Njeri's Story

Hi there. My name is Njeri. Here is my story, I don't at all mind you sharing it with everyone else on your site. After all, it is those stories that have given me the strength to do this. Here goes nothing:

Where do I begin? Everything, everyone makes it seem soo easy. Like "15 days to lose that weight" "five minute ab workout" not forgetting all those self help books that tell you to say "I'm worth it, I Love myself" Please tell me, how does someone who has spent a hell of a long time denying themselves of life's vital substance, tell themselves that they are worth it? Maybe worth all the pain and misery we put ourselves through. Enough of all this negative attitude, my therapist would be appauled!!

I can't say when it started. But somehow it did. I guess I always was kinda troubled. I mean I slashed myself once, thought about suicide, but I just choose the worse path. I gave in to this monster and welcomed it into my mind. Ofcourse, I've only realised this recently. I mean this monster was my friend, my only friend, until now. It was the only one who understood my need to be thin, my fear of food, my need to be perfect. And you know why it understood me so well?? Cause it took over me, it commanded me. But I never was really fat. Infact, I wasn't even chubby or plump or anything. I was normal body weight, ate normally...well, ate alot of junk food and all, but isn't that normal for a teenager? So my body shape was round, not figured like most, I never really noticed. I mean, I live in Kenya, Nairobi. (ppsssstt who ever heard of an African becomming anorexic???). Anyway, somthing just clicked, I looked in the mirror, saw the fat round girl looking back, stamped her ugly and food slowly became my enemy.

You have to understand. I live in a family where I can't get away with being anorexic. Our traditions are soo different to the Western stuff. I can't get away with excuses for not eating. That made the whole 'game' alot harder. But this inability to waste away because of the control my parents have and everything about the way I live, saved me.

In school it was easy. I mean this is a boarding school where no one really cares. It's simple, just don't go to meals. Period. I only wish I had thought of it earlier!! With all the sports, cross country running one term, swimming the next....it was an anorexic's heaven. Almost.Yeah, the weight did fall off, not drastically, but definetely noticably. I was at 45 kg's at my lightest (around 100 lb). Definetely not light for an anorexic, right? But you have to understand. Over here it's impossible to become some skeletal figure, well in my family it is. The arguements I would have with my mum on the table were horrible. And even though I may not have been physically looking like an anorexic (sure, I was very thin, but not hospital thin), mentally I sure as hell was (an still is). Anyway, all I can say is that I lost control. That feeling of power and control wasn't there anymore. It became all a viscous cycle, and I realised that I wasn't winning. So I wrote a letter to my mum. Part of me wished that I never had written that letter. I mean, sure I would have been in hospital by now, but it sure as hell seems alot easier. My mum reacted like any parent would. She absoulutely flipped and didn't know how to handle anything. She still kinda doesn't.