No Reason To Go On

By fallenange13

For a long time, the only reason I stayed alive and with my parents was because of TK. He’d always looked up to me, and I felt responsible for taking care of him. My mom and dad were always busy, trying to make ends meet, and they didn’t have a lot of time for him. I didn’t mind, because I was old enough to know that my parents were working to keep us afloat, but TK didn’t understand that. He thought that they just didn’t love him, so in a way, I was the only person he had.

We lived in pretty rough neighborhoods for awhile, and I always had to show the kids around there that I was every bit as tough as them, and that anyone who messed with TK would get the shit kicked out of them. I helped my parents as much as I could, trying to keep our bills low, spending as little money as possible.

I had to, you see, because it was my fault that there wasn’t enough money in the first place. Just after TK was born, I was in an accident. It roughed me up pretty bad…I don’t know what happened, exactly, and my parents won’t tell me. So, anyway, the medical bills were really big, and mom and dad spent most of their money fixing me up. We’d been living on a tight budget, but it all worked out okay up until then. I did something stupid, I remember that much, and then there was an accident. All I can recall is…a lot of blood…and my head hurt, and my body…everywhere, I was screaming for help and for someone, anyone to make the hurt go away, but…no one came, and… and that’s all.

So, after that, I just tried to help out as much as a kid could help. I guess you could say that I had to grow up early, so that TK would have an okay childhood, and my parents wouldn’t have to worry as much. I was just a kid, but I was one of the toughest kids on the block, that’s for sure. Everyone was afraid to mess with me, except for the older kids, of course. I cried sometimes, at home, because I wanted to know what had happened to the carefree days, but when TK looked at me with his eyes, so like mine with their azure color, yet so different with their innocence…it made it all okay, because I knew that TK adored his big brother, and that he needed me to protect him.

I felt like running away a lot of times. My mom and dad tried their best, but their tempers were short, and I knew that it’d be a lot easier for them without me around. I had to go to school, I was a growing kid…I knew TK needed me to stick around though. So…even if when we got older, he hated me because I was part of that old life, even if my parents yelled at me because of my low grades, it would be okay because I had been here for him. At one time, his eyes shone with happiness when his older brother walked into the room, and my name was the first word off his lips. When he had nightmares, he called out for me, and when he had dreams, he told me all about them.

I take comfort in the fact that at least I made it easier for my parents to work, without them having to worry about TK getting beaten up, or hurt in the streets that we lived on. But, still…sometimes at night, when I close my eyes and everything’s quiet, I’m brought back to the fights in the street, the threats I was forced to give…everything comes rushing back.

I hated it, being one of the toughest kids in the neighborhood, because it meant that I couldn’t make friends, I couldn’t run out and play with all the other children in the street, and I couldn’t show anyone friendship. I had to be cold and uncaring, something hard for a kid who’s used to being friends with everyone and everything.

That’s right, I was the kind of kid who liked everyone, and who everyone liked. Hard to believe, isn’t it? After all, I turned into the sort of kid who practiced beating things up as a pastime. I had to, don’t you see? I had to learn to defend myself and TK. I had to uphold my pride, to show them that Yamato Ishida wasn’t someone who got trampled over and tossed aside like an old doll.

As for school…it wasn’t that I was stupid or anything. It’s just…the things we learned, I had trouble getting them to stick in my head. I didn’t understand what it mattered, in a world where one wrong move could get you killed. I didn’t, and I still don’t, understand what five little letters on a sheet of paper had to do with staying alive and healthy. But I attended school anyway, because I had to, and because my mom and dad wanted me to get a good education, and I wanted to give them at least some sense of accomplishment in a world that seemed to hate all of us.

Finally, things changed. My dad got a decent job, and we moved to Heighton, where I was the happiest I’d ever been in a long time. There were kids my age, I could make friends again! But…I was so used to being the tough kid, no one really ever wanted to play with me. So I accepted it, and just played whenever I could, spending the rest of the time with TK.

When my parents split up, it was like the world fell down around my ears. They’d always loved each other, but it was just too much. Too much had happened, and they couldn’t deal. So my mom whisked TK off, and I stayed with my dad.

I almost tried to commit suicide, once. I figured, what’s the point? My parents don’t need me anymore, and TK sure as hell don’t need me, and none of the kids around here like me, so…But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t end my life. TK’s face, crying for his oniisan, just kept coming into my mind, no matter how many times I told myself that he didn’t need me anymore.

So I hung in there, because I knew then that at least one person needed me, and I couldn’t let him down. I went to school, I brought home decent grades, and I built up a reputation. I never, ever wanted to be lonely and feared again. I built up this image, this picture that was supposedly me. I was a loner, a tough but cool guy. A lot of guys wanted to be like me, and a lot of girls just wanted me. It didn’t really matter to me, one way or another. As long as I was surrounded by people, as long as I wasn’t feared and alone, I would be okay. I would have to be, because TK needed me like that.

I could have cut myself off from the world. I can’t count the times I was offered drugs, one thing or another. I tried them, once, only once. They take you away from your problems and hand you a new set, you know. I never did it again, because TK needed a big brother, not some idiot on drugs, and my dad needed a son, not a kid high or stoned on whatever’s around and available. The offer of escape, no matter how temporary was so tempting…every time I was hurting, every time I remembered being alone, not having any friends, the tantalizing promise just hung there.

But I stayed strong, and clean, because he relied on me so much. He needed me to protect him from the kindergarten bullies at his school, needed me to tell them to quit picking on my baby brother. I was the only person he could count on, even though my mom had more time now. He was just closer to me is all, nothing against my mom.

In a way, I relied on him, too. Whenever I was feeling depressed, or I hated my life, just knowing that someone relied on me kept me going. It made me feel special, the only way I felt unique, actually. That my little brother needed me, just me, to protect him and be there for him, made me feel like I was more than just an ex-bully, more than just some dumb kid off the streets who can’t seem to do anything right.

That’s why I was so upset when TK said that he didn’t need me to protect him anymore. It took away my only accomplishment, the only thing that, I felt, made me special. If my little bro didn’t need me, I might as well have committed suicide or started doing drugs all those years ago. He doesn’t need me, and the Digidestined sure as hell don’t need me…after all, my crest won’t even glow. The Crest of Friendship…huh! Yeah, right. You’re about 8 years too late for that one.

I don’t even know why Gabumon’s staying with me. He deserves someone’s who’s worthy of his crest, not some loser like me who never seems to get anything right. For once in my life, I thought that I had something other than being TK’s big brother that made me special. Wasn’t I a Digidestined, the holder of the Crest of Friendship? But I guess I was just being stupid again. Who am I kidding? I’m just some punk kid who had a bad childhood. I don’t fit in with the rest of them, and definitely not with Tai "I know how you feel" Kamiya.

I was telling the truth when I asked him how he could know how I feel. How could he? He has always been someone special. The captain of the soccer team, Kari’s big brother, the kid everyone at school likes. He’s never had to be the tough kid of the neighborhood, never had to isolate himself to keep his younger sibling safe.

That’s why I had to leave, you see? Because I wasn’t anything special anymore. Because I’d only stuck around for TK, and he didn’t need me anymore, and I couldn’t face them, any of them, after my crest wouldn’t glow. I don’t know what I’m gonna do now, but all I know is that my little brother doesn’t need me anymore. That’s all I care about.

They don’t need me, so I’m not going to stick around. I’d gotten used to making myself as small a nuisance as possible, back then. I guess I never really dropped the habit. Now that TK doesn’t need me anymore, and the rest of them don’t need me anymore… After all, they have the 8^th child, don’t they? They don’t need some loser whose crest won’t glow, whose Digimon can’t…But I’m getting off track.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m in Digiworld, after all. There’s nothing FOR me to do. I guess…I guess I’ll just wait for something to happen. I won’t last forever, at least. I’ll just concentrate on staying out of everyone’s way, and see what happens to me. That’s what I’ve always done, anyway.

But…whatever happens to me, I just hope TK’s alright. I won’t be there, and…there I go again. He doesn’t need me, no one does. This is ironic. I have the Crest of Friendship, and here I am. Friendless in the night, without any purpose to speak of.