JASMINE
Chapter Ten
I had instructed Jack to stand out by the
hull of the ship. I had told him that Rose would attempt to take her life on
the hull. As per Jack’s instruction, I gave him a vivid account of everything
Rose was thinking when she made the decision to attempt to end her life. Jack
and I remained hidden behind some cargo boxes, and I will never forget that
night as long as I live, and neither will Jack, wherever he is, seeing as he
has died and gone up into the spiritual realm. It was a very cold and dark
night, and I remember clamping down hard on my jaws so that they would not make
noise by chattering. I started to shiver, and that’s when Jack picked up a stray
blanket, and gently and lovingly put it over my shoulders. That gesture meant
quite a lot to me, and I was quite touched by it. I knew that he was a very
sensitive man, and would make a good lover for Rose. The sky was clear, and was
a jet black color, and the air was quite crisp. I could feel the crispness
nipping away at my face, the tip of my nose, and my eyes. Sometimes, I feel as
though the cold air has little fingers that act like pincers which nip certain
parts of the body, because that’s how the wind felt to me on that night.
For a long time, we heard and saw nothing but
silence, and fatigue was beginning to get the best of me. I could sense and
feel myself beginning to nod off, only being awakened by the crisp and cold
air. Then, suddenly, we heard very quiet stirrings on the ground, which
reminded me of a gentle mouse scurrying along the ground.
"There she is!" I quietly whisper
to Jack.
Jack nodded to me quite instinctively, as if
to say, Good. Then we can be ready for her!
The stirrings turned into muffled shuffles,
sounding like slippers sliding across the ground. We craned our heads beyond
the boxes, and we saw Rose. She was wearing an off-white night gown. My guess
is that, by judging the way it appeared in the moonlight, it was made out of some
fine muslin. She was wearing a fine, lacy wrapper on top of that, and I could
ascertain that her slippers were made out of satin. They were shiny and white.
My God! Satin is a cloth material I will never wear! One look at her face, and
I could tell she was in pain and consternation. She had a very confused look on
her face, that upset her pretty face. Strangely enough, there were no wrinkles
on her face, given the immense stress she was presently under. Her face
appeared to be, quite literally, pretty as a picture. But, I could see the
uncertainty on her face, and I could hear her mind saying, My God. There’s
no going back from this one!
I gauged that she didn’t even know how to
commit suicide. By now, I knew that she was a lady of leisure and finery, and
she believed that acting ladylike and proper was the way to do everything. For
her, this was her debut in life, her way of getting back at the landed classes.
From her standpoint, it would be the negative publicity from the act, the my
God, the DeWitt Bukaters and Cal have just had a tragedy in the family. How
could such a scandalous thing as suicide have happened in such a fine family?
That would do in the two families that Rose was associated with, and not the
tragedy happening to Rose.
I sighed. Well, this is a segment of
society that values titles, honor, and image more than anything else. They
really evaluate you on who you appear to be, and not on who you really are.
Rose could not see us, but I began to concentrate very hard on what she was
thinking. I had to keep my promise to Jack.
I tell Jack, "This is what she is
thinking."
She looked down at the ground, and she looked
over the side of the ship that was at the side of the hull, and she shivered,
not because she felt cold--she could hardly feel the cold air--but because she
realized that It really is a long way down, she was thinking.
I’ve never seen this side of the ship,
like I’ve never seen this side of life before. It is very scary for me, because
I’ve known parties and finery all of my life, no matter how boring it may have
been. But this is really a new experience for me.
For the first time in my life, I feel
afraid, as though I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I really don’t want
to do this, but this is the only way I can get them to listen to me! I’ve
thought about my life over and over. If I don’t do this, I will end up married
to Cal, and I can’t do that. I mean, he’s evil and rotten to the core. There’s
no reasoning with him! I might as well marry the man of evil himself, which is
exactly what Cal is! All of my life, I’ve felt trapped and caged, and I’ve felt
as though there is no way out of my life!
It was at that point in time that I began to
choke. My God! I could sympathize with her! Somehow, my mind drew a blank, and
instead of Rose being at the hull of the ship, I saw myself at the hull. All of
a sudden, I was staring down at the dark and cold waters of the North Sea!
Jack sensed that I was shivering, and he
asked, "What happened?"
I said, "Nothing."
Jack turned around and gave me a look that
said, Yeah, right!
"All right," I mutter. "I had
a strange experience. Presently, we see Rose looking quite nervously over the
hull of the ship, but while I was telling you what she was thinking, I had an
experience, where, instead of seeing her at the hull of the ship, I was at the
hull of the ship, and I was thinking and feeling everything she was!"
Jack looked at me. and he said, "You’re
right. That would make my mind wander, too."
I said, "It was quite a scary experience
for me. It’s like my life is parallel to hers…but that can’t be because I am
not her. I mean, I come from a totally different history, a different family, a
different social class. I don’t even think like her!"
Jack interjected, "Perhaps your
spiritual life is parallel to hers."
Confused, I ask, "What do you mean by
that?"
Jack replied, "I don’t know. You’re the
wise one. You figure it out."
I thought to myself, Well, that’s some
help! I resume concentrating on what she is thinking.
I understand that there is no way out of
my life. I feel that, by living, I am actually dying! I mean, through death, I
may find utter and eternal salvation. At least, there will be no pressures for
me to face in death, and my soul will be free, wherever it shall lie. It’s the
ultimate decision, because once I’m dead, there’s no way I can come back to
life, but at least it will have been my conscious choice, like nothing else in
my life has been so far. So far, it feels as though someone else has been
living my life for me. I have no feelings and emotions, and I exist through
someone else’s eyes. It’s like I’m a nice image that someone dreamed up! Well,
I want more than just an image. I want real life! If I can’t get it in life,
perhaps I can get it in the afterlife!
It is at this point in time that I become
quite emotional again, because I can understand and identify with everything
that she is saying, thinking, and feeling! For some strange reason, Rose has
become me! And her soul and blood course through my body!
I begin to sob, and it is at this point that
Jack holds me tight and says, "There, there. Don’t cry, dear lassie. Everything
will be fine."
I turn to him and say, "No, it won’t.
It’s going to get much worse!"