Elvira's Second Journal
January 16, 2000
I want to share something I did yesterday. I had
planned to go grocery shopping, pick up some fresh
fruit and skim milk, etc., but I decided to edit my
shopping list that I had made a week ago and it ended
up looking like this: "multivitamins, facial cleanser,
Diet Coke." So much for buying food, I guess. It gave
me pause for thought when I read what I had crossed
off my shopping list. Against my better judgement I
decided not to buy the healthy stuff yesterday. I had
decided a couple of weeks ago that I would at least
TRY to get something healthy into my daily allowances,
just to help in keeping up my immune system, etc. But
when it came time to head out to the supermarket I
couldn't bring myself to buy any of the food on my
list and now I feel ashamed of it and scared of what
this might mean. Has this illness taken such a strong
hold on me that I won't even buy food I know I can
eat, food that fits into the pitiful allowances I've
made for myself every day?
I am completely aware of the fact that what I'm doing
to myself is going to hurt me but I don't care
anymore. I could see that as strength, as control, but
I really know it's an illness. Still, like I've said
before, knowing the truth doesn't stop me. I know I've
been talking about how strange and bizarre all this is
and when I say that I don't mean that anyone who takes
this path is strange or bizarre! What I mean is that
these feelings scare me somewhat and that it's strange
how I KNOW that what I'm doing is going to hurt me but
I plod ahead despite that fact! How I can be so fully
aware of what I'm doing and know it's wrong yet
CONTINUE to do it just makes my head spin.
I also deleted the bookmarks in my Netscape browser so
that no one will be able to see that I've been so
consumed with losing weight, not that there's anyone
around these days to see. I've pretty much isolated
myself from all my friends. They think it's personal,
that I just don't want to be around them but the truth
is I find it easier to be alone. That way they don't
know what I'm doing to myself. That way I don't feel
any pressures to eat when we're all together and
they're pigging out on junk food. I know I've hurt
them by not spending time with them but I feel that I
NEED to be alone right now. I don't want them to know
what I'm doing. Perhaps I'm selfish (?) All I know is
I feel that I really need to be alone right now. I
also don't want my mother to see what I've been
reading on-line when she comes to visit. I'm a
university student and I live alone in my own
apartment, away from my hometown and my parents come
to visit sometimes. My mom uses my computer when she's
here and I wouldn't want her to see the sites I've
been visiting. I don't want her and dad to know. I
don't want them to get worried.
I had a rough night last night. I actually binged and
it's been a LONG time since I've done that. I'm not
sure what brought it on but I felt awful. I shovelled
the food in and I felt terrible once I had finished. I
considered eating more but I realized I had no food
left in the apartment and I was going to call and have
some take-out delivered. But I didn't and I'm so glad
I didn't. I felt better once I had ejected the
contents of my stomach into the toilet, like I've done
so many times. That's the first time I've forced
myself to vomit in a long time. I had told myself I
wasn't going to do that anymore, that I could control
what I was putting into my mouth. I felt much better
afterwards, though. It felt like I had gained some
control over my bingeing, although I feel ashamed
every time I force myself to purge, like it's
something terribly bad or sinful. I'm not sure why I
feel that way, though.
However, today's another day for me to get through. I
would consider it an accomplishment if I could get
through today without eating, or at least staying
within my caloric allowances without bingeing/purging
because I hate the feeling I get when I binge and then
throw up. The good thing is I don't do that much
anymore, hardly ever.
I'll just have to see how the day progresses.
Love,
Elvira
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