EVERYTHING’S NOT LOST
Chapter Thirty

Harry had saved four people. He had saved four people from freezing to death in the water. It took me some time to realize that, laying in this dumb lifeboat now, quite some distance from where we had left the other two lifeboats earlier, that most of the people on Titanic who had the unfortunate luck of being tossed into the sea—had died of hypothermia before we were able to reach them. We tried. We really did. Trying just wasn’t good enough.

As for myself? I’ve turned numb. It’s so cold. After we had gone through the sea of bodies, Harry had the officers turn the boat around and before I knew it, I was drifting off to sleep. "Just sleep," he had said. "Just lay down right here." He had gestured to the pristine floor of the lifeboat and just as I was about to lay down, he threw a blanket over the floor. When I finally curled up on my side, he wrapped a blanket around me, before whispering, "I love you." He then pushed hair out my face ever so gently and kissed me on the forehead. "Sleep well."

And I suppose I took his advice. I feel asleep. However, it wasn’t constant sleep. It was just minutes—if at most, thirty, of rest and something would jolt me awake. It’s not surprising—The water’s hitting the lifeboat, rocking us back and forth, I’m freezing, what else could I expect? To actually sleep?

I suddenly awoke, completely out of breath and flustered. Oh—I had the worst dream! It was about my father and Will, and they had just frozen to death in the water, before I could get to them. I was on this enormous steamer, it wasn’t the Titanic, it was smaller—But, I couldn’t get to them. There were too many obstacles in my way. I rubbed my forehead before bringing my blanket closer to me.

"You alright, Love?" Harry whispered to me. I glanced over to my right and he was laying beside me, sharing the enormous blanket with me, half-asleep himself, one eye open and one eye shut. I managed a nod, turning to face him. "Bad dream?" he offered.

"Try a nightmare beyond belief," I shivered, before yawning. "Aren’t you supposed to be awake?"

"It’s another person’s turn," he said, sounding extremely relieved. I sighed, trying to shake the memory of my dream. "It was just a dream," he said gently.

"I know." I sighed again. "I know." But, my father. He wanted to go down with his ship and I knew from the moment I left that smoking room, that I would never see him again, but Will…William Murdoch. He could’ve made it! He could be here with us right now. Granted, who would want to be us right now? We’re freezing, out in the middle of the North Atlantic. But, he could’ve…lived.

I suppose it’s honorable about what they both did, my father and Will—but who cares about honor when you leave the people you care about behind? I mean, I knew Will for only a few days, but I did love him. And my father. He was my father…He named me. He was the only man, or even the only person in my life who treated me like a human being…before I boarded Titanic, that is. In one sense, I gained Harry from getting onto the Titanic in the first place, but I lost something much greater. I lost my parent. The one parent I had ever connected with, if children ever decide to connect with their parents…he’s gone and he’s not coming back.

"Ann, he loved you." I looked up from my blanket to Harry as he wrapped an arm around me, bringing me closer to him. "Your father loved you." I managed a nod, the only comfort I feel is hearing someone else’s heartbeat. "That’s why he wanted you out of there. Don’t you realize that?"

"I guess," I told him softly.

"I told him I would take care of you, and I will. I promised him that. That’s how much he loved you, Antoinette—He put you before himself. He wanted you safe." I should’ve stayed with my father—and perhaps if I hadn’t been so lost in my own mind, in my own thoughts, in my own happiness, Will wouldn’t have shot himself.

I practically put the gun to his forehead and pulled the trigger. I had crushed him and I mean, I really, sincerely, crushed him. The thought of how I treated him makes me want to jump off this boat and make everyone else just leave me there to wither. And I led him on. That’s the worst part.

"…And Will did, too." I glanced up at him. "He did love you—" He shot me a look before smiling, "and don’t deny it." I slightly smiled, as much as I could, considering I feel like a human Popsicle.

"I wasn’t going to." I shook my head. "I just don’t understand. Why did he do that?" Why did he shoot himself?

"He panicked." I looked up at him and he nodded. "He just…didn’t know what to do."

"Still, I don’t understand why…"

"He shot two people, Antoinette." What!?

"What?" When did that happen? I saw the two people on the ship’s deck, dead, but Will hadn’t shot them, he wouldn’t have. Would he?

"You didn’t see that?" he asked skeptically.

"I didn’t see him shoot anyone!"

"Well, then, maybe it was just my mind playing tricks on me. It was—too fast to even comprehend." My eyes welled up with more tears. I can’t cry. I’m just too tired.

"Harry," I managed to say.

"Yes, Love?"

"What happened?" Too many questions—and too few answers. There was this silence and I looked up to the sky. The light has yet to come and I just seem to be looking at the stars above us. It was so cold, I could see my breath as I took each breath in and out, along with Harry’s. Was Titanic a mixed blessing, I now wonder? It seemed like such a tragedy, I can’t even believe I’m here. He shook his head at me.

"Well…she sank." I know that! I had been in the room when my father said Titanic was doomed. We had all been doomed at that point. "But, uh, for some reason, you were the answer."

"Excuse me?"

"Had either of us not gone on the Titanic, we never would’ve met."

"…And we wouldn’t be in the middle of the ocean," I pointed out.

"True."

"Even though I wouldn’t trade it for anything," I admitted. He took my hand, kissing it.

"Me, either."

"Hey. Look at that." I pointed up to the sky, where there seem to be a bunch of shooting stars! No matter what direction I look in, they’re everywhere. "Shooting stars." Through all of this, the world has yet to stop. "Can you believe it?" He smiled, looking up to the sky.

"Pretty incredible, isn’t it?" he asked me. I nodded.

"It is." I looked over at him, my eyes welling up with tears. I’m too cold to want to cry—the tears will surely freeze to my face. Besides, I know we won’t be stuck on this lifeboat for much longer—a steamer has to come along eventually, but it was so quiet—it’s eerie. "Antoinette?" Harry squeezed my hand.

"I’m sorry, I’m so tired—" And lost in my own thoughts…

"Well, then, just rest." I don’t want to fall asleep now, in fear that I’ll lose him. Somehow, I may lose him and I’ll be alone. I can’t lose someone else. I really can’t.

"You’ll be right here?" I asked.

"Of course." He paused. "Where do you expect me to go?" He forced a chuckle. "We’re surrounded by water." He’s right. "But, uh, I’ll be here."

"You promise?" Why am I making him promise me something this silly?

"I’ll be here." He kissed my hand, and for one moment, the cold hanging in the air disappeared. "Now, sleep." I nodded as everything began to fade away. The darkness almost enclosed me—as if it was swallowing me, and I began to fall victim to the Sand Man…yet again. I yawned, curling up beside Harry.

Why I began to think about the stars overhead, I don’t know. But, I began to think. Perhaps those stars are all of Titanic’s lost souls going to Heaven. It would explain why there are so many stars, wouldn’t it? The souls would include my father, along with Will—and everyone else who lost their lives tonight. Then again, who really knows.

I opened my eyes. No dreams that time, but I realize it’s morning now. The light was just beginning to peel up from behind the water. I looked over to where Harry was laying and he’s gone. I then saw smoke—green smoke hanging above my head. I looked up and Harry was waving a flare, standing on one of the benches on the lifeboat.

"Let’s keep rowing!" Harry’s distinct voice called as the officers rowed with more vigor than last night. Obviously, they had some sleep. Where are we going, anyhow? "Antoinette, are you awake?"

"Uh, yeah," I managed to say as I sat up. I’m too groggy. I could see a ship maybe a hundred yards off. The people we had rescued from the water leaned over the lifeboat anxiously, so excited at the possibility of actually being rescued. I glanced around me and lifeboats surrounded us—one was actually upside down and people were balancing on it—everyone was also waving their arms and trying to do anything to get the boat’s attention. I could see ants looking over the ship’s railing, pointing to the lifeboats. They know we’re here!

I could see, written on the side of the black steel in white capitals, CARPATHIA. Oh, what time is it? Who cares at this point! The lifeboats began to follow behind us as we rowed towards the ship. Double doors that I never saw until now, in the middle of the ship, opened and rope, along with ladders came flooding out as crew members of the Carpathia waited for all of us to come. It looked as though they weren’t even moving any longer, just waiting for us. There is a God.

A boat in front of us, filled to the absolute maximum with passengers, brought themselves to the side of the ship and after much maneuvering, a woman was the first to climb onto the Carpathia as others followed. Well, at least people are getting onto the ship without too much of a problem. I sighed somewhat with relief. At least we’ll be out of this lifeboat, that’s a positive within itself.

"Come on, lads, let’s quicken up the pace!" Harry shouted as he threw the flare into the water, once he realized it was frivolous to keep waving it about like a maniac. Everything else after that, seemed to be quite a blur and the next time I blinked, we were beside the Carpathia and one of the officers who had been rowing was climbing up the rope ladder very fast. Huh, I wonder why. "You ready, Love?" I turned to see Harry, gesturing to the ladder before holding out his hand to me.

"We’re going to climb up that?" I asked skeptically, pointing to the unsteady ladder. I don’t know if I have the strength.

"We have to," he responded, taking my hand as he stood me up. I must have this sincere look of doubt on my face, for he smiled and said, "Oh, you can do it." He paused. "If those officers could, you know it can’t be that difficult. Besides, I’d carry you if I could." I wish he could.

He led me towards the ladder as the officers from the Carpathia kept a steady grip on it. That’s reassuring. I took a hold of the rope and began to slowly climb, with Harry behind me. As I kept my eyes on the Carpathia’s doorway, I now notice that, standing beside the officers looked to be the Captain. He looked so familiar—I know I’ve never met him. He sort of looks like a mix between Wilde and Will…Oh, Will. My mind seemed to flash back to last night when Will put that gun to his head. I shuddered at the thought, trying to get the thought past me. I may never.

"Ann, keep going!" Harry urged. Had I stopped? I must have, for my feet had stopped moving. I gripped the ladder tighter between my fingers than before and kept on climbing. "There you go, you’re alright…" I almost lost my balance and clung to the ladder for dear life.

"I’m going to fall!" I shivered down to him.

"No, no, you won’t," Harry reassured me.

"Yes, I will!"

"If you do, I’m right here to catch you. I’m not going to let you fall, Antoinette." I know he won’t—I trust him. He wouldn’t let me fall. After all of this, why would he?

Continuing to climb, my hands are still numb. Even though the sun seems to be shining, not high in the sky just yet—just shining, and warming everything, it just isn’t warming me up. At all.

"There you are, Miss," one officer from the Carpathia said as him and another took my hands and pulled me up onto the ship. It’s so nice to be on level ground again—and it’s also quite a relief to know that this nightmare is finally over. Or is it?

Chapter Thirty-One
Stories