home and share everything about his day at work, not just his complaints about paperwork and how he found a way to annoy his coworkers that day, but to share his concerns about their rocky alliances with other races and his well-hidden fears about losing his teammates on a mission.
Maybe it would be for the best if he just ended the relationship now, before he got in too deep.
***********
I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing?
I know not what I’m going through
Buffy sighed to herself as she pulled in next to Jack’s truck in the driveway. She shut off the engine and leaned back in her seat. The tiny blonde had been hoping that Jack would still be gone on his mission. Her stab wound needed one more day to heal enough so he wouldn’t notice it. She could have stayed in Cleveland for that extra day, but she honestly just wanted to go home. Home to Jack.
Sure the man had a good twenty years on her, although he was a baby compare to some of the other men she had dated, but something had just clicked between the two of them. He made her laugh, treated her with respect, and never considered her to be “the little woman”. That was probably the most important thing. He recognized her independent, stubborn streak and never tried to hold her back or reign her in. In fact, he always seemed to be proud that she was like that.
However, he also seemed to instinctively know when she needed to be held and comforted. He would pull her into his arms and just let her cry. She never understood how he was able to get her to do that. She was not one to break down in front of people, especially once she had become the slayer. Because everyone expected her to be strong, to make the hard decisions, she couldn’t afford to show any vulnerability. But there, in the shelter of his embrace, she could open herself in ways she had never been able to before.
In my head there’s only you now
This world falls on me
In this world, there’s real and make-believe
This seems real to me
She had found a kindred spirit in Jack. When he woke from his own nightmares she could see the same haunted and pained look that she carried at times. He refused to let the past weigh him down, though. He frequently took life by the horns and tried to make the most of it.
Buffy could easily see herself living out the rest of her years with him. His humor and love for her gave her an extra bounce in her step, another reason for continuing her fight against evil.
With Jack she was almost able to believe that a normal life for herself was possible. That she could marry, have children, live in a house, and maybe even get a dog. She could work a real job or even stay home with the kids and not worry about the dangers that existed outside of her door.
But it wasn’t possible. The past week in Cleveland had proved that.
You love me but you don’t know who I am
I’m torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don’t know who I am
So let me go
Just let me go
Let me go
The apocalypse had been a huge one - the biggest one since their battle with the First nearly five years ago. For the first time in years she had actually worried if she’d make it out alive. She knew she was good, but there was usually luck on her side, too. Her luck was bound to run out eventually. She had been living on borrowed time ever since Willow had brought her back.
It wasn’t fair to Jack though. She was tired of lying and hiding a huge part of who she was. If she died at the hands of a demon, all Jack would get would be whatever trumped up excuse her friends would give him. He would never know the truth of how she lived or how she died.
How could he claim to love her if he didn’t fully know her? Granted he was clueless to the other half of her life - she had gotten better at hiding the signs. But still, he never found her behavior odd or questioned her violent nightmares.
Maybe it would be for the best if she just ended the relationship now, before she got in too deep.
*********
And no matter how hard I try
I can’t escape these things inside
I know, I know
The problem was, that it was too late. Jack was already in over his head. He knew that his life would be empty without the energetic blonde by his side. They meshed better than he and Sara ever had. She read him better than anyone and knew when to push him and when to hold back.
No. Losing her was not an option so what did that leave him with? He could quit his job. Retire for real and just enjoy the time he had left. That idea was almost as ridiculous as leaving Buffy. He still had too much to offer and he enjoyed what he did. Plus, no matter how hard he tried, he would resent her for it somewhere down the road.
That only left two other options - to continue as things were or find a way to tell her. He had already decided that things had to change so it was down to how to tell her.
*********
When all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows
Who knows
It was too late for Buffy, though. Her heart and soul had chosen Jack for better or worse. She was tired of making sacrifices for her calling and she refused to let Jack be the next victim. It was time she fought tooth and nail to keep the man she loved. She deserved it. She deserved him.
Could she really tell him that she was kind of like a superhero protecting the world from the forces of darkness? He was military. They weren’t exactly known for being open minded to weirdness, and the Initiative didn’t count. They had been designed to handle demons.
There was the distinct possibility that he’d think she was crazy and leave her. It was a risk she was willing to take. She’d rather him know the truth and leave her than to continue living like this.
***********
You love me but you don’t know who I am
I’m torn between this life I lead and where I stand
Jack was fairly certain that he’d never get Buffy the necessary clearance. She didn’t hold any valuable information or abilities that he could use as an excuse. That meant he had to let her “find out”. He’d have to give clues and hope she’d figure it out on her own. Despite her seemingly airheaded personality, she was really quite bright.
His friends would never believe that he’d let that happen, however. They knew he was a stickler for the non-disclosure rule and would never let anything slip. Perhaps he could start mumbling things in his sleep...
*********
You love me but you don’t know who I am
So let me go
Just let me go
She was going to have to tell him something. It had been a long week and a half apart and there was no way she was going to be able to be that close to Jack and not touch him. It was just not physically possible. He was going to see the wound and want to know what happened. There was no way around it.
How was she suppose to explain vampires and demons to him? Every time she had done the explaining thing in the past, the person had at least witnessed something or been involved somehow. Jack was going to have to take her word for it. Maybe she could take him patrolling one night...
********
You love me but you don’t
You love me but you don’t
You love me but you don’t know who I am
Oh who was he kidding? There’s no way she’d believe him even if he told her. She’d just dismiss him as a crackpot and leave him. That was almost as bad as him leaving her. There was no easy answer to this problem. He was stuck and there was no one he could turn to for help.
If only Buffy was here. She’d be able to weasel the information out of him. Torture from the enemy he could withstand, Buffy’s pout he couldn’t.
********
You love me but you don’t
You love me but you don’t
You love me but you don’t know me
Straightening her shoulders, and strengthened by the resolve that what she was about to do was the right thing, she walked up to the house she lived in with Jack. Buffy was not going to let this man go without a fight.
She opened the door to see him staring pensively into the fire. Her heart fluttered slightly as it did every time she saw him. He looked up at her and she was astonished by the amount of love for her swimming in his brown eyes. It was now or never.
