IMAGES OF ONESELF
Chapter Eight

Rose and Jack stood at the end of the pier, listening to the water lapping against the footings. Behind them, the echoes of the evening merrymakers drifted lightly in the cool evening air. The colored lights of the carousel and the game stands twinkled like a galaxy of multi-colored stars. In front of them stretched the dark, shimmering cloak of the ocean.

Just an hour earlier they’d had their first dinner together as a family. Jack had imagined a joyous, festive occasion and it had begun that way. But by the time the meal had ended there were quiet gaps in the conversation and a tension between all of them. Rose especially seemed to find the situation awkward.

Here they were, three people connected in the closest possible way, parents and child, but each of them now drifting far apart with their own thoughts. Jack himself suddenly wondered where he fit into the picture. He had developed these last few weeks the beginnings of a strong father and son relationship. But when he watched Rose, he saw jealousy in her eyes. Something he had never associated with her. Of course, the boy had been the man in her life for seventeen years. Her companion and protector. Surely though she would see the importance of him having the role model of a father.

Young Jack had looked from on parent to another as if confusion reigned in his head. His parents seemed to be vying for his attention. His mother asking him what his plans were now that he was back in California, his father talking about the advantages of going to college in Wisconsin. Jack sensed that the boy had the feeling of being torn in half.

It was about half way through the dinner, when Jack had brought up the subject of their son studying in Wisconsin, that Rose’s demeanor changed. She looked tired and confused, but at the mention of school subject, she had withdrawn totally from the conversation. Jack and his son ate their dessert in silence, their eyes not even meeting.

Young Jack, following his father’s instructions and excused himself to his room, understanding that his parents needed more time alone. Jack convinced Rose to take a stroll along the pier. Lightheartedly, he suggested that they would at last fulfill the dream they once talked about. Rose gave him a brief smile and followed him out of the hotel with little enthusiasm. He was crushed that she didn’t even seem interested in being alone with him. Silently they walked along the long promenade that led out over the water, like two strangers, instead of long lost lovers.

She stood with her shoulder touching his. Her hair lifted gently in the cool breeze. A shiver went down her spine. It seemed strange that on a night that should have been so happy, she felt a hard knot in the pit of her stomach.

Jack turned to her. “Cold?” he asked, tenderly slipping his jacket around her.

“A little.” She looked up at him with an uncertain smile of her face as she pulled the garment close around her shoulders. Rose felt the added warmth of his arm across her back.

He sighed, satisfied that she had not wiggled out of his touch. This afternoon in her room, everything had seemed so simple, so straightforward. Just go in and rescue Rose and take her home, assuming that there would be no opposition on her part. His formula was not working.

“Rose, what is it? What’s bothering you? Something happened during dinner. Tell me.” He had put his hands on her shoulders and turned her to face him.

Silently she shook her head. Her eyes were down as she spoke. “Don’t you understand, Jack. You want our son to come back to Wisconsin, give up all his friends here, the life he has here.” She twisted her hands in front of her, still unable to look at Jack. “You dangle this opportunity in front of him, without asking me. Just expecting us to uproot ourselves, like that. This is the only place he knows. We’ve lived here for eighteen years. I’ve built a life here too.”

Jack lifted his hands off of her and clasped them behind his back. He moved away from Rose and stood looking back at the lights of Santa Monica. “So I see,” he said sarcastically. If her idea of a life was residing in a crumbling boarding house, living on crumbs of food, then he wondered if she had lost her mind.

“Jack, that was cruel.” She hissed back at him, stunned by his scathing remark. “You can’t tell by what you saw today what my life was like here.” Her voice was quavering. Rose turned back to watch the endless water in front of her.

He threw his hands up in the air in exasperation. “You just said it Rose. Was like. It’s going to be a long time until things get back to normal and you know it.” Jack walked back so that he stood only a few inches from her. “So what are you going to do? Just stay here and wait and starve? Do you want that for him too? How can you stand by and just throw away talent like he has. We’re his parents, Rose. I told him you’d want the best for him.” He watched her unresponsive face. “And you can’t expect me to move here. What on earth would I do? I haven’t seen herds of dairy cows wandering the streets of Santa Monica. I have a farm that makes me a decent living. I won’t give that up. Not in these times.”

Rose turned her head to look at Jack. How could he be making her feel like this? Eighteen years ago she was sure that he would have given up everything for her. Why did she have to feel this confusion? She wanted to be with him, but she wasn’t about to just go live with him in a strange place. He hadn’t said anything else. Oh he meant well for her and the boy, but was he thinking about how this would look? The one thing she’d built for herself was respectability and she wasn’t about to lose that now.

She felt the saltiness of tears on her cheeks. Rose felt the strength go out of her. This was not what she had envisioned for tonight. “I, I think we should go back.” She slowly started heading down the long length of the pier. Things were such a mess and everything she hoped for seemed to be falling apart. Now she had to consider the feelings of three people and she truly did not know what to do.

Jack stood watching her, his forehead furrowed. He bit his lip wondering where he had gone wrong. Oh yes, Rose was still full of fire, but not one that would warm him tonight. She seemed bent on twisting his best laid plans, doing things her way, and totally making a wreck of the relationship he had started to build with his son.

He dashed ahead to catch up with her, standing in front of her, blocking the way. “Please, Rose. Listen to me. You’re tired, I’m tired. Let’s start over tomorrow. I am sure we can find some solution to these problems.”

Rose hung her head to the side. “Jack, when we get back to the hotel, I want my own room.” She said this in a low voice, not really answering his question.

He jerked his head toward her. “What?”

“You heard me. I just need time to think. Please,” she begged with tears in her eyes.

In the darkness, she did not see the grim expression on his face or notice the sad dejected slump of his shoulders.

“Whatever you want, Rose.”

They walked along side by side in a painful silence. Jack with his head down, Rose looking off to the side. Both of them lost in their own chaotic thoughts. Her total rejection of him and his plans now seemed to be a good possibility. And could she not see what this conflict would do to their son. Young Jack was all set to move to Wisconsin and go to school there. Maybe he had been wrong to bring that all up without any input from Rose, but he had been so sure, so positive that she would want to grasp the wonderful opportunity for their child.

Rose’s mind tumbled. She was having a hard time separating the feelings of desire she felt every time she looked at Jack from the hurt he had caused by just charging in with his ideas of how she and the boy should live their lives from here on.

As they moved along the pier, they were surrounded by people who were laughing and singing. They were playing games, enjoying the rides and munching on food. These were carefree, happy people who looked like they gave no thought as to what would happen next in their lives stood out in sharp contrast to Rose and Jack who both appeared to be carrying the burdens of the world on their shoulders.

“Ow!” cried Rose.

Instantly, Jack reached out to her. “What’s wrong?” In spite of everything he was unable to control the concern in his voice.

She grasped the top of her shoulder and hunched her body over. “Oh, God. My foot. I’ve twisted it,” she said, wincing from the pain.

Jack turned and looked a few steps behind him. There he saw the uneven spot in the boards where Rose had injured herself. He put his arms around her waist and gently led her to a nearby bench. She sucked in her breath as she half walked, half hopped along with his help.

“Here, sit down for a minute. Let me see, Rose.” Jack knelt before her and tenderly touched her foot. He saw her bite her lip and her face go white with shock as he carefully moved his hand up and down the top of her foot and ankle. “Doesn’t feel like anything is broken.”

Her face was contorted from the discomfort. “Maybe not, but it still hurts.”

Jack stood up and scratched his head. There was really no way to help her here. He had to get her back to the hotel. “Just take it easy for a minute. Then I’ll help you back and we can get some ice on it when we get to the hotel.”

She nodded numbly, her hand reaching down instinctively to touch her foot. “I’m sorry Jack. I didn’t mean to cause you any trouble.”

“Rose, it’s not your fault and it’s not trouble. Believe me.”

Jack looked back in the distance to the lights of Ocean Boulevard. In his room would be a bottle of wine that he’d bought for their celebration. He’d had his son go and get one red rose to lay on her pillow. Right now he felt like the grains of hope were in his hand and they were slipping out one by one. It was like a race against time. He had to convince Rose that what he wanted was the best for all of them, without making it appear that he was controlling her. To take over her life was not what he intended. He only wanted to take care of her.

He sat down on the bench and took her hand in his. “Rose, I know this is not a good time. Maybe it’s not even fair to say this now. But I want all of us to be together. Not just for Jack, but for us, Rose. You know we belong together. You know that,” he said with urgency in his voice.

She looked over into his eyes, feeling helpless in their depths. Uncontrollable tears poured from her eyes. Her lips were slightly swollen from crying and her beautiful red hair was tousled from the sea breeze. Despite all this, Jack had never seen anyone look so lovely or so vulnerable. Because of this little accident, she was suddenly more dependent on him. Of one thing he was sure. He would fight with everything he had to take her home with him, to give her the life she deserved. But for now he kept his silence.

“Let me get you a cup of coffee,” he offered, when she did not respond to his last remark. A brisk sea breeze had sprung up and he could see her teeth chattering from the cold, even with his suit jacket draped over her shoulders.

Rose shook her head in agreement and watched as Jack walked over to one of the food stands opposite where she sat. His lithe body moved quickly and sure-footedly through the crowds. As he went, she studied him, really noticed everything about him for the first time today. She had admired him at dinner and had taken in a few of the changes in him when he had first found her this afternoon. But now, she saw just what this older Jack was all about. His face had been filled with pride at dinner as he told her of his farm in Wisconsin. It was his old home that he had rebuilt and recultivated single-handedly. She saw too the enthusiasm in her son’s eyes when he talked about his wonderful experiences there and how much he had learned. Rose realized now that she had been foolish to even imagine that Jack would throw that all away. She berated herself now for her selfishness. Under the light that illuminated the coffee shop, she watched Jack engage the clerk in conversation. The crinkles next to his eyes and the slight furrows in his forehead all bespoke of a person who had made hard decisions in his life and had concentrated on making the best of all situations. He seemed like someone who was filled with an innate sense of wisdom. Someone who would intuitively know what was best. She has trusted him in 1912. There was nothing to stop her from trusting him now, except her own stubbornness. She reminded herself that he was a thirty-eight year old man who was now confronted with a family. He had been the kind of person to always take charge of things. Of course he was going to do want the same thing now.

Slowly she felt herself start to soften. Maybe he was right. She was just tired. They were both worn out from all the excitement. After a good night’s sleep, perhaps all of her confusion would subside and she could make the right decisions.

“Here’s your coffee, Rose.” Jack handed her a thick, white china mug filled with the steaming liquid. “This should help warm you up.”

She took the coffee and smiled at him. “Thanks, Jack.” Slowly she sipped the warm drink. She drank it in silence watching him as he gazed out over the water.

“This place sure has changed since I was here in 1911,” he remarked. “That’s nineteen years ago. In some ways, it seems like yesterday and then I see our son and remember just how long ago that was, Rose. All the time we lost together.” He hung his head and turned away from her.

She was filled with a pang of sadness as she thought too of the lost years. But there was nothing to be done about it now. That time was gone forever. Rose took one last sip of her drink and placed the mug down beside her on the bench.

“You done?” he asked.

She nodded.

“Rose, it’ll take some time to get back. Maybe we should get going.” He moved closer and offered her his hand.

“Alright.” She slowly got up from the bench and allowed him to put his arm around her for support. “Jack?” she asked hesitantly. “About all this? I just need some time. I’ve been alone so long. I just need time to think.” She watched as he nodded and she thought she saw understanding in his eyes.

“Come on. Lean against me. It’s a long way up the hill.” Jack eyed the steep incline that led from the pier level to the street. In his mind, he was facing a double challenge, getting her back to the hotel without hurting her and getting her back in his life without hurting all of them.

Later

“How does your foot feel now?” Jack stood at the foot of the bed, looking at Rose who had her leg elevated on a pillow. A thick towel filled with ice rested along the side of her foot.

“As long as I don’t put any weight on it, it’s alright,” she admitted. “Thanks for going to all the trouble to get the ice for me.”

“That’s okay.”

“Jack, what is it?” Rose was concerned about the thoughtful expression on his face.

He let out a sigh before he spoke. “Rose, I know you wanted your own room tonight. And in a way, I can understand why. But now, I can’t let you stay alone. You need help getting up. I won’t take a chance letting you hurt yourself.” He knew it was a risk, going against her wishes. But for the time being, it was the only weapon he had to fight with.

Jack watched as she pretended to examine her hands. Her head was down and he was uncertain as to the look on her face. He waited for her answer, half expecting to be asked to leave. Jack watched as she raised her head and he saw her eyes search for his. He swallowed hard, his heart pounding, waiting for her to speak.

With tears in her eyes, Rose took a breath and gave her response. “You’re right, Jack. I won’t fight you on that.”

He wasn’t sure, but through her bewildered expression, he thought he saw a tiny smile. For the first time all night, he felt a twinge of joy. Perhaps he had just won his first victory.

Chapter Nine
Stories