Elvira's Journal 1
January 15, 2000
I think I've reached the point of ultimate desperation. The strangest thing
is I don't feel desperate, I feel in CONTROL. How bizarre is that? After
reading the "Anorexia As Is" site I see how this feeling of control
compensates for the chaos in others as well. I don't feel depressed or
focus solely on my hideous body anymore. Now I am consumed with what I WILL
look like when I reach my goal, when I lose the weight. In the back of my
mind I know there's something terribly wrong with that and I wonder how it
is that we KNOW we are being irrational and self-destructive yet proceed
into the depths of hell anyway? Still, knowing this doesn't make me want to
back out now. I've made up my mind and have made a startling realization:
it's either kill myself if I can't lose the weight or kill myself trying.
This has never happened before, by the way. What I mean by that is I've
never fallen so hopelessly into the trap that I am finding myself
rationalizing what I am doing on a long-term basis. On some level I'm
scared of what I'm doing but I transcend it for now and tell myself there
is no fear. Deep inside I know there is. I've always had a weight problem (
a serious weight problem, brought on by traumatic events, low self-esteem,
and the feeling that I had no other way to cope than to gorge) but I've
never considered going to such lengths. Now I consider anorexia as a
serious option and, once again, the voice in my head tells me it's wrong.
Something else that's strange: I've read on this site how the voice tells
you you are doing the right thing when you starve or purge. The little
voice in my head tells me it's wrong to starve and purge. Something tells
me that I'll develop an "Ana" someday, too, not that I'm looking forward to
it.
What is most bizarre about all of this is that I'm not scared to feel
hungry. I'm not scared of maybe ending up in the hospital with serious
complications at this point because I keep thinking I can control
everything and that I won't ever let things get to that point. I don't even
think I'm scared to die anymore. I see all this as my final quest, my last
great journey by myself, my last chance and I've already started. All of
this is new territory to me (i.e. I've never reached such a level of denial
and kept it up for such a long period of time) and there's something oddly
invigorating about taking my life into my own hands in such a way. Maybe
I'm confusing fear for this invigorating feeling (?) I keep making
reference to how strange all this is because I keep thinking that I SHOULD
feel depressed, I SHOULD feel desperate and hopeless. The thing is, I feel
fine today, not nearly as hopeless as I have been feeling for the past few
months, barely able to function in my day to day life. Maybe I feel as
though I have nothing left to lose anymore. I just need to get through
today before I worry about the rest of the days ahead!
This has become my final descent into hell.
Love,
Elvira
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