Elvira's 3rd Journal
January 19, 2000
I decided I was going to get some help for my eating
disorder. I saw my doctor and explained the situation
to him and he was compassionate, gave me the
understanding face and everything. The truth is I have
symptoms of a hormone imbalance that may have caused
me to gain a large amount of weight (that I have been
unable to shed!) a couple of years ago. So, because of
this I have to get all sorts of tests done, have a
complete physical, etc. I'll also have to see nearly
every health care professional in the city to get
help, according to my doctor.
I'm starting to regret ever telling him what was going
on but I was at the end of my rope. After writing for
the AAI site I was able to see the words that
expressed my feelings and it proved to be confirmation
that I have some serious problems. Reading the other
contributions on the site also acted as a wake-up
call, I think. So, I went to see my doctor and spilled
my guts. I've been meaning to do it for months. I've
made appointments and just didn't show up or cancelled
them. I couldn't bring myself to go through with
sitting in front of doctors, psychologists, etc.,
trying to explain how I feel, going on and on and on
about myself and my problems. To tell the truth, I
hate doing that. I hate sitting there and droning on
and on about what's going on inside. It's gotten to
the point where I hate the sound of my own voice if
I'm talking for any extended period of time.
But I took the jump, after nearly talking myself out
of it, and went to see the doctor. Now I have to face
a session with him every week, and possibly future
sessions with a dietician, endocrinologist, and my
psychiatrist (mental illness here...manic depression),
sitting there and going on and on about myself. I'm
beginning to regret my decision to get help because of
that.
I also regret what I've done because I feel like I
could have been stronger. I didn't want to ask anyone
for help. I don't want to lean on anyone, ever. I
always think I can do everything by myself. I wanted
to control the food that goes into my body by myself
and do it my own way. But I couldn't do it and I broke
down and asked for help. I know it's a step in the
right direction, what I've done, but somehow it feels
like a mistake. I feel as though I shouldn't have told
the doctor, that I should have kept it to myself and
kept going, kept starving myself. He said it took a
lot of courage to come and see him. He told me that
I've already taken the first step in beating this. Did
I really make any headway, though? I can't help
thinking that I could have been stronger somehow, if
that makes any sense. I know it's irrational but
that's how I feel.
And tonight all I wanted to do was put my head in the
toilet and vomit, cleanse myself, rid my body of
everything I have put inside today. I don't want to
eat anymore. It's getting harder to eat. I feel like
if I start to eat normally again I'll fail, I'll gain
weight and I'll be back where I started! 95% of me
doesn't want to see my doctor again, to cancel my
appointment for the physical in a couple days. I had a
moment where I thought maybe I could beat this but now
I don't know if I can and I want to back out of the
deal I made with the doctor. What am I supposed to do?
Love,
Elvira
elvira_lives@yahoo.com
From WM:
You are so brave, Elvira! I wish you all the best. Have patience with yourself. You're awesome!
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