EVERYTHING’S NOT LOST
Chapter Twenty-Nine

The ship is completely underwater now. I couldn’t and didn’t watch. I had to keep my head turned the entire time. All I did now was keep myself close to Harry, my head nestled in his neck, refusing to move away from him. He’s the only thing I have right now—The one person I have that I have the closest connection with. My father’s gone…If he is out there in the water, there’s really no hope for him. And Will? He’s gone, too. The image of him putting the pistol to his head may never leave my memory, but I hope to God it does.

As the people who had fallen into the water began to scream hysterically, louder and louder, I brought myself closer to Harry to block out the noise. I want this nightmare to be over, once and for all. He’s had his arms wrapped around me since he sat down beside me and I don’t know if he plans on letting go. I hope not. Either way, it’s extreme hysteria and I know everyone on the boat must feel what I’m feeling right now: Why aren’t we going back? Harry’s the commanding officer.

I looked up at him and he had this devastated look on his face, as if he was unsure of what to do. We should go back—We have to go back! It’s a question of life and death, but could we risk it? What if people began to swarm the boats, trying to get in as they had when Titanic was above the ocean, trying to save themselves? What if the boat tips over? Or are we going to be forced to listen to all of the yelling and panicked pleas of help until they gradually die away…? This made no sense!

"For God’s sake!" I heard a woman scream.

"PLEASE, HELP US!" a man shouted after her.

"Harry…" I tugged on his coat.

"Yes, Love?" he asked into my ear.

"What are we going to do?"

"I have…no idea." That struck a nerve. He has no idea what to do. That means that no one on the other boats must know what to do, either. This isn’t good. I suddenly heard a whistle, an officer’s whistle—one that sounded so familiar.

"RETURN THE BOATS!" Wilde! Officer Wilde! That was him—He was stuck in the water! He’s using that whistle to his full advantage, the blaring sound echoing over the waters and towards us. I looked up from Harry’s shoulder and turned to look at the crowd. I gasped at what I saw.

There had to be over one-thousand people splashing about one another, most of them wearing white lifejackets, which shone under the stars. How could we just sit here and do nothing? My heart ached. What if we went back? We could end up hurting more than saving—But, it could be worth a shot. Right?

"That was Wilde," I whispered to Harry, tugging on his jacket.

"Who?" he asked, as if he was in another world.

"Henry Wilde!" I shivered, leaning forward to get a better look at the crowd. He was there. It was almost as if I could see him—but we’re too far away to see anyone in particular, just the mass of water splashing around. "Harry…" My voice trailed off, turning back to him. "We have to go back," I breathed.

"What!?" exclaimed an officer with a thick British accent to my left, leaning on the side of the lifeboat, using his oar as somewhat of a pillow. "Are you out of your mind?" I looked about me and the tension had sort of let up since I had spoke. I have to be losing my mind. Harry whirled around and glared at the officer.

"Don’t speak to her that way," he said between gritted teeth. The officer glanced at me, and then back to Harry.

"I apologize, Miss," he said sincerely to me. "It’s just—"

"We can’t go back!" one passenger exclaimed behind me, cutting off the officer’s apology.

"It’s impossible!" shouted another. I sighed angrily, the cold baring into me, making me shiver more feverishly than before.

"What’s wrong with you people!?" I screamed angrily. "They’re dying out there!"

"They’ll swamp the boat!" said the same officer who had told me I was quote-on-quote crazy. "They’ll pull us down right with them and then where will we be? We’ll all be dead!" Wilde’s whistle blew again. Oh, no. I pushed hair out of my face, glancing at Harry. It’s ultimately his decision. Not mine, or anyone else’s.

"Fine," I said softly, before leaning back into Harry. He took in a quick breath, before he moved. I looked up and he was nodding.

"She’s right," he agreed suddenly.

"Have you lost your marbles!?" asked the other officer to the right of me, hanging onto the other oar for dear life. "We’re out in the middle of absolute nowhere!" Harry shook his head, glancing around the waters—at what, I don’t know.

"One, two…" He gestured to the lifeboats around us. "We’re going back—We have to." He paused. "It’s what we need to do."

"They’ll kill us all!" said another passenger, scared out of her wits. Harry ignored her and pulled out his own whistle, blowing into it as he searched the bottom of the lifeboat, yet again—for what, I don’t know. He pulled out a flashlight. Where did he get that? "Antoinette, I need you to let go of me." With pleasure. I backed away from him as he stood up. "You two boats!" he shouted, blowing his whistle again before pointing to the two boats nearby, with his flashlight. "Make your way over here, quickly!" What was he trying to do?

Both boats seemed to wake with activity as Harry eyed the rest of the water with the flashlight. Light. Something people actually can deal with—Light means energy. I could now hear the splashing of water and I watched the boats in silence as they began to make their way towards us.

"Harry, what are you doing?" I asked him.

"You’ll see," was his only reply. He has gone into officer mode, I now realize. He’s working. I can respect that. "Get that rope!" he instructed to the officer who had called me crazy. He merely followed orders, refusing to look at any of the passengers.

I turned back to the crowd of people, still screaming. He just needs to hurry, that’s all. The boats continued to make their way towards us and one officer pulled one lifeboat in with his oar as Harry took the other one. They were lined up between us, as if sandwiched between this lifeboat.

"Alright!" Harry blew his whistle again and all of the officers on the other boats looked up from their oars. "I want everyone’s attention, please!" He gestured to the boats around us. "For the time, I want all of these boats tied together!" Nobody moved. Why did he want all of the boats tied together? "JUST DO IT!" he shouted angrily.

Well, they listened to that. The officers on our boat threw the rope to both boats and they began to tie them together, with Harry holding the flashlight over them—but right now, it looks to be more of an interrogation light. "Now, bring your oars over there!" he shouted to the boat to our right. "Tie these two boats together as well." He pointed to the boats on either side of us. The officers continued to tie in silence, as the passengers on all of the lifeboats equally mumbled to each other about what was going on. "Now, make sure that’s tied up nice and tight." He glanced over his shoulder at the still-panicked group of people splashing about in the water and they seem farther away than they were before. Perhaps they are.

"Right!" He turned back to us. "Listen to me, Men! We have to go back!" There were these mumbled words of disagreement from the lower-ranked officers. He didn’t listen. "I want to transfer all of the women from this boat…" He pointed to the boat to our right, "into that boat…" He gestured to the boat we’re in. "As quick as you can please!" What is he trying to accomplish? "Let’s create some space over there. Move forward and out." I stood up as the women around me began to move from the other boat to our right, with the help of the disgruntled, disagreeing officers. I took station at the left of the boat and helped other women onto our boat.

"Careful, careful, watch your step," I warned, helping an older woman over and sitting her down where I had been.

"Move forward and out!" Harry shouted. Is he actually shouting at me? He’s lucky I’m helping at all—But, I do know that’s morally right and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t help. We continued to transfer the women from one boat to ours until it was empty. It took what felt like a half an hour, since half of the women felt as though they were going to fall off the boats—and they felt the need to scream. As if the screaming in the water wasn’t enough!

"There, sir!" said an officer behind me. "We’re empty here." The lifeboat he was trying to empty completely—was finally empty. "It’s just us." I glanced over my shoulder at the shining light on the now empty boat. It was just two officers there, hanging onto the oars for dear life.

"Is everyone alright?" Harry called out. Everyone managed mumbles of yes. "Alright then." He took a step onto the empty boat, flashlight in hand. "Just stay together," he said solemnly. "Make sure those ties stay together."

"Yes, sir—"

"Harry, wait!" I stood up, making my way over to the ledge of the lifeboat, so I could climb over.

"Antoinette, stay here," he said as he instructed one of the rowers to untie the boat they were in from the other two boats.

"No," I disagreed between my shivers. "I’m going with you."

"Ann, stay here with the rest of the women," he said firmly. "They need you." I glanced around the boat and I don’t know anyone. I’m strong enough to lift people out of the water if I had to. I may look small, but I’m not weak.

"No—I’m coming."

"Ann—"

"Oh, for God’s sake, just let her go!" said the obnoxious officer who had called me crazy. Harry shot him another look, a look of death—and he immediately shut his mouth. He sighed, giving in.

"Alright, alright." He held out his hand for me and I managed to get from the lifeboat I had left the Titanic on into the lifeboat where we may save maybe one soul. "Start rowing!" he shouted to the officers on the boat and, slowly but surely, we began to make our way to the now less active collection of people. Why had Wilde stopped blowing that whistle? People weren’t screaming half as much as they were what felt like seconds ago, barely at all—I know it took a little while to move all of those people out of the lifeboat we’re in now, but…there’s still time, isn’t there? Well, Harry flashed his light over the large collection of people, now in front of us, and there was barely any moving. If any, at all. The pleas for help had nearly ceased. We continued to row towards the group, and I could now see with the flashlight deck chairs and other furniture floating in the water.

"Right ahead, sir," said one officer, gesturing to the crowd. Thanks for informing us all.

"Oars!" He paused. "Do you see any moving?" His voice echoed more so than it did when he was ordering everyone out of the lifeboats. I leaned against the right of the lifeboat’s edge, keeping my eyes peeled for any movement at all. There was nothing out there. Damn it, I need a flashlight.

"No, sir," said the officer to the left, "None moving, sir."

"Harry, are there any more flashlights?"

"Here you go, Miss," said the officer behind me, who’s still rowing, as he handed me a flashlight. It looked like a long pipe, but after turning it on, it works fine. I managed a smile at him.

"Thank you." I gazed the light over the water, but nothing.

"Check them!" Harry ordered as the two dropped their oars and began to pick up the bodies near the boat, gently pushing them out of the way of our trail. "Bring that oar up here." I watched as Harry used the oar to push people out of the way at the bow of the lifeboat, and the officers followed his lead. "Check them, make sure." I glanced at the officer behind me as he picked up a dead woman from her lifejacket. He shook his head.

"These are dead, sir," he said. He emphasized on the word dead. It made it seem even more final. I covered my hands with my two coats as I pushed a few people away from the boat, but the water made me almost scream—It was that cold. I should’ve known. You can see everyone breathing out here, it was that bitter. And I have no gloves, to top everything else off. Harry must’ve seen me in shock, for he took off his gloves and handed them to me. I shook my head.

"Harry, you need them."

"You’re searching—Use them." I sighed but took them from him as I snapped them on. They’re much too big for me, but I need something to cover my hands other than the coats. I rolled up my sleeves as I pulled them as far back as I could.

"Now, give way. Ahead easy," Harry continued. "Careful with your oars, don’t hit them." He cleared his throat. "IS THERE ANYONE ALIVE OUT THERE!?" Harry called out as I leaned over the edge of the lifeboat even more so than before. No response.

"Careful…" He took hold of the coat as I practically fell into the water. "I’ve got you, Miss." I steadied myself with my left arm as I merely leaned in a little less than before.

"Yet again, thank you," I said softly. Even now, I can be polite. I never thought I’d ever row through a sea of the dead, but I suppose there’s a first time for everything. This is gut-wrenching. Harry yet again cleared his throat when, after minutes, there was no response.

"CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?" he shouted, louder than before. "IS THERE ANYONE ALIVE OUT THERE—" He sounded as if he stopped short. I looked over and he had stopped, staring into the water, all of the blood from his face drained. I turned my flashlight to where he was staring and floating in the water was yet another frozen woman, holding an infant. "We waited too long," he stammered. Turning back to all of us, mostly to the officer on the other side of the lifeboat, he aimed his flashlight at the other officer, who was still looking for people—people who needed to be saved. "Well, keep checking them! Keep looking!"

We continued on our trip, the officer beside me and myself pushing bodies out of the way for the lifeboat to maneuver through them. Yet again, I found myself leaning, holding the flashlight in one hand and my other hand on the lifeboat railing, and I can’t look at anyone in the face. It doesn’t matter if they’re dead. Even dead, they all look scared out of their wits. Harry’s gloves, at least, are blocking out the icy cold water—but the fumes of death are so apparent, it’s sickening. That’s when I saw him. Henry Wilde. Frozen to death, with that whistle in his mouth, clinging for dear life onto what looked to be part of a deck chair. Oh. My. God. I jumped back into the lifeboat, startled.

"What is it?" Harry asked me, looking over the side of the boat with his own flashlight.

"It’s…" I glanced over the lifeboat. "It’s Henry." I pointed with my flashlight to Wilde, who was just floating there, his eyes closed—and for some strange reason, he looks extremely calm. "…Henry Wilde," I managed to say between my shivers. Even though I’ve been shivering all night, this time it just seemed the most apparent. Harry managed a nod, looking as if he had lost someone so dear to him, as if Wilde was his father. My eyes welled up with tears. Wilde. I barely knew any of Titanic’s officers, with the exception of Harry and Will, but they felt like family to me, only after a few days. They must’ve felt like so much more to Harry.

"May God have mercy on his soul," was all he could say. I gulped back my own tears, gripping the flashlight tighter than before, refusing to look into the water. Instead, I looked around me. This is too much. I should’ve stayed behind, with the other women. But, my father…

"May God have mercy on all of us," I whispered, keeping my tears to myself.

Chapter Thirty
Stories