IMAGES OF ONESELF
Chapter Nine

Rose stood in the small alcove of their hotel room looking down at the wide expanse of beach. In the moonlight, the sand shimmered and the whitecaps glistened as they broke along the shore. The lights from the pier still glowed brightly as the workers cleaned up from the day’s activities. The laughter of some late night merrymakers drifted up to the window.

She leaned against the wall, wincing slightly as she moved her sore foot. “I certainly didn’t need that,” she thought. It had cost her a great deal of effort to hobble from the bed to the window. Looking down at it in the dim light, it still looked tight and swollen. “Now I feel like such a burden to Jack with this.”

Her mind was tumbling with thoughts of Jack, of their son and what she herself was going to do now. Slowly she turned her head and gazed at Jack asleep on the bed behind her. He looked so calm and peaceful. Certainly he could not be as troubled as she was right now. When she looked back out the window, she did not see the beach. Instead, she saw her son’s eyes. As brightly blue as his father’s. Eyes that were filled with optimism and enthusiasm as he spoke of his plans for the future. Plans that did not include staying in Santa Monica.

“Mom? Dad has offered to help me pay for a college education. He saw my artwork, the drawings I make of buildings, and he agreed that I should go and study to become an architect. Just like I always wanted to.”

She had watched as young Jack had turned to her and then his father, noticing the expressions on their faces. Jack had smiled and nodded his head proudly, but as her son turned to her, the sadness and confusion on her face was suddenly mirrored on his own. She felt guilty that at that moment she was unable to share in his happiness.

“Mom, maybe when we get to Chippewa Falls, we can go down to Eau Claire and see the school. Maybe that will make you feel better,” he suggested hopefully.

Rose remembered shaking her head almost numbly. After the life she had built for them here, he was ready to give it all up in a second and go to Wisconsin. A place where he had spent only a few weeks. She felt betrayed and angry. How could Jack just have taken everything out of her hands? He knew she was alive by the time he was making these suggestions. Why hadn’t he waited to talk to her first? Had he also become the same kind of controlling person as Cal had been? He had just marched right back into her life today and turned everything upside down. Just like he had strolled into her existence in 1912 and changed things for her. The difference was that then she had made the decisions with him and was sure of the changes she wanted. She had needed saving then and he had come to save her again today. But maybe he could have done it with a little less manipulation. At least it seemed that way to her.

On the nightstand stood an unopened bottle of wine and next to it a wilting flower. She could only imagine the high hopes that Jack had for this night. He was such a confident person. “He must have thought this really was for the best.” The image of her son flashed through her mind once more. How could she deny him this wonderful opportunity? In her current financial situation, she could never have afforded to do this herself. But how could she let him go and be with Jack and stay here by herself. Rose covered her face with her hands and shook her head. “Jack, Jack, I’m glad that you found me. Just why does this have to be so confusing?”

At the dinner they’d eaten tonight in the hotel, she had seen more food than she had in the past year. It had been months since she had felt satisfied after a meal. She had been worried that Jack was spending too much money on her. But he had gone on to explain that while he was not by any means wealthy, he was in better shape than most of his neighbors. Mostly due to his frugality over the years and the fact the he’d had a premonition to get his money out of the bank before it closed.

They had all gotten through the strained atmosphere of dinner with a great deal of effort. Jack had tried to make her relax and their son had tried to pretend that this was an everyday occurrence. It had not worked. She had withdrawn, not knowing what to say or do. They had all ended up being very uncomfortable. It was no wonder that their son had hastily made his excuses after the meal.

On top of everything else there was still the topic of Titanic to discuss. Before Jack could even ask her, she had just blurted out the story of what had happened to her, anxious to free herself of the memories that she had kept locked inside for so long. At least that was over. That mystery was solved. The sad part was that while on the Carpathia, they had only been a short distance apart, but both of them too ill and too traumatized to look any further.

“What if we had found each other then?” she murmured. “Life would have been so much simpler and we wouldn’t have had all this pain.”

She watched as Jack turned over in his sleep. Only a few hours ago he had helped her prepare for bed. He had been so kind and attentive, offering her one of his clean shirts to wear, helping her to undress and get ready for bed. While she had been embarrassed by her thin body, he had told her she was a beautiful as ever. And while she felt the stirrings of desire, he had been a perfect gentleman. She had been hypnotized by his eyes as he helped her undress. Never in all these eighteen years had she ever forgotten the intensity of those eyes. When she looked into them her heart started to pound. All he had to do was stare at her and she was ready to follow him to the ends of the earth. Why then, did everything seem so complicated.

In her heart, she knew that she would never survive the pain of letting him go. But was she cut out to move from here and start all over on a farm thousands of miles away in Wisconsin? What if there were narrow-minded people who would make comments about their unmarried state or ostracize their child because he had been born out of wedlock? How would she survive that? On the other hand, would Jack knowingly take her somewhere where she would not fit in and people would make her feel bad? Somehow she did not think so.

She reached down to the back of the chair where the shirt he had worn yesterday hung. Slowly she lifted it up and buried her face in the folds. It smelled of the sun-baked beach, of the sea air and of Jack’s spicy aftershave lotion. She drank in the scent, her body starting to tingle as she recalled his touch on her. Rose leaned her head back and clutched the shirt close to her body. She thought back to those days aboard the ship, remembering every detail of what they did together, all the words he had ever said to her playing over and over in her head. Those things had been her life all these years. Now he was here, alive, and she was just as much in love with him. She had not been able to let go of him for eighteen years. She could not let him go now. Deep inside her, she knew that.

“Oh, Jack,” she said, forgetting that she was speaking out loud. “Living without you thinking you were dead, has been impossible. Living without you now, knowing you are alive would be unbearable.”

She began to choke on the sobs that wracked her body. Still holding tightly to the shirt, she rested her head against the window for support. Rose stood there crying, her tears soaking the white fabric of his garment, unaware that Jack was awake and watching her.

“Living without you now, knowing you are alive, would be unbearable.”

Jack felt the pounding of his pulse when he heard her utter those words. Before he had left Chippewa Falls, he had hoped she would agree to marry him. After finding her today and seeing her confusion and reticence, he had decided not to bring the issue up right away. He had not wanted her to feel trapped or obligated to stay with him if her feelings for him had changed. He wondered if he should have said something to begin with. Maybe that was the reason for her reluctance. Now she had spoken words that gave him every reason to dream that a marriage between them could become a reality. What she had just said indicated that she could not and did not want to be without him.

Silently he left the bed. He grabbed his robe and padded across the short distance of the room to where she stood. He felt her stiffen slightly for a moment as he encircled her with his arms.

“Oh, Jack,” she whispered, her body slowly melting against his. She leaned into his embrace, wanting somehow to know that his support would be hers forever.

He could feel her chest rising and falling rapidly as he held her. He had to speak the words that were in his heart now. There was no more time to waste. They needed to settle things tonight. “Rose,” he said softly, smoothing her hair, “come home with me to Chippewa Falls as my wife, as you should have been all these years. Marry me, Rose.”

He felt her breathing become more ragged and she remained silent. Then he felt an almost imperceptible up and down motion of her head, followed by her soft cultured voice saying, “Yes, Jack. Yes.”

Jack bent his head slightly, kissing first the top of her head, her forehead, the tip of her nose and then urgently crushing his lips against hers. He heard her soft moan and her body yielded to the pressure of his.

“Oh, Jack.” She was breathless as their mouths separated. “I would go mad thinking about that night on the ship. I always dreamt of this, losing my mind over something I knew could not be. I want this so much. I love you.” Rose rested her head on his shoulder, her cheeks coming in contact with his scratchy terry cloth robe, its rough texture in sharp contrast to the gentleness of Jack.

Jack’s spoke in a hushed voice as he gently rubbed his thumb across her cheek. “You had me pretty nervous, Rose. I was afraid that I would be going home alone. Since I learned that you were okay, this is all I could think of.”

Rose took his hand and raised it to her mouth, kissing his work hardened fingers. “I was so tired, so confused. I don’t know what was wrong with me.” She studied his face that was now filled with anticipation. When she had been so uncertain about what she was going to do, he must have been as hurt as he’d been that afternoon on Titanic. Now everything seemed clear to her. She knew what had to happen. They must have a life together. “I want this too, Jack. Very much.” She lifted his palm to the side of her face, thrilling to the warmth of his skin.

“I just want to say one thing Rose. Just so we’re both sure.”

“What?” Her forehead creased wondering if there was going to be some other complication.

Jack rested his hands on her shoulders and gazed into her eyes. He cleared his throat in an attempt to buy some time as he collected his thoughts. “Life on a farm isn’t easy Rose. There are lots of ups and downs. The weather, the economy, all those things affect how things go. I just want you to know that.”

She smiled at him, sending relief coursing through his body. He relaxed for the first time in twenty-four hours. Everything was going to work out as he had planned. They would pick up the threads of their lives that had been broken in the early morning hours of April 15, 1912.

“I’m not worried, not anymore. I really don’t know anything about farms, but if you’ll show me, I think I can do anything with you.” She looked as if she were trying to suppress a giggle. “Some farm wife you’ll be bringing home, Jack.” She covered her mouth but he could see the laughter in her face. “I don’t think I even know the difference between a hen and a rooster.”

A smile spread across Jack’s face and his eyes sparkled with amusement. “Trust me, Rose. I’ll teach you everything you need to know.”

“Really, Jack? Everything?”

He caught the look of mischief in her eyes and knew that she was not talking about farming now. He realized that at last the Rose he had once known and first met was starting to emerge.

“Come on, let me help you back to bed.” He put his arm around her, supporting her as they walked toward the bed. She sat down on the soft mattress with Jack beside her. With her hands folded in her lap she looked as demure and innocent as a schoolgirl. It was her eyes that betrayed her. Jack watched as those green eyes smoldered with passion. Only too well did he remember the ardor with which she had given herself to him. He threaded his fingers through her hair, lifting the fragrant tendrils to his face. “We’ll never be rich,” Jack said, barely able to speak, “but when we are together like this, we’ll be the wealthiest people in the world. Because we will belong only to each other. I love you, Rose. More than anything.”

She curved her arms around Jack’s shoulders and nuzzled her face against his chest. There was a burning sensation as she made contact with his body in the gap where his robe had opened. She could feel the fire of their passion starting to ignite. Just being close to Jack sparked feelings that sent her mind spiraling to the stars.

Jack felt his heart pounding so loud that he was sure Rose could hear it too. He tenderly grasped her arms that were entwined around his neck and pushed her down on the mattress. Her hair spread out on the pillow like a copper colored cloud at sunset. He searched her eyes and found the answer to his unspoken question in her unwavering expression of love. His fingers fumbled in moonlit room as he felt for the buttons of the shirt she wore. Finally he found what he sought and he started unbuttoning the front of the garment.

“Jack?” she whispered in a husky voice.

“Hmm,” was his throaty answer.

“What, what? What are you doing?”

“Shh, Rose. Relax. Where we’re going now you have no need for what you’ve got on.”

She shivered with pleasure as Jack kissed the hollow of her throat. With her eyes closed her senses stared to explode. She was aware of the sound of their breathing, the rustle of the sheets and the touch of Jack’s love.

Chapter Ten
Stories