EllieKat's Story
My Story
Food has been my drug of choice for god knows how long. i look back on my
life (all 17 years of it) and all i can see is food. i was probably a coe
(compulsive overeater) for atleast 4 or 5 years before i began to realize
it, sometimes i even wonder if it was just something i was born with, a
gradual disease that always exsisted and just snuckup on me slowly. at
first, when i heard about eating disorders, it didnt even register that i
had one. all i could think was how great anorexia and bulemia sounded and
how embarassed i felt for any coes. it wasnt till i began dieting that i
really realized how addicted to food i was, and how seriously i really did
have a problem.
once i came to realize that i, myself was a compulsive overeater...i flipped
out. i HATED myself. and so began my spiral downwards in the web of
screwed up eating.
i began reading everything i could on eating disorders, i got every magazine
article and watched every tv show or movie. i was OBSESSED!
i started starving myself. determined not to give into food. food became my
worst enemy...and yet remained my best friend.
i starved till late afternoon, sometimes even dinner time, then binged all
night. it was a horrible cycle. i remember all the nights i cried myself to
sleep, out of guilt and pure pain (from being so full). just praying to god
i wouldnt puke on my bed room floor.
this continued for a long while (a year or so) till i finally gained the
'courage' to make myself vomit. once i did it once, i was hooked, and have
been ever since.
ive conitued like that for atleast the past year. i have ocassions where i
'succeed' in starvation, loosing lost of weight very quickly, only to start
the daily starve-binge-purge cycle again, gaining all the weight back.
i feel so confused and lost. torn between the diets, obsessive exersizing,
rediculas rules and rituals, binging, purging, diet pills (lax and
duretics), and faint but ongoing desire to just be healthy.
many people now know of my 'problem'. ive told a handful of close friends
in despreate, but failed, attempts at getting help and getting better. also
my mother found my 'secret' during a frantic search of my room to discover
what had happened to her once 'happy little girl'. she sent me to therapy
and put me on 'happy pills' but after only month i lied my way out and
fooled everyone into thinking i was better. i was ashamed, embarrased, and
nothing was helping anyways.
i feel like im at my wits end. i often wish i would just keelover and die
and get it over with, ...or that some how i could get really sick that way
the world would finally be able to see the pain and endless daily hell im
in.
but no such luck.
im stuck here, wondering how to get out....if ill get out.
i wish that i could go back to that happy little girl i once was, and just
shake her and tell her to reach out for help then before it got so out of
hand. i wish i could show her the hell her 'perfect solution' (starving,
puring, and pills) really was and is. i wish i could show her what it would
do to her.
but it's too late.
and still....i find myself exactly like her.
despite all this, i still feel that maybe, just maybe, if i purge or starve
enough, somehow it will make it all better.
it makes me sad to think that there's others like me out there. sad, and yet
comforted too. i wish i could give every single one of you a hugh and make
your hell go away...but i cant. i cant even fix my own.
so i geauss all i can do is send my love & luck to you all, and hope that
maybe reading this has helped someone in someway.
.....and just being able to share my own story, has helped me too. just
sharing it makes me feel less lonely in all this.
*hugs to all*
love and luck,
~ellieKat
(ps. if youd like you can email me at:
no1_nowhere_gal@hotmail.com)
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