IMAGES OF ONESELF
Chapter Eleven

Rose turned over in bed, kicking the covers off as she went. It was warm for late October and the heat of the day still penetrated the stuffy rooms of the house. Rooms that had been closed up for the last week, when Jack had been in California. She took a deep breath listening to the unfamiliar sounds around her. Tonight was her first night in her new home. Jack’s home in Chippewa Falls. In the distance she heard the “woo, woo” of a steam engine as it passed the outskirts of town. Rose could have sworn she heard the crashing of the waves from the ocean she was so familiar with. Since that was impossible it must be the wind whispering through the cornstalks in the almost empty fields. It smelled different here too. At home, she had known the fragrance of her roses and the salty scent of the sea. She wrinkled her nose to sniff and there was a distinct odor of wood smoke. Not exactly an unpleasant smell, but unfamiliar to her.

She lifted her hair from where it stuck to the back of her neck. Restlessness had plagued her since she went to bed tonight. It had been a long time since she had been in strange bed. For sixteen years she and her son had shared their tiny white cottage in Santa Monica and for the past year, she had slept in that miserable boarding house. Now for the first time in so many years, she was in a different climate, in a house that she was not used to. Out in the country there were the sounds of nature and the very silence itself that sometimes seemed deafening. She wondered if she would continue to toss and turn all night. Rose hesitated waking Jack, since she knew he was tired from traveling and had to get up early in the morning to get back to his farm routine. Her mind rambled from one thing to another. So much had happened in the last week that nothing seemed real. She only knew for certain that this was not all a dream whenever she felt the weight of Jack’s body against hers. Then reality hit home and she was well aware of how her life had changed. For the better, of course.

Could it be such a short time ago that she had felt alone and hopeless? She had expected her son to come home and he had. But instead of coming alone, he had brought her Jack. Not that everything had fallen into place right away. She could not believe that she had hesitated for even one instant when Jack had suggested that they marry and come back here. What had she been thinking of? But it mattered not now. For here they were. A family settled under one roof. A mother and father, now a married couple and their son. The person who had made it all possible.

Their impromptu wedding had been a bit unusual with young Jack filling two roles, giving the bride away and best man. Rose had almost been in a trance as she stood between a son who reminded her so much of Jack when she first met him and her own Jack, now her husband. He had only grown more handsome and self-assured over the years, while their son had reached a new level of maturity on his travels. They had all filed into the judge’s chamber at the courthouse last Friday afternoon. Her two men dressed in their new suits, her son looking a bit uncomfortable in his first foray in the real world of adulthood, but thrilled just the same at the unbelievable events of the day. Jack had appeared positively at ease, as if getting married was an everyday occurrence for him. Whatever nervousness he might have felt was well hidden.

Rose recalled how she herself had felt a bit on edge. Not as much from the ceremony but rather from her dress. Her lilac colored crepe silk suit, which was cut on the bias, flowed around her legs. The jacket had lapels and a v neck which dipped down more than she was used to. It showed….well, it showed more than she was used to showing. Even in her movie roles, Rose had always found a piece of lace or a shawl to cover herself modestly. Attracting attention in those long years when she had been raising a child alone had been on the bottom of her list of priorities. While her wedding outfit was by no mean inappropriate, it would take her awhile to get used to dressing her age, instead of trying to look older and unapproachable.

Her recollections from the day were few, as she had been so excited. She remembered a ceiling fan wobbling unevenly as it spun around, it’s wind ruffling their hair. Jack’s voice had been golden and firm as he made his replies in the wedding service. The one thing she had teased him mercilessly about was her wedding ring. When she saw the name of the Chippewa Falls jeweler on the box, she had playfully tormented him about how sure he had been that she would agree to be his wife. “You just always have to have your way, don’t you, Jack.”

“My own way, as long as it’s with you,” he countered. It pleased him that Rose’s sense of humor had returned. That was the side of her that he found so irresistible and something that was somewhat unexpected from the glamorous looking Rose.

The family of three adjourned to the hotel’s nicest restaurant for dinner and later that night, when she and Jack were alone, they had finally opened the bottle of wine and Rose tucked yesterday’s flower behind her ear. Their wedding night had been one of romantic passion.

It had all happened so quickly. The time from when Jack had found her until this moment when she had at last come home to Chippewa Falls seemed to have been compressed from days into seconds. She hoped that now that she was settled, her life with Jack would pass in slow contentment.

She had to stop thinking. Her mind needed to stop so she could rest. Rose knew she had to get to sleep. Her day tomorrow would be filled with learning new things and adjusting to life on a farm. Jack had promised to show her around and introduce her to some of the neighbors.

“Jack?” Rose whispered his name, hoping that she was not waking him up. Perhaps he too was too excited to sleep. “Jack?” she called again. This time Rose sat halfway up and reached out for him. Her body tensed when she realized that he was not there. Rose got out of bed determined to find him. “Where could he have gone?” When she poked her head out in the hallway, she noted that the bathroom light was off and the door open. Not in there. No lights shone from downstairs. She grabbed a plaid blanket that hung on the rail in the hall. It covered her nightgown and would provide her with some warmth outside.

She searched all the rooms on the first floor before noticing a dim light coming from the barn. “He must have gone out there.” Rose dashed down the back steps and ran across the barnyard, eager to find Jack and see what he was doing. Perhaps getting up at night was some part of the routine of living on a farm. When she reached the doorway of the barn, she heard Jack’s voice.

Not knowing what to do or wanting to startle the animals, she stood silently in the doorway. She glanced around the huge barn, taking in the unfamiliar pieces of equipment, her eyes searching until she spotted Jack at the far end of the building. Clad in a flannel shirt, denim pants and boots, he was stroking a big chestnut colored horse, talking softly to her, as if trying to calm the animal. His actions were typically gentle and kind. Rose listened straining to hear what he was saying. “There, now Alice. We got that stone out of your hoof. You can settle down. I’ll get you some extra food.” She watched, fascinated, as Jack took a pitchfork and jabbed it into a pile of hay in the far corner of the barn. He seemed so at home here, his motions so sure. Truly he was in his element. Jack was an amazing person. He was as comfortable here as he as been at the first class dinner on Titanic. She felt a surge of pride as she realized that he was now her husband, that they belonged together for the rest of their lives.

He latched the gate of Alice’s stall and moved down the row checking on the other horse and the cows, quietly settling them for the night. Once in awhile he poured a bucket of water into a trough or scooped some feed corn into a metal dish. No matter how strange this place seemed or how irritating some of the smells were nothing else was important as long as she would be a part of Jack’s life. Even if it did involve some strange ritual of talking to the animals at midnight.

She took a few steps beyond the doorway and cleared her throat. Jack, startled looked up. But as soon as he saw her, his face broke into a smile.

“Rose, what are you doing here? I thought you were sleeping.”

“I was asleep, but then I woke up and just started thinking about all that had happened. I wanted to wake you up and talk and when I finally did you were gone.” She drew the blanket closer around her in the night air. The wind had shifted, coming now from the north and suddenly she felt cold. “I wondered where you were. I guess I might ask you the same thing. What are you doing out here?”

He put his hands on his hips, drinking in the sight of his slightly disheveled wife. Her face was flushed from the warmth of the bedroom and her hair was tousled from her restlessness. “I heard some sounds from the barn. I thought I better have a look. Good thing too, since Alice was pretty uncomfortable with that stone in her hoof.”

“You mean you heard that from our bedroom?” She pointed her finger behind her, towards the house.

He shook his head up and down in affirmation. “Any soft sound like that will always wake me from a deep sleep.”

Rose brought her hands to her mouth and studied Jack. How wonderful it would have been to have him around when their son had been a baby. “Someday, you’ll make a wonderful father.”

He started chuckling. “Hopefully, I already am.”

“Oh, Jack, I mean….I mean if we have another baby. If...I mean.” Rose stumbled over her words, not meaning to insult Jack’s abilities as a father. Of course he was a good father, now that he had the opportunity. Deep inside she hoped that they would one day have another chance at parenting. She couldn’t think of anything more special than to have Jack at her side everyday during a pregnancy, to have him share the miracle of birth. She would give everything she had for that to happen.

He smiled at her, understanding her mistake. Missing young Jack’s childhood was a sadness he would carry with him forever, even though it could not have been helped. Maybe he and Rose would have another chance. As he watched her duck her head in embarrassment, Jack’s eyes were drawn to her feet. “Rose, you shouldn’t be out here in bare feet.”

She looked down and dug her toes into the cold earth. “Why? I always walked around without shoes at home, I mean in California.” She was puzzled and confused. The one thing she loved was walking barefoot.

Jack put down his shovel and walked over to her. Quietly he explained the dangers of not wearing shoes in a barnyard. The combination of rust and animal waste in an open sore could be fatal. “Now that I’ve got you here, I don’t want anything to happen to you. So I have a solution to the problem, for right now.”

She lifted her eyebrows wondering what was coming next.

“I’ll just have to carry you back to the house.” He grinned and she saw once again the charming boyish expression that had captured her heart when she first met him. “But first, how about a tour of the barn?”

The breath was knocked out of her as Jack scooped her up. She put her arms around his neck and hung on tightly as he carried her from one stall to the other introducing her to the animals. He stopped first before the horse he had been comforting. “Alice, I’d like you to meet Rose.” As if on cue, the huge animal whinnied softly and shook her head up and down. Rose reached out and stroked Alice’s velvety nose.

“So after four hours at home, you leave me for another woman.” Rose giggled and snuggled in the crook of Jack’s neck.

“Some woman. Alice is very docile. I prefer more of a challenge. Like you.” He bounced her slightly in his arms, enchanting her with the laughter in his eyes. His thoughts went back to a few days ago when he wondered if he would get Rose back here with him. He was more than grateful that things had worked out the way he hoped. Life alone here would not be worth living without her.

Jack explained to her the various metal implements, the different kinds of feed for each animal and process for milking a cow. He promised that as soon as the cows were used to her and vice versa, he would teach Rose how to do that. Each animal had a sign on the wall above them decorated with their name and a fanciful pattern of flowers. “Did you do all of this?” she asked, pointing to the wooden plaques.

“No, Jack did. He had some time to spare when he was here and I encouraged him to do want he wanted to improve the place. It didn’t take more than a few days for him to feel at home, once we settled our differences.” Rose nodded remembering the story of the night when the two Jack’s had discovered they were father and son. Jack turned his head, trying to blow the hair out of his face. Rose realized his dilemma and brushed it away for him. Being in his arms, touching him like that, was an electrifying experience. Suddenly the barn seemed a very intimate space. Had he not been her husband, she would have felt very uneasy.

Jack looked down into her eyes, his thoughts moving away from showing her the barn. He shifted her weight in his arms. Her body still felt thin, but another few weeks of good food and fresh air made him confident that his old curvaceous Rose would reappear.

Rose too sensed a change in Jack’s mood. She could see the intensity of his gaze deepen and heard his breathing quicken. “Jack, maybe we should go back in. I think…”

“What do you think, Rose? I have a little more to show you here. You’re not nervous are you?” He gave her a gentle smile. She shook her head noiselessly, but inside her heart was pounding. All she could think of was that wonderful night in the Renault. When Jack stopped at the ladder to the hayloft she was surprised. He let her down and motioned for her to climb to the top. Certainly there could be nothing up there but darkness and hay.

She glanced back with an uncertain expression on her face. “Jack? There’s nothing to see up here. Is there? Just some hay. It’s dark too.”

His eyes twinkled as he answered her question. “Precisely. I can tell you’re not from around these parts, Mrs. Dawson. The hayloft is one of the first places a boy always wants to show a girl,” he said, unable to control his mischievous look.

“Jack, why are we….?” She felt the pressure of his hand on her back, urging her upward, but got no answer to her question. As she climbed higher the odor of sweet fresh hay filled her nose. When she was level with the floor, she could make out something shiny lying on top of the hay. A few more steps and she found herself standing in the loft. Jack followed her up. When he too was standing, he pulled her against him and cradled her head against his chest.

“Rose, I guess no one ever asked you to have a little roll in the hay?” He was amused as she glanced up at him with a bewildered look. She didn’t know that this would be his first time up here too. At least the first time for this.

She felt the warmth of his breath on her hair, realizing at last why they were here. Rose glanced sideways to the bed of hay next to her and saw that the shiny object was a satin coverlet. Jack must have planned all of this. “No, no one ever did. Are you asking now?” she whispered, shyly.

“Yeah. I was hoping you’d come out here. One way or another, Rose, I wanted to make your first night home special.”

Before she was sure of how it happened, Rose felt the silky fabric against her back. She arched her neck and saw Jack’s face inches from her.

“Nervous?” he asked again, in a voice reminiscent from their past.

She framed his face with her hands and drew him closer. “Only that this won’t last forever, Jack. I love you.”

He sank down against her and murmured in her ear. He could almost feel the tingling of her skin as he touched her. “This time, it will. I promise.”

Jack was asleep with Pepper curled up at the foot of his bed. He had awoken several times during the night with the sounds of footsteps on the stairs and crunching noises outside. He assumed that his father had gone out to the barn and returned. He lie there quietly listening to the ticking of the alarm clock on the table next to his bed when he heard a low rumble from Pepper’s throat.

“What is it, Pepper? You hear something that I don’t?” He watched the dog’s ears twitch slightly and then she grumbled softly again. The dog jumped out of the bed and ran to the window. She put her paws up on the windowsill and her tail began to wag. “What is it?” he asked again. “Who could be around at this time of the night that you would be wagging your tail for?” The clock said four thirty. The boy threw off his blanket and sat up, groggy, as he rubbed his eyes. Now he too heard footsteps and murmuring voices outside. He decided that he should investigate as well.

The boy stood up and walked to the window. Pepper was moaning softly, a sound that meant she was happy and excited. He looked through the glass and at first did not see anything. When his eyes finally adjusted, he could make out a figure coming from the direction of the barn. It was a person carrying something. He listened carefully and finally was able to detect voices.

“Jack, this is shameless. What if anyone sees?”

“They won’t,” came the reassuring answer.

His mouth dropped when he realized what was going on. It was his father carrying his mother. Her head was tucked securely under his chin, his face was bent protectively over hers. They whispered and laughed and then he saw them kiss. He realized then that they had been in the barn, for some time in fact. The clock had said midnight when he’d heard the last set of footsteps. He knew that he should back away from the window, well aware that this was a private moment for them, but what he saw was so wonderful, so beautiful, that he could not help himself. In all the movies he had seen and in all the books he had read, never had he come across such a scene of deep and affectionate love as he witnessed now before him. He was understanding more all the time just what it was that had connected the melancholy woman who had raised him with the moody man he’d met when he first arrived here. Together they were the catalyst each other needed for igniting the fires of passion for living and high spirits that smoldered in their souls. Without one, the other was nothing. Seeing them now, joyful and happy, he had to admit that his parents had to be the two most romantic and remarkable people in the world.

He had always known that something painful had happened to his mother and of course, now he understood the reason. Little things had started coming back to him. He remembered once going to a school function when he was very young, how he had asked constantly about why he couldn’t have father like everyone else. Now he recalled the shattered expression on his mother’s face. Another time they had been shopping in Hollywood. There had been a man on the sidewalk ahead of them with about the same build as his dad and with the same color hair. Without thinking his mom had gasped the words, “Jack, Jack.” The man turned around and asked if she had been talking to him. He understood now his mother’s embarrassment and why she had remained quiet the rest of the day, her face streaked with her silent tears. The ordeals that both of them had gone through were just starting to dawn on him. He could not even begin to imagine the pain they had suffered.

When he had first arrived here at the farm and seen his dad, before he had known for sure who he was, he had looked like the living dead. The body functioned but the eyes had no life in them. Once he told his dad that his mother was alive, he had instantly become a changed person. His vitality returned and the color in his eyes turned to a more brilliant blue. He understood now that they needed each other as much as they needed air to breathe.

Pepper turned and ran down the stairs, his tail wagging furiously as he went. She never missed a chance to great her master. Jack sighed and walked slowly back to his bed. Never in his life did he imagine himself looking out the window of a Wisconsin farmhouse, watching his parents, seeing their love for one another and feeling for the first time in his life like a whole person. Taking that road trip had been a risk. Anything could have happened. He knew it had been a cause of anxiety to his mother the whole time he had been gone. Who could have predicted the end result? Who could have imagined the gift he would bring home? His father had told him how glad he was that he had set out on that journey. Now it had brought them all home, to a place filled with love. A love that would last forever.

Epilogue
Stories