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(sung to the tune of the beverly hillbillies)

HERE'S A LITTLE STORY OF A MAN NAMED JOHN,

A POOR EX-MARINE (WITH A LITTLE FRACTION GONE)

IT SEEMS ONE NIGHT AFTER GETTIN WITH THE WIFE

SHE LOPPED OFF HIS SCHLONG WITH THE SWIPE OF A KNIFE

(PENIS, THAT IS)(RODEOED, FILLET-IOED)

WELL, THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW THERE'S A GINSU BY HIS SIDE

AND LOREANA'S IN THE CAR TAKIN' WILLIE FOR A RIDE

SHE SOON GOT TIRED OF HER PURPLE-HEADED FRIEND

AND TOSSED HIM OUT THE WINDOW AS SHE ROUNDED OUT A BEND

(CURVE, THAT IS)(PRICKER SHRUBS, WHEEL HUBS)

SHE WENT TO THE COPS AND CONFESSED TO THE ATTACK

AND THEY CALLED OUT THE HOUNDS JUST GET HIS WEENIE BACK

THEY SNIFFED AND THEY BARKED, THEN THEY POINTED "OVER THERE"

TO JOHN WAYNE'S HENRY THAT WAS WAVIN' IN THE AIR

(FOUND, THAT IS)(BY A FENCE, EVIDENCE)

NOW PETER AND JOHN COULDN'T STAY APART TOO LONG

SO A DICK DOC SAID, "HEY! I CAN FIX YOUR DONG"

"A NEEDLE AND THREAD'S JUST THE THING YOU'RE GONNA NEED"

THEN THE WORLD HELD ITS BREATH 'TILL THEY HERD THAT JOHNNY PEED

(WHIZZED, THAT IS)(STITCHED SEAM, STRAIGHT STREAM)

wELL HE HEALED, AND HE HARDENED, AND HE TOOK HIS CASE TO COURT

WITH A COCK-EYED LAWYER (SINCE HIS ASSETS CAME UP SHORT)

THEY CLEARED HER OF ASSAULT, AND ACQUITTED HIM OF RAPE

AND HIS PECKER WAS THE ONLY THING THEY DIDN'T SHOW ON TAPE

(VIDEO, THAT IS)(UNEXPOSED, CASE CLOSED)