ok, i'm dealing with some self image issues. i know i have broad shoulders and a boyish figure. meaning i have no waist. i also have little in the way of boobage. that doesn't really bother me at all, if they were bigger they'd just get in the way of my yoga. i can't imagine doing the plow pose with big breats, they'd fall in your face. anyway. although i know that there's nothing wrong or unattractive about a waistless figure, i'm bugged about it. i want to have a real waist and a flat tummy. because i'm straight up and down, despite the fact that i'm in great shape, i don't really look it. and my shoulders don't help; they just make me look more masculine. and no, i don't look like a man, but i do have a lot in common with the gangly figure cut by tall boys in their late teens. the difference being between my legs and on my chest.
i think i'm hoping that by describing it i'll come to terms with my shape as merely that- a shape, the particular form taken by the container for my self. not something moderately unfeminine (not that i've ever really wanted to be feminine per se, but looking it wouldn't hurt) that impedes certain trains of thought. in a world without mirrors, i would behave as though i had no worries about my shape, happy in the knowledge that i am impeccably healthy and my body is strong and does what i want it to.
and despite the fact that mirrors kindly inform me that i have nice hair ("a plain girl is told she has nice hair" - uncle vanya, chekov (i think)), they also show me the box that is my torso, and the coathanger that is my shoulders. i know that no one who interacts with me disects my figure as i do. but cognitive knowledge isn't terribly effective when i'm looking at my reflection wishing i looked different and knowing that short of major surgery it's not going to change.
oh well. i'm not serene enough to accept the things i can't change, at least not right away, i guess. or rather, not right when i'm having trouble with my self esteem anyway.
to be clear, i think i'm cool. as do my friends. and i wouldn't change my personality at all. but i've been rejected. sort of. as a significant other type person, at least. i think what it it is that i *know* i'm a cool friend, i have cool friends to prove it (cross ref, see katy sunny keats et al). but i've never had life experience to support the hypothesis that i'm attractive as a more-than-friends type of way. not since high school, anyway. and while there are some things in life one has to take on faith, that's hard for me. i'm working on it. being an idealist i've gotta believe in romantic love and all the crap that goes with it (and i'm enough of a cynic to call it crap).
it's tough, i guess. in the meanwhile i should be grateful for all the amazing friends and life that i have. asking for gravy is almost an affront to my meat and potatoes. but you know, as you age, sometimes you want more complicated flavors.
just don't get me on my ice cream metaphor.
i can't wait to see katy. she'll straighten me right out.