A LIFE’S TRAGEDY
Chapter Nine

I looked back at Rose. She still held her hand over her cheek. I hadn’t realized how hard I had hit her, but she was my fiancée. Some poor excuse for a man named Jack Dawson would not get in the way of that.

I left her without saying a word, going back to my room to dress. I still wore the suit I had gone to third class in, the same one that Catherine had removed from my body. I suddenly felt sick at the thought of it. How could this be happening to me?

Rose slumming around with a third class passenger was bad enough, but I wasn’t any better. I had done the same thing. My only advantage? No one knew about my escapades. They did hers.

I dressed quickly. Over my suit, I wore a coat, as the steward had advised. I glanced in the full-length mirror. "A true gentleman," I said, smiling as I looked at my reflection.

I exited the room. Rose stood with Ruth. Ruth was dressed in a fine dress with a coat over it. Rose, on the other hand, still wore the same white dress.

Absurd, I thought to myself. The least she could do was dress properly. Ruth took my arm. Rose walked behind us, as if in a dream. I didn’t know what had gotten into her, or the rest of the damned ship. Everyone scurried around as if in a panic.

We arrived in the A Deck foyer. Molly Brown stood a few feet away from us, saying something to a steward, who stumbled up the Grand Staircase.

Through the conversations I overheard, I knew we had struck an iceberg, but I still didn’t know what all the raucous behavior was about. This ship was unsinkable, so why panic?

"It’s the damned English doing everything by the book," I announced as a steward ran past me.

"There’s no need for language, Mr. Hockley," was Ruth’s reply. "Go back and turn on the heat in our rooms, Trudy. I should like some tea when I return."

I watched as the maid disappeared behind us. Then I spotted Mr. Thomas Andrews walking towards us in a daze. I squinted my eyes to make sure I was seeing him right. I was. His expression was pure sadness and guilt.

Rose walked over to him as he continued to survey the room. I followed close behind her, leaving Ruth standing beside the carved wall.

"I saw the iceberg, Mr. Andrews, and I see it in your eyes." She spoke softly to the master shipbuilder. "Please tell me the truth."

I leaned in close to them to perfectly hear his response. He made eye contact with me for a moment, then turned back to Rose.

"The ship will sink," came his words, which I never thought I would hear. This is impossible, I said to myself.

Rose clasped a hand to her mouth in surprise. "For certain?"

"Yes," he said, looking from her back to me. "In an hour or so, all of this will be at the bottom of the Atlantic." He motioned to the fine first class foyer.

"My God," I said, rather rudely. I was completely caught off guard. This ship couldn’t sink. It was impossible. I looked at Mr. Andrews once more, and I knew he spoke the truth.

His soul was in that ship--every rivet, every deck, everything. It was a part of him, and I could tell he felt the mortal wounds of his great creation.

"Please, tell only who you must. I don't want to be responsible for a panic. And get to a boat quickly. Don't wait. You remember what I told you about the boats?" he spoke softly but seriously to Rose.

"I understand," she said.

So did I, though I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I was still thoroughly shocked. Mr. Andrews looked at me one more time before heading up the Grand Staircase, warning people to put on their lifebelts as he went.

We walked with Molly Brown out to the deck. I looked astern, then to the bow. I saw the fear in the officers’ eyes. I knew everything was true. But I also knew I would get off this ship. So would Rose and Ruth. Everything would work out. I knew it.

I felt someone place something in my pocket. A paper. I turned to see Catherine walking away with Melissa and going back inside. I knew they were making a mistake. A big one, but I couldn’t risk being seen, so I let her go.

I unfolded the paper. Another note was scribbled in pencil.

Cal,

I watched you from afar. I'm third class, you see. I don't reach your level. I guess this is how it's supposed to be. You say you love her. You want her so, but she loves him--Jack, you know. So, who cares about them? I love you, Mr. Hockley. Don't you know? When I first saw you pass, I wanted you so, but it was like you were guarded by the others. I may not be a rich girl. I may never leave this ship, but you've got me in a whirl. You make my heart skip. When we made love, I felt complete. I felt whole. It was sent from above. You saved my soul. This ship is quickly sinking. I saw you above. I’ve just been thinking, I may never again see the sun. But I write this to you o say my love is true. Cal Hockley, I love you, until we meet again.

All my love,

Catherine

I wanted her to know how I felt, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her.

"What’s that, Mr. Hockley?" Ruth asked, motioning to the paper.

"Nothing." I smiled, shoving the paper into my pocket.

She nodded, then turned back to Officer Lightoller.

"Oh, I forgot my brooch. I must go back for it," Ruth said, attempting to pass me, wanting to go back to our staterooms.

I held my hand on her shoulder, looking into her eyes and letting her see the fear in me. I knew if she went back, we might very well never see her again.

I tightened my grip on her shoulder. "No, Ruth. Stay here," I demanded. She was clearly surprised by the firmness of my grasp. She slowly nodded and turned away from me, back to the lifeboats.

Down the deck a piece, Officer Murdoch was busy lowering the first lifeboat. I turned back to Rose. Confusion and terror were in her eyes.

"Women and children only, please!" Officer Lightoller announced, helping a woman into the boat. Molly Brown also helped.

"Right this way, sister," she was saying to a reluctant woman.

"Any room for a gentleman, gentlemen?" I asked, laughing nervously.

Of course, I knew what his answer would be. "Only women and children at this time, sir," Lightoller replied.

I nodded and stepped back.

"Will the lifeboats be seated according to class? I hope they’re not too crowded," Ruth said, not looking at Rose and I--not really staring at anything but the darkness over the water.

"Oh, Mother, shut up!" Rose exclaimed.

Ruth and I turned to Rose, staring at her for her rude outburst.

"Don’t you understand? The water is freezing, and there are not enough boats. Not enough by half. Half of the people on this ship are going to die," she lectured.

I continued to stare at her. Finally, she turned to me.

"Not the better half." I smiled. I immediately felt a bit sorry for my words. I knew I, myself, would lose friends on this ship simply because we were men.

Ruth had already boarded the lifeboat with the help of Mrs. Brown.

"Come on, Rose. You’re next, darlin’." Mrs. Brown held out a hand to Rose.

I smiled, knowing Rose would get off safely and everything would go ahead as planned. There was nothing Dawson could do about it now. He was locked belowdecks with my man, of course.

"You know, it’s a pity I didn’t keep that drawing. It’ll be worth a lot more by morning." I smiled.

"You unimaginable bastard," she spoke softly, staring into my eyes.

Her words didn’t damage me in the least. I only smiled.

She stood staring for a long moment.

"Go on. It’s almost full," I said, waiting for her to get into the boat.

"Rose," Ruth said, "get into the boat."

"Yes. Go on, Rose," I said, looking at her.

"Good-bye, Mother," she said calmly, then walked away from us quickly.

I took off after her, catching up quickly. I grabbed her shoulder and spun her to face me. "Where are you going?" I demanded.

She squirmed in my grasp. "Let go," she said sternly.

"Where are you going? To him? Is that it? To be a whore to that gutter rat?" I asked cruelly.

She stared up into my eyes. "I’d rather be his whore than your wife."

Her words hit me hard, but I managed to keep my composure, still not releasing her. I viciously dragged her towards a lifeboat. I felt a jab in my arm and quickly realized she had stabbed me with a hairpin.

I cursed as I involuntarily released her. She raced through the crowds and disappeared out of my sight. I raced after her. Finally, I spotted her again. She pointed me out to two men, then took off running again. When I approached them, they restrained me. "Let go, gentlemen! That is my fiancée!" I shouted, straining to release myself from their grasps.

I followed her into the first class dining area, but was caught up in a large crowd. I pushed through them rudely. I ran down to the A Deck foyer. I scanned the empty area. Rose was gone. She was nowhere to be seen.

I ran back up the Grand Staircase, spotting Mr. Lovejoy racing towards me.

"There you are, sir," he said. I walked up to stand before him on the landing. "Where is Miss Rose?"

"She ran off. Look, find her, all right?" I asked. Anger and hatred filled my voice, though I attempted to remain a gentleman. He continued down the staircase, disappearing into the crowd of ladies and gentlemen.

I went back to the deck, pushing through everyone, not caring about their curses. I heard Mr. Andrews lecturing Officer Lightoller about the boats being launched half-full. I glanced out at the little boats. It was true that most were almost empty.

I knew I had to act fast if I was to live. I raced over to the port side railing, looking towards the bow. Water was already spilling over the railing. I saw the captain in the distance, looking on in despair. I felt sorry for the old man, his career ending like this.

"She’s not on the starboard side, either," Mr. Lovejoy spoke from behind me. I turned to him.

"We’re running out of time," I said, trying to remain calm. I pointed to Lightoller. "And this strutting martinet isn’t letting any men on at all," I said with disgust in my voice.

"There’s one on the other side letting men on," came his reply.

I looked at him, thinking for a moment before answering. "Well, then, that’s our play, but we’ll need some insurance first."

I led the way back to my stateroom, going directly to my safe and opening it quickly. I pulled out several stacks of bills, stuffing my pockets.

"I make my own luck." I smiled, looking at him.

He opened his jacket, revealing a pistol with a pearl handle tucked conveniently into his waistband. "So do I," he said grimly.

I laughed a bit as I continued to load my pockets.

I pulled out the black case containing the Heart of the Ocean. I removed the necklace and threw the case on the floor. I stuffed it in my pocket with the money.

When I was sure I had all that I would need, I closed and locked the safe. We walked in a hurry to the first class dining room. I quickly spotted Benjamin Guggenheim and his valet, dressed in dinner suits and top hats.

"Ben, what’s the occasion?" I asked as we approached them.

"We are dressed in our best and are prepared to go down as gentlemen," he replied, seating himself in an elegant chair. The valet stood behind him.

"That’s noble, sir." I turned and began walking away. I glanced back at him. "I’ll be sure to tell your wife when I get to New York." I laughed a bit.

I heard him order a brandy. What a fool, I thought to myself. I raced back to the starboard side of the boat deck, Lovejoy right behind me. Our walk was that of power and determination. I wasn’t letting anything keep me on this ship. I knew Lovejoy felt the same way.

When I reached the deck, a crewman was throwing the deck chairs over the side of the ship. Panic was setting in quickly now. I could feel the pull, the deck slowly becoming a sloping hill of death. All classes mixed together carelessly now. No one cared about class or money now…except I.

I glanced around, searching briefly for Catherine. I had treated her like a common whore, paying her that way, but at the time, I didn’t realize how much she meant to me. I only cared about myself.

When we reached First Officer Murdoch, he was lowering his last boat.

"We’re too late!" I exclaimed.

"There’s more boats all the way forward," Lovejoy said. "But stay with this one…Murdoch…he seems to be quite practical."

Just then, gunshots were heard. We both turned in their direction.

"Hurry. It’s falling apart. We don‘t have much time," I said.

He nodded. He walked down the deck, shoving his way through the crowds.

I saw Officer Murdoch start for the bow section of the ship. I hurried up and began walking beside him.

"Mr. Murdoch," I said, struggling to keep up with him.

"You men! Down here now!" he shouted to several men. Finally, he looked at me. "Mr. Hockley."

"I’m a businessman, as you know. And I have a business proposition for you," I said, wanting to pay for a seat on one of the lifeboats.

We walked a bit farther. Finally, he stopped walking and turned to me, staring into my eyes. I shoved a bundle of bills into the pocket of his uniform. He glanced down at the money, then stared back up at me.

"We have an understanding, then?" I asked.

He slowly nodded. "As you’ve said."

"Good." I smiled.

I stepped back, satisfied. Mr. Ismay waited for the boat, as well, though he pretended to be merely helping to load it.

"Anymore women and children?" Murdoch called out.

"There’s no one else, sir," Ismay replied.

"Right. Anyone else, then?" Murdoch called out, turning to me, allowing me my seat on this lifeboat.

I started to go forward. Mr. Lovejoy came up behind me. I turned to him.

"I’ve found her. She’s on the port side. With him," he said grimly.

I gasped a little in frustration. I turned back to Murdoch. He stared at me, waiting for me to come forward.

"Damn it all to hell," I said in anger. I turned away from the lifeboat. "Come on!" I shouted to Lovejoy.

We went to the other side, taking a shortcut over the bridge. Lovejoy pointed to where Rose stood before the lifeboat. Lightoller was in control of it. Jack’s arms wrapped around her, only angering me further.

A man was saying good-bye to his wife and children. A sad sight, most definitely, but I was happy to have found Rose again.

I pushed Jack away from her, stripping her of the awful-looking blanket and placing my jacket over her shoulders.

"Look at you," I said, disgusted at her appearance, but not caring about the cold, really. Her clothes were drenched. Her hair was in tangles. It was simply dreadful.

"Quickly, ladies. Step into the boat!" Lightoller announced.

"Go, Rose," Jack said, placing his hands on her shoulders.

"Not without you," she said softly.

I rolled my eyes at this awful display of affection to a third class person. Then my mind shot back to Catherine for a brief moment. God, where was she and Melissa?

I looked back to Rose. "Listen. I have an arrangement with an officer on the other side of the ship. Jack and I can get off safely. Both of us." I glared over at Jack, wondering if he knew of my lie. I wouldn’t take him if I had to. It was simply to get Rose safely into the boat.

"See?" Jack asked, looking at me. "Got my own boat to catch."

Rose hugged him again, tears in her eyes. "Not without you!" she said to Jack. I clenched my jaw at the sound of those words.

"Get in the boat. It’s almost full," I struggled out my words.

Just then, Lightoller grabbed her arm and forced her to sit in the boat.

"Lower away!" He motioned with his hands. The boat jerked, and started downward.

Jack and I stared over the railing. Rose’s head turned in every direction, confusion once again filling her eyes.

"You’re a good liar," I said softly, so no passerby could hear.

"Almost as good as you," he said sarcastically. Then he turned his head to me. His blue eyes were a bit misty from the coming tears. "There is no arrangement, is there?"

"Oh, there is, not that you’ll benefit much from it." I stared back at him. "I always win, Jack." I actually struggled over the words. "One way or another." I forced a smile.

I knew I wouldn’t be happy with Rose, but what was happiness without my fortune, which I could never have with Catherine. Yes, I loved them both, for different reasons.

I turned away from Jack as he stared down at Rose, his hands clutching each other as if he was extremely nervous. Which I suppose he was.

My hands gently relaxed on the railing. I had nothing to worry about. Murdoch would come through for me. I knew that.

Rose looked around, as if in a daze. Then she stared back up, but not at me. At him. Then she did the most unimaginable thing. She jumped from the lifeboat, lunging herself onto the A Deck promenade.

"Rose!" Jack screamed. He leaned far over the railing.

"Stop her!" I ordered. I spun around. Jack was already running. I ran after him, getting caught up in a throng of people.

Finally, I made it to the A Deck foyer. I leaned over the railing to see them together, hugging and kissing. Hatred overtook me, but also a feeling of defeat. I leaned on the railing. They couldn’t see me.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, out of restraint, one would think. It was Mr. Lovejoy. He pulled me from the railing, walking a pace in front of me.

Hatred overtook me. I lashed my hand out, reaching into his jacket and pulling out the gun I had seen earlier. With the gun in my hand, I turned from him, running full speed along the railing.

I screamed out in anger, and I headed down the stairs. I fired a bullet. Jack pulled Rose and himself out of harm’s way. I hit a decorative banister piece instead, breaking it in two pieces, which fell to the floor.

I fired again, missing, as I tripped on the cherub banister piece. I fell to the floor. The silver pistol flew from my hands. I drunkenly stood, quickly picking up the gun and continuing with the chase.

They continued down the staircase. I could see that the bottom was completely flooded. They ran into the water. I fired at them again. Spouts of water shot up around them. In my frustration, I was not the greatest shot.

I ran into the water full force, struggling to move my legs in the ice cold ocean water. I fired one last shot, hitting the glass door and not either of them.

"Damn!" I said in anger. "I hope you enjoy your time together!" I shouted. I didn’t truly think either of them would survive.

The ship made a sickening groan. I was petrified suddenly. Mr. Lovejoy slowly descended the stairs. We started to walk back up to the deck to get on a boat.

I started laughing uncontrollably. I looked up at him, and he at I.

"What could possibly be funny?" he asked in a grave tone.

"I put the diamond in the coat. And I put the coat on her!" I shouted. Then I got to thinking. I didn’t want her to have it at all, even if she would perish in this tragedy. "I’ll give it to you," I said dryly. "If you can get it."

I could tell he was thinking about it. I smiled and left him, walking back up the staircase. When I reached the boat deck again, the band played a waltz. People were running, screaming, and jumping off the ship.

I looked to my left. I saw Melissa, huddled in a corner, crying. She was clearly in shock. Catherine was nowhere to be seen.

Against my better judgment, I left her there. I ran up to Murdoch’s boat. He was currently loading.

I waved my hands at him, trying to get his attention. He pulled out his gun, firing two shots into the air. I stopped in my tracks.

"I’ll shoot anyone who tries to get past me! Get back!" he ordered.

I cautiously stepped forward. "We had a deal, damn you!" I said.

He looked at me, then whipped my money from his pocket. He threw it into my chest. "Your money isn’t going to save you anymore than it can save me," he said angrily. "Now, get back!" He pointed the gun at my chest.

I did as he said, thoroughly angry and feeling betrayed. A third class man was shoved out of the crowd. Reflexively, Murdoch shot the man down. An Italian man, also third class, knelt beside him, obviously friends. I looked from the dead man back to Officer Murdoch.

He saluted his men, then lifted the pistol to his temple.

"No, Will!" one of the other officers called out. It was too late. Murdoch shot himself before us all. He fell over the railing.

I raced through the crowds again, knowing that now I had no arrangement. I knew I couldn’t die, and I wouldn’t. There had to be a way. Then I remembered her. Melissa. I raced back to where she was hiding.

"Melissa? Melissa, it’s me, Mr. Hockley," I said, trying to bring her from her shock. She couldn’t bring herself to speak. I grabbed her up in my arms, not caring about her dirty clothes or her class now. All I wanted was to get off that damned ship.

I raced to Purser McElroy, pushing through the crowds. "Here’s a child! I have a child." I looked at the purser. "Please. I’m all she has in the world." I put on a pleading expression.

He looked at my suit, then her dingy clothes. He squinted at me. Surely he knew I was lying. My heart raced. Finally, he nodded his head to the boat.

"All right. Go on," he said.

I stepped into the boat, holding Melissa in my lap. She searched the crowds, most likely for her mother.

Now that I was safe, I began to look around, as well, though I knew she was gone. Gone forever, like Rose.

Melissa starting bawling again. "Shh. There, there," I said, rocking her a bit, avoiding eye contact with the women in the boat.

The band’s violinist began playing the beginning notes of Nearer My God to Thee. Melissa sat at my side now. I had almost forgotten her. My attention rested on the ropes to Collapsible A, which was the boat I was in. Lightoller struggled with the lines. The ship was sinking fast now.

"Cut them! Cut them if you have to!" Lightoller shouted.

Panic swept over me and the women in the lifeboat. Our boat was already in the water, and as the ship sank, the suction was pulling on our boat.

The ship plunged suddenly. Several hundred people were washed into the water. The people struggled to get into our boat. I picked up an oar and began pushing them back.

"Get back! You’ll swamp us!" I did this not only for myself, but for everyone in the boat. We were full up, and any added weight would surely sink us.

We crashed into the forward funnel, which had fallen only moments earlier. I turned to the crew. "Row! Row, you bastards!" I ordered.

They did as I commanded. We began to row away from the ship. I sank back into my seat, staring at the horror behind us. The propellers were a good twenty feet in the air, rising dramatically fast.

"My God," I whispered as the thought of it overwhelmed me. My friends and my loves were on that ship, while I was here, safe and rowing away from the nightmare.

I stared on in horror as people slid down the A Deck promenade, falling to their deaths. I couldn’t take my eyes from the devastating scene, even though I tried hard to.

The propellers were now one hundred fifty feet above the ocean, men, women, and children falling over the railing and clinging to the deck. The lights flickered. Everyone in my boat was silent, the crew working hard to pull away from the dying ship’s suction.

A loud gasp came from each of us as the sound of breaking metal was heard. The sound was deafening. Only minutes later did we realize what was happening. The boat split between the second and third funnels. The stern crashed back into the water, almost level.

I thought it was over, a stupid thought, really, now that I think back on it. The bow was gone beneath the water, never to be seen again. It pulled the stern with it.

The stern quickly rose into the sky again. Only seconds later, it was standing at a vertical angle, bobbing there in the Atlantic. The screams were unnerving.

We continued to row. "Faster, boys! Faster!" the crewman yelled.

I knew the ship was sinking faster than ever now. She flooded quickly. The bobbing stern sank straight down.

Water burst through ventilators and shafts, causing ocean water to shoot up towards the stars. Only a matter of minutes later, the Titanic was gone from us forever, lost beneath the sea.

Instinctively, I wrapped a comforting arm around Melissa. The suction of the great ocean liner pulled us back a bit, but not nearly as badly as it would have had we been closer.

We kept rowing farther away. "Shouldn’t we go back to help?" a woman asked.

I turned to her. Part of me was saying, Yes, please. We have to help. Then the old, filthy rich Caledon Hockley part of me was saying, Are you mad? They’ll kill us all.

Again I was torn between worlds. I could never leave my riches. I knew that, but this voyage had left me with a feeling of respect towards lower class people.

I looked at Melissa. I forced a smile. What would happen to her now? I asked myself. I decided I would keep her, take her as my own. Not only would it look good for me, I would be keeping a part of Catherine with me. Of course, I would anyway.

I reached into my pocket, pulling out the damp piece of paper. I gently unfolded it, careful not to rip it. The words were faded quite a bit now, but I alone knew exactly what they said.

I reread the note to myself, thinking back to that afternoon down in third class. I had forgotten my money, forgotten my arranged marriage, forgotten everything superficial, and let love in. Not the artificial kind, as it was with Rose, but the true love. Catherine. She cared, not for my money, but for me.

I may never again see the light of day. I mouthed the words as I read them. Had she known? What had happened? I looked at Melissa again. She had fallen asleep, leaning against me and clearly exhausted. Tears stained her face.

I looked back at the water polluted with bodies, some kicking and screaming for help, others floating lifeless on the surface.

"I love you, Catherine," I spoke aloud, not realizing I had even said a word.

I felt a reassuring hand on my shoulder. I looked over to see a woman who was dressed poorly, as most of the women and children on this boat were.

"I know you," she said softly. I could tell she was so very cold, as we all were. I stared at her hard. "You’re Mr. Hockley," she finished.

I nodded, not knowing what to say or do.

"I knew Catherine. We shared a cabin." She smiled wearily. Then she looked at Melissa.

I knew that if she knew Catherine, she had to know that Melissa wasn’t in any way connected to me. Of course, surely everyone knew that from our clothes.

"Catherine spoke very highly of you and your friends," she spoke again.

I wished I could reply with the same comment, but I had never spoken highly of Catherine or her friends. In fact, I had never spoken of them to anyone.

I sat silently, not knowing what to say to her. I looked back at Melissa, then back at the woman. "Could you take care of her for me?" I motioned to the slumbering child.

The woman smiled warmly, then nodded. The faded scarf draped around her head made her look like a saint in the dim starlight.

I think I must have been lost in a dreamlike state, because the next thing I knew was the Carpathia. I knew one of the lifeboats had gone back. I wondered how many were saved from the water.

I left Melissa with the woman, not even saying good-bye. I was ushered into the first class dining area of the Carpathia.

"Mr. Hockley!" I heard a frantic voice. It was Ruth.

"Ruth," I said sadly.

"Where is Rose? Isn’t she with you? My God, where is she?" Ruth’s words ran together.

"I’m sorry. She didn’t come with me." I rubbed her shoulders, trying my best to comfort her.

"What? Why didn’t you bring her with you?" Tears streamed down her face.

"Sorry, Ruth, but she was with him and wouldn’t leave his side," I said, cringing a bit when I thought about Jack Dawson. He had ruined everything.

Ruth broke down, crying hysterically. Molly wrapped a loving arm around her. "There, there, darlin’. It’ll be all right." She turned to me. "Cal, why don’t you go look for Rose? She may have found her way to a lifeboat."

I nodded. I passed Madeline Astor, her hand on her stomach as she sat in a gilded chair. She stared forward, not at anything in particular. In mourning for J.J., I knew instantly. Her baby would be born without knowing its father, what a great man he was.

I also passed Madame Aubert. She hid her grief for Mr. Guggenheim well. But I could see the overwhelming sadness in her eyes.

Then I saw him. Bruce Ismay. I glared at him as I stalked across the room to stand before him.

"Mr. Ismay," I greeted him.

He wearily turned his head to me. I could see the sadness and confusion in his face, but it didn’t excuse the fact that he, himself, had ordered the captain to use more speed.

"Mr. Hockley," he addressed me without any rhythm in his voice, just the deep monotone of a damned soul.

I wanted to curse him, wanted to yell at him for his actions, but I restrained myself. I left him sitting there in his own state of depression.

I searched the faces for Mr. Lovejoy. Deep in my mind, I knew I would never see my valet and friend again.

So many souls lost. It was enough to change any man. And so it had changed me, as well.

I walked through the gates, going to the deck to steerage. A steward from the Carpathia approached me when he noticed my tuxedo.

"You’ll not find any of your people down here, sir. It’s all steerage," he said.

I waved him away. I walked down the few steps, surveying all the stricken faces. I walked over to the starboard railing, looking down at the water of the North Atlantic. It sprayed out beneath the Carpathia’s keel.

Never again would I look at these waters the same way--the ocean graveyard, which was how it would remain in my mind for the rest of my life.

I looked around at all the widowed women, searching for my Rose. I spotted a suspicious-looking woman wrapped in a dingy-looking blanket. I approached her.

"Mr. Hockley!" A child’s voice came from behind me. I turned in the opposite direction of the woman.

Melissa stood staring up at me, a huge smile on her face, as though nothing had happened the night before.

I instinctively got down on my knee, taking her into a caring embrace. Again, this gesture was completely not like me, but part of the new Caledon Hockley.

"I’m sorry about your mother, but you have got to be strong," I said reassuringly. She looked at me in confusion. Then a shadow fell over us. I looked up to see the most beautiful, wonderful thing in my life.

The same golden blonde hair, the captivating blue eyes. My Catherine, alive and well, before me now.

"You didn’t think I’d leave you alone that easily, did you?" She laughed.

I stepped up to her. "I’m so sorry," I started. I had to tell her. I wanted to hug her, kiss her, things which I would have never done in the past. I was so amazingly overjoyed that she was alive.

I opened my mouth to speak again, but was interrupted.

"Cal, come on back up. I don’t think she’s down there."

I looked past Catherine to see Molly Brown, Madeline Astor, Colonel Gracie, and Ruth DeWitt Bukater standing on the stairway leading to first class. My people. My world. They were calling me back.

I stared into Catherine’s eyes again, not knowing what to do. My pride so overwhelming. I had to get back to my people. This wasn’t my world.

"Go, Cal," she spoke softly, sadness in her eyes and voice.

I stared at her a moment longer. Then I looked at Melissa, who so clearly didn’t know what was going on.

"Mr. Hockley!" Ruth shouted down to me.

"Come on, Cal. Join me in a brandy," Gracie called down.

I sighed, nodding my head. I motioned for them to give me a moment.

"I love you, Cal," she spoke softly.

I nodded to her. I couldn’t bring myself to say it back. I patted Melissa on the head and walked away from them both, rejoining my group in the first class dining area.

We were served tea in china cups, not nearly as nice as the Titanic had had, but I don’t think anyone could bring themselves to think about that doomed ocean liner now.

"Who were you speaking to, Mr. Hockley?" Ruth asked, sipping her tea.

"Someone who knew that Mr. Dawson," I lied.

She nodded sadly, remembering her lost daughter.

I sat back in my chair, thinking over everything, my mind once again swamped by everything, and still I felt utterly lost.

Chapter Ten
Stories