From Anonymous 1
I was fourteen years old. Most of my friends were starting to wear make-up and talk about boys. They tried different hairstyles, painted their nails, and talked on the phone as much as possible. I did all these things, too. I wore the make -up and tried the hairstyles. I gossiped for hours and painted my nails. But one thing separated me from all of my friends. My secret.
I had been dieting for a while. Two of my best friends had gone on this diet with me, but they had fallen off track long ago. I had the strength and the will power to continue. I could do it. And that's how the obsession began. I started with anorexia. I could go so long and not eat. I remember the strength and the discipline I felt when I saw other people eat. I would make my favorite foods, and when I didn't taste it at all, I was excited because of my discipline. When I saw other people eat it, I was thrilled because of my strength. Food and the fear of it consumed me.
This continued for nearly a year before I began the bulimia. Throwing up was much easier for me. I could eat when I was in a situation where food could not be avoided, and then I could throw it up. No one knew. It was my secret.
After I lost some weight, a teacher became concerned. Counseling was ordered by my school counselor. Thus began my long journey to find a counselor I could trust and work with. I went to many.
Today I am nineteen years old. I am at a normal weight and have been in recovery since I was seventeen. However, I have recently relapsed, and I believe it is far worse than ever before. I am anorexic again. I talk to a counselor I love very much, and she has helped me more than anyone. But the eating disordered mind is much stronger than one would ever imagine. It's like I have an inner dialogue- two voices inside my head, constantly battling. I have a logical, rational voice that knows that I need to eat to sustain life. I also have the eating disordered voice that says, "Don't eat...you don't deserve to." And many times it wins over the logical voice. Many times, I listen to the eating disordered voice just to hush the logical voice. I never eat. My diet consists of cigarettes, mints, and water. I never have energy. I am losing weight at an ever increasing rate. I know that I will not live if I continue to do this. But I don't have the strength, the energy, or the will to stop. I started this to gain control of my life; I now have less than I started with. I am defeated.
From WM:
Best wishes, anon1. You're not alone.
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