25+ Ways not to get invited back to church
(And I would like to thank Reverend Harlequin and the COJ for this one....)
1. During Communion, when handed the wafers, declare loudly: "No thanks, I'm a pagan."
2. When the minister invites the congregation to pray, pull out a drum and start chanting.
3. Make change from the collection plate.
4. During the sermon, keep raising your hand.
5. Keep referring to Jesus as "God's Bastard".
6. Get "the spirit". (This works best in Catholic or Southern Baptist venues)
7. While the rest of the congregation is singing "Michael Row the Boat Ashore" try to start rounds of "Row, Row, Row your Boat".
8. Ask if the communion wafers come with dipping sauce. If anyone answers "No" pull out a bottle of honey mustard.
9. Vomit.
10. Ask to sing in the choir. Pick your nose the entire time.
11. Bring the Sunday comics section. Read during sermon. Laugh out loud.
12. Same as #11, but add Silly Putty.
13. Keep bringing up the Spanish Inquisition.
14. Wash your hands in the holy water fount. (Hint: Bring your own soap)
15. Fart. Loudly. Blame it on the little blue-haired lady sitting in front of you. Repeat often.
16. Tarot readings during Sunday School.
17. During the invitation, step into the aisle, walk halfway to the front. Stop. Change your mind. Turn around and run, screaming frantically, until you're outside.
18. After every hymn, during that brief moment of silence, sing "Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits!"
19. Bring pets.
20. Pretend you don't speak English (or whatever language is predominant)
21. Think ballpark. Think food vendor. Become an entrepreneur.
22. Pretend you're at a concert. Bring a beach ball.
23. Come in on crutches. Halfway through service, stand up and shout "I'm healed!!" Fall down. (Optional: Repeat several times)
24. Bring your own incense.
25. Have a pizza delivered. Ask for extra wine during communion.
26. Attend services in drag.
27. Keep asking, "Where do the goats get sacrificed?"
28. Two words: Super Soaker.
