i'm full of crap.
(it should be mentioned at this point that i am more than a little ill - the managers practically booted me from the store today i look so pale - and therefore overly emotionally vulerable, being as i don't have anyone looking after me).
he wrote me a note. half for work stuff and half as a thank-you note for his xmas present. an excerpt: "... thank you for my Christmas gift. It was thoughtful, unexpected, wholly uneccessary, and thoroughly appreciated. Thanks, Mike"
i don't really know what to make of that. but here's how i'm feeling it. we're not friends, he doesn't really feel comfortable talking to me, and he wants me to go away. whether any of that is true or not, it's how i feel.
let me dwell a little more in the drama of it. i feel completely alone. and not in a brave, joan of arc kind of way. i have no mission. i feel like no one around me really cares about me, moreover, i don't feel that anyone should, really. i am very close to hating myself right now, which is unusual. usually, despite the world and many of the people in it, i'm confident of my own worth. right now, it's like i don't matter. i mean, i know my family loves me, and i know katy loves me. i can't for the life of me imagine why. it's not that i'm bad or evil or anything. but i'm awkward, and needy (much to my chagrin) and self-centered and absolutely uncool. i've spent my life hiding in books and school, living vicariously because i'm too chicken shit to risk getting hurt myself. i don't believe i'm worth loving or even liking because i put such a burden on whomever i'm friends with to help me have a life, i badger them to compliment me so i don't have to try and find my worth on my own. i'm a nag, i can be judgemental, which in turn makes my a hypocrite. i'm not funny so much as mean and sarcastic, i have no real talent for anything. who would like me? who would waste their time? whenever i get something i want in my life, i find something wrong with it, so i'm perpetually disatisfied. there are days when i feel content just to see the sun. but today is not that way. today the sun is not shining for me. it's shining on people with good and generous hearts, people who want to change the world for the better, people who just can't help being a little bit of sunshine themselves. i, on the other hand, feel like some black hole, sucking up any good around me and twisting it and distorting it in my image.
i can't hear myself when i say how much i have going for me and how lucky i am. i am somehow incapable of appreciating all the wonderful things in my life right now. which just heaps more onto my own unfairness, a horrifying thing to see in the mirror, when all i want to believe about life is that in the end, it's fair. that people can do the right thing. i don't really know what's right anymore. what i'm supposed to do. i don't remember ever being this upset about a guy, i don't want to believe i place my self-worth externally. i'm the only one i have to live with, really, i should be the only one who has any say in how i feel.
it's probably only because i'm sick and moody that i feel so without hope, i'm at a confusing point in my life, trying to find a place where i can settle down and live well. i'm so scared of making the wrong choices. and i'm scared that my choices don't matter. i'm scared that i'm not worth the air i breathe. i'm scared that i'll never be in love because i don't deserve it. that the timing will always be off, or the people will always be wrong. i want someone who can give me a hug. now. and there's no one here. there's no one here to help me take care of myself, and i feel so damn lonesome.
i don't know what to do.