It had been two days since her first attempt to tell him about her experiences, and neither of them had dared mention it. Jack was terrified of sending her into another flashback. Rose was just ashamed of herself. She kept wishing she could curl into a ball and disappear. Things might have continued on like that forever if the silence hadn't started getting to her.
"Jack," she said quietly, keeping her head down. "I need to try again."
"Are you sure?" he asked, making no attempt to hide his concern for her.
She nodded quickly. "I have to. We can't stay like this forever. It isn't fair to you...it isn't fair to me." Her voice rose slightly. "And the longer I wait, the harder it'll be, until eventually it won't be possible."
"Okay." He touched her hand.
"I thought you were dead," she continued. "You...it didn't seem possible that you could be alive. I was so sure...and when the boat came I almost didn't get on it. I didn't even care it was there. I just wanted to stay with you. I don't know how I could have been so stupid...how I could be so wrong.."
"You weren't the only one that was sure I was dead. The officer who pulled me into a boat almost threw me back in. He only didn't because someone else said they could see me breathing."
"How did you know I was alive?"
"At first I didn't. When I checked the survivor list, your name wasn't on it, but then I looked under a different one."
"When they asked me what my name was, I couldn't imagine saying anything else."
Jack wanted to say, "Because that's what it should be," but he didn't. Instead, he remained quiet and waited for her to continue.
"I knew I had to find some way to survive without you, no matter how much I didn't want to, and I found something that made me think maybe things might be okay. I wouldn't be happy—how could I be, without you? But I would be able to take care of myself until I figured out where to go or what to do...except I was wrong." She paused.
Jack could see she was becoming lost in her thoughts. "Go on, Rose," he said gently. "If you can."
"I needed that." She took a deep breath and began again. "You weren't the only one who thought to look at the list again. I never saw it coming. I was so wrapped up in the pain of losing you I wasn't paying enough attention to what was going on around me. One minute I was alone, and the next…I wasn't."
"What happened?" he asked, though a part of him would have preferred to never know.
April 16, 1912
Cal had just about given her up for dead when he heard there was a survivor list circulating. He checked. She wasn't there. All the more proof, he thought. But then it hit him. He checked again. So, that's what she's doing.
It didn't take him long to spot her once he reached the third class area. There was no mistaking that hair. He stayed out of sight, hoping to lull her into a false sense of security. Either it worked or she was too far gone to think about watching for him. He didn't really care which it was. He followed her off the ship, biding his time. Waiting for the crowd to thin out.
Finally, it did.
Rose stopped walking and looked around. She would have been hopelessly lost, except that she had no idea where she was going. Suddenly, she felt a hand curl around her throat. Her body stiffened.
"You look a bit lost, Sweetpea."
Calm down. Don't panic, her mind ordered.
It was good advice. Too bad it wouldn't change anything.
Rose didn't remember anything after that until she found herself struggling toward consciousness. She didn't know where she was or how she had gotten there. She looked around. Her heart began to sink. "No," she said aloud. "No, no, no."
*****
"No, no," present day Rose chanted. She slowly rocked back and forth. Her eyes stared at some distant object only she could see.
"Rose, come back." Jack's voice was soft but insistent. "You have to come back. It's over. You're safe now." He moved to put an arm around her, but she jumped away as if he'd hit her.
She buried her face in her arms. "Don't," she pleaded. "Please don't touch me."
"I won't," he said soothingly. "I won't do anything you don't want me to do." She began to cry quietly. "Just breathe," he said. "You're safe now. Try to believe me."
"I tried to—I couldn't—" she stammered.
"Rose, it's okay. You don't have to do this." Jack was on the verge of tears himself. He pushed them back. He had to be strong for her. She needed him.
She continued as if she hadn't heard him. "I have to try..."
April, 1912
She didn't know how long she'd been there. It hurt to swallow. Her throat felt swollen to the touch. There was a mirror, but she didn't bother getting up to see how it looked. She just lay there, staring up at the ceiling. She doubted she could find a way out, even if she tried. Eventually, her attention was drawn to the sound of a door opening. She turned her head, but her view was obscured by furniture. She could hear the door closing and footsteps growing closer. She squeezed her eyes shut. Maybe if it looked like she hadn't woken up...
Pain shot through her. She gasped. She barely had time to react before Cal hit her side with another swift kick. Tears spilled out of her eyes.
"That's what you get for lying," he said. He dropped to his knees and pinned her to the floor. She looked up into his face and saw...nothing. Just nothing. His eyes were empty. There was none of the anger she had expected to see, and that scared her even more.
Fall, 1915
"You okay?" Jack asked. He wanted to touch her, but he knew better than to try.
She nodded. "I'm all right."
"Do you want to stop?"
She shook her head. "But I think you know what happened next."