ALL THE WAY
Chapter Twenty-Four

August, 1932

"Give me two cards."

Michael nodded at Jillian's request and handed her two new cards before taking her old ones. He set the used ones in a pile and then studied his own hand. Jillian was such a good poker player that it scared him, and he wasn't sure whether to take the chance of raising her or not. The worst part was that she had been acting since she was about five and she could always pull off the perfect poker face. He looked up at her, but all she did was raise one eyebrow as if daring him to try and beat her. And dammit, whenever she did that he knew he had to go or else he would look like a chicken.

"I see your two, and raise you two," he said hesitantly before throwing two beads in the pile between them on the porch floor. Neither of them had any money, none that they would bet with anyway, and it had been years since anyone had seen the poker chips, so the beads were the best they could do for right now. None of the colors had any real meaning, it was just the number of beads you were willing to part with. Whoever had the most beads at the end of the game one, and usually the loser had to do something stupid like run down the street screaming at midnight.

While Michael was forced to sit uncomfortably wondering if he'd lost or not, Jillian was having a great time. She knew she had won; the only person that ever beat her was her father. Only occasionally did Michael come up with a better hand. It made her feel special to think she could beat her brother at something besides grades, and could beat him at a man's game at that.

The stakes were raised a few more times before Jillian finally called him. It was beginning to get dark and was getting hard to see the cards. Besides, she was getting bored. Michael unwillingly threw down his cards in front of her and Jillian grinned inwardly. She had won again! She was about to announce her victory when she heard some yelling behind her. Quickly, she turned around and saw Matthew bounding up the porch steps with a paper bag in his hands. She stuck her tongue out at Michael, showed him her cards, and then motioned for Matthew to come over.

"It’s so hot out, what are you guys sitting around here for?" he asked as he sat between Michael and Jillian. He looked at the card hands lying there and then without skipping a beat said, "Ah, beat you again, did she, Mike?"

Michael didn't say anything, just rolled his eyes and pushed the pile of beads over to Jillian, who gave him another cheeky grin. "Yes, and he's very upset about it too," she went on in a mock-British accent, winking at Matthew. "And to why we’re sitting out here; the younger three have the chicken pox so the entire house is stuffy. Michael and I had them already, so don't worry. But believe me, it’s cooler out here then it is in there. Plus, they've taken over the house, not to mention the radio. There are blankets and water glasses everywhere."

"And," Michael cut in, "Dad won't let us have the car and neither of us have money to go do anything. And the beach is really crowded."

"So we're stuck here for a while," Jillian finished off as she pulled the cards together and set them in a neat stack.

"This is ridiculous," Matthew said as he rolled his eyes. "Why don’t you go play baseball or something? I'll come with you. It’s not like I have anything better to do either."

Michael stood up and brushed the dirt off the back of his pants. "We would, but it’s the god damn city championship whatever this week, all the fields are either closed or being played on." He groaned in what the other two assumed as frustration and then started walking off. "If you two find something to do call, or come get me. I'll be inside."

Jillian cast a glance at Matthew and smiled. "I'll play you," she offered holding up the deck of cards and the beads. Matthew shook his head. He wasn't about to lose to her again, and then opened up his brown bag. He pulled out two cokes and handed one to Jillian before crunching up the bag and throwing it about fifty feet to where the garbage cans sat on the curb. He missed, though, and gave Jillian a sheepish grin as he stood up and mumbled that he would get it later.

"I only had two," he explained as he moved onto the porch swing. "I didn't want to give it to you with Michael right here."

Jillian got up as well and sat down next to Matthew as he gently started rocking the bench back and forth. "Thanks," she mumbled before she took the cap off and had a swig. It had been a while since she had anything like this to drink. It tasted really good. Especially since it was so hot.

"Did you get your schedule for next year yet?" she asked after they had been sitting there for a few minutes.

Matthew shook his head. "Nah, how about you?"

"No," Jillian replied. It was quiet again after that. Neither of them had much to say. When you grow up with someone the way the two of them had, you get to a place where conversation just isn't necessary all of the time. Besides, neither wanted to talk about school, they still wanted to savor the last little bit of summer that was left to be had. In just about a month they would be back in the classroom. There was no use ruining the rest of the precious freedom with talk about what lay ahead.

Jillian finished her soda after a while and set the bottle on the porch. She stretched out her legs and sunk down on the bench. She so desperately wanted to go do something. But nothing she could think of worked. The car thing was really getting to her to. They had ridden their bikes so much over the past years that the only things really left to see required a car. She wasn't satisfied riding up and down the block all day long anymore. She sighed heavily and closed her eyes. All around her the sounds of the summer twilight filled her ears; crickets, frogs, voices and shouts from the nearby beach, the waves rolling in and out, and the occasional dog bark. It was kind of nice, she had to admit.

All at once Jillian heard a car start to honk. It sounded really close, so she opened her eyes and peered in the dim light to the street.

"Hay, you guys wanna come?" Grace shouted up at them. She was standing up in the edge of her dad's car, top down, honking the horn endlessly. Beside her in the passenger seat was another kid that they all knew, Grace's once in a while boyfriend, George Walker. He gave a kind of a wave and then motioned for them to come over.

Jillian couldn’t believe it, actual freedom! She bounded up from the chair, yelled inside to her parents that she was leaving and then ran down the front steps toward the car. Matthew was right behind her, except that he had to run across the street to let his folks know where he was going. While he was doing that, Jillian jumped into the back of the car and gave a little squeal.

"How did you get hold of this?" she breathed in amazement. Bryan Foster was very hesitant about letting anyone drive the car but him, which was one of the reasons they never used it.

Graced laughed, "I know crazy isn’t it." She gave then a wicked grin. "Parents are out of town and they took the other car," she laughed again. "Daddy said we could use it in the event of an emergency...and well, I think dying of heat and bored to death qualifies as an emergency. And, the best part is, Meaghan is stuck baby-sitting the other two. Oh," she sighed happily as she turned back around and started the engine again, "how I love being the middle child."

Matthew had climbed in during the conversation and sat down next to Jillian in the back. He gave George a friendly slap on the back and then leaned back against the seat, putting both of his arms out and resting them on the top of the bench, mumbling something about the good life. They were off in a matter of seconds, speeding down the street. Jillian was laughing wildly as she reached up her hands and let them hang in the air. It felt so good to have the wind rush past her face. The entire day had been forgotten, now the only thing that mattered was the sheer fact that they were here. She felt so free that it was scary.

They zoomed through town, picking up some drinks on their way--George's treat, of course--and finally out of city limits, going south towards some undiscovered beaches they had found a few months ago. No one really said anything during this time, it was perfect. The only thing that was really missing was some music, but that couldn't be helped.

It was dark by the time they reached the least-populated beach they could find. Grace parked the car on the sand and they all sat there talking for a while, watching the ocean and letting the breeze blow over them. And before long George he suggested that he and Grace take off for a walk. With strict instructions not to touch anything, Grace let George pull her along towards the darkness, leaving the other two behind.

Jillian rolled her eyes and sunk down on the bench, leaning her head against the edge of the car. She had given up trying to mother Grace when she had been about two.

"Get your smelly feet away from me," Matthew complained as she stretched out her legs toward him. Her feet were nowhere near him, of course, she was short enough to get away with lying in the back of the car, and so she just stuck out her tongue.

"What do you suppose they're doing?" she asked point blank, changing the subject.

Matthew snickered. "Hitting the sheets," he said, "except, without the sheets. So hitting the sand."

"C'mon Matthew," she chided him. "Don't say things like that."

"Like what?"

"Hitting the sheets. It’s not appropriate."

Matthew chuckled at Jillian's little statement. She was talking about being appropriate? He knew at least a dozen things she had done that would make even a sailor blush. "Okay then, fooling around."

"Matthew..."

"Doing it?"

Jillian gave him a look hat told him he better shut up, but he couldn't resist one last one. It was just so easy to freak Jillian out.

"Having sex?" he asked slowly.

"Argh," Jillian shouted in frustration. "You're impossible. And besides, I don’t think that Gracie would do that right now."

Matthew just shrugged and run a hand trough his brown hair. It was hard to see him in the dark, but Jillian knew that he had smirk on his face.

"What is that supposed to mean?" she demanded.

"I'm just saying that there are plenty of other people our age having sex." He ignored Jillian's second little look and continued. "And I wouldn't be surprised if Grace went through with it before college."

Jillian wasn't about to admit it, but Matthew was right. Out of the three of them, Grace was the most daring in the sense that if it were offered to her, she would take it. It wasn't like she didn't have any self-control; it was just that it was far less than either Jillian or Matthew. Grace just didn't no how to say no to things like that. It scared Jillian a little bit, just because she knew that it might get her best friend in trouble when she wasn't looking for it. But, like she had said before, she wasn’t Grace's keeper and she could do whatever she wanted.

"You haven't...you know...right, Matthew?" Suddenly Jillian was begging to feel very much like a little girl. If Gracie did it, and she found out Matthew had, then it would be really weird. They would have something in common that Jillian couldn't relate to.

He shook his head and laughed a little bit. "Nah, I've hardly even kissed anyone before." He sighed heavily. "I know a lot of guys who have though." He didn't say anymore after that, just kept taking swigs from his soda bottle. She knew that he knew that she was a virgin, so he wasn't going to waste time by asking.

Jillian nodded softly. She really didn't know what to say. She was relieved that Matthew hadn't, she respected him more now.

"Do you think you will before you're married?" she finally asked.

Matthew shrugged and set his now-empty bottle in the front seat so that he wouldn't have to deal with it. "I have no idea. If I meet the right girl, maybe. But I don’t know. I don't think about it much. I just know that if its right, it will happen."

"Yeah," Jillian mumbled. One again she couldn't think of how to respond. So she just kept quiet and sat there, looking around her at the ocean, then the trees, and then finally back at Matthew. Then she did it all over again.

"You ever think about how it’s going to be Jilly?" His question broke through her thoughts a few minutes later. She gave him a strange look; she didn't really understand what he was saying. "What do you mean?"

"Like, what it will be like when we're all married and such, how our lives will be."

She thought for a minute. "Yes," she said finally. "I think about my husband and my children, what kind of life I'll have, where I'll work. It’s going to be different. I get worried, scared. But mostly I just think about what it will be like if I don't marry. I can’t even see it, being by myself for the rest of my life."

Matthew nodded slowly. "Yeah," he said, "me too."

"Really?" Jillian was shocked. She was pretty sure that boys her age only thought about sex and cars, she never thought they would look into the future. Then again, maybe it was just Matthew.

He nodded again. "Yeah, every once in a while. I picture myself at home with my wife and kids with a nice job. We're happy, we have each other. And there's no such thing as the Depression or government problems." He stopped and sighed heavily. "But its just a fantasy world," he said after a minute, and then he chuckled a little bit.

Jillian was touched. This was a side of Matthew that she had never seen before; he was actually talking to her, pouring himself out to her. It was nice.

"I'm scared Matt," she mumbled softly. It was true. Her generation had never known calmness of any sort. They had been born into a time of war, then thrust into the changing era of the twenties and finally lately, the depression. They had all learned early that there was no guarantee of tomorrow.

"Me too," he admitted.

"What if I don’t get married, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone, especially with the way the world is." She spoke these words with heavy emotion. It was hard to keep from crying. All of it was suddenly very real.

Matthew must have known that she was going to be upset, because he sat up and reached over to pull her up with him. "Hey," he said softly as he pulled her into a hug. "You'll always have me, no matter what."

Jillian laughed tentatively and tired to overcome her overwhelming fear she had right now. She didn't really understand exactly why she was suddenly so scared. She’d thought about it many times before, but now, it was closer than ever, it seemed. It was very real, and very frightening.

"Don't cry," Matthew mumbled softly. He hated it when any of his friends cried, but especially Jillian. He didn’t know why, but he always wanted her to be happy. He couldn’t stand to see her sitting there with angry tears.

Jillian brushed away some of the tears from her face and eventually regained her composure. "I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I don’t know what’s wrong with me." Matthew had moved back against the car, so she leaned back against him and let him hold her from behind. He would have protested if he didn't want her there, so she stayed even after he moved around into a more comfortable position.

"It’s okay," Matthew said honestly. He was just glad she wasn't crying anymore. He'd been thinking about something that might cheer her up. It was kind of stupid, but maybe it would be of some comfort or safety net for her, and him as well.

"Hey Jilly?"

"Yes?" she asked, somewhat aloof. She was looking up at the stars and imagining what only she knew.

"Let's make a pact."

"What?" she was still distant.

"Let's be each other's back ups," he suggested quickly.

She was here now. Slowly she turned around and looked at him as best she could without hurting her neck. "What are you talking about Langston?"

Boy, Matthew sure felt stupid now. She really didn't know what he meant? Dammit, he was going to have to explain it to her. And that made things just that much more difficult and hard.

"You know, like..." he struggled with the right words. "Okay, um, let's say when we're forty and neither of us are married, let's get married."

"Like, you and I? You're serious?" Jillian was a little shocked, and confused.

"Yeah," Matthew said slowly. He was beginning to doubt whether she would like the idea or not. "Is that bad?"

Jillian was staring at him, wide eyed. She couldn't believe her best friend was sitting here offering to marry her if she never did. It was so sweet, and kind of weird. She never thought it a million years that Matthew would suggest something like this to her. It kind of made sense, in an odd sort of way.

"Okay," she said softly. "But thirty-five, I'm on a biological clock here." And then she started laughing.

"Agreed," Matthew said, and then he started laughing with her. He stuck out his hand in front of her and she shook it the best way she could with her back turned toward him. It was agreed.

Jillian sighed and turned her attention back to the stars. It would never happen, she knew that. He would probably find some girl to marry and with any luck, she would meet some man who was smart and funny, and everything else she wanted. She just couldn't see herself married to Matthew. They had grown up together, knew everything about it each other. It would be so weird to kiss or...do other things. In fact, the thought of congenial marital relations with Matthew kind of made her sick. It was Matthew for cripes sake. But it was nice to know he cared enough to offer. Maybe their generation wasn't going to be a total mess after they grew up after all.

It was late when Jillian finally made it home. Grace--who refused to say anything about what happened--dropped her off in front of her house and Jillian waved good-bye as she made up the walk to the front steps. The porch light was on, and as she took off her sand filled shoes, she prayed that the front door was open. She wasn't about to climb through the downstairs window again. Nervously, she twisted the knob. The door inched open and she breathed a sigh of relief. Quietly, she slipped inside and then closed and locked the door behind her. Michael was going to be sour if he caught her, she'd forgotten to invite him to come, so she tip toed around the floor knowing he could hear footsteps downstairs in his room. She'd just have to make up some boring excuse and tell it to him in the morning.

After making it up the stairs, Jillian slipped quietly into her room. It was so hot and stuffy, still, and she immediately went to open the window. A soft ocean breeze entered and immediately Jillian could feel a difference. She quickly changed out of her clothes and into pajamas and then, even more quickly, ran across the hall to brush her teeth and throw some water on her face. Within five minutes, she was in her bed opening up a book and starting to read. It was hopeless to even try and fall asleep without reading, even if she was this tired. A few minutes later though she heard a small noise and turned her head toward the door just in time to see her mother sticking her head in.

"Hello," Rose said quietly and waved.

"Hi," Jillian said back, hoping to God that she wasn't in trouble.

Rose took the liberty of coming all the way in, shutting the door behind her, and then sitting on the edge of her daughter’s bed.

"It's kind of late," she stated. That was just like Rose, hinting that one of her children was in trouble, but not actually stating it. She raised her eyebrows at Jillian, demanding an explanation.

Jillian looked down. "Sorry," she mumbled, "we just lost track of time." And then quickly she launched into more words as to derive her mother from the fact that she was indeed in past curfew. "You should have seen it mom, it was this deserted beach and it was so cool out there, soft ocean breeze and this place that had been shaded all day...it didn't even feel like summer. It was so hot here; we just had to get away. It was so quiet and nice."

Rose smiled and patted her daughter’s leg. "Sounds great. I can’t blame you at all. And by the way, you're not in trouble; I never dock first time offenders. Just make sure you're home on time next time, okay?"

Jillian nodded earnestly. "I will," she promised.

Rose nodded back and then stood up. "Good night, Jillian," she said gently. She started walking toward the door and was almost about to leave when Jillian stopped her.

"Mom?"

"Yes?" Rose turned her attention back to Jillian.

"Can I ask you something?"

Rose shut the door again and returned to her place on the bed. "What is it?"

"Don't get mad, okay?"

Rose raised her eyebrows. She wasn't promising anything. Usually when her children said that to her, it was followed by something bad.

Jillian saw her mother's look and decided to ignore it. She had desperately wanted to know what she was about to ask for a while. And right now, she was just tired and happy enough to go through with it.

"Were you a virgin when you got married?" she asked swiftly and quietly, her head down. She wasn't even sure Rose had heard her until she looked back up and saw her mother, what appeared to be, trying not to laugh.

"Jillian!" she exclaimed in shock, although she had a smile on her face and she was chuckling as she said it. Rose couldn't believe her daughter had just asked that. It was odd. And despite all that, she had no idea how she was going to respond! The truth would raise so many more questions, and lying wouldn't be right. Lying to your children about the existence of Santa Claus or something like that was one thing, but this was totally different. Suddenly another thought entered Rose's mind and she gasped.

"You're not having...sex...are you, Jillian?"

"No, no, of course not!" Jillian exclaimed. She sighed; she knew her mother would probably jump right to that. Ugh, why had she asked this question in the first place? Fix it, Jillian...quick!

"I just wanted to know, Mom. There are a lot of other kids my age doing it, so it got me thinking." There, that was good. Blame the dirty-mindedness on the rest of her peers.

Rose looked relieved and exhaled the air she had unknowingly been holding. She still wasn't sure how to answer her daughter’s question, though. It wouldn't be the end of the world if she told her the truth. But then again, what kind of an example would that be setting? Of course, with the amount of time she was taking to answer the question, Jillian might suspect it anyway.

"Um," Rose struggled with how to say it. She knew she had to tell Jillian. "I was a virgin until I met your father, but not when I got married." Ah ha! Blame Jack. She felt guilty about it, mostly because she had initiated the incident in the back of the car, but at least it made her look like less of a tramp in her daughter’s eyes. Jack would forgive her though, in fact, he might think it was kind of funny. Boys were supposed to have more experience anyhow.

Jillian, to her mother's shock though, started laughing. "Really?" she asked in amazement. But before Rose could answer, she was talking again. "I mean, you and Daddy have always been...you know...just a tad bit romantic with each other. But wow, I cannot believe it. My own mother!"

"Now, honey, listen to me. It was a long thought out decision," well not exactly, but that sounded good, "and we waited until we had known each other a while," another lie, but this was one of those cases where it was okay. Rose reached over and gently placed her hand against Jillian's cheek. "Jilly, we knew it was right. I would like it if you would wait until you were married, but at the very least, wait until it’s someone right. Your father and I knew. And look at us now, still together."

Jillian nodded, she understood. And she'd always planned to do exactly what her mother said. "Yeah, I will," she said softly. "Thank you, Mom."

Rose chuckled and then got up for a second time. "Good night darling," she said again and then started walking out of the room. "See you in the morning! Oh, and by the way, don't tell any of your brothers or sisters about this." She stuck around just long enough for Jillian to nod and then she waved good night and left the room, shutting the door behind her.

Jillian turned off her lamp and then rolled onto her back, staring up at the ceiling. Her own mother, the woman who had tried to influence then with good morals and proper behavior all her life, had not been a virgin when she walked down that aisle on her wedding day. Of course, Jillian wasn't that shocked. Knowing her father and her mother and the way they acted, it had been a pretty good guess that they would have done it beforehand anyway. Strangely though, Jillian wasn't really disgusted or anything. Sure, it was gross if you stopped and thought about it for a while. But the thought of them together like that was actually kind of sweet, in an odd way.

Sighing contently, Jillian rolled over onto her side and closed her eyes. Within minutes she was fast asleep.

Chapter Twenty-Five
Stories