He saw the dejection in her eyes
before he dumped the rest of the chat logs in the disposal bin.
He'd hit home, for sure. But Heiko Kimura will never understand
how much she hurt him.
"…Nobody’s that good a liar." She even tried to smile! The gall of that woman…
He gave her a venomous glare.
"You are," he drawled with obvious contempt in his
voice.
He closed his cabin door gently, conscious of the curious eyes from passerby's and resisted the urge to slam it into oblivion. I wish it were this easy to close out my pain, he thought. Even with the eyes of the real world behind his door, he didn’t permit himself the pleasure wallowing in his misery. He had to stay in focus.
It happens to anyone.
Get a grip and get on with your life, Tim.
He smiled bitterly. Who am I kidding?
He plopped down on his bunk and quickly stood up as if stung. He looked over to see what he sat on and saw the remote to his player. Sighing, he placed it on his bedside table and reclaimed his place. He kicked off his shoes and lay down the bunk; his hands clasped behind his head. He was about to close his eyes when heard a gradual thrumming of a bassline.
"What in the-"
He looked up, and saw the lights of his player illuminated. It was playing those old songs back from the 90's. Savage Garden's "To The Moon and Back."
He remembered picking it up on his shore leave, in one of those record bars where hard-to-find albums were sold. After listening to the first few songs, he bought it straight away. Tim wasn't too discriminating about music, but he appreciated a well-composed song. He was so bowled over the thought that it relayed the same sentiments he had for Kimura. It was the track "Truly, Madly, Deeply" that first won him over. He thought that whatever feelings he was too timid to admit to her, the song said it all.
"…I love
you more with every breath
Truly, madly,
deeply do
I will be strong,
I will be faithful cause I'm counting on
A new beginning,
a reason for
living
a deeper meaning
I wanna
stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe
with you in the sea
I wanna lay like
this forever
Until the sky
falls down on me….
…. the tears of
joy for all the pleasure and the certainty
And we're
surrounded by the comfort and protection
Of the highest
power
In lonely hours
The tears devour
you…"
He had to smile as he played the song in his mind. "I can't believe I had some sort of theme song for almost every moment with her," he mused aloud.
Tim realized that there was. When
"I Want You" took over the speakers, he fervently
wished that he will finally meet her face-to-face, because he got
all excited at the mere thought of that moment. He so wanted to
meet this woman, who, despite of the shortcomings he had (or so
he thought) was kind and understanding enough to talk with him.
…. Ooh, I want
you
I don't know if I
need you but
Ooh, I'd die to
find out…
Then there was "Universe." He was so attracted to the sensual rhythm of the song, so mystifying and provocative, evoking the inner desires he denied himself of. That, he imagined then, was how "the night" should have been: slow and unending, a moment suspended in time exploring each other. Then a stray thought crossed his mind that just doused his fervor: or it just could just be another night of multilingual sweet nothings if his conscientious, bashful side got the better of him.
The sentiments made him smile. It had to. Those were the best moments of his life after being lost for years. He had someone he could somehow come home to, and voice out his grievances. He thought that he had found the one who could make him happy.
Kimura was the one to whom he turned to. She was the one he thought who could understand. She was the one that made him smile. And she was the one whom he could get lost to.
And Tim gave her the best he thought he could give: his heart.
And all that was left of it was blown out of the water.
And then the smile died.
When he met her, he thought that she would be the one who could break through him. She did, because he let her in. He thought that she could redeem him from his emptiness and solitude. To him, she was his salvation.
Was I wrong!
His dark thoughts were slowly
infiltrated by the bassline of another intro. He listened
intently. It was the other half of the track he hardly ever
listens to. It came as no surprise that he didn't set the player
in sequence. After a few lines, Tim recalled the title to be
"Break Me, Shake Me."
I'd never thought I'd
change my opinion again
But you moved me
in a way that I've never known
You moved me in a
way that I've never known
But straight away
you just moved into position again
You abused me in
a way that I've never known
You abused me in
a way that I've never known
A breath escaped his lips. The
song descended to its first step to madness.
So break me, shake
me, hate me, take me over
When the madness
stops then you will be alone
Just break me,
shake me, hate me, take me over
When the madness
stops then you will be alone
He assumed a sitting position
when the song began. Upon listening intently to the words, he
slowly sank to the floor. Then everything came back to him. All
those moments that he laid himself vulnerable to a woman whom he
thought he knew. He cursed himself for being so naive and being
so predictable....
So you're the kind
who deals with the games in the mind
Well you confuse
me in a way that I've never known
You confuse me in
the way that I've never known
Tim thought that he would explode
with the anguish bottled up inside him. His head was swimming
with interweaving images: their first meeting, her manipulations,
those endless conversations over the Internex, Kimura passed out
in his arms, when she was squeezing the life out of him as she
unfolded her treachery…
So break me, shake
me, hate me, take me over
When the madness
stops then you will be alone
Just break me,
shake me, hate me, take me over
When the madness
stops then you will be alone
He wanted to scream, but all that
came was a choked sob. Why am I doing this to myself? She is
not all too damned innocent of all of this! His hands flew to
his head, clapping them to his ears to block out the voices that
was threatening to make him insane.
"I could help
you," and what do you say?
"'Cause it's
not free, baby, you have to pay"
You just keep me
contemplating
That your soul is
slowly fading
WhywhyWHYWHY!
He grabbed a book from his side table and was about to throw it at the player. And what? trash a perfectly expensive electronic equipment for that wretched tramp?? It fell limply at his feet.
"You were right all along,
Tony," he whispered. "You were right."
The End?