EVERYTHING’S NOT LOST
Chapter Twenty-Five
We struggled to get through the
hoards of people now on deck, all seeming to crowd together in particular
places. I notice now that everyone’s near lifeboats that are being filled and
ready to be lowered. My father was behind Harry, Steven and I, Steven’s hand
still clutched in mine. I really have no idea where we’re going. The ship’s
band is playing very cheery music—I suppose not to cause any undue panic.
"Where are we going?" I
asked Harry over the crowd, who had decided to take the lead in our little group.
I don’t think he could hear me. He pushed through some people in their
lifejackets, his hand in mine, Steven behind me and my father behind him.
"CHARLES!" Harry’s
voice rang above everyone else’s on deck as he pushed his way to the front of
the crowd, where Lightoller was trying to fill a lifeboat. There aren’t any men
on the boat, I realize. Looking around to get my bearings, the boats were
getting low in supply and the reality is now setting in that there won’t be
enough…for everyone here. The boat even Lightoller’s trying to fill is
practically full.
"Harry, it’s too full!"
I said to him, tugging on his hand. "We’ll go down and look for
another—"
"Harold, it’s only women and
children for the time being," Lightoller explained. "She’s going to
have to wait for the next one—"
"No, no, it’s not for
me," I explained, "think you have any more room for this little
guy?" I gestured to Steven. Lightoller looked over his shoulder at the
practically bursting lifeboat, but managed a nod as I was shoved by someone
behind me. I’m sure it was accidental.
"Yes, yes, of course,"
he replied. He then turned to the waiting passengers, all looking to be
confused and almost dazzled. "Gentlemen, step back! Women and children for
the time being!" he shouted at them as he attempted to take Steven’s hand.
"Come now, we’ll get you on a boat—" He hid behind me, frightened.
"I can put him on," I
said, trying to be helpful.
"Ann, I’m going to start
looking down the other side," my father said into my ear. "I’ll come
back for you." I nodded, turning back to Lightoller.
"Alright, you can ease him
on," he agreed, with a nod and led me towards the lifeboat, seemingly
filled to the brim with passengers. I leaned down to face Steven, getting his
hand out of mine. "Steven, you are going to get on this lifeboat and
you’re going to be a good boy, okay?"
"You’re not coming?" he
asked softly, his eyes welling up with tears.
"There’s not enough room for
me." I looked back at the lifeboat and saw that a few other officers, none
I recognized, were trying to keep people seated and were anxiously awaiting
Lightoller’s command. "Those officers are going to take good care of
you." Lightoller knelt down beside me.
"We need to hurry," he
whispered into my ear.
"This officer," I said,
gesturing to Lightoller, "is going to put you on the boat and then, you’re
going to be fine, okay?" He didn’t even seem to hear me.
"What about you?"
"I’m going to get on the
next boat," I lied, kissing him on the forehead. Who knows what boat I’ll
end up on—I hope I don’t end up on one at all. "You’re going to be a good
boy. Promise me."
"I promise." Lightoller
scooped him up from the deck and handed him to another officer on the lifeboat.
He sat him down and then Steven looked at me, terror in his eyes.
"Teddy!" He said, pointing to the polar bear in my hand. How did that
end up in my possession? "I want Teddy!" I was about to hand him the
bear when Lightoller took my wrist.
"We have no room for
it!" he yelled above the noise, taking the bear from me. I looked at the
lifeboat and Steven looked as though he was ready to start sobbing.
"Oh, for God’s sake, give
the kid the damn bear!" I snapped at him. "It’s not luggage, just
give it to him!" He stepped back, startled, before handing the bear to
Steven on the boat. He squealed excitedly, hugging the bear. "Hold onto
him!" I instructed, as Lightoller turned to the crew still on deck, who
were manning the lines that lowered the boats.
"Lower it away, left and
right together!" Lightoller shouted as the lifeboat, slowly but surely,
began to creep its’ way down into the North Atlantic.
"Good-bye, Steven," I
said to him, blowing him a kiss.
"Good-bye, Miss
Andrews!" he replied, waving. He has no idea about what he’s going to see.
I watched, Harry beside me, the boat go down until it was almost out of sight.
He then took my hand, pulling me back into the crowd before Lightoller had to.
He managed to push me through the crowd and out of it as we came towards a
wall, away from the mass confusion.
"Did he come back?" I
asked him. My father. Harry shook his head.
"No, but we’ll find
him," he reassured me. "Come on, we need to catch a boat while it’s
still somewhat empty." We took a right and zigzagged through the people,
Harry bobbing his head over the crowd every few moments to see if there was a
loading lifeboat I could possibly get on.
"Antoinette!" My father
came running towards us as Harry stopped our little trek of finding a way to
escape. "This lifeboat, right here!" He gestured to the crowd to our
right. "Mr. Wilde’s loading it. He’s almost full, though, we’ve got to get
you on—"
"Perfect," Harry
replied to him as we began to shove our way towards the front of the crowd. I
could see Wilde loading women into the boats, yelling at the men to step back
to allow the women to come through.
Harry stood behind me, his
fingers intertwined with mine, my father at my right, watching as Wilde
continued to load the women in front of me. I could hear shouting everywhere. I
can’t shut off my ears, or any of my senses, but even with the cheery music
playing in the background, the sense of dread began to linger in the air all
around me.
"Men, step back!" Wilde
shouted over us. "Let the women through!" Oh my God. How can I
possibly leave the most important men in my life? My father or Harold Lowe?
Harry, at least, has a good shot
of getting on a lifeboat, I now realize, because someone has to be on one of
the boats to make sure everything and everyone was alright. Am I correct on
that account? But, my father…Would he possibly get on a lifeboat? Probably not.
He’s too noble. I know him too well. I want him on a lifeboat, though! He just
has to get on one before it’s too late.
"Harry," I decided,
almost inaudibly over my shoulder, "I can’t…leave you here."
"Antoinette, please, don’t
do this…" he silently begged. My father suddenly took a step towards me,
looking as though he was ready to burst into tears. Seeing me shiver, my hair
still being damp, he slipped off his black wool coat and wrapped it around me
without saying a single word. I glanced back at Harry, unsure of what my father
was doing. I let go of his hand to put the coat on properly before my father
cleared his throat.
"You’re to be a good girl,
Antoinette," he said softly. "Can you do that for me?" I managed
a nod as he hugged me tightly, kissing my cheek. He’s saying good-bye isn’t he?
"Harry will take good care of you." I glanced at Harry, in his usual
uniform, who was trying not to cry. I had never seen the fear in his eyes that
I see now. "He’ll meet up with you when you arrive in New York, won’t you,
Harry?" He nodded at my father. He looks as if he isn’t sure about what to
believe.
"Yes, Mr. Andrews," was
all he could manage to say. I must’ve looked so doubtful, because my father
nodded at me.
"I’ll make sure they put him
on a boat, Ann," my father promised. "I promise you." Harry
looked as if he was somewhat relieved at that. I took in a sharp breath.
"What about you?" I
asked him, tears beginning to trickle down my cheeks.
"I’ll get on a boat,"
he attempted to reassure me. He’s lying. I know he is. He had that tone in his
voice, that tone that made me sure he was lying. He managed a smile, wiping my
tears away. "Don’t cry, sweetheart. I love you." He is saying
good-bye.
"I love you—" Just as I
was about to turn to Harry, Officer Wilde suddenly pulled me back, near the rim
of Titanic, towards the almost-loaded lifeboat, away from my father and Harry.
I never truly got to say good-bye to either of them. I never got to say
good-bye to my father or Harold Lowe, the true love of my life.
"Come along, Miss
Andrews," he said in a tone I had never heard out of him before, trying to
be calm and collective amongst all the panic. I climbed into the boat and
someone took my hand. I glanced over my shoulder and it’s my father. He
squeezed my hand lovingly, as if for the last time. "I’m sorry, Mr.
Andrews," Wilde said suddenly, pushing my father back and out of my grip.
"Clear the rail!"
The officer on the boat, who I’ve
never met, sat me down as Wilde began to direct on how to lower us down. I
glanced around the boat, and the women around me just were sobbing uncontrollably.
I seem to be the calmest one. That’s not comforting.
"Left and right
together!" Wilde shouted to two people on the Titanic and they began to
ship us down into the cold North Atlantic. I can’t help but keep my eyes locked
on my father and Harry, and they both looked as if they were crying. Fireworks,
that I had never noticed before, but must have been flying into the sky,
continued to go up into the air, but no one was around to save us. I blinked
back my tears. Of course, I know the statistics of the people verses the
lifeboat quota for Titanic, it wasn’t all that difficult to figure out—and I
know that so many people will die tonight. I should be so happy to have gotten
on a lifeboat, but I can’t even think about my own life or safety. I don’t want
both of these men to become a statistic!
Harry had saved me. I know that.
I had been so unhappy before this voyage, and once my father had introduced us,
I knew things were going to be different. And things were different, until the
iceberg. My mother had instilled in me the idea that women were purely
objects—objects of desire, even, to the men around us and we were only good
enough to be looked at, gawked at, but couldn’t be spoken to. I knew, at the
time, to make my mother happy, I had to be silent, reserved as she introduced
me to every available bachelor on the street—as my father went off to work on
Titanic. She kept him in the dark and in a way, she kept me in the dark, too. I
had no real idea about the life outside of society and what I did know, my mother
tried her best to pound it out of me.
The supposed unsinkable ship, one
thing my father had never said and I think refused to say, was sinking
underneath everyone’s feet and nothing or anyone, for that matter, was around
to stop it or even help us. And the worst part is that there are only going to
be a few survivors who may live to tell the tale.
I looked back up at Harry, who
shut his mouth, as though he had said something. I didn’t hear anything, but
then again, how could I have? Wilde’s still yelling about keeping the lifeboat
steady. He said it again and I clearly could read his lips. He said, "I
love you."
"I love you," I
whispered back to him, trying not to cry. As the fireworks faded from the sky,
tears escaped my eyes. No matter how much I tried to stop myself, I couldn’t
make the tears stop.
"Lower away evenly, Lads!
Easy! Lower away!" Wilde’s voice echoed around the dark sky, and
everything was quiet. It was as if I was just sitting here and nothing was
going on. I couldn’t hear the other people still aboard the Titanic, rushing
about, yelling to one another, all I could hear was the beating of my own heart
and of it breaking. I looked away from my father and Harry and watched, almost
as if in slow motion, the ropes and pulleys working together to bring us down
into the water and then in front of me. It was just the ship. The iron. That
was it. Nothing less, nothing more. I quickly returned my gaze back up to the
deck, but my father was gone. Harry looked distraught for a mere moment, before
returning his eyes back to me.
Wait a minute! Where did he go? I
wanted to scream, yell for him, but it felt as though my vocal chords had been
cut. I’m stuck here. I’m stuck here. Oh, God—I can’t believe I just let some
officer who I had played poker with put me on a damn lifeboat without my
consent!
My heart began to beat faster as
my mind began to tinker. I looked about me and although we were only inches
away from the water, we were now hovering near an open area of the ship. I
can’t leave my father behind, I can’t leave either of them behind! I stood up
and pushing through a few passengers in front of me, I jumped from the safe
haven known as a lifeboat back onto a sinking ship. I wasn’t leaving, no matter
what.