ADJUSTING
Chapter Seven
Shopping and Sobbing
March 27, 1913
"So Jack really wants to have a big
wedding?" Rose asked in disbelief.
"Yeah. I was surprised, too! He wants to
have the floral arrangements, the cake, the whole works. But we decided we want
to have it outdoors. Oh, I’ve always wanted an outdoor wedding, Rosie!"
Lynn seemed to be glowing with delight. Rose had never seen her so excited,
save the day she announced her engagement.
Rose laughed at her friend’s joyous behavior.
"Well, if it makes you happy, I’m happy for you." Of course, ever
since she had been forced into her engagement to Cal, Rose had not been too
crazy about large weddings.
"So, will you come with me today? I was
planning on shopping around for a dress. Then we could get yours, too."
"Oh, that sounds like a lot of
fun." Rose smiled. When she was in Paris, she had just loved spending all
of Cal’s money on innumerable dresses when she knew she would probably never
wear half of them. It was quite amusing to seem him frustrated like that…but of
course he would just keep his mouth shut and say they looked lovely.
"So, get dressed and let’s go!"
"Okay, okay," Rose said through
giggles. Lynn was like a little girl who was about to open the presents under
the tree on Christmas morning.
Both Lynn and Rose dressed and met downstairs
a half hour later. They set out on their search for the perfect dresses.
As they walked down the street, they saw what
they were looking for. Right ahead was Catherine’s Formal Wear. It would be the
perfect place to find what they were looking for. Upon seeing the store, they
both eyed each other and started to laugh. The just continued walking until
they reached the store.
As they opened the door, a bell rang and a
woman in her mid-thirties appeared from a back room. She looked like a very
kind woman--soft, flowing blond hair and piercing green eyes. "Can I help
you ladies with anything?" she asked politely.
"Well," Lynn spoke up, "I’m
looking for a wedding gown...and a bridesmaid’s dress for my friend here."
"Oh, well, congratulations," the
woman said to Lynn. "I think we can find something here you girls would
like. First of all, let me introduce myself. My name is Catherine Spangler, and
I own this store."
Rose and Lynn introduced themselves and shook
Catherine’s hand. "So, do you have any idea on what you’re looking for,
Miss Zigfield?"
"Oh, please, call me Lynn. And actually,
I’m not looking for anything in particular. But if it helps any, my fiancé and
I plan to have an outdoor wedding. I guess something flowing and very spring
looking would be nice. Does that help any?"
"That’s a very common
request...especially around this time of year." She smiled. "I have
several dresses that would fit the description you’re looking for. Follow
me." She led Rose and Lynn to a corner of the store where there were many
wedding gowns of various sorts on display.
*****
An hour later, Lynn had found what she considered
the perfect dress. The bodice was a beautifully beaded satin that shimmered in
the light. The rest of the dress was rather plain, just a smooth white satin
with a few glass beads sewn on here and there. It may have been plain, but was
by no means any less beautiful.
Now it was finally time to find Rose’s gown.
"Well, Mrs. Dawson--"
"Rose," she told Catherine.
"Rose...you can choose any of the white
or cream dresses we have here, and it can be dyed to whichever color you would
like. And as I told Lynn, any size adjustments I will do free of charge. If
you’ll excuse me for just a few minutes, I have some paperwork that needs to be
done as soon as possible."
"Of course. Take your time. I’m sure I
will find what I’m looking for," Rose said honestly. Since it was not her
wedding, she was actually starting to enjoy the planning process.
Rose knew exactly what color she wanted it,
but she needed to find the dress first. Catherine politely excused herself and
left the two girls to find what they were looking for.
After searching for about a half an hour,
Rose and Lynn narrowed it down to just three gowns. One simple gown, a slightly
more elaborate gown, and one very elaborate gown...they were all so beautiful
that Rose couldn’t decide which one she liked better. "Well, what color do
you want it, Rose? Maybe that will help you decide."
"Well, I wanted lavender. Would that be
all right with you?"
Lynn smiled inwardly. That was her favorite
color, also. "Oh, that would look illustrious on you! I think it’s a lovely
idea." Lynn looked at the three dresses, trying to decide which one would
look better in lavender. "Well, I think this one would look best,
then." She pointed to the slightly elaborately decorated gown, and Rose
smiled.
"I think so, too." With that said,
they had finally finished their dress shopping. Lynn decided upon not having
any other bridesmaids, so that made things a bit easier. Jack, too, said that
there would just be the best man--his best friend, of course.
They brought the gowns they had chosen up to
the front of the store, where Catherine was sorting through a stack of papers.
"Find what you’re looking for?" she inquired.
"Yes," they both replied. After
explaining what they wanted done to each gown, they finally left the store,
satisfied and relieved they finally had that business over with!
"What do you say we go home, Rosie? I’m
pooped." Lynn exhaled deeply and sighed.
"Yeah, sounds good to me. I have a date
with John tonight anyway." When she said this she sounded very melancholy.
Lynn was just about to ask about her obvious saddened state when Rose suddenly
perked up.
Rose saw a bookstore across the road and
smiled. She wanted to get a new journal since she had packed up her Dear Jack
journal for good. The bookstore would be the perfect place to find it.
"Can we just go into the bookstore for a minute? I need to pick up
something."
"Sure." They were in and out within
a matter of minutes. By the time they reached the house, it was nearly four in
the afternoon. Lynn was feeling incredibly tired and went to take a short nap
before dinnertime. As for Rose, she went upstairs to write down her thoughts.
Dear Journal,
Oh, my dear God, what have I done? What
was I thinking? What kind of a slut have I turned into? I don’t know what to do
now. I shouldn’t have pushed myself on John like that. Things will never be as
they would have been, now. I feel so guilty for what I have done. I love John,
yes...but we still shouldn’t have...
John has asked me to dinner to talk about what
happened the other morning. I feel terrible for what I plan on telling him, but
I must...this is making me incredibly depressed right now, so I think I’ll end
here.
Rose
That Night
Rose’s food sat untouched on the plate before
her. She poked at it with her fork as she stared out the window to the
beautiful night cityscape. She tried to concentrate on anything but
John...anything that would let her restrain her guilt. And her tears.
"Rose, are you all right? You seem so
distant," John commented on Rose’s far-off gaze.
"I--uh…no. I’m fine. Thank you." As
she said this, she still looked out the window.
"Rose, this is as uncomfortable for me
as it is for you...please don’t keep your thoughts to yourself. Now, of all
times. But I must admit, I think we both agree that what happened was a
mistake. Am I right?" John looked into her eyes, searching for that
reassuring gaze that would tell him all was well.
Rose turned her head to look at him, and what
he saw was not what he was longing for. Her eyes were filled with pain and
sorrow. My God. "Rose, what’s wrong?"
"I-uh...I’m not sure how exactly to say
this."
John could not possibly see what was
bothering her. His expression was completely perplexed. "Rose, whatever it
is, you can tell me. I hope you know that."
Rose tried to speak, but the words would not
come out. Oh, God...please give me the strength to do this. She took a deep
breath and choked back tears. What she was about to say was going to hurt them
both immensely. "John, I can’t see you anymore."
Rose tried to speak, but she began to sob.
She tried to speak through them. "I just have…so many plans and I...I need
to live...on my own for a while...I-I’m going to...to…San Francisco for a
while...and after the other day...when we…uh...I just realized that...how close
we are...and...and I’m so sorry, John...I...I…I don’t want it to be...be this
way...and--"
John was half in shock and half in distress.
Without actually realizing what he was saying, he blurted out, "Marry
me?"
Rose’s eyes stung with pain as she looked
into his. John’s expression was serious. Had he heard what she said?
"John...I can’t...I--"
"We can move to San Francisco together.
I’ll take care of you and Hope...and--"
"John…please...you’re…you’re making
this...this more difficult...than…than it already...is...I can’t marry you,
John...I just can’t..." Rose’s sobs took control of her body now. She put
her hands over her face to muffle the sound.
John felt as if his heart had been ripped
from his chest. He tried to breath, but his breaths came shallow. He fought
back his tears as well as he could, but a few stray tears still managed to
escape. "Come on. I think it’s best if we head home. Is that okay?"
Rose nodded her head, her hands still
covering her face.
Both were silent as they walked to the car
and rode home. There was so much to say, and yet...so little to say.
John escorted Rose into the house. She felt
as if she were torn in two. Part of her wanted to stay here with John--marry
him and live happily ever after. But she knew that it could not be that way.
Not now, at any rate. Maybe if it were under different circumstances...but it
wasn’t, so there was no use thinking of what could have been.
"Can we talk?" John asked quietly.
Rose just nodded her head, still unable to
find the right words to capture her emotions. John walked into the sitting room
and Rose followed him. He closed the door quietly behind them.
Rose sat down on the couch, and John sat
beside her. Pain was very prominent in both of their eyes. Neither wanted it to
be this way, but it had to. "Rose, I love you so much. Don’t you know
that?"
"I love you, too, John. But you have to
understand. I’ve never lived on my own. I’ve never had a life of my own. I need
to prove to myself that I can make it by myself." Her eyes began to mist
over, as did his. This time there was no hiding it; John let his tears flow
willingly now. Rose continued to speak, but John was so submersed in his own
grief he could not think straight. He loved Rose and he wanted for her to be
happy. So if San Francisco was what was going to make her happy, then he would
have to be happy for her. Even if he was not happy for himself.
"Excuse me," John said, his voice
cracking as he said it. He stood and walked out the door without even saying
good-bye. Rose broke down in a violent sob. As quick as she could, she ran up
the stairs and to her room, nearly tripping over her dress twice during the
process.
As she ran into her bedroom, she closed the
door behind her and sank to the floor. She lifted her head ever so slightly and
saw a beautiful bouquet of pink roses on her nightstand. She curiously walked
over to where they lay and looked at the note card. Rose was written on the
envelope. It was John’s handwriting.
Her hands trembled as she opened the envelope
to reveal a card with a beautiful sunset portrait on the front.
She opened the card and read the touching
note inside.
My dearest Rose,
I just wanted to tell you how much I love
you. You are my only, the sunshine of my life, you brighten my day and cure all
my illness. I have never loved a woman as I love you. The feeling is so
indescribable...
Yours always,
John
The pain ripped through Rose’s body and soul.
He must have had someone send them to me while we were out...and now look
what has happened.
Rose once again erupted in sobs that shook
her whole body and tore at her heart. She lay on her bed and cried herself to
sleep. She had just lost the only other man she had ever loved.