EVERYTHING’S NOT LOST
Chapter Twenty-Five

We struggled to get through the hoards of people now on deck, all seeming to crowd together in particular places. I notice now that everyone’s near lifeboats that are being filled and ready to be lowered. My father was behind Harry, Steven and I, Steven’s hand still clutched in mine. I really have no idea where we’re going. The ship’s band is playing very cheery music—I suppose not to cause any undue panic.

"Where are we going?" I asked Harry over the crowd, who had decided to take the lead in our little group. I don’t think he could hear me. He pushed through some people in their lifejackets, his hand in mine, Steven behind me and my father behind him.

"CHARLES!" Harry’s voice rang above everyone else’s on deck as he pushed his way to the front of the crowd, where Lightoller was trying to fill a lifeboat. There aren’t any men on the boat, I realize. Looking around to get my bearings, the boats were getting low in supply and the reality is now setting in that there won’t be enough…for everyone here. The boat even Lightoller’s trying to fill is practically full.

"Harry, it’s too full!" I said to him, tugging on his hand. "We’ll go down and look for another—"

"Harold, it’s only women and children for the time being," Lightoller explained. "She’s going to have to wait for the next one—"

"No, no, it’s not for me," I explained, "think you have any more room for this little guy?" I gestured to Steven. Lightoller looked over his shoulder at the practically bursting lifeboat, but managed a nod as I was shoved by someone behind me. I’m sure it was accidental.

"Yes, yes, of course," he replied. He then turned to the waiting passengers, all looking to be confused and almost dazzled. "Gentlemen, step back! Women and children for the time being!" he shouted at them as he attempted to take Steven’s hand. "Come now, we’ll get you on a boat—" He hid behind me, frightened.

"I can put him on," I said, trying to be helpful.

"Ann, I’m going to start looking down the other side," my father said into my ear. "I’ll come back for you." I nodded, turning back to Lightoller.

"Alright, you can ease him on," he agreed, with a nod and led me towards the lifeboat, seemingly filled to the brim with passengers. I leaned down to face Steven, getting his hand out of mine. "Steven, you are going to get on this lifeboat and you’re going to be a good boy, okay?"

"You’re not coming?" he asked softly, his eyes welling up with tears.

"There’s not enough room for me." I looked back at the lifeboat and saw that a few other officers, none I recognized, were trying to keep people seated and were anxiously awaiting Lightoller’s command. "Those officers are going to take good care of you." Lightoller knelt down beside me.

"We need to hurry," he whispered into my ear.

"This officer," I said, gesturing to Lightoller, "is going to put you on the boat and then, you’re going to be fine, okay?" He didn’t even seem to hear me.

"What about you?"

"I’m going to get on the next boat," I lied, kissing him on the forehead. Who knows what boat I’ll end up on—I hope I don’t end up on one at all. "You’re going to be a good boy. Promise me."

"I promise." Lightoller scooped him up from the deck and handed him to another officer on the lifeboat. He sat him down and then Steven looked at me, terror in his eyes. "Teddy!" He said, pointing to the polar bear in my hand. How did that end up in my possession? "I want Teddy!" I was about to hand him the bear when Lightoller took my wrist.

"We have no room for it!" he yelled above the noise, taking the bear from me. I looked at the lifeboat and Steven looked as though he was ready to start sobbing.

"Oh, for God’s sake, give the kid the damn bear!" I snapped at him. "It’s not luggage, just give it to him!" He stepped back, startled, before handing the bear to Steven on the boat. He squealed excitedly, hugging the bear. "Hold onto him!" I instructed, as Lightoller turned to the crew still on deck, who were manning the lines that lowered the boats.

"Lower it away, left and right together!" Lightoller shouted as the lifeboat, slowly but surely, began to creep its’ way down into the North Atlantic.

"Good-bye, Steven," I said to him, blowing him a kiss.

"Good-bye, Miss Andrews!" he replied, waving. He has no idea about what he’s going to see. I watched, Harry beside me, the boat go down until it was almost out of sight. He then took my hand, pulling me back into the crowd before Lightoller had to. He managed to push me through the crowd and out of it as we came towards a wall, away from the mass confusion.

"Did he come back?" I asked him. My father. Harry shook his head.

"No, but we’ll find him," he reassured me. "Come on, we need to catch a boat while it’s still somewhat empty." We took a right and zigzagged through the people, Harry bobbing his head over the crowd every few moments to see if there was a loading lifeboat I could possibly get on.

"Antoinette!" My father came running towards us as Harry stopped our little trek of finding a way to escape. "This lifeboat, right here!" He gestured to the crowd to our right. "Mr. Wilde’s loading it. He’s almost full, though, we’ve got to get you on—"

"Perfect," Harry replied to him as we began to shove our way towards the front of the crowd. I could see Wilde loading women into the boats, yelling at the men to step back to allow the women to come through.

Harry stood behind me, his fingers intertwined with mine, my father at my right, watching as Wilde continued to load the women in front of me. I could hear shouting everywhere. I can’t shut off my ears, or any of my senses, but even with the cheery music playing in the background, the sense of dread began to linger in the air all around me.

"Men, step back!" Wilde shouted over us. "Let the women through!" Oh my God. How can I possibly leave the most important men in my life? My father or Harold Lowe?

Harry, at least, has a good shot of getting on a lifeboat, I now realize, because someone has to be on one of the boats to make sure everything and everyone was alright. Am I correct on that account? But, my father…Would he possibly get on a lifeboat? Probably not. He’s too noble. I know him too well. I want him on a lifeboat, though! He just has to get on one before it’s too late.

"Harry," I decided, almost inaudibly over my shoulder, "I can’t…leave you here."

"Antoinette, please, don’t do this…" he silently begged. My father suddenly took a step towards me, looking as though he was ready to burst into tears. Seeing me shiver, my hair still being damp, he slipped off his black wool coat and wrapped it around me without saying a single word. I glanced back at Harry, unsure of what my father was doing. I let go of his hand to put the coat on properly before my father cleared his throat.

"You’re to be a good girl, Antoinette," he said softly. "Can you do that for me?" I managed a nod as he hugged me tightly, kissing my cheek. He’s saying good-bye isn’t he? "Harry will take good care of you." I glanced at Harry, in his usual uniform, who was trying not to cry. I had never seen the fear in his eyes that I see now. "He’ll meet up with you when you arrive in New York, won’t you, Harry?" He nodded at my father. He looks as if he isn’t sure about what to believe.

"Yes, Mr. Andrews," was all he could manage to say. I must’ve looked so doubtful, because my father nodded at me.

"I’ll make sure they put him on a boat, Ann," my father promised. "I promise you." Harry looked as if he was somewhat relieved at that. I took in a sharp breath.

"What about you?" I asked him, tears beginning to trickle down my cheeks.

"I’ll get on a boat," he attempted to reassure me. He’s lying. I know he is. He had that tone in his voice, that tone that made me sure he was lying. He managed a smile, wiping my tears away. "Don’t cry, sweetheart. I love you." He is saying good-bye.

"I love you—" Just as I was about to turn to Harry, Officer Wilde suddenly pulled me back, near the rim of Titanic, towards the almost-loaded lifeboat, away from my father and Harry. I never truly got to say good-bye to either of them. I never got to say good-bye to my father or Harold Lowe, the true love of my life.

"Come along, Miss Andrews," he said in a tone I had never heard out of him before, trying to be calm and collective amongst all the panic. I climbed into the boat and someone took my hand. I glanced over my shoulder and it’s my father. He squeezed my hand lovingly, as if for the last time. "I’m sorry, Mr. Andrews," Wilde said suddenly, pushing my father back and out of my grip. "Clear the rail!"

The officer on the boat, who I’ve never met, sat me down as Wilde began to direct on how to lower us down. I glanced around the boat, and the women around me just were sobbing uncontrollably. I seem to be the calmest one. That’s not comforting.

"Left and right together!" Wilde shouted to two people on the Titanic and they began to ship us down into the cold North Atlantic. I can’t help but keep my eyes locked on my father and Harry, and they both looked as if they were crying. Fireworks, that I had never noticed before, but must have been flying into the sky, continued to go up into the air, but no one was around to save us. I blinked back my tears. Of course, I know the statistics of the people verses the lifeboat quota for Titanic, it wasn’t all that difficult to figure out—and I know that so many people will die tonight. I should be so happy to have gotten on a lifeboat, but I can’t even think about my own life or safety. I don’t want both of these men to become a statistic!

Harry had saved me. I know that. I had been so unhappy before this voyage, and once my father had introduced us, I knew things were going to be different. And things were different, until the iceberg. My mother had instilled in me the idea that women were purely objects—objects of desire, even, to the men around us and we were only good enough to be looked at, gawked at, but couldn’t be spoken to. I knew, at the time, to make my mother happy, I had to be silent, reserved as she introduced me to every available bachelor on the street—as my father went off to work on Titanic. She kept him in the dark and in a way, she kept me in the dark, too. I had no real idea about the life outside of society and what I did know, my mother tried her best to pound it out of me.

The supposed unsinkable ship, one thing my father had never said and I think refused to say, was sinking underneath everyone’s feet and nothing or anyone, for that matter, was around to stop it or even help us. And the worst part is that there are only going to be a few survivors who may live to tell the tale.

I looked back up at Harry, who shut his mouth, as though he had said something. I didn’t hear anything, but then again, how could I have? Wilde’s still yelling about keeping the lifeboat steady. He said it again and I clearly could read his lips. He said, "I love you."

"I love you," I whispered back to him, trying not to cry. As the fireworks faded from the sky, tears escaped my eyes. No matter how much I tried to stop myself, I couldn’t make the tears stop.

"Lower away evenly, Lads! Easy! Lower away!" Wilde’s voice echoed around the dark sky, and everything was quiet. It was as if I was just sitting here and nothing was going on. I couldn’t hear the other people still aboard the Titanic, rushing about, yelling to one another, all I could hear was the beating of my own heart and of it breaking. I looked away from my father and Harry and watched, almost as if in slow motion, the ropes and pulleys working together to bring us down into the water and then in front of me. It was just the ship. The iron. That was it. Nothing less, nothing more. I quickly returned my gaze back up to the deck, but my father was gone. Harry looked distraught for a mere moment, before returning his eyes back to me.

Wait a minute! Where did he go? I wanted to scream, yell for him, but it felt as though my vocal chords had been cut. I’m stuck here. I’m stuck here. Oh, God—I can’t believe I just let some officer who I had played poker with put me on a damn lifeboat without my consent!

My heart began to beat faster as my mind began to tinker. I looked about me and although we were only inches away from the water, we were now hovering near an open area of the ship. I can’t leave my father behind, I can’t leave either of them behind! I stood up and pushing through a few passengers in front of me, I jumped from the safe haven known as a lifeboat back onto a sinking ship. I wasn’t leaving, no matter what.

Chapter Twenty-Six
Stories