JASMINE
Chapter Nine
It is morning, and I, Jasmine, wake up. I see
the sun shining in my eyes, and I am almost blinded by the glow and radiance of
it. "Ooh," I say.
Jack turns towards me. He asks, "What
happened?"
I say, "I dreamt about Rose."
Suddenly, Jack turns to me, and he looks at
me with wide, interested eyes. "You say you dreamt about Rose? Tell me,
what did you see?"
"Well, I know that she spends many hours
in deep thought." Jack gasped. "Yes," I continue, "she
keeps a diary, which she writes in. She profiles her life through this diary,
and her most favorite entry is one in which she is a mouse, who is caged, and
Cal is the cat, who is trying to catch her, and trap her. She has realized that
she is her own person, and that her mother is simply another person in her
life. Her mother might have raised her, but now she is going to be an adult,
either through liberation or through marriage. Her mother is totally oblivious
to her concerns, needs, and life. Her mother sees things in a way that is
totally different from the way that she sees things. I suppose this is normal,
because they say that each generation shall be different from the last. She has
realized that her mother views things in terms of societal perceptions, in
terms of how her standing in society is affected by others. Living for emotions
and for love, or for the love of family makes no sense for her. Marriage, for
her, is not based on love, or even compatibility, emotional caring, or any kind
of sustenance. It is based on money, prestige, and status. These are all very
surface things. Ruth could care less that Cal is abusive. For her, he has a
good name, and he is wealthy, and he is part of the elite, and based on those
factors alone, he will make a good mate for Rose."
Jack asked, "What do you think?"
I respond, "I don't think this would be
a successful marriage for Rose. If she marries Cal, she will become an adult,
independent of her mother, and she will be known as Cal's wife. But Rose is
rebellious. She'd break out of that marriage some way or another. If she breaks
off her engagement and finds true happiness, then she will become a liberated
soul, and in God's terms, she will be an adult, because she will have realized
who she really is, taken steps to liberate herself, and taken time to find her
true path in life, which, in God's realm, and in spirituality, everyone is
supposed to do."
Jack breathes. "Jasmine, my God! That's
very deep!"
I continue, "I believe in marriage and
the family, but sometimes, I think you have to wait a while, and try to focus
on God and spirituality, and listen to his true message before you make choices
in life. I think, if at all possible, have the input of your family, and have
support from them all throughout your life. But I don't think this is possible
in Rose's case. I think she'll have to sever all ties with her family, and make
a family on her own."
Suddenly, bang, bang, bang, bang! We both
turn our heads, and are greeted by a cross superintendent. "So," he
bellows at us. "Why are you not upstairs cleaning?"
We get dressed, and as I get dressed I think
to myself, My God. It's so easy to get lost in spirituality that I forget my
daily tasks!
I could tell you what we did that day, but
all we did was clean the upper deck. The real surprise came at night. At night,
I was playing rum with Jack, and we were betting with peanuts. Jack bet this
way, because he wanted to be gentleman-like to me, and he did not want to bet
with money, because I was a lady, and because I was poor. I began to get bored,
so I bent my head down on my fist, and I began to think hard. I remember it was
late at night, past seven o'clock at least. There was no light in the room, and
we were on the deck, so we could feel the chill wind blowing past us. Our
pupils were stretched wide, because we were relying on the blue darkness of the
outdoors to light our vision. Well, there was a lone candle burning, but that
did not really do much to dispel the all-enveloping darkness that surrounded
us.
Suddenly, "Ah!" I jumped up, and
almost fell backwards in my chair.
Jack gasped. "Jasmine, honey, what
happened?"
I say, "I had a vision. Please, let me
relay it to you." I pick my chair up, and I sit down in it. I put my
forehead down on my fist, and I begin to think very, very deeply. I recite what
I see to Jack, word for word. My voice becomes very mystic as I do so.
It is late at night, and I see Rose's room.
It is lighted by artificial lights, and by candles, huge candles. Cal has not
yet come down. I see Rose sighing, as if in resignation. She says sadly,
"He won't come down now. He never does. Rum and cigars matter more to him
than I do." I see her in front of her mirror, with her diary in hand. She
sounds like she's about ready to cry. Her voice wavers and is quite shaky. She
looks in the mirror, and she sees a very sad girl, with red, tear-stained eyes
looking back at her. "Is this all I am to the world, a pretty accessory,
and nothing more…I mean, I'm about to get married, and here I am, feeling quite
miserable, and trapped! No one could care about my feelings. To them, I'm
simply Cal's fiancée. I have everything in the world, but I still feel so
miserable! There has to be more to life than what I presently experience and
feel." She looks in the mirror again, and she gasps, because she sees a
prairie, and the sun shining in the mirror. The glow of the sun from the mirror
is so bright that she shields her eyes with her right hand. Then, she looks
down at her right palm, and she picks up a dinner knife. She runs the knife
across her palm, and says, "No one would care if all of the blood from my
veins flowed on the floor, and I collapsed like a crumpled doll in its wake. I
know. To shock them, I'll do something drastic. I'll die. Then everyone will
know the true torment and suffering I have felt. Perhaps, by my death, people
will better appreciate me, the sorrow in their hearts will make them long for
me more. By being dead, my memory will pull at their conscience, their hearts,
minds and souls, like a niggling pain, full of grief and guilt that just won't
go away, and in that process, they will know who I really am, they will be
reminded of the person that I really am!"
"I am definitely not finished," I
say to Jack. "But doing yourself in with a knife on the wrist is the
oldest attempt in the book. I think that her statements were…well…they were
made out of desperation. They remind me of a lot of poetry, and stuff like
that, but, now that I think about it, all of that really did come from the
soul!" I look at Jack. "Look, I mean, technically, we don't owe her
anything. I mean, from a purely rational point of view, if she suffered, it
wouldn't have any effect on us, because we have not caused her suffering. If
anything, because of the social class that she belongs to, and due to the way
that they treat us, perhaps, you could say, that indirectly, she has caused our
misery. I mean, an act of God, or a miracle, notwithstanding, there is no way
our lives are going to change. We'll die cleaners, and dock men and women.
People from her class, however, have real choices in how they live their lives.
If they don't like a certain occupation, they can just move on to something
else. We don't have that luxury. We'll always have to serve them. But something
tells me that a higher power is going to be very mad with the both of us if we
do nothing to help her, and besides, I think she should get a real shot of
happiness." I smile at him. "How about you?"
Jack looks at me. "Yes, I think we
should help her. I am quite disturbed that she wishes to take her life. I think
it's tragic."
I respond, "You know, rationally, and
technically, there is no real reason why Rose should be unhappy. She sits in
the lap of luxury, and has never known hard work or struggle in her entire
life. Most people would be set for a year, in terms of money, by just
auctioning off her old clothes. That's how well off she is. But, in Hinduism,
and in ancient spirituality, the sages have since time immemorial taught that
true happiness is never defined by material wealth, by your perceived social
standing in society, or by who you marry. True happiness is defined by your
ability to accept yourself and by your ability to be happy with yourself. I
guess the only way you can find true happiness is by seeking your inner self,
and by listening to who your soul is, and what it wants from life. Material
things will only give momentary joy, but the joy fades, and then you're back to
the way you were, in terms of happiness. It is only by accepting who you are,
and by learning to live in harmony with your environment, which is ultimately
God's realm, that you can find true happiness. For centuries, spiritual leaders
have said that the path to true happiness lies via finding your inner self, by
the inner path in life, which is the true path, because that path leads to God
and to God's realm. I think Rose may benefit from this."
Jack looks at me with wide eyes.
"Jasmine, you have the wisdom of sages. I think you come from God. You
must. I talk to a lot of people, and I have yet to meet anyone who thinks quite
like you!"
I continue, "Let me finish with my
spiritual introspections."
Rose says, "Why is life so cruel to me?
It appears that no one ever listens to me. Here I am, virtually nonexistent to
everyone. It's not fair! Sometimes, I really feel like screaming! They don't
care if I live, and they couldn't care less if I died. All I am to them is an
accessory in life! What about my feelings, and my pain? Why does everything
have to be seen in terms of money? Why is there little room for personal
happiness?" Suddenly, she tears over to her chest, where there's that Hope
necklace. My God! It looks nice, but for all of the misery it has caused
everyone who has ever held it, is it worth keeping? She picks it up. "This
necklace looks nice. It is intriguing, but I could really care less for it.
Sure, when I wear it, I look like a princess, but what else does it do for me?
It has not made me a happier person, and it is a real dead weight, in many
ways. Why do I need it? Why do I need anything in life? Why do I need my life?
Why do I need to live my life? All my life, I've always lived life based on the
way that others thought I should. I've lived a real lie in life, and I've not
been my true self. Now, I am at the brink of making a total life choice that
will change my life forever. Once I am married, there can be no going back!
But, I don't even want to get married! I want to have fun. I've never had fun
in my entire life. I've lived in misery." Now, I see her looking in her
mirror in defiance, as she tosses her head. "Well, that's for someone
else. I'm going to exit from life."
Jack gasps. "No, Jasmine. No!" he
cries out. He grabs my wrist, and I pull back in pain and shock.
"Dammit, Jack!" I exclaim.
"That hurts!"
"No, honey," Jack says. "This
can't happen. I mean, Rose, she is my Rose…I can't bear to see her in
pain!" He looks at me with pain in his eyes, and I can feel that his heart
is breaking. This is funny, because until recently, I felt that that was a
figure of speech. I never really knew that anyone's heart could really break.
"Well, Jack, she's just contemplating.
She hasn't done a damned thing yet."
Jack interrupts me. "But she was
thinking, and I think she'll actually do it!"
"You're probably right," I say,
"but if you'd listened to my reflection, you'd have seen that she didn't
really want to die. All she wants to do is escape, and since she can't think of
a real way of exit, for her, dying is that way."
"But, Jasmine, it's wrong!" Jack
says.
I smile at him. "Now you know how all
organized religions feel about doing yourself in. Well, I think in this case,
the issue goes beyond a moral stance. I mean, from a moral standpoint, hocking
yourself may be wrong, but if you feel bad, all of those bad feelings are just
going to simmer and collect in you, and they'll eat away at your soul, and
eventually, at your physical body, until nothing's left, and you collapse, both
physically and spiritually. Then, you're really dead. I think that we'd be
better off if we helped her. I think that that's all she wants and needs."
Jack says, "But how?"
I respond, "Well, I think she'll try to
do herself in by trying to jump off of a hull. That's what I saw in my
reflections. I think she'll try it, either tomorrow night, or the night after
that. We should be ready for her when she attempts this."