MH's Story
My story has never seemed to me what you would expect from someone
thats anorexic, if there *is* anything you can expect. I've never been
fat, was never teased about my weight or anything like that. I'm 5'2 and
1/2 and weighed between 110-115 lbs. Not fat. I'm not sure why I got it
into my head that I had to be perfect. I just felt this huge need to
have the perfect body, to be the prettiest. I've never really stood out
in social circles, I never was the flirtiest girl or the one that got
the most guys. I dont think I'm unattractive, and when Im in a fairly
good mood I sometimes even think I'm pretty. But that only left me more
perplexed about things. Why didn't guys hang around me and want to talk
to me like they did the other girls? I came to the conclusion it must be
my weight. I don't mind my upper half, I even like my stomach. It was
the lower half that was the problem.My legs always looked way to thick
to me. they always have, even before I decided I had to lose weight.I
know it sounds so typical of a girl to think her butt is too big, but I
did, silly or not. Still do. It doesnt help that my best friend is
super-skinny. Her clothes always look so good on her, and when we go
shopping for swimsuits, she never has to worry about how big her thighs
look or how wide her hips were. I always did. It was enough to make me
cry often, wishing I never had to worry about what I wore. I don't know
how many people make a conscious decision to become anorexic, but I did,
sad as it sounds. I didnt know much about it, it just sounded like an
easy way to lose weight. Sure, don't eat anything, no problem, right?
wrong. I've gone through periods of not eating for the last 3 years or
so. Never long enough to get myself into the hospital, I didnt have the
willpower. I love to eat, I love food, it's hard for me to turn down
pizza, or chocolate chip cookies, or whatever else it is that's tempting
me. But I have to turn them down...I just have to. I feel so guilty
afterwards..like all those days of not eating go right down the drain
after I eat just one little thing. My mom never notices when I lose much
weight, probably because I'm not big to begin with. I'm glad though. I
don't want her to make me eat. I promise myself that when I lose enough
weight that I look good to myself, I'll stop. But I worry that I won't.
It's getting out of control right before my eyes. When I find myself
daydreaming about food..feeling tortured at lunch time watching everyone
else eat while I have nothing..it's so hard. I just want to be perfectly
happy with myself, for once. Maybe it's shallow to want to be perfect.
But i've never been perfect at anything,ever. Always average, never
great. For just once, I'd like to look myself in the mirror and like
what I see. I want to try on swimsuits and buy them because they're
cute, not have to put them away because they make my legs look thick. My
boyfriend is so incredibly sweet and loving, and tells me all the time
I'm beautiful, which helps. But he lives 4,000 miles away and he can't
really do anything to help. Besides..I'm not really losing weight to
make anyone else happy. I want to make myself happy. He's said to me
before that it seems like my weight is the most important thing in my
life. I told him it wasnt, it was just the only thing I could do
anything about. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Thats what you
*always* hear about anorexics. How they control their weight because
they cant control anything else. I never thought I would really become
anorexic,I just figured I wouldn't eat for awhile and it would be okay.
I hope this all stops before its too late. I dont want to go to the
hospital, I dont want to get so thin it makes me sick. I just want to
have a nice body. I'm not sure whats going to happen to me, but Im glad
I got the opportunity to share my story. I'm sorry if the way I wrote it
was a little confusing, emotions just keep coming out randomly, its hard
to organize them sometimes. I hope someone might read this and know they
aren't alone.
If anyone would like to talk about things, even things not
to do with anorexia, please e-mail me at: mornglry@charlotte.infi.net
-MH
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