THE CALVERTS
Chapter Eleven

It was not until the next day that John told Rose of his decision. He was sitting at the table in the kitchen, the door open, while she washed the dinner dishes. In the main room, Mary, Nadia, and Christopher squealed with delight at some game, while Allegro lay across the doorway, licking his paws.

"Elizabeth has offered me a job," he told her, "and I have accepted."

"What kind of job?" Rose asked him, looking up from the sink.

"As a manager for Anders. She inherited everything from her late husband, and she is looking for people who can be a bridge between the management and the workers. I have experience both as a worker and as a foreman, so she thinks I can do this."

Rose was silent for a moment. "It’s a great opportunity for you," she said at last, turning to dry the stack of dishes.

"You don’t sound very happy."

"I suppose you’ll be moving uptown, taking your place in the higher social strata."

"I suppose I will...if it works out. It’s too soon to tell what will happen."

"Be careful if you move up in society. It looks so nice on the outside, but inside...there’s a lot of backbiting, snobbery, and clannish behavior. The upper class doesn’t like to let outsiders in, especially new money."

"I hardly think I’ll be moving into the ranks of the upper class."

"You will...financially, anyway. I’ve known you for four years, and if anyone can succeed, it’s you. Just be careful that you don’t forget your beginnings. Many people do...and then they look down on those whose circumstances are humbler than theirs, and forget that they were once a part of those humble beginnings, too."

John considered Rose’s words. He knew that she, like Miriam, had abandoned her upper class life in favor of the simpler, if more laborious, life of the lower classes. He had sensed a growing restlessness in her, a desire to leave the secure life he had built, and strike out on her own, for good or ill. He paid her a decent salary, and provided a home and food for Rose and her son, but he knew that, in some ways, she wasn’t satisfied. Rose wanted to experience all that the world had to offer, and she wasn’t doing so working as a housekeeper and nanny.

"It would mean more money," he told her. "I could hire more help, so you wouldn’t have to work as hard. You would have more time to spend with Christopher, more time to do the things you want."

Rose shook her head. "I won’t be coming with you," she told him. "I lived as a member of the upper class once, and I won’t do it again--not even as a servant." She turned to look at him. "I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, John. I was planning to stay until Nadia started school, when you would no longer need me to watch her. I’m twenty-one years old, and I’ve done little in my life. There’s so many things I want to do before I settle down--travel, see what’s in the world, perhaps start a career. I’ve lived in New York City for four years now, and I lived in Philadelphia before that. Aside from going to Europe a couple of times, and going to finishing school in upstate New York, I haven’t really been anywhere. I have a three-year-old son, but I’m not married, and I never have been. I want more out of life than just domestic work."

"If I were to succeed in this job, and move uptown and hire more staff, you would be in charge of them--running the household, so to speak. You wouldn’t be so much a maid as a manager yourself."

"But it isn’t what I want." Rose sat down at the table. "John, please try to understand. It’s not that I dislike this job, or you, or Mary and Nadia. I just feel that it’s time for me to move on, to find my place in the world."

"And what about Christopher? What will you do with him while you’re making your place in the world?"

"He’ll come with me, of course. He’s my son, and I will do everything I can to see that he is provided for. But I can’t go back to the world I left--not even for his sake. I don’t want him growing up in that world."

"I could refrain from joining the upper class. I never aspired to it, never expected to be a part of it. The middle class would suit me well enough, and Mary and Nadia, too."

Rose looked at him, surprised. "You would do that for me? Give up the chance to be a member of high society?"

"I...yes, I would." John realized that he would give up the power and status that would come with being a member of the upper class, for Rose’s sake. He had come to care for her in the years that she had lived in his household, caring for his daughters.

"Why?"

John looked at her, suddenly realizing he had backed himself into a corner. He couldn’t tell her why he would remain a member of the middle class without admitting his feelings for her. Their relationship had remained platonic over the years, and he had no wish to drive her away with ill-timed declarations of affection.

"Mary and Nadia need you," he told her, knowing that he would miss her as much as they did if she left. "You’ve become like a mother to them."

Rose nodded. The girls treated her as though she was their mother, though they still called her Aunt Rose. Neither of them remembered their own mothers, so far as she could tell, though Nadia still sometimes called out in her sleep in a foreign language, one that she never spoke consciously. Could she leave them, after being their caretaker for so many years?

"I’d keep in touch," she assured him, feeling guilty even as she said the words. Both girls had lost their mothers; Mary had lost two mothers. But Rose wouldn’t be lost to them; she would simply be moving on. She was only a nanny, only a caretaker...but she knew that the girls trusted her, and would be devastated if she left. But if she stayed, her own bitterness toward the life that she lived would eventually drive them apart. This wasn’t what she wanted out of life. There were so many things that she wanted to do, so many places that she wanted to see, and she couldn’t do that if she stayed. But could she simply leave them behind?

As though reading her thoughts, John told her, "They’d miss you, especially Nadia. Mary--Mary is strong. She’s used to people leaving. But Nadia..." He shook his head. "I don’t know how Nadia would handle it."

Rose remembered all too well how devastated Nadia had been by the sinking of the Titanic and the loss of her mother, but she knew as well that being cared for by a bitter, unhappy woman wasn’t the answer--and that was certainly what she would become in time. She would always look at the girls and think of what she had given up for them, of what might have been--and they would all suffer for it. Were they her own children, Rose would have had no qualms about taking them with her as she headed out into life, but they weren’t hers; she couldn’t take them with her, and she knew that John would not give up his career so that Rose could fulfill her dreams.

"Nadia is growing up, John. She’s not a baby anymore. In a few months, she’ll be going to school. She’ll make new friends outside of her own home. She won’t...won’t need me. She’ll have you, and Mary, and...whoever you hire to help care for them. And...and I’ll still be around. I’ll write often, come to visit if I can."

"And they’ll still feel abandoned." John knew that he was being unfair, using the girls to keep Rose with him, but he didn’t want her to leave. He couldn’t bring himself to tell her how he truly felt, but he couldn’t simply watch her walk away, either.

"In time...in time they’ll understand. If I stay, eventually I will come to resent them, to resent the fact that I never even tried to do the things I’ve dreamed of. I would be unhappy, and ultimately, so would they."

"You wouldn’t have to be a nanny and housekeeper. You could do anything you want...establish a career, travel. I’m sure they’d enjoy traveling with you."

"And how would you then explain my presence in your home?" Rose smiled ruefully. "You can explain a nanny for your children, but an unmarried woman living in your home, working for herself? I just don’t think it would work. Especially not with Christopher. I know how people can talk, and it would be nothing short of scandalous."

"You could become my wife." John spoke the words before he thought about it.

Rose stared at him, not quite believing what she had heard. "What?"

"I said, you could become my wife. Then there would be no problem of your living with me, being a mother to Mary and Nadia. It would give Christopher the legitimacy of my name, too--if you wanted."

"John, I..." Rose didn’t know what to say. She had lived with him for four years, had cared for his children--but she didn’t love him in the way he deserved, in the way she had vowed she would love the man she married. She liked him, respected him--but she didn’t love him. She wasn’t ready to love again, even four years after Jack’s death. She wasn’t ready to make the decision to settle down, to stay with anyone for the rest of her life. It would be easy to marry John, and her life would be stable and serene. There would be no struggle, no worry over where the next meal was coming from, or if she had the resources to give her son what he needed.

It would be easy, but it wouldn’t be right. John would be happy with her for a while, and she might even be content with him for a time, but eventually they would come to despise each other. She wasn’t ready to be tied down, and he needed a wife who could truly commit herself to him, as Miriam had. Maybe one day she would be ready to settle down, and marry, and have more children, but not yet.

"I can’t," she told him, looking down. "I’m just...I’m not ready to settle down, to marry. I..."

"You would still be able to do the things you want," he assured her. "Establish your own career, travel...anything you want to do."

Rose shook her head. It sounded so tempting...the ability to do the things she wanted, without having to worry about what the future would hold--but it wouldn’t be right. John was a good man, and she couldn’t use him that way. If she were to marry him now, it would be no different than if she had married Cal--she would be marrying him for what he could give her, not because she loved him. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them, or to the children who would be caught in the middle.

"No, John." She spoke softly. "It wouldn’t be right. I...I don’t love you--not in the way you deserve. I’m not ready to...to love again, to marry anyone. I need to strike out on my own, to see if I can do it, whatever the consequences. Maybe someday, I’ll be ready--but not now. I would wind up hurting you, and I don’t want to do that. You’re a good man, and you deserve better than that." She stood, untying her apron and draping it over the chair.

"Rose..."

"I’m sorry, John. I don’t want to hurt you, and someday you’ll see that I was right." She turned to leave the kitchen, then turned back for a moment. "I will stay until Nadia starts school--long enough to let the girls understand why I’m leaving, and that it has nothing to do with them--or with you. I...I promise to keep in touch, to write often. If I am nearby, I will visit...but I have to move on. I can’t stay where I am, and never know if it was the right thing to do or not. No matter what happened, I would always wonder if I should have gone my own way, and I would wind up taking it out on you and the children." She turned to leave again.

"Rose."

She glanced back at John.

"If things don’t work out, if you ever need help, I’ll be here. You can come back any time, if you need to."

Rose nodded. "Thank you, John. I’ll remember that, and...I hope that life goes well for you, that you succeed in your work--and that you find a woman who will be right for you, who can give you the love you deserve."

With that, she walked out of the kitchen, closing the door quietly behind her, leaving John with his own thoughts.

Chapter Twelve
Stories