basically, it's all about perspective. what i need to remember is that feeling guilty and not enjoying all the gifts the lord has seen fit to give me don't make anyone else's problems go away. but see, when i'm happy and enjoying myself, maybe i can brighten other people's lives a bit, right? and also, i'm never going to be able to figure out why i'm here on the planet or what exactly i'm meant to do. that's one of the mysteries of the world. the only thing i can do is enjoy where i am and what i'm doing. because what, really, is the other option? waiting for a theoretical other shoe to drop? if the world is going to end or not, there's nothing i can do about it. there are plenty of philosophers who have come to these conclusions before me, and i don't think i'm espousing some great eternal truth or anything. i'm just reminding myself. there are little things to enjoy. and it's way more fun to listen to the little voice in your head that's saying 'damn i look hot in these jeans' than the one that says 'no one else seems to think so'. you know? why is thinking i'm shit anymore logical than thinking i'm fantastic? my mom says that i'm letting myself buy into all that bible belt, woman's place in the home crap. as if i can't be a complete person all on my own because some jerry falwell type thinks women are high level pets made for churning out babies and can't be content unless they're fulfilling their genetic role. f*ck that, i say unto him. i'm not here to be someone's lapdog, cook, or upstairs maid. i'm here for me. and no, i'm not perfect. part of the ride that is life is learning to laugh at my own foibles and try to grow from them, not hide and hope no one saw me mess up.
yeah, there are going to be days when i feel crappy and days when i feel great. but when it gets to the point that i begin to doubt my own worth? unacceptable. my friends don't waste their time on crap. my mother doesn't raise crap. god doesn't breathe life into crap. life can be hard and unfair. but it hasn't been hard or unfair to me. and rather than cowering under the proverbial bed waiting for the roof to collapse, i need to get out there and enjoy what i have while i have it, because otherwise, what's it for?
oh the long and bitter road to self-actualization. hehe.
i'm going to get my hair done today. why? because it's my life and my money and my hair. and if nothing else in the world is true, i know that i have nice hair. which is, well, nice.
everyone try not to mood swing too much.
love and kisses.