JACK'S ROSE
Chapter Eleven
December 2, 1912
Dearest Molly,
First of all, I owe you a great apology. I
am forever sorry that I have not written you for so long. When was the last
time? I cringe to think that it was so long ago as July, but I fear it was. And
to make it worse, I have several letters from you. I scold myself, "Mother
Dearest." I cannot say I was busy, for I find myself with most of the day
to do whatever I please. So I suppose that I have just been neglectful of
writing, and I hope you will not be too angry with me. And Merry Christmas,
even though I know it's still a few weeks away. I just fear I might not write
to you again before then. I hope you have the merriest of all Christmases.
Life here is peaceful, but simplistic.
Days are usually the same. But it is what I need right now. Everything is
secure for me.
And for you, Molly? How do you fare? Have you
been traveling at all since April, or have you just subsided as I have? I feel
useless as I sit here day after day, taking my occasional walks to the lake, to
the graveyard, or to the foot of a hill where I have found a cave. But I do
nothing. I left my old life to do something with it, but have not yet.
But I have time to think now, Molly. I
think about Jack. I think about me. And I think about William. William Calvert.
Small towns, I have found, do not take kindly or easily to new people, and both
William and I are "new." He came here from Europe. I met him in May
and in July we became friends, but guilt caused me to put a great distance
between us. But on Thanksgiving Day, we started over, and since then, have
become close. I find him on my mind quite a bit more than I deem comfortable.
When his face enters my thoughts, I have to stand up. Go somewhere. Do
something. Or I drive myself insane trying to divert my mind somewhere else. I
feel as if there is a battle happening inside of me, Molly. One part of me is
clinging to Jack—the part I know will never let go. And the other part is
reaching for William. I can almost feel my mind and heart being split in two.
And so what should I do? What would you
do? Ruth once told me a woman's choices are never easy. I think of her, too.
Have you seen her since April? How is she? I surprised even myself when I first
realized that I—I missed her. I miss her. You, Molly, I know, are the closest
thing that I shall ever have in my life to a true mother, but I think beneath
her icy mask, I think she is more like you...like me...like a person. The look
that crossed her face when I left you as you tried to lure me into the lifeboat
was a look that I had never seen before. Perhaps it was simply because I was
making a scene there in public, but I feel that it was more.
When I think of Jack, though, while those
are my most precious memories, I think my most disturbing thoughts. I have, of
course, mentioned this to no one. Julia and Henry know very little; only that I
was once a DeWitt Bukater, but that, because of a young man named Jack Dawson,
I am now a Dawson. But what if Jack had lived and he were here to share this
life with me? Would our love alone have sufficed through all the hardships we,
no doubt, would have suffered? Would the fact that I was once a part of
"society" have lingered in our relationship and there formed an
involuntary divide? And while I thank him every day for having freed me from my
chains, would I really have been content with sleeping under bridges and never
knowing whether I would go to sleep that night with my stomach rumbling or
full? Would I have been content with having to raise children in such
conditions? Am I truly as free a soul as Jack was? Yes, I am spontaneous. My
leaving New York for a place I had never been to and knew nothing of proves
that much, but am I the sort of person that makes all their choices in such a
way? These things trouble me deeply, for while every night I spend in Jack's
old bed, I ask God why He took my Jack from me, I have to ask myself the
countering question—would we have truly been happy if he had lived? I hate
myself for ever thinking such a thing, but still, it lingers in my mind always.
As the saying goes—all that glitters is not gold. Perhaps a life with Jack glitters
in my eye, but it would have been anything but. I have always heard that all
things work as God intended them to. Did He simply bring Jack into my life to
free me? Or was it more? I know someday that I will spend all of eternity in
Jack's arms. And perhaps eternity, and not life, was what Jack and I were meant
to share.
Oh, Molly! I feel as if I've been turned
upside down and right side up again and seen all that lays between...
But if only she'd known how much more chaos
she would be tossed in the midst of...
*****
"Take us, please, Rosie!" Cora
exclaimed, pulling on Rose's coat as she and William came back in the house
from a short stroll outside.
"It's freezing out there, girls! Why
would you want to go to the lake?" Rose said, rubbing her arms, trying to
warm them.
"Oh, please! Please! Will you,
William?" Lilly asked, grabbing his hand and gazing up at him.
William glanced at Rose and then smiled,
sending his green eyes dancing. "All right, girls. I'll take you."
Rose shook her head as the two girls dashed
up the stairs to bundle up.
"You're too kind to the girls,
William," Julia said, smiling.
"I don't have anything better to do.
Ralph said that I need to get out of the store some before I'll be stuck there
all day. He leaves in three days for Cedar Rapids."
"Ah! He's going to visit his brother, no
doubt," Henry said, as he came in the parlor, a cup of coffee in his
hands.
"Yeah. And he's leaving me in charge of
the store."
"Let's go! Let's go!" the girls
shouted in unison, Cora grabbing Rose's hand and Lilly taking William's. The
girls dragged the couple out the door, down the porch stairs, and down the road
until they finally reached the lake. Cora and Lilly went out onto the frozen
lake and began sliding about, laughing as they fell and helped each other up.
"Don't go so far out, girls!" Rose
called, not daring to step on the ice.
"Don't worry, Rose. They'll be fine. The
lake is frozen solid," William said, stomping on it with his foot, trying
to prove his point. But Rose still seemed skeptical and stayed away from the
edge of the ice. "Are you all right?" William asked, stepping back
from the ice and glancing at her. Her face was pale.
"Yeah. Just cold. I hope the girls tire
themselves out quickly."
"You can go back, if you like. I'll stay
here and watch them."
"No. Thank you for offering, though,
William." She smiled at him.
"Of course. Anything for a lady."
Rose blushed and laughed. But as she opened
her mouth to respond, a shrill scream of terror pierced the air.
Both William and Rose turned to the ice.
"Cora!" Rose screamed, no longer thinking. She ran onto the ice.
Lilly stood, frozen, pointing down at a hole in the ice. Rose dropped her
knees. She could see Cora's dark curls still barely touching the surface. She
thrust her hand into the water, groping frantically for the young girl's arm,
hand, wrist, anything that she could pull her back by. Finally, Rose's hand
touched Cora's limp fingers and she grabbed the young girl's hand, throwing
herself back onto the ice, pulling Cora out of the deadly water.
Rose instantly tore her own jacket off and
wrapped it around Cora. Cora coughed and sputtered. In the short time, though
it had seemed like hours to Rose, that she had had her arm submerged, searching
blindly for Cora, Lilly had run back and fetched her parents.
"Take her, William!" Rose demanded,
as William unbuttoned his coat. They put his coat on the young girl as well,
and William swept her into his arms. "Go! I'll be there in a minute,"
Rose ordered, trying to conceal the waves of agonizing pain that were sweeping
through her arm. William obeyed, rushed over the ice, and scrambled up the
frozen bank.
Rose struggled up, pulling her arm into the
sleeve of her dress. She was shivering violently. She could feel her fingers
going numb. She knew she needed to get home as quickly as she could.
But as she stepped forward, a sound like
glass breaking under the burden of too much weight tore over the ice and
suddenly, all she was aware of was pain...like a thousand knives.
A thousand knives.
Stabbing her.
All over her body.
She tried to kick for the surface, but her
limbs refused to function.
Can't breathe.
Can't think.
But she had to! She had find the surface! Her
lungs burned for air. The icy water felt as if it were eating away at her flesh.
She wanted to cry, but how can you cry under water?
Not here.
Not this day.
Not like this.
Kick, Rose! She reached upward and forced her legs to propel her
toward the surface, but she hit something. No! Her hand pounded on the ice. She
had to break through! She couldn't die like this! No! The light from the bright
day above shone clearly through the ice. Why would the sun not melt the ice?
Can't breathe...can't think...
Her vision blurred.
Her mind blurred.
Someone help!
A thousand knives...no, a million knives.
The ice would not give way.
She could feel her limbs give up. The water
had numbed them so that they could no longer function. Dots danced in front of
her eyes. And in an instant, she relived her entire life. She felt her father's
loving arms around her. She could feel Jack's warm breath on her neck. And she
could see William smiling at her.
And with that—with those images in her mind,
Rose closed her eyes, prepared to let the icy waters claim her once and for
all.
*****
Henry took Cora from William's arms, immediately
turned, and took off running toward the house as quickly as his wounded leg
would allow. William leaned over, resting his hands on his knees for a brief
moment, trying to catch his breath, but at the sound of a loud splash, he dashed
back to the lake and out onto the ice, all caution and common sense being lost
in his desperate haste to pull Rose from the deadly water. He could see her,
just below the ice. She suddenly stopped struggling. Stopped moving, and began
to fall away from the ice, deeper into the murky depths.
He panicked.
He had nothing to break the ice with. Without
thinking, he thrust his foot through the ice, just above where he could still
see her hovering. William fell on his stomach and drove his arm, up to his shoulder,
into the icy water. The cold was almost paralyzing as soon as he touched it,
but he had to push the pain from his mind. His fingers brushed hers, and he
seized them. He began to pull her up, but his fingers, stiff from the bitter
coldness of the water, could not hold on and she slipped away from him.
Blindly, he thrust his hand back in the water and grabbed her wrist.
Then, just as Rose had with Cora, he threw
himself backwards, pulling her from the ice.
And despite the stiffness and unwillingness of
his body to move, he lifted Rose's limp, lifeless body into his arms and ran as
fast as he possibly could back to the Dawsons’ house.