Frogg42337's 4th Journals
February 7, 2000
7:00pm
to the anonymous world,
Welcome, It is my pleasure to introduce you to my world of self-loathing, anger, fear and hiding. It's a great pleasure to maintain such a sense of anonymity while simultaneously venting my feelings and what not.
I have come back to my little black world to play again. toying with the idea of recovery left little to be desired and seemed to offer nothing but the same old pain but with a more intense anguished feeling. Vaguely i remember the power i had before the thought of recovery crossed my mind, the incredible strength i felt and the success i had in hiding my "secret" accept from those whom i chose to devulge it too, although i later learned a hard lesson...no one is to be trusted in that world. I made a vow a week or two ago...to return to the harsher reality that disguised the pain.
There was so much I'd forgotten in just a few short months of absence from dear sweet ana. I had an incredible since of power i rediscovered. The feeling of successfully denying myself something i never deserved in the first place. Ana's voice and promises are now better than i remember...congradualatory remarks for self-imposed deserved (according to ana) pain. That wonderful emptiness that eventually fades until you are numb. I trust ana, she will take care of me and love me bind me and hold me up when i fall. Who else is there to do that>? I'm too needy for a person to handle so i rely on ana. Ana's promises have been kept.
The tears i've shed, however weak they make me, have drained me of energy, broken me down a little further much like reality. Anna promises everything will be made better some how she'll fix it all. I believe her now. All of this is deserved and as soon as i find the strength nothing will touch me, I just have to don the mask and no one will know what's wrong. Enough's enough huh?
9:30
I'm tired now....exhausted would be a better word. Ana's emotional and physical high somehow faded tonight rather quickly. Perhaps it's because of how sick i've been or maybe all the stress. I wish there was someone here. I find that maybe ana is not quite enough. In my self-absorbed, uncaring nature i find i would love nothing more than to throw my troubles to someone else. Now is the time i so often long for someone physical to hug me and love me enough to say everything's going to work out. Perhaps providing an illusion but ana provides no touch voice and promise maybe But as bad as things have been i need a hug yet there is no one. So typical for me. I'm alone...just me and ana. if i must be alone then take me away there's nothing to hold on to I want to fly away.
Frogg
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