AC's Story
Not Quite Right
I never felt "pretty" for as long as I can remember. In grade school, I was always taller or chubbier than everyone else. I was "the big girl", the girl who never had the boys talking to her, the girl that always stood out just a little bit. I was the girl who tried to wear the normal cute clothes like everyone else, but got teased because they looked stupid.
Once I got to high school, I dressed like a punk, hiding myself in huge baggy jeans and huge sweatshirts. No one noticed my shape- it was completely hidden underneath. I even had a boyfriend- a very good looking, popular boyfriend- who fell in love with my personality. For the first time in my life, I felt like I somewhat "belonged", like I was "normal". After 6 months of being together, it finally fell apart. My style changed- I was no longer into the baggy clothes. Although I was not technically "overweight", my 5'8, 160 lb body looked huge compared to all the skinny little girls in my school.
Sophomore year, I attempted to dress in more form fitting clothes. All of the guys either made fun of me or dated me because they thought I was easy. I went out with any guy who paid attention with me to boost my non-existent self esteem, and I began to feel like I had before- out of place. I decided to do something about it- I ate a healthy diet and worked out 4 times a week. Over four months, I lost 20 lbs the right way. At 5'8, 140, I had a nice shape and I looked healthy. People told me I looked great- but I still felt inadequate compared to all the other skinny girls. I maintained my weight of 140 until my junior year- when all the trouble started.
My boyfriend's ex girlfriend had come over to his house while I was there, bragging how she lost weight and how small she was now. Seeing this, I felt extremely jealous and afraid that he would want her back, now that she was skinny. Once again, I felt inadequate and out of place. I decided I wouldn't eat--it was the only way I could actually be thin. In one month, I dropped 15 pounds. I now weighed 125, which seemed finally to be "average" to me. I continued not to eat, finally dropping to 119. I am not a naturally skinny person- my cheeks were sunken in, my ribs and hipbones protruded, even my knuckles stuck out. I finally felt like I was "normal", while everyone was telling me I looked sick. I didn't care- I was finally "average."
After being like this for months, one day I broke down and ate almost an entire box of cereal. It felt so good to eat--I immediately began to put the weight back on. I felt like such a failure- like I was letting an accomplishment go to waste. A month later, I refused to eat once again. I barely lost any weight, but I felt like I was doing something to control my weight, and that even if I weighed 138-140, I would someday become thinner if I continued to do this.
I remember the afternoon when this happened. I went to exercise, and I came home practically dead. I was constantly freezing, I was always crabby, and I was always depressed and tired. I broke down and began to cry with my mom, telling her I needed help, that I couldn't do this anymore.
I have been healthier lately- I eat a balanced diet. I still shudder when someone tries to make me eat pizza or a burger, thinking of the possible consequences of all that greasy food entering my system. I am not happy with my body image, for today I weigh 148 lbs. I doubt I will ever be happy with my body, and it's a constant day to day struggle. Not a day goes by when I dont wish I was thinner, or that I could eat like crazy and still be skinny. I have the energy to exercise and I am not always tired, which is a plus. However, once this disease plagues you- it's there for life. It doesn't just go away. There are many days when I feel like I should skip a meal, or like I am eating too much, and that I have failed. On these days I try to tell myself that my health is more important than losing those pounds- although deep down I don't really believe it. I wish we could all accept eachothers individuality as beauty, and not the amount that is seen on the scale.
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Email: rakastaa21@aol.com
