EVERYTHING’S NOT LOST
Chapter Fifteen
"I just don’t know what I’m
going to do with you, young lady!" My father sighed tiredly, running a
hand through his graying hair as he continued to pace the carpeted suite.
Of course, it’s past midnight
now—it’s almost one ‘o’ clock in the morning, to be absolutely exact. I’m
exhausted, yet I don’t know how I’ll be able to sleep tonight. When Harry and I
were finally able to part ways earlier this evening, I had been walking on air.
I still am. I think I’m in love. No, no—I know I’m in love. I’m in love with
Fifth Officer Harold Lowe and there are only three people on this ship who
realize that. My father, of course, has his suspicions about my sudden
dreamy-eyed behavior, and I merely know this by all of the questions he’s been
asking. Harry knows it and I know it, and sadly Will realizes it, too. I know I
should be happy about meeting someone I truly connected with, but…poor Will. I
never thought he would think of me that way and…
"Antoinette Andrews, are you
even listening!?" my father practically screeched. No, I’m not. Thinking
back to when I walked back into the suite, it must’ve been 12:30 in the
morning, in the room was my father, pacing like he is now, the Master of Arms,
some officers I’ve never seen before in my life—and Bruce Ismay, with a glass of
brandy in his hand. My father begged to know where I had been, but I hadn’t
gotten a chance to say anything—The Master of Arms thought he should get going
with his group and Ismay started about that silly china again. I was informed
there had been a search for me.
My father had been so worried
about my safety when I hadn’t come back, even for dinner, that he felt the need
to stop everything, start looking for me and wasn’t able to even find me. Ismay
had to need to speak up, saying they had been looking for hours for me—but he
looked as if he hadn’t even lifted a finger. Granted, he was probably more
drunk than usual, but then again, that is his normal, charming, persona. Then
he felt the need to say something along the lines of hoping not to waste those cigars
and brandy tomorrow night with more, ahem, searching. Either way, I kept my
laughter hidden as he followed the Master of Arms down the hallway, saying he
wanted whoever broke that china handcuffed to a pipe. That was before saying
nobody could do their job on this ship.
Ismay had eyed me the whole time
he was speaking, up and down and up and down—the usual creepy glares. And even
thinking about those cigars and brandy, the last thing he needs is more liquor!
The whole first-class lot of men are a bunch of alcoholics—with one man aside.
My father. He can enjoy a drink, but he doesn’t get that much of a buzz from
it, my mother would kill him for it if she ever found out.
"Antoinette!" I glanced
up at my father, who didn’t look as if he was ready to stop pacing just yet.
"Wherever you are, come back to Earth." I sighed. I want my own
little world, is that too much to ask. "Now, I’m going to ask you again:
Antoinette Andrews, where the Hell were you!?" Before he was worried, and
now he’s just furious.
"Daddy, I—"
"I looked everywhere for
you! You weren’t at dinner, nobody had seen you—Do you realize how worried I
was for you—especially once it got dark?" I shook my head.
"I’m sorry, I didn’t—"
"You don’t know this ship,
Antoinette! You just can’t go parading around by yourself any time you please!
This ship still has glitches and until it is perfect, you can’t just go about,
walking around without a care in the world!" He is so angry, I actually
gulped. I’ve never seen him this upset before. He took in a deep breath, trying
to calm himself as he ran a hand through his hair once more. Violence is never
the answer, he must know that. He’s been on this Earth far longer than me. Then
again, he might realize how much he sounds like my mother. "You can’t go
around parading anywhere without a proper companion." I rolled my eyes at
my mother’s comment, still locked away in my memory. "Where were
you?"
"What?" I’m lost again.
"Where. Were. You?"
"I was…" My voice
trailed off. I can’t honestly tell him I was playing poker!
"You were where?" he
asked, raising an eyebrow.
"On deck," I blatantly
lied. It’s easier to lie at this point. I’m not sure of what he would do if he
ever found out I was playing cards with a bunch of seamen.
"Don’t lie to me, young
lady. Don’t you think I scoured this whole ship—including the deck?" Yes.
"Alright, let’s say I believe you. I don’t. Where on the deck?"
"Near the stern." Just
keep toppling the lies, Antoinette…
"I didn’t see you."
"I was there, Daddy."
"Antoinette…" His voice
trailed off, taking my hands. "Just tell me," he said softly, trying
to calm down. He had this look on his face, this look of concern mixed with
sadness. "I thought I had lost you."
Oh, that was heart-wrenching.
Just staring at him, my eyes practically welled up with tears. Had I known what
time it actually was, had I even though how worried he must’ve been…I never
would’ve missed dinner. I could’ve just dealt with Ismay—No, now, I can’t be so
sure I wouldn’t have confessed there on the spot had he mentioned it.
"I was…"
"You were where,
darling?" he asked, gently easing me along.
"I was with…Harold." I
can’t ever keep a secret! He cocked his head, confused.
"Lowe?" I nodded.
"You were with him…all
night?" I shook my head.
"Oh, no, no." Whatever
he’s thinking, I really don’t want to hear it. "I was with Will,
too."
"And you three were…?"
"Just talking about the
weather." More like gambling—but at this point, the least he knows, the
better.
"Antoinette, we’re in the
middle of the North Atlantic. What weather is there to discuss?"
"It hasn’t rained yet,"
I had to point out. He sighed, dropping my hands and beginning to pace once
more.
"Ann, I have no idea what
I’m going to do with you," he felt the need to repeat. "You missed
dinner, and—" Is that he really has to worry about?
"Daddy, I’m sorry, I just
lost track of time!" He looked down at me, looking as if he was in his own
dream world.
"I don’t understand what’s
the trouble with you, Ann. You barely spoke for months and now, you act as if
you’re in your own wonderland. You never hear me."
"I hear you," I argued.
"You hear me, yes, but you
don’t necessarily listen to me." He paused. "I have certain rules,
Antoinette, and although you may think of them as silly and unnecessary, I have
them because of times like this. What if something had happened to you?"
"I don’t know," I
managed to choke out.
"Exactly. You don’t know.
You don’t know all of the people on this ship and although I do trust Titanic’s
officers, you need to be back here at an appropriate time."
"We never discussed
times!"
"You’re right, we never did.
Now, we are. I want you back before ten." I sighed. I’m old enough to make
my own decisions about how long I’ll stay out. I fought the urge to roll my
eyes or even argue with him. It’s not worth the energy. "And I don’t want
you to be alone. Not everyone on this ship knows who you or I are and not
everyone is as nice as those officers are." He hesitated. "Now, about
your wonderland…"
"There is no
wonderland," I corrected. There might be and it merely concerns Harry and
I.
"Ann, I just want to know
what’s going on."
"Daddy, nothing’s going
on."
"Don’t shut me out." He
sat down beside me, taking my hands once more. "Please." I didn’t say
a word. "Antoinette, please." He managed a chuckle. "I ask
because I care, you know." I nodded.
"I know," I replied
quietly. This isn’t the time or the place. I can’t have him dislike Harry,
because I know he can make Harry disappear—when I’m truly in love with him.
"There’s nothing to worry about," I told him confidently.
"Your persona has changed
practically overnight. I love seeing you like this, I’m just curious about what
brought on the change." He managed a smile, expecting somewhat of an
answer. Can’t he just enjoy my happiness? Didn’t I ask him this before?
"I think you were right.
Getting out of England was for the best." I stood up. I can tell by the
look on his face he didn’t necessarily adore my answer to the question—but I at
least answered it. "I promise, from now on, I’ll be back before ten. I’m
sorry."
"I was just worried, Ann.
Please don’t make me call for another search party again, alright?" I
nodded.
"Alright." He stood up,
kissing me on the forehead.
"I don’t mean to sound so
angry with you, darling." He sighed. "I do love you, Antoinette,
everything I do, I do because I love you." Why does he always say that?
It’s so endearing. I’m so lucky to have him for my father.
"I know. I love you,
too." I can’t believe I haven’t said anything about Harry yet to him. But,
he’s not a confidant, he’s my father. He’s my parent. My mother would be
furious if she knew about Harry and I—but she would’ve found out much sooner
than my father. She would’ve hired a private eye, my luck. My father has
noticed my drifting thought process, but I don’t think he has put two and two together.
I’m sure it’s just a matter of time.
"I’ll call for Mary,"
he said simply, as I went for my bedroom. I nodded over my shoulder and
stepping into my bedroom, I shut the door behind me. I sighed. He’ll find out
eventually about Harry and I, but I want him to be okay with it. Even if he
isn’t society, Harry, which my mother surely won’t approve of—I want to be
happy. Is that so much to ask? Perhaps this may just be an infatuation with
Harry, but I don’t think it is. Maybe it’s just a one-time fling for him, or
for me…? How can there be so much love between us? It makes no sense, yet—I
haven’t felt as content ever in my life. The truly frightening part is this: I
could imagine being Mrs. Harold Lowe.